Stephen Colbert, one of my personal favorites and the greatest American satirist since Mark Twain, just got put into the Smithsonian's National Treasure sections. His show is currently the only funny television show on the air. I'm not sure you can debate not putting him in the National Treasure exhibit.
I'm not particularly political, although at this time of year it's hard to ignore the presidential election. This blog officially endorses any candidate not running with Sarah Palin. How insulting to intelligent people everywhere would it be if that uneducated retard who barely graduated high school and community college somehow becomes an influential figure outside of Alaska? You want to run your hick state into the ground? Cool, I don't live there. Which reminds me, why did we fight to keep the red states in the Civil War? I defy any reader to name five good things that came out of the South.
There is only one person I respect less than Sarah Palin on an intellectual level. That man is Brad Childress, who repeatedly attempted squib and pop up kicks in the Bears game to set them up at the 40-45 yard line every possession. I understand fearing Devin Hester, for he is a fearsome man, but to give up 15-20 yards on every kick to eliminate the 5% chance (4 TDs in 79 returns) that Hester breaks one shows a complete lack of basic intelligence. The squib kick is the dumbest play in football unless the play is the last one in the game. Any team down with 15 seconds to go will gladly trade the slim chance of returning a kick for 15 free yards, especially when they aren't really sacrificing any clock to get those yards.
Rays look like they are 4 games away from a World Series title. Brett Myers and Jamie Moyer will get shelled, Shields will outpitch Hamels, and the Phillies home run style (similar to that of the White Sox) does not translate well to the dome. Plus the NL is so much worse than the AL that I doubt any NL playoff team would have won more than one game in a playoff series in the AL.
The Rays are a World Series favorite, Kyle Orton is a good quarterback, Herm Edwards still hasn't been banned from the NFL, and Lou Holtz still has a job after comparing Rich Rodriguez to Hitler. Weird year for sports. But seriously, Lou Holtz is a pathetic old man who needs to be as far away from any sort of camera as possible.
The Bears will take the division. They beat the Vikes without a secondary, the offense looks entirely acceptable, and the defense forces turnovers and stops teams for scoring touchdowns. Also the team isn't entirely dysfunctional, a large advantage in a league where most teams are comically dysfunctional. For example, one team has multiple convicted criminals and just sold their future to upgrade at receiver (they have one of the most potent passing games in the league) in order to please an egomaniacal psychopath who is rarely seen wearing a shirt.
Guitar Hero 4 is just Rock Band. Interestingly, they are produced by the same people. There is no way you can justify purchasing that game. I do however give credit to the people for trying to sell the same game twice. That's the kind of weasely entrepeneurship that makes America the best country in the water. God bless this country and good night.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
End Of An Era
I gave South Park and Family Guy a lot of rope over the last few years and they both finally hung themselves with this year's season openers. You have to be kidding me, I would be embarrassed to write such pieces of shit. I will not be watching any new episodes of either, don't talk to me about them. In case you missed you missed the season opener of Family Guy, it went something like this: Peter Griffin yelling some shitty song from the 1960's for 20 minutes because the writers of Family Guy have the IQ of an 8 year old (for some reason this is socially acceptable to say but retarded is not, even though being 40 with the IQ of an 8 year old is the definition of being mentally retarded. Never understood this). I was doing homework at the time, so I just quickly hit the mute button because I didn't care enough to change the channel. And you know what? The show was so loud and obnoxious that I COULD HEAR IT DESPITE TV BEING MUTED. I have never seen anything like it. It was at that point that I turned the TV off and decided I'm going to burn the family guy offices to the ground. South Park's latest episode was about one third Erik Cartman talking about "shooting people in the dick" and some of the most incredibly gratuitous bro-rape scenes of all time. It was at that point that I turned off the TV and decided I'm going to burn South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker to the ground. Thanks for Baseketball and the first couple of seasons, I'll see you in hell. When you see that guy on TV arrested for arson and murder targeting popular television show creators, the one with absolutely no regrets whatsoever, that's me.
Why is Tim McCarver ripping Manny Ramirez now? Seriously Tim, this whole ordeal happened months ago. I know your a bit old and a bit (understatement) slow, but get on the ball.
I saw an Oklahoma football player get flagged for a personal foul late hit when he was holding up Texas QB Colt McCoy. Seriously McCoy was trying to flop to the ground and the Oklahoma player was holding him up and got called for a penalty because it was on the Texas sideline. New rule: you can't get flagged for a late hit on the opponents' sideline. Wanna know why? Because nobody is so stupid as to go right into the middle of the opposing team and cheap shot one of their players. And if there ever were somebody this stupid, the other team would beat his ass so furiously and so quickly that it never happened again.
