Stephen Colbert and Squib Kicks

Stephen Colbert, one of my personal favorites and the greatest American satirist since Mark Twain, just got put into the Smithsonian's National Treasure sections. His show is currently the only funny television show on the air. I'm not sure you can debate not putting him in the National Treasure exhibit.

I'm not particularly political, although at this time of year it's hard to ignore the presidential election. This blog officially endorses any candidate not running with Sarah Palin. How insulting to intelligent people everywhere would it be if that uneducated retard who barely graduated high school and community college somehow becomes an influential figure outside of Alaska? You want to run your hick state into the ground? Cool, I don't live there. Which reminds me, why did we fight to keep the red states in the Civil War? I defy any reader to name five good things that came out of the South.

There is only one person I respect less than Sarah Palin on an intellectual level. That man is Brad Childress, who repeatedly attempted squib and pop up kicks in the Bears game to set them up at the 40-45 yard line every possession. I understand fearing Devin Hester, for he is a fearsome man, but to give up 15-20 yards on every kick to eliminate the 5% chance (4 TDs in 79 returns) that Hester breaks one shows a complete lack of basic intelligence. The squib kick is the dumbest play in football unless the play is the last one in the game. Any team down with 15 seconds to go will gladly trade the slim chance of returning a kick for 15 free yards, especially when they aren't really sacrificing any clock to get those yards.

Rays look like they are 4 games away from a World Series title. Brett Myers and Jamie Moyer will get shelled, Shields will outpitch Hamels, and the Phillies home run style (similar to that of the White Sox) does not translate well to the dome. Plus the NL is so much worse than the AL that I doubt any NL playoff team would have won more than one game in a playoff series in the AL.

The Rays are a World Series favorite, Kyle Orton is a good quarterback, Herm Edwards still hasn't been banned from the NFL, and Lou Holtz still has a job after comparing Rich Rodriguez to Hitler. Weird year for sports. But seriously, Lou Holtz is a pathetic old man who needs to be as far away from any sort of camera as possible.

The Bears will take the division. They beat the Vikes without a secondary, the offense looks entirely acceptable, and the defense forces turnovers and stops teams for scoring touchdowns. Also the team isn't entirely dysfunctional, a large advantage in a league where most teams are comically dysfunctional. For example, one team has multiple convicted criminals and just sold their future to upgrade at receiver (they have one of the most potent passing games in the league) in order to please an egomaniacal psychopath who is rarely seen wearing a shirt.

Guitar Hero 4 is just Rock Band. Interestingly, they are produced by the same people. There is no way you can justify purchasing that game. I do however give credit to the people for trying to sell the same game twice. That's the kind of weasely entrepeneurship that makes America the best country in the water. God bless this country and good night.

End Of An Era

I gave South Park and Family Guy a lot of rope over the last few years and they both finally hung themselves with this year's season openers. You have to be kidding me, I would be embarrassed to write such pieces of shit. I will not be watching any new episodes of either, don't talk to me about them. In case you missed you missed the season opener of Family Guy, it went something like this: Peter Griffin yelling some shitty song from the 1960's for 20 minutes because the writers of Family Guy have the IQ of an 8 year old (for some reason this is socially acceptable to say but retarded is not, even though being 40 with the IQ of an 8 year old is the definition of being mentally retarded. Never understood this). I was doing homework at the time, so I just quickly hit the mute button because I didn't care enough to change the channel. And you know what? The show was so loud and obnoxious that I COULD HEAR IT DESPITE TV BEING MUTED. I have never seen anything like it. It was at that point that I turned the TV off and decided I'm going to burn the family guy offices to the ground. South Park's latest episode was about one third Erik Cartman talking about "shooting people in the dick" and some of the most incredibly gratuitous bro-rape scenes of all time. It was at that point that I turned off the TV and decided I'm going to burn South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker to the ground. Thanks for Baseketball and the first couple of seasons, I'll see you in hell. When you see that guy on TV arrested for arson and murder targeting popular television show creators, the one with absolutely no regrets whatsoever, that's me.

Why is Tim McCarver ripping Manny Ramirez now? Seriously Tim, this whole ordeal happened months ago. I know your a bit old and a bit (understatement) slow, but get on the ball.

I saw an Oklahoma football player get flagged for a personal foul late hit when he was holding up Texas QB Colt McCoy. Seriously McCoy was trying to flop to the ground and the Oklahoma player was holding him up and got called for a penalty because it was on the Texas sideline. New rule: you can't get flagged for a late hit on the opponents' sideline. Wanna know why? Because nobody is so stupid as to go right into the middle of the opposing team and cheap shot one of their players. And if there ever were somebody this stupid, the other team would beat his ass so furiously and so quickly that it never happened again.

I give up on this Michigan team. Coach Rodriguez is clearly far more concerned with installing his offense than winning games and it's evident because each game looks like a practice. It doesn't matter who wins and loses, let's just hand out gold stars to the guys who got better. We may be very good in two years because of this mentality, but it's causing some embarrassing moments this year because you can't run the spread option offense without a running quarterback. These seems like a valid time to point out I've been screaming for the wildcat formation (the one where a running back takes a direct snap and acts as qb, making the play 11 on 11) for 2 weeks now.

White Sox bowed out of the playoffs, they were really just happy to be there. I'm kinda excited for next year because they have a strong core built around Quentin, Ramirez, Dye, Pierzynski (so valuable to this team), and hopefully the Konerko who hit 9 HRs in the final month of the season. The pitching staff has Buerhle, Danks, Floyd, and Vasquez returning, and I think Danks may be ready to step up and be an ace. They also can resign Orlando Cabrera, Bobby Jenks, and hope Nick Swisher returns to being a .270 hitter with a .380 OBP.

I would be remiss if I didn't point out that I called Soriano's season ending 3 pitch strikeout on a curveball in the dirt. Ok, so half of the world predicted that. They're in good shape for next season too though, assuming Zambrano returns to form and Dempster doesn't have a huge regression. They just need to find a real shortstop, move Theriot to second, and platoon DeRosa/ Fukudome/ Free Agent X in right and centerfield. They will be well served by picking up a shortstop and centerfielder who are real spark plugs because no hitter on that team currently fills that role.

The NBA kicks off and the Bulls have 11 men on their roster who need minutes. That is too many men for those of you who don't know. In a related story, watching Kirk Hinrich try to guard Josh Howard/ Jerry Stackhouse was hilarious. They ran right by him like he was a hungover college kid at an intramural game.

OJ is still playing the race card. Listen OJ, you performed an armed raid a Vegas hotel. I don't know what else to tell you, you really can't get away with that. There were cameras and everything.

I've been without internet the past couple of days, it was awful. Seriously, what did people do before 1995? Is this why we had a Cold War? Because there was nothing better to do?

'08 Division Champs

Hell Yeah! That's how you win a 1 game playoff. Hats off to Sox fans for the full blackout (the only intimidating color-out) and getting on there feet for 2-2 counts in the first inning. The team rallied behind them and the place was rocking when Griffey JR gunned out whoever that was at the plate and when Big Jim hit an 800 foot home run. Seriously did you see that thing? That's a "F*** You!" homer if one ever existed.

Hats off to Johnny Danks and Mark Buerhle for throwing a combined 15 innings of 1 run ball on Sunday and Tuesday on short rest. I feel a lot better about the playoff rotation.

I neglected to mention (purposely because I didn't want to jinx it) I was at the Sox game on sunday. Sox fans are the most underrated in all of sports. Tailgaters before the game (won't see that Wrigley) and this: 6th inning of a 3-1 game some guy in a sailor get up tries to start the wave. He comes over and starts yelling us to get up. Immediately, everyone around us starts yelling "Sit down!" or "Take that sh*t to Wrigley!" or simply "Shut the f*** up!" I HATE the wave. HATE it. There is no quicker way to tell how disinterested or awful a fan base is by how much they enjoy the wave. In an unrelated story, the wave is quite common at Padres and Cubs games.

AJ Pierzynski is the man. The James Posey of baseball, only more so.

It was a good week for me. Sox rally to take the division, Michigan curb stomps Wisconsin's title dreams with one of the greatest comebacks ever (F*** you Bret Bielema! I f***ing hate you! I hate you so much!), and the Bears took down the Eagles with a goal line stand. This may have been the greatest 4 consecutive sports days of my life. And if you count my intramural football team's upset victory over the top team to move to 7-0, it's been the greatest sports week of my life. Take that Bob Cook.

Dennis Eckersley is on my TV analyzing baseball (I can't hear because I'm currently blasting 3OH!3, a great band you should check out) and he looks like a 70's porn star. I think Jason Giambi's attempt to bring back this look singlehandedly destroyed the Yanks' playoff hopes.

I will henceforth be known as Mr. Make It Rain On Them Hoes. Props to Lil Wayne for creating that. I don't know if that's intentionally hilarious, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

Who's creepier: Samuel L. Jackson or that chocolate man from the new Axe commercials? The chocolate man haunts me every time I shut my eyes, but Jackson's performance in Lakeview Terrace taught me that if he I marry interracially, he will come to my house with a chainsaw and cut my plants. I'll give a slight edge to the chocolate man, because if I saw him I would freak out and try to kill him. If I saw Jackson I would simply avoid eye contact and not make any motions that display dominance.

That new movie with Michael Cera and the psycho daughter from 40 Year Old Virgin could not look less appealing. Both of them are utterly awful actors, who only play one whiny loser character a piece, and I know from experience that Michael Cera is a total douche. Seriously, a giant-mega-rolling down the street kind of douche.

Upset City

Down go the Trojans! Down go the Trojans! Never underestimate the letdown game. After beating down Ohio State, USC stumbled against a different OSU, the Beavers from Corvallis. This is why Pete Carroll is not a great coach, he is quickly becoming Lloyd Carr where every year you can guarantee a loss to a beatable team. Carroll is too nice, you need a son of a bitch who will tear his team a new ass early when they start playing the letdown game.

The Rays clinched today. I don't like them in the playoffs though. Boston or Anaheim is coming out of the AL.

I would like to see the White Sox make the playoffs, but their scouting department blew it in the Twins series. Here's the scene: Up 6-4 in the bottom of the 8th of the final game of the series. A win pretty much seals the post season. The Twins proceed to hit 2 crap doubles down the line and a triple. My question is, how in the fucking world are you not guarding the lines? Denard Span and Carlos Gomez aren't doubling to the gaps, they're hitting the ball down the line and taking second on pure speed. You have to account for that. Thumbs down right there. My other big thumbs down comes courtesy of Hawk Harrelson. Hawk correctly pointed out that whenever a Twins pitcher gets behind 2-0, they throw a "get me over" breaking ball. And the Sox players took every single one of these. If you know what's coming like that, you have to swing and you have to get a hit. Hell, stick a damn TV in the dugout, turn on the game and listen to what the damn announcers are saying because they know what's going on.

