Recently I discovered that ESPN's Mark Schlabach does chats. He has long been one of my absolute least favorite writers of all time, but I wasn't sure if he warranted space in here with his generally inane but not outrageous articles. Then the good lord brought this to my attention:
Mark Schlabach (2:03 PM)
OK, thanks for joining the chat again this week. Hope your teams won over the weekend. Here we go...
My man parts are all a-tingle.
Bob (Atlanta)
Mark,I think Barkley and Pryor got way too much attention. It is almost as though the media has the story written before a pass is thrown. Both looked very average Saturday night and I doubt if Barkley has the arm strength to ever be a star.Forcier on the other hand.....thoughts?
Mark Schlabach (2:03 PM)
I thought Forcier played the best among the QBs you mentioned. Playing Notre Dame's defense -- and not USC and Ohio State -- might have had something to do with it. But I think all three QBs will be great. But I agree that Barkley got maybe too much attention. But it was a great drive and he's the USC QB.
It's like he's arguing with himself when he starts three consecutive sentences with "but". We may have a new contender in the realm of ESPN analysts who fucking hate grammar.
Dan (Washington, DC)
What do you think the keys are for the Virginia Tech, Nebraska game and who do you think prevails?
Mark Schlabach (2:04 PM)
I was at the game in Lincoln last year. Nebraska has to do a better job of containing Tyrod Taylor. They have to force him to throw the ball and shut down Ryan Williams and David Wilson.
Well he answered half of the question, the key for Nebraska is to keep Tyrod Taylor in the pocket and make him throw. "I was in Nebraska last year" however does not qualify as an answer to the question "Who do you think will win?".
JStew (Muskegon, MI)
After UM's big win over ND what is in store for the Blue from hear on out? Originally most would have thgout 8-4 would be great 7-5 good, maybe even better than that? ND could end up going down if they lose to State this weekend, loook out.
Mark Schlabach (2:07 PM)
I'm not sure we still know how good Michigan (or Notre Dame is this year), other than they're both better than last year. Michigan has two more cupcakes, although Indiana is 2-0, and then tough back-to-back road games at Michigan State and Iowa. I still think 8-4 or 7-5 is a great improvement over 3-9.
Question is "How do you think Michigan will perform the rest of the season?". Answer: I don't know, list next four games without making any sort of prediction or thought, 8 wins is more than 3 wins. Also, no mention of where Notre Dame could go if they had lost to MSU this weekend.
Jerry (Metairie, LA)
It is entirely possible that LSU will be 5-0 when they play Florida at home on a Saturday night. Think the Tigers have a chance to win this one and upset Florida?
Mark Schlabach (2:11 PM)
I think LSU needs to get a lot better on offense. That should be the Tigers' first priority. They just seem to be missing something right now. Jefferson completed a lot of passes vs. Vandy, but didn't have a lot of yards. Scott didn't run the ball well, but Williams did. They just don't look really explosive. Need to get Holliday and Sheppard more involved.
Totally just pulled up a box score and summed it up for this answer. Why were the passes going for short yardage? Is it because Vanderbilt was playing their safeties deep and were content to give up short consistent yards in the hopes of avoiding a big play? Is Scott or Williams the better running back? I have no idea why he's talking about getting Holliday more involved, he's their third running back and fourth WR. There is a "Sheppard" on the team, but Kelvin Sheppard is a LB. I assume he means freshman speedster QB Russell Shepard, who is probably as involved in the offense as a backup QB with lots of talent but doesn't know the offense should be.
Kevin (Atlanta)
I know you have Gators and Horns in the BCS Championship...and perhaps rightfully so...but based solely on first 2 weeks...who are the teams that are performing best?
Mark Schlabach (2:12 PM)
It's hard to say because Florida and Texas really haven't played anybody. Based on the first two weeks, I'd say those teams, along with USC, Alabama and Penn State. At least USC and Bama have beaten legitimate opponents to date.
That wasn't analysis, that was naming the teams that could go undefeated in the 4 major conferences (no ACC and Big East, you do not count). Penn State has looked pretty damn mediocre in the first two weeks and can't find an effective running game. USC needed a last minute drive to beat a team that didn't score a touchdown, at some point that offense will fail them. Bama looked good against VT, then had a letdown. BYU deserves mention as a contender if they go undefeated.
Ben (Los Angeles, CA)
Do you think Urban Meyer will earn himself a nick name of sorts if he displays a similar no mercy attack on Tenn this weekend reminiscent of the Georgia game last year? if so what would the nick name be?
Mark Schlabach (2:12 PM)
Hmmm. Let me think about that one.
I'm going to put the odds that Mark returns to this thought at eleventy-billion to negative five. But if we're coming up with nickname for Urbie, how about Weasel-face? Any objections to Weasel-face? Because his face looks like that of a weasel.
Xander (Philly)
Do you the Buckeyes continuing to play hard and reach the Rose Bowl or will they implode?