I give up on this Michigan team. Coach Rodriguez is clearly far more concerned with installing his offense than winning games and it's evident because each game looks like a practice. It doesn't matter who wins and loses, let's just hand out gold stars to the guys who got better. We may be very good in two years because of this mentality, but it's causing some embarrassing moments this year because you can't run the spread option offense without a running quarterback. These seems like a valid time to point out I've been screaming for the wildcat formation (the one where a running back takes a direct snap and acts as qb, making the play 11 on 11) for 2 weeks now.
White Sox bowed out of the playoffs, they were really just happy to be there. I'm kinda excited for next year because they have a strong core built around Quentin, Ramirez, Dye, Pierzynski (so valuable to this team), and hopefully the Konerko who hit 9 HRs in the final month of the season. The pitching staff has Buerhle, Danks, Floyd, and Vasquez returning, and I think Danks may be ready to step up and be an ace. They also can resign Orlando Cabrera, Bobby Jenks, and hope Nick Swisher returns to being a .270 hitter with a .380 OBP.
I would be remiss if I didn't point out that I called Soriano's season ending 3 pitch strikeout on a curveball in the dirt. Ok, so half of the world predicted that. They're in good shape for next season too though, assuming Zambrano returns to form and Dempster doesn't have a huge regression. They just need to find a real shortstop, move Theriot to second, and platoon DeRosa/ Fukudome/ Free Agent X in right and centerfield. They will be well served by picking up a shortstop and centerfielder who are real spark plugs because no hitter on that team currently fills that role.
The NBA kicks off and the Bulls have 11 men on their roster who need minutes. That is too many men for those of you who don't know. In a related story, watching Kirk Hinrich try to guard Josh Howard/ Jerry Stackhouse was hilarious. They ran right by him like he was a hungover college kid at an intramural game.
OJ is still playing the race card. Listen OJ, you performed an armed raid a Vegas hotel. I don't know what else to tell you, you really can't get away with that. There were cameras and everything.
I've been without internet the past couple of days, it was awful. Seriously, what did people do before 1995? Is this why we had a Cold War? Because there was nothing better to do?
Why is Tim McCarver ripping Manny Ramirez now? Seriously Tim, this whole ordeal happened months ago. I know your a bit old and a bit (understatement) slow, but get on the ball.
I saw an Oklahoma football player get flagged for a personal foul late hit when he was holding up Texas QB Colt McCoy. Seriously McCoy was trying to flop to the ground and the Oklahoma player was holding him up and got called for a penalty because it was on the Texas sideline. New rule: you can't get flagged for a late hit on the opponents' sideline. Wanna know why? Because nobody is so stupid as to go right into the middle of the opposing team and cheap shot one of their players. And if there ever were somebody this stupid, the other team would beat his ass so furiously and so quickly that it never happened again.
I give up on this Michigan team. Coach Rodriguez is clearly far more concerned with installing his offense than winning games and it's evident because each game looks like a practice. It doesn't matter who wins and loses, let's just hand out gold stars to the guys who got better. We may be very good in two years because of this mentality, but it's causing some embarrassing moments this year because you can't run the spread option offense without a running quarterback. These seems like a valid time to point out I've been screaming for the wildcat formation (the one where a running back takes a direct snap and acts as qb, making the play 11 on 11) for 2 weeks now.
White Sox bowed out of the playoffs, they were really just happy to be there. I'm kinda excited for next year because they have a strong core built around Quentin, Ramirez, Dye, Pierzynski (so valuable to this team), and hopefully the Konerko who hit 9 HRs in the final month of the season. The pitching staff has Buerhle, Danks, Floyd, and Vasquez returning, and I think Danks may be ready to step up and be an ace. They also can resign Orlando Cabrera, Bobby Jenks, and hope Nick Swisher returns to being a .270 hitter with a .380 OBP.
I would be remiss if I didn't point out that I called Soriano's season ending 3 pitch strikeout on a curveball in the dirt. Ok, so half of the world predicted that. They're in good shape for next season too though, assuming Zambrano returns to form and Dempster doesn't have a huge regression. They just need to find a real shortstop, move Theriot to second, and platoon DeRosa/ Fukudome/ Free Agent X in right and centerfield. They will be well served by picking up a shortstop and centerfielder who are real spark plugs because no hitter on that team currently fills that role.
The NBA kicks off and the Bulls have 11 men on their roster who need minutes. That is too many men for those of you who don't know. In a related story, watching Kirk Hinrich try to guard Josh Howard/ Jerry Stackhouse was hilarious. They ran right by him like he was a hungover college kid at an intramural game.
OJ is still playing the race card. Listen OJ, you performed an armed raid a Vegas hotel. I don't know what else to tell you, you really can't get away with that. There were cameras and everything.
I've been without internet the past couple of days, it was awful. Seriously, what did people do before 1995? Is this why we had a Cold War? Because there was nothing better to do?
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