Has anyone aged worse than John Elway? Saw a picture of him today and I bet he greatly resembles the current state of Barbaro's corpse. Yeesh.

The Mariners could hire Kim Ng MLB's first female GM. I'm positively tingling over the possible sexual jokes. "Kim Ng resigns Ichiro for his bat." "Ng raves about Putz's heat." "Kim Ng acquires Johnson in 3-way." Oh yes, it will be a good day.

Looks like OJ is going to jail this time. If this trial doesn't prove he was crazy and murdered his wife, I don't know what will.

I can't see a real upset this week in college football, but watch Mississippi State-LSU. MSU gave Auburn a hell of a game, they lost 3-2, and LSU is coming off a big win. Fear the letdown game. FEAR IT!

You should also watch Alabama-Georgia. I predict a Georgia victory. Alabama is a really young team and they haven't proved to me that they are an elite team yet. Georgia was the second best team in the country last year (they lost out on the national championship due to a horrendous slip up against Troy) and they look like the team to beat right now.

What should I do about the Bears? On one hand, their an incompetent jackass of an official away from being 2-1 and tied on top of the division. They can easily make the playoffs and their defense is great. On the other hand, they have no chance of winning a Super Bowl and going to the playoffs will only make them worse next year. Jerry Angelo is a terrible GM and very few people have called him on this. He drafted Garrett Wolfe and Dan Bazuin in consecutive rounds on the first day for goodness sake. Both of those guys would have been there in rounds 5, 6, or 7. There is hope though for the offense as both Jeremy Maclin and Michael Crabtree should declare for the draft and then we can pick up a legitimate wideout. It's also a strong class for the O-Line but the quarterbacks suck out loud.

The government is voting on a bill to grant a posthumous pardon to boxer Jack Johnson. The man has been dead 60 years, I would worry about that 700 billion dollar bailout first.

If Ben could write an article that would be cool. Otherwise he shall no longer be listed as a contributor to a site that a maximum of 3 people read. I'm playing hardball now.

Speaking of harball, where is Keanu Reeves? I expect something crazy out of him in the next few years. Perhaps a drug trip gone horrendously awry.

I will thank Bill Simmons to stop making inane rules. That is my territory. This week's rule is that no man over the age of 10 is allowed to put ketchup on a hot dog. Anybody caught doing so shall be forced to perform a dancing rendition of "I'm a little teapot" like the child he is.

I Support Ed Hochuli

The man screwed up bad. Cut him some slack, San Diego still blew that game in every manner possible. It sucks, it's not college football where you can't come back from a loss, and he admitted the mistake right away. The rule that a whistle nullifies a play is dumb. Fix it and cut Ed, one of the officials who deserves respect, a break. I was glad to see that an ESPN sportsnation poll showed 94 percent of people agree with me. The other six can make love to an old shoe.

Pat Forde may alos make love to an old shoe. I hold a particular disdain for his college football article, one of the reasons this site exists is because I think college football analysts are in large part demented, but I have to call him on saying that Big 12 QBs are the gold standard for college quarterbacks. There are a lot of system quarterbacks, ask anyone who has watched Chase Daniel, Graham Harrell, Todd Reesing, Josh Freeman, or Zac Johnson play. There are good teams that have played garbage teams like Texas, Oklahoma, Nebraska. The rest don't even merit mention. If the Big 12 is really the quarterback cradle, why don't we hear any NFL draft buzz about them? Stats, which is what Forde uses to prove his point, are a poor indicator of skill or greatness in college football. Did somebody say Colt Brennan? I swear someone just mentioned Colt Brennan for some reason.

I started writing this friday, before incompetent officiating cost the Bears a win today. Here's the scenario: Some no-name Bucs lineman started throwing punches at Adewale Ogunleye while he was on the ground after a failed third down attempt in OT. A scuffle occurs, and about 10 Bucs players rush the field. Peanut Tillman comes over and promptly drops one Buc while several other scuffles occur. Only Tillman gets a 15 yard penalty and a first down. Three questions: How do you miss the blatant punches being thrown at Ogunleye while he's on the ground? How do you ignore the fact that several Bucs players came on to the field and jumped into the fray? How do you not call only Tillman when you know it's going to turn the game around and the Bucs were clearly at fault? Are these refs retarded? (That doesn't count as a fourth question because I am speaking rhetorically and know that the refs are retarded). Here's an idea for officials: if nobody would call it in a pickup game, you don't call it. Unless it's a spectacularly cheap shot, don't call it.

College essays suck my balls.

It's time for a new funny show. Family Guy, The Simpsons, and South Park haven't been funny in 3 years now. Futurama is underrated but falls short. I love seasons 1-5 of Scrubs but 6 and 7 were disappointing. Drama shows are always hamstrung by the fact that the good guy must win and I can't keep interest because of that. Get on it Hollywood.

What was the Ryder Cup upset equivalent to in terms of a real sport?

Charlie Weis getting caught cheating is funny. Slob.

I may not write again soon as I have a busy week trying out for the Steelers offensive line, Bears quarterback, Raiders head coach, and international assassin bent on taking out Jeremy Trueblood. Look his sorry ass up.

Public Apology

I would like to apologize for taking so much time between articles. I am better than that. The streak will continue since this is not technically an article, rather a collection of my thoughts and truths.

NASCAR announced it would not penalize one of its drivers for steroid use. This is the greatest piece of evidence I can point to as to why NASCAR is not a sport. Steroids help in sports. My way of defining a sport actually has nothing to do with the game. I define a sport as an activity whose participants you would fear getting in a fight with. I'll be honest, I don't even want to get in a fight with an NFL kicker, most of whom clock in at 6'0", 200 lbs. However if Jeff Gordon, Tony Stewart, Phil Mickelson, or Vijay Singh made a pass at my wife, I don't think I would hesitate to instigate a brawl. Granted Tiger Woods is an exception, but there are exceptions to every rule.

I will be irate if Michigan loses to Notre Dame tomorrow. Absolutely furious. Notre Dame sucks. Michigan is bad, but Notre Dame sucks. I have actually heard people say that Notre Dame's comeback win against San Diego State University was a good thing because they showed guts in the fourth. Typical, people are always blowing bubbles up ND's ass. Here's a stat, in the past 6 years, Notre Dame has beaten 6 teams ranked in the final AP poll. In that same span, they have gone to 2 BCS bowls. Since '02 they've basically been Boise State (they schedule a ton of creampuffs every year), only Boise State would probably kick their ass the last 2 years plus this one.

Is anyone else disgusted by the way ESPN is covering Vince Young's situation? Back the #### down, you have no business advertising people's most private faults to millions. From the bottom of my heart, #### you to whoever dug up that report and whoever wrote the article.

I'm giving my two most anti-climactic games of the year to this weekend's OSU-USC and NYJ vs. NE. People had circled the Bucks/Trojans as a clash of the titans since the bowls ended last year, but is anyone giving OSU a shot to win? I don't, they won't be able to run the ball at all and Boeckman will make a couple costly mistakes. I was interested in the Jets/Pats game since Favre got shipped out, but now with Brady gone, you have to like the Jets.

West Virginia is regretting the 6 year contract it gave to Bill Stewart as of last week. I saw nothing from his coaching abilities that impressed me.

Did I mention I'm rooting for the Buckeyes tomorrow. I want to see Pete Carroll's "Does anyone have any batteries?" face. If you don't get the reference, youtube the Nike Sparq Training commercials. You'll know it when you see it.

Cliff Lee is a beast. Johan Santana is a beast. Brandon Webb is a beast. CC Sabathia is a beast.

Trivia question of the week: Where the hell is Matt Leinart? I hated him at USC and now he's flopping in the NFL. Smug sense of self satisfaction, which is OK because he has 40 million dollars. Everybody wins.

Night Night.

Endzone Shenanigans And Celebrations We Need To See

First, let's establish what makes a touchdown celebration great: it should make every member of the opposing team despise you, it should involve the ball, it should involve multiple teammates, no props, and it should garner at least 30 yards in penalties. Said celebrations may only be performed on special occasions: Michigan somehow kicking the **** out of Ohio State this year, the Jets taking down the New England Evil Patriots, Miami ending Florida's national title hopes (this is where I most expect it to happen), etc. With that in mind, consider the following celebrations:

1. Guy who scores takes off his helmet (15 yards right there), two other guys come over and take their helmets off (another 30 yards). The scorer hides the football under one helmet, mixes them up, and they play "Which helmet is the ball in?" like on the jumbotron. Bonus points if they are actually playing that game while the celebration occurs. This could very well be a 60 yard penalty.

2. A Charlie Brown homage in which the scorer sets up for a field goal, the heaviest guy on the field runs up for the kick, only to have the ball pulled away. It is essential that the man falls square on his ass and that he is the biggest guy out there. If the ball is run out to the 20 yard line, it should pick up 2 unsportsmanlike conduct penalties, thus meeting the 30 yard minimum.

3. One player grabs a pylon (not a prop because it's on the field) and gets into a batting stance. The other guy goes go into a windup and brushes him back, setting off a mound charging "rumble". A third guy comes in and breaks up and dramatically tosses them from the game. (I'm counting on a second penalty after the third guy dramatically tosses them to meet the 30).

4. Feel free to post your own in the comment section, I'm sure you feel you can do better.

There are no college football games this week that feature 2 Top 25 teams or a real rivalry. Which begs the question: Why are they playing games that don't have any real meaning? Scrap the cupcake schedules and bring on Conference Showdown (see the Wish List column if you don't remember).

Ben's actually going to write an article. It will be about the NFL and feature picks. I may pick against him if I find the will to do so.

Remember where I said "I'm sure South Carolina is a bad team"? Yeah well they were ranked 24 this week before losing to Vanderbilt. I wish I made my upset picks sooner because that was more obvious than the upcoming random Family Guy joke that makes no sense and goes on for way too long. Honestly, has a show ever fallen as far in 2 seasons as Family Guy did?

Upset Alert: I only have 1 this week, and it's the previosly mentioned Florida-Miami game. Why? Miami has loads of inexperienced talent and their strengths are their runnning game. How do you beat a high powered spread offense? With a good ground attack and taleneted DBs. Tim Tebow is a bad passer who rarely makes more than one read. If the hot man is covered, he checks down or takes off. That's fine but an athletic secondary can lull him to sleep and pounce to create turnovers. I wouldn't be shocked if Timmy T threw 2 picks this game. I expect epic celebratory shenanigans should Miami pull off the upset in The Swamp.

Lock: West Virginia over ECU. ECU got the kiss of death because ESPN put WVU on upset alert. I watched them last week, they have a gamebreaker at wide receiver and a quarterback who can make plays with his feet. They also makes dumb mistakes and don't play great fundamental football. People say they were a better team than VT, and that's questionable. VT is always overrated, but ECU caught a huge break on the blocked punt. Expect them to get rolled by a much more talented West Virginia team.