Mark Schlabach (2:13 PM)
They have to beat Penn State. Do that and they'll play in the Rose Bowl.
This was the preseason conception of the Big Ten. I would say Michigan looks like they could beat them in the Big House and there's always that trip up game that every team has.
Matt (Philadelphia)
Is the GT-Miami Thursday nighter the game of the week?
Mark Schlabach (2:16 PM)
If it's like the last two ACC games I've attended (Miami-FSU
That would be one game you've attended, if you named one more game it would be two.
joe (charleston)
mark, what do you think about weis' play calling at the end of the UM game? i mean, i want to fault the guy for not running out the clock, but if that long pass wouldve been a completion, it'd be ball game right there.
Mark Schlabach (2:18 PM)
If they make the first down, he's a genius. They didn't so he's a goat. I would have run the ball to force Michigan to burn some timeouts, but he was there and had a better feel for the game. Tough loss.
Don't take that cop out, the offensive genius should be positively ripped for his decision not to run. Armando Allen is averaging about 73 yards per carry up until that point, why not give him the ball and see if he can get the first? At least Michigan burns their timeouts. If Weis's brain were half as big as his fupa he would have run the ball.
Jeff (Pennsylvania)
West Virginia @ Auburn.... Any thoughts?
Mark Schlabach (2:18 PM)
West Virginia played much better against East Carolina after a so-so opener against Liberty. Auburn might be the most surprising team in the country right now. Putting up huge numbers on offense after being so bad last year. Gus Mahlzahn has done a great job so far.
Mark Schlabach: My thoughts are that both teams are good and both could win and both want to win.
Steven (Denver)
The competition looks a little too stacked this year, but what are Case Keenum's chances for Heisman next year?
Mark Schlabach (2:23 PM)
Definitely a darkhorse, but I'd say he faces pretty long odds. Seems to be a race between Tebow and McCoy, with Jahvid Best and a couple of other players, including Keenum, in the picture. It's early, though.
The question was about next year, when Best, Tebow, and McCoy will be playing in the NFL. Check that, Best will be playing while McCoy and Tebow sit on the sidelines.
kc (phoenix)
What have you learned about the Pac 10 so far?
Mark Schlabach (2:24 PM)
My opinion is Cal has a good chance to knock off USC. But it's just an opinion...
We know it's just an opinion, we came to this chat to get your opinion you blithering ninny. Actually, I came to this chat to destroy you and the things you stand for. But the others came here for your opinion.
Charlie (New York)
MWC the #7 conference? Really? How can you possible justify that?
Mark Schlabach (2:25 PM)
Probably should have had them sixth, but I thought ACC had better teams at the top
The ACC does have better teams at the top, but I'm pretty sure the Mountain West has better teams than the Big East. What was fucking absurd was the following week, Schlabach ranked the Mountain West fourth. FOURTH! In 3 weeks, this conference has pulled out 9 wins against FBS opponents and only one win against a top 25 team. That team was Oklahoma, playing without their two best offensive players. Otherwise they've beat Virginia (lost to William and Mary), Tulane (one of the top 5 worst teams), San Jose State (top 15 worst teams), Nevada (meh, they're ok)m Utah State (won 6 games in 3 years), Hawaii (needed a last minute TD to beat Central Arkansas), Colorado (Blown out by Toledo), and New Mexico (which is in the conference and terrible). Meanwhile the Big 10 has beat 20 FBS opponent and the ACC has beaten 12 (one of whom was BYU, who got absolutely stomped at home by FSU). I'm submitting this article to ESPN's Ombudsman as to why Mark Schlabach should not only be let go, but placed into some sort of institution where his outrageous opinions can not infuriate the general population.
Matt (San Diego)
How do you expect Zac Lee to play on his first road start in Blacksburg for the NU-VT game? He's looked outstanding against two lesser teams. Thoughts?
Mark Schlabach (2:31 PM)
Having been to quite a few games at Lane Stadium in Blacksburg, it's one of the loudest settings you'll ever see. Isn't the biggest stadium in the country, but there's a lot of noise and the field is very close to the stands. It will be a challenge.
Yes Mark, we know it will be a challenge. That is why the question was asked. Do you think Zac Lee is up to the challenge or not?
Bruce (Philadelphia)
After suspect officiating in the Big House on Saturday, how can Michigan still be able to dictate that a Big Ten crew does there home games. If a Big East crew was assigned to that game the outcome would have been very different.
Mark Schlabach (2:33 PM)
I believe the road team decides where the officials come from. I might be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that's how it works.
1. Blaming the officials in a game that you clearly blew is stupid.
2. The officials got all of the controversial calls right. Here is indisputable evidence that Armando Allen stepped out. Scroll back through the video history to page 6. The announcer tries to make the argument that because the refs didn't have this angle, that the call shouldn't have been overturned. This is a fucking ridiculous argument, you want them to make the right call. Period.
