Late Night Rants

It's late and I was up until 5 in the morning with my friend in New York yesterday, so now seemed like the perfect time to write. I'm pretty sure that a lot of the greatest pieces of writing were written by authors that were sleep deprived or intoxicated, in one way or another they were not in a perfect mental state. My thoughts on all the important things that happened, and some that may not have happened, over the past couple of days are as follows:

Watching the US Swim team get Michael Phelps his eighth gold was worth leaving Soho early. I felt like going out and destroying communism, only to learn that there are only 1 or 2 real communist states left because communism doesn't work. Yet I still see a bunch of hipster punks handing out communist fliers claiming to know better than you. The aforementioned people should be rounded up and sent Antarctica. Let's see if polar bears tolerate their shennanigans.

Speaking of polar bears, you know that WWF commercial where they show a bunch of cute endangered polar bears on some floating ice in order to get you to send them money? They should show a polar bear taking down a small whale, which they do, and literally biting its face off. I feel that's a more accurate representation of the mighty polar bear and I would definitely feel like I owed them money after seeing something that amazing.

While up from 2 to 4 last night I watched the second Harold and Kumar movie. It was the first thing I had ever seen during that time period that wasn't funny. Seriously, everything is fantastic from 2 to 4 in the morning and that movie still sucked. Don't see it.

However, you should see Pineapple Express. I put it on the overrated side of a column a week ago, was ready for a letdown, and loved that movie. I consider myself a fairly tough movie guy, but Pineapple Express was genuinely excellent.

Everytime I fly, the airline seats me next to someone with gray hair and a moustache. Sometimes it's a man, sometimes it's a woman, but I never get sat next to someone withing 30 years of me. Frankly, I'd like to sit next to an attractive girl.

I got to try some kobe beef this weekend, because I wasn't paying for the meal, and it is noticeably tastier. It was only a slider, not a whole steak or anything, but it tasted like happiness and children's laughter. I recommend trying it once in your life, especially if someone else is paying.

I don't remember who or where, but someone described ESPN as standing for the Eastern Seaboard Programming Network. I liked that, very accurate.

For summer reading I came across a graduation speech given by Conan O'Brien. I found it amusing, I laughed out loud, and I may even have been inspired. I don't know what inspiration feels like so it could have been something else, I don't care because that's not what cool people do. Anyway here's a link. http://painstakinglydrafted.wordpress.com/2007/05/02/conan-obriens-graduation-speech/

You know how I said that Michael Phelps should tea bag his opponents after crushing them? Well Usain Bolt came about as close as you really can when he started taunting everyone in the 100 meter dash finals with a third of the race left, and still set a world record. I was amazed by both his speed and lack of sportsmanship.

What do you think Phelps should do with his 8 gold medals? I think he should have them made into the most bitchingest menorah ever. One for each night. Wearing them all when he goes out in public would be cool, too.

Guess who currently has more medals, Canada or Kazakhstan? If you guessed Kazakhstan, grab yourself a gold star.

Madden 09 is sweet, although I don't love the computer IQ thing. If someone could tell me how to defend that play on the IQ where both receivers run button hooks, that would be great.

I'm going to come back to this in the morning and see if it makes any sense. If it does, I'll edit it until it doesn't. Until then, I'm off to destroy the Kraken.