Underdog Who Covers: Southern Miss at Auburn. Auburn's all banged up. I don't know how good Southern Miss is this year, they were decent last year, and I don't believe very much in Auburn.

Feel that rush of wind on your skin? That was the truth train screaming by. I'll try not to run you over with it.

Can We Get A Decent College Football Announcer?

Dear ABC,
You are ABC, you should be able to afford a group of commentators who are likeable and actually know something about college football. Please stop hiring former football players. As everyone knows, they are a spectacularly stupid and inarticulate group of people. Even if they know what's happening, they can't explain it. I am tired of muting the television during football games.

I watched Michigan-Utah and had to listen to two no-name jackasses who made fun of each other the entire game instead of explaining the x's and o's. They clearly weren't paying attention to the game, as they kept saying Nick Sheridan was doing a decent job at quarter. Sheridan went 11-19 with a fumble, INT, and TD, so if you weren't paying attention that's not awful. But if you were paying attention, you would've noticed that Utah dropped 3 picks, had a fourth called back on pass interference, and Greg Matthews plucked another one away on a jump ball. He not completed one pass that was in the air for more than 7 yards, the aforementioned jump ball, and Utah in no way respected his ability to throw the deep ball. Without a dual-threat quarterback, the spread requires the pass to set up the run. If a team doesn't respect the deep ball, the Michigan offense isn't going anywhere. Steven Threet came in and made freshmen errors, throwing behing guys and over their heads when the pressure was on, but he threw a perfect 32 yard fade touchdown. I heavily prefer Threet to Sheridan.

For the first time in years, I'm not pissed about a Michigan loss. I wasn't shocked, but please stop mentioning the Wolverines in the week 1 losers.They lost the game, but what expectations did they fail by doing so? The team has 5 starting seniors, 3 of those being on the D-line. The basic goals for the team this year are to win 9 games, beat s***-talking Notre Dame, and improve in the new system. The highest goals are to upset Ohio State and win 10 games. They won't win 10 and probably won't win 9, but all of those goals are still attainable. I wanted Michigan to win, but I wasn't shocked that they lost. They could have very well lost even if Lloyd and all his guys were there because Utah runs a spread with a dual-threat quarterback. There were a lot of positives in that game:
1. For the first time ever, Michigan shut down a spread offense. They gave up 28 yards in the second half and adjusted after an awful first half. It excites me that we have a coaching staff that can actually adjust and one that knows how to stop a spread.
2. The defense wasn't winded in the fourth quarter. Another first ever in my lifetime.
3. Obi Ezeh and Donovan Warren are superstars in the making and both are true sophomores. Sam McGuffie showed flashes of what he can do in space. Steven Threet can throw a good deep ball. This team has some talented underclassmen.

I don't expect this team to win every game, but I do expect them to be in every game. I say 7-8 wins this year with higher expectations next year.

Who went 2-3 picking the underdog? That's right I did. I'll be picking all the big games in the future, as well as my upset alerts, and locks. Hopefully Ben will take me up on a challenge with some sort of ridiculous bet involved. I've found I have a penchant for shenanigans.

Adam Rittenberg runs a good blog on ESPN about the Big 10.

The Pats are going to lose 5 games this year. The loss of Donte Stallworth is going to hurt Wes Welker's game and more pressure on a somewhat fragile Laurence Maroney. The secondary is AWFUL. They essentially have 3 undersized linebackers at safety in Tank Williams, Brandon Meriweather, and Rodney Harrison. The cornerbacks are a group of nickelbacks and only 1 is listed at 6 feet, which means none actually crack 5'11". They vastly improved their linebackers and the D-line is again very good, but those groups are going to have to generate a lot of pressure in order to cover up for a weak secondary.

KABOOSH!! You feel that. That's the truth being layed down on you. Glad I could make your day.

Prepare For Glory

College football kicks off tomorrow, and frankly it's the greatest thing ever. Why is it better than the NFL? Because there's an underdog, tradition, real rivalries, and the clock stops after first downs making the fourth quarter infinitely more exciting. Pro football just doesn't compare, especially when it comes to rivalries. Michigan/Ohio State kicks the living crap out of Bears/Packers. So strap on your beer helmets and lock the female figures out of the house, it is time.

ESPN kicked off the football season by signing a 15 year contract with the SEC, which means they're gonna shove their head so far up that conference's ass that they'll be wearing Urban Meyer's colon as a hat. If I hear one more time that SEC football is "just different" and "simply better than everyone else", I'm going to drive over to Bristol and punch Gameday's producer square in the trachea. People like to dump on the Big 10, but over the past 5 years, the conferences are 9-9 against each other in bowl games (that info thanks to the extremely biased secsportsfan.com). Factor in that every single one of those games is a road game for the Big 10 team, and it looks like the middle and upper tiers of the Big 10 are better than those of the SEC. The only real difference is that the SEC has a much better lower class of teams (Vanderbilt, South Carolina, Ole Miss, and Mississippi State are better than Minnesota, Northwestern, Purdue, and Indiana). The fact that Ohio State got blown out by Florida, after a fluke but karma delivering injury to their key offensive player when he was celebrating a touchdown, should not be representative of the entire argument. Last year everyone knew LSU was head and shoulders above every other team in the country. #7 USC lost to Stanford, #5 Georgia lost to Troy, #3 Virginia Tech already lost by 40 to LSU, #4 Oklahoma lost to Colorado and Texas Tech, #8 Kansas was no better than Michigan State and got to the Orange Bowl by running up the score on garbage opponents, #6 Missouri was pretty much, make that exactly, the same team as Illinois. I am more than happy to credit the SEC with the best 2 teams in the last 2 years, but it is simply not a group of NFL teams dominating the collegiate level.

Now that I got my rant about the SEC out of the way, with minor jabs at the Big 12 which people also overrate, let's talk this year. My rule is that I don't talk about teams that I haven't watched, because it's so obvious when somebody like Lee Corso or one of your friends does this. So far I've watched a few Michigan practice highlights and South Carolina vs. NC State. South Carolina blew NC State out, and yet I'm still sure that they are a bad team. They threw 4 picks and still managed to shut the Wolfpack out. Frankly, it's more of a testament to NC State's incredible sucking power.

Why is everybody crapping on Michigan saying they're going to go 7-5? They just brought in the spread offense. Northwestern can go 7-5 in the Big 10 with a spread (the true weakness of the Big 10 is shoddy, old-fashioned coaching), I think Michigan can at least pull off 9 wins. Yeah they have a red-shirt freshman QB, but a senior wouldn't have a significant edge in knowing the system. The spread turned Pat Whie, a receiver for goodness sake, into a Heisman candidate QB. Yes the speed option is missing, but Michigan has a stable of really good running backs who actually fit the spread offense (Carlos Brown, Avery Horn, and Brandon Minor) which should be able to push ahead on the ground. Spread receivers don't need to be spectacular, just fast with one big guy, and there aren't a lot of complex patterns for them to run. You know who's excited to see what youtube legend Sam McGuffie can do with a bubble screen or quick slant? THIS guy. Frankly, it's one of the simplest and most effective offenses to run, and with talented players it can be absolutely devastating. Other important factors: the defense is actually in shape for once as they have been trained by a man who is essentially the physical embodiment of all those Chuck Norris jokes, there's an actual coaching staff, there's no pressure, they only play one team (Ohio State) that is a significant favorite and they have already been proven to be weak against the spread. Every game they play is winnable, I just don't expect them to win every game. Just more than 7.

Baseball introduced instant replay thursday. Kenny Rogers said that it shouldn't be done because you don't get a mulligan or a chance to redo mistakes in real life. Who the F*** asked you, Kenny Rogers? You still mad you didn't get a redo that time you attacked a camera man?

Upset Alerts for tomorrow's games: #17 Virginia Tech at ECU, #6 Missouri vs. #20 Illinois.
Lock: #3 USC at Virginia
Underdog who covers: Bowling Green at #25 Pittsburgh.

Remember that gambling is illegal and that information is for the purpose of winning Monopoly Dollars only. Any person caught gambling shall be condemned to hell where they will experience pain beyond imagination because a man in an exquisite hat and white robes told me so.

Has anyone noticed that the best analysts of a sport are often guys who never played? Most of the ex-players suck. As such is this case, the following people should simply be replaced by Erin Andrews or cardboard cutouts of Erin Andrews: Shannon Sharpe, Tom Jackson, Bob Kruk, Fernando Viña, Jalen Rose, and Lou Holtz should simply be euthanized.

Now it is time for rest, for tomorrow shall be a big day. You can now go back to stalking people on facebook or myspace or even in real life. I promise I won't judge you for it.

Insert Outlandish Statement Here

As I head over to ESPN today to do my daily news gathering as well as hope that Bill Simmons may once again write an article, and not one about Boston, I notice that the headline is a comparison of the Dream Team vs. the Redeem Team. This is not the first time I've seen the article, but I have yet to read an actual breakdown. So I'll do one, keep in consideration that I'm basing most of the Dream Team analysis on the 90, 91, and 92 seasons, which is when most of the guys were in their prime.

Point Guards:

Magic Johnson and John Stockton vs. Chris Paul and Deron Williams.
I assume the Dream Team would play Stockton when Paul was on the court and Magic when Williams was in. Paul is better at drving to the basket and scoring, but Stockton was averaging a ridiculous 14 assists at the time. They are both on the All NBA Defensive Team and of similar heights. On a team of superstars, I might prefer Stockton's superior passing ability, but they are about equal. The reak advantage comes when Williams matches up with Magic. Williams' greatest asset is his size at point guard, which he uses to bully or simply shoot over smaller guards. Magic is 6'8". Williams' would be completely locked down on the offensive end. It would be interesting to see how Johnson would match up with a smaller, quicker Chris Paul. I personally see Stockton as a better match for him.

Advantage: Dream.

Shotting Guards:

Michael Jordan and Clyde Drexler vs. Kobe Bryant and Dwyane Wade.
Michael Jordan would crush Kobe Bryant in every facet of the game, to the point where Kobe would feel the need to re-masculate himself in a Colorado hotel room (you decide what that means). I am so sick of hearing any conversation that remotely compares the two. Jordan was so far a superior scorer, but people rarely realize that because their points per game totals are similar. What people don't realize is that Kobe's peak FG percentage is around 45 while Jordan at his peak shot around 52 percent from the field. To put 7 percent in perspective, that's the difference between Kobe and Larry Hughes. Michael Jordan was one of the best defenders ever, Kobe is second on his team to a man named Sasha. Michael Jordan also makes his teammates a lot better. I'm not about to compare Scottie Pippen to Lamar Odom, but I will say that Odom has a lot of the tools (size, shooting touch, ability to play multiple positions) that Pippen had and I belive Jordan would at least make him a viable all-star candidate. Look at the 1997-98 Bulls, the greatest team ever. They had Jordan, Pippen, Rodman, and a ton of role players. You could possible even count Rodman as the greatest role player ever, the perfect rebound/defense man. Kukoc couldn't defend me, Luc Longley was a stiff, Ron Harper was about the same as this year's Derek Fisher, and nobody else has more than one dimension. That team was the best ever. Kobe had a top 5 center, a more dynamic third option than Kukoc, similar caliber role players, and couldn't make the finals all that interesting. So there's my rant. Drexler and Wade are about even, I don't really care that much about them.

Advantage: Dream Team

Small Forwards:
Scottie Pippen, Larry Bird, and Chris Mullin vs. LeBron James, Tayshaun Prince, and Michael Redd.
I'd like to see Pippen vs. Lebron. Lebron has an inch and 20 pounds on Scottie, but Scottie is a far superior defender and had a much more refined game. It would be good. And even if LeBron simply overpowered him, I expect Chuck Daly would switch Charles Barkley on to him and let's see what happens when LeBron tries to run him over (it's his only move). I'd be willing to bet it's something sneaky and painful. I don't think Prince could match up with Bird's 20, 10, and 7. Bird's game is simply too polished and he can come at you in so many different ways. Both Redd and Mullin are SG/SF combos who can drain from the outside. Mullin however was All NBA in '92 while Redd was a good scoring threat on an awful team.

Advantage: slight Dream Team.

Power Forwards:
Karl Malone and Charles Barkley vs. Carmello Anthony and Carlos Boozer.
It's funny, Malone going up the heir to his throne. They also both happen to be 6'9", put up nearly identical numbers, specialize in the pick and roll, and have had trouble reaching the summit. Barkley vs. Anthony would be another fantastic matchup. Anthony would try to take him outside, while Barkley would pound him in the post.

Advantage: None.

Centers:
Patrick Ewing and David Robinson vs. Dwight Howard and Chris Bosh.
The Dream Team has a small size advantage while the Redeem Team has a significant athleticism advantage. I think Howard wins his matchup against Ewing because of his freakish athleticism and leaping ability. A young David Robinson was a little better than Chris Bosh, but not that much.

Advantage: slight Redeem Team.

I feel that Dream Team was a better team, but it would be a good game. They have a bigger advantage in international play because the Dream Team featured better 3-point shooters, but we wouldn't play like that because you should get to play by your own rules when you invent the game. Kudos to the US Basketball team for bringing home gold, as well as all the other medalists who gave the US a 10 medal victory over a country that was cheating. Good day.

An Actual Sports Article

Title says it all. This one will not be based on dangerous animals or things I hate.

As a White Sox fan, I feel it's time somebody made the case for Alexei Ramirez as rookie of the year. The only other viable candidate is the Rays' Evan Longoria. Longoria is injured but ad about 70 more at bats than Ramirez before going down so it's doesn't make a difference. Their lines are:
Longoria- .278 BA, .353 OBP, 22 HRs, 71 RBIs, 7 SBs.
Ramirez- .311 BA, .330 OBP, 14 HRs, 55 RBIs, 9 SBs.

Looking at those surface stats, Longoria looks slightly better. Thankfully, we have many more stats to look at. For example, with runners in scoring position, Ramirez is hitting .400. Longoria is hitting .235. With scoring position and 2 out, Alexei hits .351. Longoria hits .246. Who would you rather have with a man on second and down 1? Probably the guy hitting 100-165 points higher in those situations. Alexei's also a better fielder. You can find that out by checking the stats or watching Baseball Tonight. Chances are he's on there making another web gem. And I don't like to make this kind of argument, but Alexei would have more RBIs if he weren't buried in the 7th or 8th spot. Quentin, Dye, and Thome already clear most of the baserunners, and the Sox have too much invested in strugglers Paul Konerko and Nick Swisher to drop them behind 7. Would you rather have the super clutch, strong fielding, .310 hitting second basemen with partially deflated RBI totals? Or do you prefer the mashing, decent fielding third basemen, who gets on base more often? They are both good options, but I think one is better than the other. And while I don't have a vote, ROY voting is really a popularity contest. So I'm going to introduce the world to my man crush, Alexei Ramirez.

The Bulls completely screwed up with Ben Gordon. Way to go Bulls management, you finally add a penetrating presence (giggle) to the team, only to get rid of your best perimeter shooter. You know who really benefits from a driving point guard? Good perimeter shooters. Anyway, he announced that he's played his last game as a Bull and he needs to be traded. So I came up with a few scenarios. These assume Gordon takes the 6.4 million qualifying offer.

The stretch deal:

1. Bulls send Ben Gordon and Kirk Hinrich to Denver, utilize 5.2 Joe Smith trade exception.
Nuggets send Allen Iverson to Chicago.

The Nuggets do this in order to get younger, something they made a priority when they traded Marcus Camby for nothing. They would have a core of Hinrich, Gordon, Carmello, and Nene. Not bad. The Bulls do it as a 1 year flier on Iverson, and it makes them an Eastern Conference version of the 2007 Golden State Warriors. They would have slashing guards, a strong scoring threat, a good midrange shooter in Deng, and some tough defensive guys in the post. It goes against the youth theme, but at a certain point the Bulls have to make a splash. Maybe at the deadline they could acquire a center and turn the team into a championship threat.

2. Bulls send Ben Gordon to the Nets.
Nets send Stromile Swift and a first round pick to the Bulls.

The Nets would move the 6'6" Vince Carter to SF and have a core of Harris, Gordon, Carter, Yi, and Brook Lopez. They could trade either Gordon or Carter when LeBron comes to town in a couple years. Swift gets buried for the year and take a first rounder in the teens for their troubles.

3. Bulls send Ben Gordon to the Magic.
Magic send Hedo Turkoglu to the Bulls.

The Magic don't have a crunch time perimeter shooter, look up Turkoglu's brick on the final play against the Pistons, and Gordon would give them that. Hedo brings some size and replaces Gordon's perimeter shooting.

4. Bulls send Ben Gordon to the Raptors.
The Raptors send Anthony Carter and Joey Graham to the Bulls.

Carter is a decent young player, but Gordon is a clear upgrade. The Bulls don't need Graham, but need his salary. He'd probably be flipped for a second rounder. It's 80 cents on the dollar, but it may be as much as the Bulls can get.

I personally believe that the best and most likely deal is Gordon for Turkoglu.

So the US basketball team looks pretty dominant, huh? I love how I'm surprised by that. I also love how we beat down the Aussies when some of their guys were chirping before the game. My favorite is the Australian who said Team USA was in "deep s---" because they were overconfident. Really, who was in "deep s---" Mr. Kangaroo? Who was overconfident? The scoreboard would indicate that "the Kangaroos" would be a correct answer to both of those question. (Note: the Kangaroos is not their official team name, however it seems appropriate.)

http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?id=3542649. Rick Reilly basically summed up how I feel about the Chinese government and the olympics. This year they have been a particularly spectacular sham. Falsified documents, outright lies, a fascist and moderately tyrannical government, and some questionable judging. Nineteen of China's 45 gold medals come in events that are scored subjectively, while only 1 of their silver medals comes in scored events. Isn't that odd? Wouldn't you expect the ratio to be a little bit more even at the top levels of elite competition than 19:1? Also, China has 10 more gold medals than they have silver and bronze combined. Every other has about the same amount of gold, silver, and bronze, if not a little more in the silver and bronze. This is more questionable than Justin Timberlake's manhood. And that is highly questionable to anyone who has heard him sing like a pre-pubescent girl.

Feeling sad about the end of summer? Football starts soon. And once that happens, I can write a real post. So now you have something to look forward to. Until then, good day.

Late Night Rants

It's late and I was up until 5 in the morning with my friend in New York yesterday, so now seemed like the perfect time to write. I'm pretty sure that a lot of the greatest pieces of writing were written by authors that were sleep deprived or intoxicated, in one way or another they were not in a perfect mental state. My thoughts on all the important things that happened, and some that may not have happened, over the past couple of days are as follows:

Watching the US Swim team get Michael Phelps his eighth gold was worth leaving Soho early. I felt like going out and destroying communism, only to learn that there are only 1 or 2 real communist states left because communism doesn't work. Yet I still see a bunch of hipster punks handing out communist fliers claiming to know better than you. The aforementioned people should be rounded up and sent Antarctica. Let's see if polar bears tolerate their shennanigans.

Speaking of polar bears, you know that WWF commercial where they show a bunch of cute endangered polar bears on some floating ice in order to get you to send them money? They should show a polar bear taking down a small whale, which they do, and literally biting its face off. I feel that's a more accurate representation of the mighty polar bear and I would definitely feel like I owed them money after seeing something that amazing.

While up from 2 to 4 last night I watched the second Harold and Kumar movie. It was the first thing I had ever seen during that time period that wasn't funny. Seriously, everything is fantastic from 2 to 4 in the morning and that movie still sucked. Don't see it.

However, you should see Pineapple Express. I put it on the overrated side of a column a week ago, was ready for a letdown, and loved that movie. I consider myself a fairly tough movie guy, but Pineapple Express was genuinely excellent.

Everytime I fly, the airline seats me next to someone with gray hair and a moustache. Sometimes it's a man, sometimes it's a woman, but I never get sat next to someone withing 30 years of me. Frankly, I'd like to sit next to an attractive girl.

I got to try some kobe beef this weekend, because I wasn't paying for the meal, and it is noticeably tastier. It was only a slider, not a whole steak or anything, but it tasted like happiness and children's laughter. I recommend trying it once in your life, especially if someone else is paying.

I don't remember who or where, but someone described ESPN as standing for the Eastern Seaboard Programming Network. I liked that, very accurate.

For summer reading I came across a graduation speech given by Conan O'Brien. I found it amusing, I laughed out loud, and I may even have been inspired. I don't know what inspiration feels like so it could have been something else, I don't care because that's not what cool people do. Anyway here's a link. http://painstakinglydrafted.wordpress.com/2007/05/02/conan-obriens-graduation-speech/

You know how I said that Michael Phelps should tea bag his opponents after crushing them? Well Usain Bolt came about as close as you really can when he started taunting everyone in the 100 meter dash finals with a third of the race left, and still set a world record. I was amazed by both his speed and lack of sportsmanship.

What do you think Phelps should do with his 8 gold medals? I think he should have them made into the most bitchingest menorah ever. One for each night. Wearing them all when he goes out in public would be cool, too.

Guess who currently has more medals, Canada or Kazakhstan? If you guessed Kazakhstan, grab yourself a gold star.

Madden 09 is sweet, although I don't love the computer IQ thing. If someone could tell me how to defend that play on the IQ where both receivers run button hooks, that would be great.

I'm going to come back to this in the morning and see if it makes any sense. If it does, I'll edit it until it doesn't. Until then, I'm off to destroy the Kraken.

Gold Medal Column

This remains a somewhat difficult time to write about sports, evidenced by all the coverage given to NBA 12th men jumping to Europe and the media created threat surrounding it. I like that Cavs owner Dan Gilbert recently called major sports writers out on it. Here's another random thoughts column.

Has anyone else notice that the early olympic events are all games dominated by the Chinese? I don't know if they choose the schedule, I assume they do, and it looks like they're trying to make themselves look better. Has there been a single track and field event? What the hell is men's 10 meter air pistol? It freaked me out to see the Chinese leading the medal count, but when it turns out they're winning all of it in judo, lightweight division weightlifting, and shooting, I understand. Americans don't particularly care about those sports. We'll take the lead as soon as the sports start involving a ball. I also think it's funny that Americans are stereotyped as fat and lazy even though we're the most athletic country in the world.

If Michael Phelps wins 8 gold medals, he should be allowed to tea bag all those who fell to his might. That's how it works on Xbox Live. You get wrecked, you get bagged.

The Yankee beast is finally dead. It has to be. They have to make up more than a game a week to get the division, and are 4 back of their biggest rival for the wild card, and are injured all over. I honestly feel better knowing they aren't in the playoffs. My only regret is that the streak ended the year after Papa George stepped down. His tirade could have been the stuff of legend.

Hawk Harrelson recently said that 3 most dangerous teams are the Angels, Cubs, and White Sox. Having seen some of all 3, as well as the Red Sox and Rays, I agree with that assessment. All 3 have lineups that can bomb and 3 pitchers that can be downright dominant. I wouldn't want to play the Brewers in a 5 game set, but they aren't as well off for a 7 game as the others because they play awful defense and have no bullpen.

The D'Backs picked up Adam Dunn today for prospects. I don't know how much he'll help over there, seeing as he doesn't hit for average and no one in front of him can get on base. Like an anti-social drinker, most of his shots will be solo.

http://www.faniq.com/blog/Video-Michael-Phelps-Jason-Lezak-And-USA-4x100-Freestyle-Relay-Team-Beat-France-To-Win-Gold-Blog-10943. I haven't figured out how to hyperlink on this, but it's the Americans coming back to beat the the trash talking French. Why were the French talking trash? The last 2 times they talked trash, Germany ended up running the country for a little while. I think we should let Germany run France for a little while until they remember where they belong. Go away French people, I don't like you.

You may be wondering why I dislike the French. I suggest you read the book "50 Reasons To Hate The French" or watch Thomas L. Friedman's "Does Europe Hate Us?". Both are excellent examples of why we should train polar bears and other endangered wild animals to attack France and make it their new home.

I was disappointed by the coverage of the Beijing stabbings. Seemed sensationalist and I felt it lacked respect for the victims.

Michael Phelps just set another world record and won another gold medal. The man is a freak.

Did South Park and Family Guy become significantly more juvenile over the last 2 years or did I mature? I did not mature so it must be the former. I made up a fun game called "See How Much Time Family Guy Wastes In An Episode With Unfunny Running Jokes Because They Can No Longer Come Up With Original Ideas." I'm working on a better title, but it averages around 5 minutes per show.

27 Hours until Madden. I think I'll write a review article on that. Let's hope they fixed the "F*** YOU!!" play that the computer likes to screw you with in the fourth quarter. You know the play. The one where your about to take control of the game and you fumble, or the computer breaks 5 tackles for a score. I broke many an electronic device on the "F*** YOU!!" play.

May Snow Wolf bless you with a pleasant night.

NO MORE BRETT FAVRE!!!

The Packers finally made the move and dealt Brett to the Jets. I tried not to comment on this whole saga, but now that there's a trade, I have a reason to speak out. Looking over the Packers offense, I feel better about the Bears chances at a wild card. Our offense sucks, but the Packers offense just lost a huge playmaker and their defense isn't as good as ours. Brett may kill a team with a stupid pick in the playoffs, in fact he has twice, but he takes a questionable offense with no running back and turns it into a threat. Live by the Favre, die by the Favre.

The Jets strongly resemble last year's Packers that went 13-3. Granted that they play in the AFC, but looking over their schedule, 10-6 is well within reach. It's going to be a battle with Cleveland, Tennessee, and Jacksonville for those 2 wild card spots. I personally like Cleveland and Jacksonville out of that group, but all 4 could make and maybe the Texans or Bills could threaten as well.

I hold no regard for the Packers management regime. How do you force out a 3-time MVP, who never missed a game in 16 years, brought a small market team a Super Bowl and respect, and most importantly, is an upgrade over your current starter? Did Brett flip-flop? Hell yes. But it was clear at every step that he still wanted to be a Packer, and even more clear that Ted Thompson (who looks like some sort of deviant) would not allow that. I think Favre handled this wrongly, he should have said all along that I want to be a Packer and these guys won't let me.

MLB is investigating reports that Scott Boras encouraged Manny to tank in order to guarantee the Red Sox would not pick up their team option on him. Manny signed his previous with a different agent, so Boras sees no money until Manny signs a new contract. Here's to hoping they find significant evidence and banish Boras's pitchfork carrying ass from professional sports.

Also, please spare me the ensuing race argument that people are only saying Manny tanked because he isn't white. He did tank, OK. He hit .347 at the plate because he's smart. He knows he's auditioning for money in the offseason and if teams feel he's lost his eye or bat speed, that's millions of dollars lost. He did it in the field and on the basepaths. You've seen the highlights of him letting flyballs drop and the one where he slides by the ball then rolls around over it, thus turning a pop out into a triple. He did it by choke-slamming travel aides, hitting Kevin Youkilis, shoving Red Sox employees, and telling Francona he wouldn't play. This isn't a race issue, this is Manny being a complete and utter turd.
(Note: As soon as I wrote this, Rob Parker on ESPN's 1st and 10 played the race card. For the first time ever, I'm nodding in agreement with douche Skip Bayless. Lead us to the almighty truth Skip!)

Who's excited for Madden? I'm excited for Madden. I'll be forming one of those full league online fantasy draft leagues where nerds play each other every sunday. Oh yes.

The Grizz signed Josh Smith to an offer sheet for 11.5 million a year. The Hawks will match it if they have any sense. I'm not sure why the Grizz did that, they just trade Pau Gasol for nothing. If you were gonna make a playoff push, all-star centers are typically considered valuable. I think Chris Wallace and Annonymous Rich Guy Who Owns The Grizzlies are bipolar. Let's get Bob Ley on this.

I really should have put Kobe Bryant in the overrated article. If he wins a title without Shaq, then we can compare him to Julius Erving not Michael Jordan. I would honestly prefer to have LeBron James's 30 points, 8 reb, and 7 assists last year over Kobe's 28, 6, and 5 in the same categories. LeBron took the Celtics to 7 with a garbage heap. Kobe put up 5 games of fight with an all-star center and a solid 3rd option in Lamar Odom. Vujacic would've been the starter on the Cavs, he was in the bench rotation for the Lakers.

Thr Olympics start today and I don't particularly care. Come home with gold or move in with the Mongols.

Overrated or Underrated?

I'm sorry for my last article being unbearably long, I had a lot to say. This one will be shorter and features a theme, which is rare. A friend asked for an overrated/underrated column, and I can't deny a request because it means someone will read this. It's been done before, but Will Ferrell plays the same character in every movie and he never gets old, so maybe it's like Will Ferrell. I tried to find a counterpart for everything and they are ranked from most eggregiously misrated to only slightly misrated.

Overrated: Lil Wayne. He rhymes the same words over and over, he rarely makes any sense, he mispronounces words and finishes thoughts half way in order to fit rhymes, he's repetitive, his songs have no energy, and he's incredibly popular. His new hit "A Milli" would be the worst song I've ever heard, had I not already heard Lil Wayne's "Phone Home". I understand that he makes frat party music, but so do many other people (often better) and none of them get mention as the heir to rap's throne. It's a well known fact that Lil Wayne just gets high as hell, turns on the mic, and just churns out songs. I can respect that he's at work so often, but if you're not stoned, he just sounds like another stoner retard telling you about something you had to be there to understand.

Underrated: I don't listen to too much rap so it's hard to find a counterpart and most good rap gets popular pretty quick. So I'll give you some albums that I particularly like that aren't that well known or may have and have forgotten about: Lucky Boys Confusion's Commitment, Reel Big Fish's Our Live Album Is Better Than Your Live Album, Vertical Horizon's Everything You Want, Linkin Park's Hybrid Theory, Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here (My Favorite Album Cover Ever), and as much I think Kanye's a punk, he did good on Graduation. The first albums are more underrated and the others are popular but I wanted to represent a lot of genres and those cover more. I also really like the Killers' Hot Fuss, but hate their new stuff.

Overrated: Playoff experience in baseball. So few teams make the playoff (only 3 every year from the AL since the Yanks make it every year) that really not a lot of guys have playoff experience. Sure there are legends who shine every October, but it's such a crapshoot in baseball that lacking a championship ring doesn't really hinder a player's Hall of Fame resume. Since 2000, the final year of the Yankees reign, 4 teams who had just about no playoff experience won the world series. They are the 2001 D'Backs, the 2002 Angels, the 2003 Marlins, and the 2005 White Sox. I had a witty one-liner to drop here, but I just watched a commercial in which a biker gets into to bed with a man in a Geico Gecko suit and can not think.

Underrated: Outifield defense. It sounds like an oxymoron, but it's one of the reasons the Twins have made it this far. When the White Sox played them, I was really impressed and infuriated with their ability to get to balls in the gap, turning doubles into singles or outs. A team also can't be as aggressive tagging against good outfielders. Looking back at the outfields of world series winners (thanks baseball-reference.com), almost all of them had strong defensive outfields. The '01 D'Backs outfielders made 4 errors all year. the '03 Marlins had Juan Pierre when he was good, Miguel Cabrera when he could fit through a door, and Juan Encarnacion had a nifty 7/0 Assist to Error ratio. The '05 White Sox moved Scott Podsednik to left, had Aaron Rowand in center, and Jermaine Dye's league leading 9 assists in right. If a seemingly inferior team keeps winning, take a close look at who's roaming the outfield for them.

Overrated: Missouri and Illinois. Mark it down, Missouri will go 10-3 but get crushed by Texas and Oklahoma in the Big 12 championship. They don't play a real schedule and the Big 12 deserves it's own rant on being overrated. Illinois has Ron Zook at the helm, so they will get 1 big win (probably Missouri), beat the teams they should, and lose to teams of a similar caliber. A final record of 8-4 seems likely.

Underrated: Iowa. This year's Missouri that will end up being vastly overrated after going through a schedule that features no top 10 opponent. Kirk Ferentz is on the hot seat and if he's really a good coach, he'll pull himself off that seat with a 10 or 11 win season.

Overrated: Pineapple Express. It came out today, I haven't seen it, I don't know anyone who has, but it will be overrated. It's a movie all about pot and there's nothing a pot head with a burnt out sense of humor loves more than weed jokes. It will be pretty funny, but stoners will laugh too loud, too long, and talk too much about it. Was Knocked Up really that great a movie? No, but it appealed to the the right crowd and it know gets treated like a great movie. Same thing here.

Underrated: Boondock Saints. My favorite move nobody knows. The plot isn't brilliant, but there's lots of action and the movie is shot really well. Will definitely entertain you everytime you see it.

Overrated: Running Backs.

Underrated: Offensive Line. The best running backs in the NFL are products of their offensive line. Look at Larry Johnson after he had 2 Hall of Famers on the left side of his line retire. He went from the best to washed up. After the Vikings picked up Steve Hutchinson, Chester Taylor became a viable offensive option and Adrian Peterson looks like Jesus in pads. Edgerrin James leaves the Colts O-Line for the Cardinals and can't average 3.5 YPC. All the league's best running backs have great offensive lines. A good runner becomes great and a great becomes an all-timer. This is not to doubt the talents of LT, Adrian Peterson, and others, but they would not be anywhere near where they are without a strong group of uglies clearing the way.

Overrated: The Dark Knight. Great movie, not in the top 3 I have ever seen. I've heard too many friends say it's a top 10 movie ever.

Underrated: Boxing. You can download the Margarito-Cotto fight for free online and I recommend you do if you have some free time.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to listen to Tha Carter III and laugh my ass off at Lil Wayne's attempt at music. Then I will feel bad because he makes millions of dollars. Then I will feel good again because he looks like he was hit in the face with a frying pan. Then I will feel bad because he still gets more sex than he can handle. Then finally good again because I don't have chlamydia.

Warped, Sports, and Forts

A lot of things happened the last 3 days or so. We had a flurry of activity at the trade deadline, I hit up the Warped tour in Milwaukee, and built the most bitching fort in my basement.

Trade Winners:

1. Milwaukee Brewers. They at least bought themselves a playoff birth and a shot at the division in the Sabbathia trade. He's a perfect NL pitcher: can go deep into games, overpowering stuff, and can hit. It's not a tough call when he comes up top 7 to say "take your bat CC, you're out there next inning." That's important. They gave up Matt LaPorta and a friend of mine who works for the Brewers and watched LaPorta is sure he'll be a stud. So the Indians got a good looking deal as well.

2. Chicago Cubs. Harden and Wood, can we get NBA benchwarmer Matt Bonner to work in middle relief so we can make more jokes? Rich is a great six inning pitcher, but he's only a 6 inning pitcher. Which is why you will see great stats from him in every category but the win-loss column. You can count on 3 runs or less, but how much do you like turning the ball over to middle relievers for 2 innings every outing? Those guys are wild cards, that's why they aren't starters or closers. The scouting reports are very positive on Gallagher and he's posting a 4 ERA at 22, so he might be very good one day. He needs to work on better mixing his pitches as well as locations (thank you ESPN scouting).

3. Angels. A middle of the order consisting of Vlad, Teixeira, and Torii Hunter. That's intimidating. They know look like the most complete team in baseball. They lost Kotchman who's a good young player, but his OBP was .321 and he was on pace to be a 20 HR guy. You want more out of your 5 guy. They also gave up Steve Marek a closer-prospect. Angels fans may be upset over losing a sentimental favorite in Kotchman, who's father is a minor league manager for the Angels and was brought up on the Angels, but the fact of the matter is that most of the game's very good-elite 1B were far better at age 25 than Kotchman is.

-----Epic Gap in the impact of the trades.

3. Yankees. Picked up Pudge who calls a good game and hits decently for an easily replaceable Kyle Farnsworth. Xavier Nady is incredibly underrated and will probably take over at DH. That lineup will not be fun to go throw because everyone can hurt you, with the exception of the Melky "Milkman" Cabrera (the milkman only delivers once a week, much like Cabrera). Marte is a left handed specialist who adds depth to the bullpen. They gave up a couple of B prospects, which if your the Yanks means nothing.

4. White Sox and Reds. Good trade for both sides. Griffey probably won't be an everyday starter, but will push Swisher and Konerko to start performing as well as allow Dye and Quentin to take a day off here and there without forfeiting the game. The two have combined to miss 4 out of about 200 possible games. Granted baseball isn't a taxing sport, but you still want guys fresh. Griffey also provides a left handed power bat to balance the order. The Reds win because they save 8 million dollars. They got a long reliever and utility man in the process too, if that means anything.

Neutral:

1. Dodgers. Manny is crazy. He is gone, became a complete caricature of himself. He can still hit well, but he's only in it for the money. I can see him fighting Jeff Kent to the death in a daring camel-back joust, we REALLY need to bring back jousting, or I could see him leading the Dodgers to an NL West division championship. It's not a real risk, because he came essentially for free, but I'm evaluating based on how much the deal could help. It may not make any impact whatsoever, could tear the clubhouse apart, or give them an already winnable NL West. They are not a championship threat.

2. Pirates. I have to assume there going to use all the pieces they acquired to bring an a stud player. Otherwise it seems like they set themselves up to be this years pre-Manny Dodgers.

3. Tigers. Pudge will be replaced by super-utility Brandon Inge and production won't really suffer. Their bullpen needed the help.

4. Braves. Probably could have gotten same caliber players with the compensation picks from Teixeira, although grabbing the players through a trade is a little safer.

Losers:

1. Red Sox. Lost the face of the franchise. Bay isn't a long drop performance-wise, but he is in the category of fear. People knew and feared Manny, perhaps because he resembles the Predator meets fat Pirates of the Carribean Johnny Depp, and baseball is a game where players psyche themselves out. Bay isn't scary, he's Canadian. Teams intentionally walked teammate Nate McClouth 3 times as often as they did Bay. You also never know how a guy going from nobody watching in Pittsburgh to the bright lights of Boston is going to react. He looked good last night though. Is anyone else wondering where Bill Simmons commentary on his favorite team losing it's defining player went?

2. Rays and Marlins who missed out on Bay and Manny respectively. They Rays didn't lose too bad though, because Manny is gone from the division. I thought the Twins should have gone after a power bat to plug in at DH and solidify the order, but I don't really question their methods.

WARPED TOUR

I made the hour long drive to Warped Tour's Milwaukee stop with my friend Billy. I was going basically just to see Reel Big Fish but I ended up catching 4 shows and hanging out to hear another couple. The following are my mental notes:

In any given room, I'm in the top 5 palest people there. Usually there's a couple people who see less sun than me, but I'm always up there. Not at Warped. Here I'm a bronzed god. It's the skater/irony/misfit crowd and my friend and I stick out pretty bad because we don't hate life and see the sun.

Not a particularly attractive female crowd. Strike Milwaukee off the list of cities I want to be an eligible bachelor in.

The first band we catch is We The Kings at 1. My friend Scott saw them in New York and said the played well but it wasn't that fun. I endorse his statement.

Around 2, we head over to the free Monster bar and listen in on Motion City Soundtrack. I don't have any music by most of the bands here, but I have heard some stuff by all of them. I was very comfortale sipping on an energy drink and overhearing MCS. They were pretty good and the fans were into it.

2:30- Against Me. I stood towards the back because I only knew a couple of their songs and I'm happy I made that descision. A couple of people came out of the mosh pit with serious gashes. Definitely not a studio band, but they tried to play straight through their entire set and lost some steam at the end. It was a pretty impressive show, usually you see a band slow it down a little but they played at an incredible pace up to half way through the last song.

We took a break for an hour between Against Me and Reel Big Fish. The Monster was keeping me awake but didn't give me the energy boost it claimed. The t-shirts being sold were kind of disappointing. We sat around until it was finally time.

Reel Big Fish Time! We went over a couple minutes early to get good spots and a death metal band was playing on the adjacent stage. Billy said it best: "This music makes me feel sad." But then they were done and there was no more sadness. Because Reel Big Fish came out and played "I Want Your Girlfriend To Be My Girlfriend Too". There was a large pit which was a hybrid skank/mosh pit. I'd like to thank whoever invented skanking as it allows white people like me to comfortably dance. They covered the first verse of Metallica's "Enter Sandman", I think it was a small jab at the emo crowd that had dispersed a little for their show. They played to the crowd more than any other band, telling some jokes throwing out air fives, mocking Katy Perry, and other such things. They took requests and when the crowd overwhelmingly chanted for "Beer" they said it was beneath their artistic integriy. They held out for a minute then when they said "just kidding. This song is called Beer," everybody went nuts. They followed that with Take On Me and for those two songs there was only glory and frenzy. I was the final crowd surfer over and the lead singer gave me a thumbs up. All of that is true and it was perfect.

Cobra Starship followed Reel Big Fish as a double-header main event. I found Billy and sat down because I had no energy. I resembled Paris Hilton after RBF, drained, smelly, and covered in other men's sweat. The key difference being I hadn't died a little on the inside, I had done whatever the opposite of that is. We listened to Cobra, who performed really well and the fans were again going nuts. They still sound a little raw and I don't approve of the tight white pants they wore, but Cobra won me over. They, like almost every other band there, are better live than in studio.

Break and dinner.

The final show I wanted to see: 3Oh!3. My friend told me I had to see them and he's usually right so I took a flier. It's basically 2 white frat boys from Boulder who decided they wanted to start a techno/rap band. Then they hired a random black guy to dance and throw Monster on people and created a cool hand sign. That's a winning formula. The music was good but nowhere near as impressive as they energy they sent out. They simply got the crowd going nuts. They were a little short of Big Fish, but those 2 were well above everyone else as must-sees. If going you should also see Cobra Starship, Motion City Soundtrack, and Against Me. That way you get your fill of emo pop, punk, hip hop, and ska.

-----Random Change of Thought

I recommend to anyone feeling down that they build a blanket fort. I built a huge fort in my basement and it was very worthwhile. One feels very safe when in a blanket fort. You need chairs, large blankets, and some pillows for comfort.

Can the Bulls please sign Ben Gordon? Seriously, we look like the Hawks. He's gonna benefit more from Derrick Rose's drving presence as an outside shooter more than Deng is, and we already overpaid Deng. What's the holdup?

Boos directed in the direction of Brett Favre and the Packers. Brett wants to compete for the Packers QB job, they won't let him. The Packers want to trade him out of the division, he won't let them. Solution: throw money at the problem and offer Brett 25 million to stay retired. Way to make it look like this whole fiasco is about ego and money, not the game. UNACCEPTABLE.

You made it to the end of the article! You win!

Ken Griffey Jr.

The White Sox traded for legendary OF Ken Griffey Junior today, apparently under the impression that it is 1998, rather than 2008. The White Sox must also believe that he can play in the outfield still, because they already have a left-handed hitting DH in Jim Thome. One AL executive said “he can’t play”, here’s hoping maybe he can.

Deng signs

It looks like the Bulls finally re-signed Luol Deng today, we all knew the Bulls liked him but it’s about time. Deng will make around 70 million over 6 years, which is similar to the yearly salary he would have made had he accepted the 5 year, 57 million dollar offer last October.

Apparently, Jerry Reinsdorf led the negotiations to speed it up, which worries me. When John Paxson took the team over in 2004, the team was centered around Eddy Curry, Jamal Crawford, and Eddie Robinson. He quickly made a series of brilliant sign and trades, and drafted well. This team has been assembled by him, but this summer it seems like he’s been pushed away somewhat. He reportedly wanted to trade away Kirk Hinrich, but Reinsdorf said he would rather trade Ben Gordon, which seems more than likely now. Reinsdorf also pushed away Doug Collins, Paxson’s top choice to be the new head coach.

What does this mean for Ben Gordon? He seems to want the same money Deng is getting, but he’s unlikely to get it. He’s not an easy sign and trade, teams aren’t too high on small guards who can’t play defense. I think he accepts the tender offer and plays for the Bulls this season, then leaves next season. Or, he can go to Europe, which he has yet to rule out as a possibility. I can’t imagine he is very happy with the Bulls right now, I think we won’t be seeing too much of him in the next few years.

Dog Days

"It's so hot! Milk was a bad choice today!"
-Will Ferrell.

That's how I feel right now. It's hot, I'm lazy, and again haven't written in a while. Plus last time I got a compliment on my post (BWAH!?). I again returned to Indiana over the weekend and saw Step Brothers. I really enjoyed it, my friend complained it was retarded half the movie, then proceeded to laugh like crazy the last half hour. If you drop your expectations of anything remotely realistic, it's a hilarious movie. Don't bring your kids.

Do you care about the Olympics? I'm not sure I do. We have nothing to gain there. That said, US basketball better win. If we don't I'm going on official crusade to have the international rules of soccer completely changed to benefit America's soccer team. See how the rest of the world likes it when we #### with their sports.

I just witnessed Jay Mariotti calling the WNBA pillow fight a "full scale brawl". This is why no one respects Jay Mariotti.

I rip ESPN a lot, but I will give credit to Mike Wilbon on PTI. Met him at a Northwestern football game, he was a genuinely nice guy and a real sports fan. ESPN needs less blowhards and more shows like PTI.

Take the Peoria pitcher who beaned a fan to court. There are unwritten rules in sports fights, and one of the biggest ones is baseball's drop the bat and ball. You cannot bring those into a fight, it's not allowed. Too much damage can be done. Another big rule is that the fans be kept out of it. People should not fear a fight spilling over when they go to a ball game. I don't want to see the kid go to jail for a year, but he should receive a hefty fine and a year long suspension from major league baseball.

I'd like to see the White Sox get a back of the rotation starter before the deadline. Jose Contreras resembles a shoe in both facial appearance and pitching ability and Javier Vasquez cares too much about strikeouts to ever reach his potential. I call it a "Javi" when a pitcher gets ahead 0-2 in the count then throws 2 "please chase me" breaking balls and a high fastball to fill up the count. A walk usually ensues. Perhaps Brian Anderson plus a couple marginal prospects for Jarrod Washburn would work. Anderson's young, still has all the tools he had when he was a top prospect, and the Mariners would really appreciate someone eating Washburn's contract.

Manny Ramirez needs to calm the hell down. Your on a world series favorite, making obscene amounts of money, in a town that loves you, and in a solid clubhouse. If he doesn't someone should give him a complimentary prostate exam using their foot.

KFC's sauceless chicken wings were disappointing from start to finish.

Brett Favre should be allowed to compete for the Packers QB. I don't see how the Packers would be upset with that.

Women's deoderant commercials represent all things wrong with America. Try paying attention to Degree's "protection for every OMG moment" commercials or that other one where the women stops the cab then tells the guy she'd rather walk. I particularly dislike that woman.

Losing Posada really hurts the Yankees championship aspirations. World series winners tend to have good catchers and those that don't had dominating pitchers. I don't know how the 2002 Angels won, it would be like the Twins winning this year.

Why haven't Josh Smith, Emeka Okafor, Luol Deng, Ben Gordon, or Andre Iguodala been signed? This further proves how incompetent NBA GMs are.

Just once I would like to see a normal, somewhat intelligent bystander in a movie. One who notifies the police when they notice villains setting up for incredibly elaborate plots.

Remember kids, only you can keep down the number of polar bear attacks on the French. Please increase them. Good day.

Post 16

It's been a while since somebody has called me a stupid douche so that means it's time to write an article. Like the lyrics to Rihanna's songs, the things in this article are unrelated and may not even make sense. I'm just throwing things out there and hoping they sound good, which works well for her.

The WNBA fight was a complete joke. I happened to be flipping channels and caught the tail end of it and was in no way mortified when watching it. I coach a group of 9 year olds at a basketball day camp and that's the kind of fight I would have expected out of them. What the hell was the woman who threw Candace Parker doing? She looked like she was trying to shuffle over her, and I do mean shuffle because she never picked up her feet, and she got tackled. Then there was a little shoving and Lisa Leslie fell down. Did Mahorn give her a shove? Yeah, the kind of shove he would use to break up a pair of fighting 8-year olds. Then one of Leslie's teammates tooking a running punch at Mahorn and he didn't flinch. This is why no one respects the WNBA.

Brilliant move on Josh Childress's part. His signing on with a Greek team was not totally related to money, he's only getting a million more than the contract the Hawks were offering. It's not a 3-year contract either, he's opting out after this year. He's going to play a year in Greece for 7 million dollars, be worshipped there as the god of hair, and then return to the NBA as an unrestricted free agent. It was also an epic middle finger to Hawks management. Suckers got burned.

Speaking of burns, I enjoy USA's Burn Notice. Think House meets CSI: Miami. Kind of violent, sexy women, smart ass main character who's really good at what he does.

Say what you want about Ozzie Guillen, his outbursts tend to lead to positive results. His ejection in the 7th inning of today's game led to an 5 run 8th for the Sox and a comeback victory. It's the third or fourth time this year his outbursts have led to turnarounds.

I'm hoping to watch Cotto vs. Margarito this weekend. If it's half the disappointment De La Hoya/Mayweather was, I'm swearing off boxing.

Justin Timberlake hosted the ESPYs. I watched 5 minutes, felt less of a man for it, and turned on Iron Chef.

Don't look now, here come the Yankees. Not too hard to see them passing the Rays anymore and I'm glad that I went on record as not counting them out.

Professional sports should rule sub-.500 division winners out of the playoffs. The 3 best teams in the NL are in the Central division and I don't like that one of them will be golfing in October because the D'Backs won 80 games in baseball's worst division.

Josh Hamilton is the best pure baseball player I have ever seen. I witnessed his 430 foot bomb on Monday in person and I have been in a state of awe ever since.

The new Batman movie was fantastic, although I felt it could have benefitted from cutting out 20 minutes. I'm shocked nobody shot the Joker (no that isn't a spoiler). Wanted wasn't great but it was entertaining. It somehow managed to straddle the line between brilliant and completely retarded. Afterwards, I felt like somebody had just humped my brain.

Morgan Freeman should call the play-by-play for any important sporting event.

Like NBA's Summer League, this article was short, largely meaningless, and is now over.

NBA GM

NBA Free Agency has kicked off and so far I don't see any team making the leap. The 76ers signed Elton Brand to make them interesting in the East, but no better than the Cavs, Magic, or Pistons. They're still well behind the Celtics. The Clippers have a good starting five in Baron, Gordon, Thornton, Camby, and Kaman. It's going to be interesting to see the Rockets, Trail Blazers, Nuggets, and Clippers fight for the final 2 playoff spots out West. The Trail Blazers should get one of those spots with Aldridge, Oden, Roy, and Bayless, but they are also still very young and may fold under the pressure. The Rockets have T-Mac, the Nuggets have Iverson and Anthony, and the Clippers have the deepest starting 5. I would like the Rockets but who knows if T-Mac is sticking around?

Anyway, I was completely uninspired, as usual, by the moves made by NBA GMs. It is absolutley preposterous how bad the majority of these guys are at their jobs. So I decided to step in to John Paxson's shoes and come up with a game plan to build a winner.

Bulls plan:

1. Sign Luol Deng and Ben Gordon to qualifying offers. At this point, nobody has the cash to offer them significantly better money and they have little to no leverage. Unless the Warriors let Monta Ellis go, the Hawks let Josh Smith go, or the 76ers let Iguodala go, nobody can sign Deng or Gordon. And if one of those teams decides to spend their money on Deng or Gordon, fine. Take the RFA they passed on. As they stand, Gordon's qualifying offer is 6.4 million and Deng is being offered 4.4 million. I think it's funny that they passed on a combined 100 million dollars worth of contract and now will probably only get a combined 10.

2. It's time to make that splashy trade the Bulls have almost made for the last 5 years or so. They have 17 million in the expiring contracts of Deng, Gordon (qualifying offers are only 1 year), and Drew Gooden. They also have Hinrich and Noc who have sizable, but not unmovable, contracts. Then there are young guys like Noah, Sefolosha, and Thomas. That's too many assets not to make a deal. Here are the moves I would make if I were in John Paxson's shoes:

Bulls get: Derek Fisher, Lamar Odom, cash.
Lakers get: Kirk Hinrich, Andres Nocioni.

The Bulls get another scoring option, a good rebounder, and a guy who can play multiple position in Odom. Derek Fisher is a veteran presence and can tutor Derek Rose. The Bulls can go with a lot of different looks with Odom out on the floor and this tightens the rotation we have from 10 guys who need lots of minutes to 9. Doesn't sound like a lot but it is. The Lakers pull the trigger because they get a younger better PG who can defer to Kobe as well as the tough guy they desperately needed in the playoffs last year. Vujacic is annoying, not tough.

Bulls get: Carlos Boozer, Kyle Korver.
Jazz get: Rasheed Wallace, Ben Gordon, Luol Deng, Joakim Noah.
Pistons get: Andrei Kirilienko, Marvin Williams, Salim Stoudamire.
Hawks get: Tayshuan Prince, Jazz 1st round pick, Pistons lottery protected 1st round pick in 2010.

There is so much going on in this trade so let me post the teams' new rotations:

Bulls- PG: Rose/Fisher, SG: Korver/Hughes, SF: Odom/Sefolosha, PF: Thomas/Gooden, C: Boozer/Gray.
Jazz- PG: Williams/Price, SG: Gordon/Brewer, SF: Deng/Harpring, PF: Wallace/Milsap, Okur/Noah.
Pistons- PG: Billups/Hunter, SG: Hamilton/Stuckey, SF: Williams/Hayes, PF: Kirilenko/Maxiel, C: McDyess/Samb.
Hawks- PG: Bibby/Law, SG: Johnson/Childress, SF: Prince/Childress/Smith, PF: Smith/Horford, C: Horford/Pachulia.

Why they do it:

Bulls- Finally a low post presence. Size and a shooter at SG. A true PG. A SF who can score and play multiple positions. Thomas playing in a system that maximizes his potential. Combine with a multiple position, defense guy like Thabo, a good bench post player like Gooden, and a championship vet like Fisher and you have a contender. The Bulls become a tougher more athletic version of a Jazz team that reached the Western Finals and Western Semis the last 2 years, only they have a legitimate third scoring option in Odom.

Jazz- Boozer is leaving in a year and you aren't one one of the top 3 championship contenders. With this deal you get a young nucleus as well as Wallace who can replace some of Boozer's production. The team is really no worse off for next year and much better off for the future. This team can shoot from anywhere on the floor and has hard-nose guys like Brewer and Harpring off the bench. A would-be contender out East, they unfortunately play in the West. They're a playoff team with a young nucleus and lots of cap flexibilty for the next few years.

Pistons- Time to blow this thing up. They just aren't a real championship team anymore. Wallace really was not prodcing at the level of a super-star (13 and 6), so getting a talent like Marvin Williams back is a big plus. If you don't plan on going for a title, there really isn't much of a reason to have Tayshaun Prince around. He's a glue and defense guy who can hit the open shot, but you wouldn't want him as your scoring option. Kirilenko can replace Sheed's numbers and may find a bit of a revival out East. They don't have a center, but they didn't before the deal.

Hawks- Williams is a good player but this team would have all the pieces for a championship. Prince is the lock-down defender and glue guy. Johnson is the elite scorer. Smith can change a game with his athleticism. Horford is a low post presence. Solid point play. Law, Childress, and Pachulia are solid off the bench. The team has a clear 8 man playoff rotation that Mike Woodson can't screw up. They also get late first round picks the next 2 years which they can package to move up.

Compare these Bulls to the world champion Celtics:
-The Bulls have a significantly superior PG.
-They have a poor man's version of Ray Allen. And next year, he may not even be that much poorer of a version.
-They get beat bad at SF. Odom played poorly in the Finals, while Pierce was excellent. Odom would again be the third option on the team, but I think the Bulls have a better low post presence, a strong perimeter threat in Kyle Korver, and a ballhandler who makes his teammates better. Kobe is a dominant scorer but he does not make his teammates any better.
- Garnett vs. Boozer in the post would be a great matchup. The Bulls would likely put Boozer on Garnett on the defensive end only because Thomas is too small to guard Garnett.
- Perkins has the polish, Tyrus has the energy. They don't play similarly but they benefit their teams about equally. I think with significant minutes and a good coaching system, Tyrus could become like Kenyon Martin circo '03-'04. That year K-Mart average 17 and 9.
-The current benches are about equal.

Not a bad matchup, eh? And before you say it won't happen, it's not my job to make it happen. It's my job to write moderately interesting sports related articles. Also, your probably right.

Wish List

CBS losing Billy Packer has me in a fantastic mood. Not as happy as had they promoted Gus Johnson to call the Final Four, I nearly lost control over my bodily functions during his call of Ohio State vs. Xavier 2 years ago, but still happy. It also got me thinking about other things I would like to see:

1. I want a jousting tournament at the Olympics. You select some people from all different events and you have them run at each other with modified javelins. Can you honestly tell me that you are uninterested in seeing Tyson Gay throwdown with Lithuania's top female weight-lifter? It's a classic matchup with speed vs. brawn and the gold is on the line.

2. Home announcers for every game. I like Hawk and DJ calling my White Sox games, and I understand that plenty of Cubs fans hate the two. Fine. Easy solution to remedy, each team brings their own announcers to a game and the game is simulcast on the same channel. Or in the case of Sox/Cubs on WGN and Comcast. It's not fair that in a big game or playoff game you have to listen to Joe Morgan, Joe Buck, Jon Lester, or Tim McCarver. There is only one great baseball announcer, Vin Sculley, and until he starts calling national games, I at least want guys on my side calling the game.

3. I want Matthew McConaughy to fly his plane into a mountain and I want Justin Timberlake to be on it. I don't understand why JT became a respected member of our society. He was part of the worst music phenomenon in the history of sound, is incompetent as an actor, and public undressed a woman. How Janet Jackson get blamed for the Super Bowl fiasco when it was Justin who ripped her booby armor off? I defy any man reading this to go out, rip a woman's shirt off, and have the audacity to blame her because she had nothing else on. Just don't be surprised when I don't bail you out of prison.

4. I want a penalty for "Action against the spirit of the game." This goes out to anything that while technically legal, would get you punched in the face on a playground. This includes: the Spurs playoff Hack-A-Shaq strategy, Wisconsin's players intentionally runnnig off sides on a kickoff in order to drain the clock 2 years ago, the intentional walk, and all things Terrell Owens. The penalties that would solve the aforementioned situations (in order): 2 free throws and the ball, a 15 yard penalty and no time run off the clock, runners on advancing an additional base as if the pitcher balked, and a swift kick to the back of the head.

5. I want Conference Showdowns in college football. It doesn't look like we'll be getting a playoff because college football makes too much money off non-games like the Peach Bowl. I whole-heartedly believe you can have an 8 team playoff and still have a bunch of other bowls because it's not like you'd be taking any of the meaning away from those bowls. Who cares who won the Alamo Bowl? But you've heard enough whining about a playoff, so here's something that's also fantastic: Conference Showdown. 2 Conferences, 2 games a team, and no more debates over whether it was tougher to be in the Pac-10 or Big 12. Each team plays one of the better teams in the conference and one of the lower teams in the conference. So next year we have the Big 12 vs. ACC, Pac-10 vs. Big East, and Big 10 vs. SEC. Each week would feature the top teams going at it. In one week you might see Ohio State/Florida, Michigan/Auburn, Wisconsin/Florida, Illinois/Tennessee, and Iowa/Georgia. The next week Texas/Virginia Tech, Oklahoma/Boston College, Florida State/Nebraska, Miami/Texas A&M, and triple-option Georgia Tech/ fun-n-gun Texas Tech. This would then be followed by West Virginia/USC and a left-over good matchups from the other two showdowns.

How's that for your typical blog? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?!?!?!

No More Billy Packer

Billy Packer is no longer with CBS, who will be replaced by studio analyst Clark Kellogg. Not sure if Kellogg will be the best final four announcer, but we can finally unmute our TVs next year.

Stephen A. Smith is Still Angry

Earlier today on the front page of ESPN.com, ESPN’s personalities analyze the Brett Favre situation. Pieces include a Gene Wojciechowski interview and a video of John Clayton. Also included is a headline titled “Watch: Stephen A. is Angry”. We already knew that, thanks. I encourage you to watch the video on ESPN, and watch how S.A.S. attempts to control himself at first, and fails.

Links and Music

I didn't pick the greatest tim to start a blog. It's one of the two major dead periods in sports, the first two weeks of February being the other, and there really isn't much to write about. That's why you see things like the Favre category on ESPN's bottomline or headlines like "Obama interested in Nascar sponsorship". Frankly it's the most brilliant political move I've seen in years. That's how a democrat reaches the redneck audience, with his face on Dale Jr.'s number 88. Anyway, this post doesn't really have a topic, it's got links, music I like, and really no sports relation. Looking back at that paragraph, I'm amazed that I got off-topic in a post that has no topic. Be impressed.

Links:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1761896
Powerthirst, the greatest energy drink ever and possibly my favorite video ever.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=URjeS5-NaXY
The final scene from There Will Be Blood. Dramatic in context, hilarious out of context. I've taken to yelling "I DRINK YOU MILKSHAKE!" after dramatic sports moments. Very satisfying.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zy4zgCsgqyo
Mad TV spoof of Dane Cook. I think any one of my friends does a better impression, but kudos to Mad on coming up with the material. No if only they had a funny person to act it out.
http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/8331492
Jason Whitlock's latest article. I love the first line even if the rest is uninteresting.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhmahD_EbHY
Dmitri Martin who, along with Daniel Tosh, is my favorite comedian.
I tried to find a clip from a Cold Pizza I saw where Stephen A Smith stares at Skip Bayless like he's about to kill him and they quickly cut to commercial, but no such thing could be found.

Music-
I'm going through artists A-Z with songs that I like that you may not have. Name drop these songs and you will sound interesting to all who listen. Thank me later.
Alkaline Trio- "Help Me" If you like this one I also recommend "Calling All Skeletons".
Ben Folds Five- "Brick" These guys also did a cool cover of Dr. Dre's "Bitches Ain't S#!T".
Coldplay- "Violet Hill" Couldn't find a C I loved so I went with one of Coldplay's new ones. I think they're overrated (they may actually have a chance at being the defining band of this decade which terrifies me) but credit is due.
Dilated Peoples and Kanye West- "This Way" I love Kanye. His albums are great and he's kind of crazy. I'd like to see him team up with Diddy to try and resurrect Britney Spears. Remember I said that when MTV steals the idea this winter.
Eve 6- "Inside Out"
Foo Fighters- "Best of You" I know you have this song but pretend Sean Connery is singing. It's now a fantastic new song.
Gin Blossoms- "Hey Jealousy"
High Speed Scene- "The IROC-Z Song" This is off MVP 2005, the greatest baseball game ever made. I was sad to see the MVP franchise get liscensed out.
Incubus- "Nice to Know You" I think Incubus is underrated, they're one of those bands that XM loves but you'll never hear on regular radio.
Jimmy Eat World- "Sweetness"
K- I don't have anything that fits the somewhat unknown bill from a K artist. Yeah there's Kanye and the Killers, but you know them.
Less Than Jake- "The Science of Selling Yourself Short" It's skaa. Listening to skaa=interesting person.
Lucky Boys Confusion- "When Bad News Gets Worse" A second L to make up for no K.
Muse- "Knights of Cydonia" A Guitar Hero favorite.
Nine Days- "Story of a Girl"
Offspring- "Self Esteem" Noticing a lot of 90's music on here?
P- Same deal as K. I will shout out to anything Pink Floyd though.
Q- Nope
Reel Big Fish- "Our Live Album is Better Than Your Live Album" Skaa is happiness.
Streetlight Manifesto- "Everything Goes Numb" Great name for a band and a great album.
Savage- "Swing" To make up for no P.
Shinedown- "Heroes" To make up for no Q.
Third Eye Blind- "Third Eye Blind" Another album worth getting.
U- I can only find U2 and Usher. I am ashamed of the Usher part.
Verve- "Freshman" It's kind of depressing but whatever.
Warren Zevon- "Keep Me In Your Heart" Zevon wrote this after being given 6 months to live. Powerful but not sad.
X- Nothing. I refuse to recognize Xzibit.
Yellowcard- "Fighting" Off the Madden soundtrack.
Z-Again nothing. Way to go out with a bang. This articleis over. Unsatisfied? Me too.