3. Two seconds ran off the clock on the kick because the returner tipped the ball.
4. They have Big East officials at Notre Dame when Michigan plays there, so I'm sure the home team picking the refs is somewhere in the contract.
5. Go fuck yourself Bruce from Philadelphia.
Brett (Scranton PA)
I have season tickets and the running game has been less than impressive against Akron and Syracuse. That said, Darryl Clark has looked extremely sharp passing. His location and timing have both been phenomenal. Do you see him potentially working his way up draft boards and maybe looking at a 3rd round selection? Or will he be like Michael Robinson and switch to tailback?
Mark Schlabach (2:34 PM)
Clark has been very impressive. But remember: It came against Akron and Syracuse. The Orange are better under Doug Marrone, but it's still Syracuse. But what Clark has done is difficult to do against air in practice.
"But what Clark has done is difficult to do against air in practice." What does that even mean? Did Mr. Miyagi type this after going on a bender?
Bruce (Philadelphia)
You didn't answer the question.....How can Michigan dictate who does their games. They are the only team in the nation that does this.
Mark Schlabach (2:35 PM)
I don't think that's the case, unless it's specific to its contract with Notre Dame. If that were the case, I'm sure Notre Dame decided which league provides officials for its home games vs. Michigan.
1. This is a patently false statement, Michigan absolutely does not dictate who officiates their games. There is no conspiracy.
2. I can't believe I'm siding with Mark Schlabach on an issue.
3. Who let Bruce back in this chat?
John (Lubbock TX)
Looking at Texas Tech's Schedule, they play 6 ranked (read: curently) teams, 4 of which are away. Of course, I am biased towards anything Texas Tech. Objectively, Who do you think has the hardest forseeable schedule in College football?
Mark Schlabach (2:36 PM)
And only one FCS opponent this year. We'll see if the Big 12 gets better. Not looking great right now, outside of Texas. We'll find out how good the Red Raiders are this weekend.
The question was "Who has the hardest schedule in college football?". The answer was "We'll see how good the Big 12 and Texas Tech are". It's like he's a politician dancing around a particularly difficult question, only the questions aren't difficult.
Tucker (Orlando, FL)
Bruce, UF refused to play UMiami last year unless an SEC Crew officiated the game in Gainesville.
Mark Schlabach (2:37 PM)
there you go....
Dear Bruce, are you fucking yourself yet? You should be.
Matt (Santa Rosa, CA)
Can you explain rankings to me? How can a team like Oklahoma State lose at home to an unranked team and remain ranked? While a team like the University of Oregon lost to a ranked team on the road an drop from the rankings.
Mark Schlabach (2:38 PM)
Pokes beat a ranked team to start the season. And they have top-10 talent on offense.
The rankings can not be explained, they are arbitrary and stupid. Because people like Mark Schlabach help decide them.
Mike (DC)
Charlie Weis said in his presser yesterday that in ND's contract with Michigan, Michigan mandated that B10 refs be used for their home games and ND will use BE refs in the games in South Bend. Charlie stated it was the only series contract he has done where the other school has requested to use it's conference refs at home.
Mark Schlabach (2:39 PM)
There you go....
How about now Bruce from Philly? Can you go fuck yourself now? Good.
DJ (Phila)
Mark--I think it was the agreement between the schools that allowed Michigan to choose Big 10 officials to do the game...that being said, please comment on the QUALITY (or lack thereof) of the officiating...I felt a # of significant mistakes were made...your comments, please, and thanks.
Mark Schlabach (2:40 PM)
Saw some mistakes. From the officials and the coaches.
Judging by the grammatical errors and use of ellipses instead of periods, I would wager DJ from Phila and Bruce from Philadelphia are the same jackass-y person.
MIke (J-Ville)
Mark, come on, answer my question. Do my Noles have a good shot at the upset in Provo? How do you see the game shaking out?
Mark Schlabach (2:53 PM)
I would expect them to play much better than they did against Jax. State. My concern with FSU right now is its inability to run the football. Expected a lot more from the O-line.
Mike's plead to have Mark actually answer his question fell upon deaf ears.
matthew (murfreesboro)
IF Tennessee had a QB that could just manage the game and not turn the ball over so much, do you think they are top 15 team? I feel like we have a ton of talent but we are very weak at the position that matters most
Mark Schlabach (2:56 PM)
Not very good at QB. Crompton still seems flustered too easily.
Really? This is as much of a soft toss as you get, but Mark just restates that Crompton sucks. We all know he sucks and even if we didn't, it's in the question.
Jeff (Flagstaff)
Mark - why are you once again so biased against the west coast? Barkley is awesome, but it turns out that Corp or Mustain could run the offense and the Trojans win. You should have called Bob from Atlanta an idiot
Mark Schlabach (2:57 PM)
That's why I have two Pac-10 teams in BCS bowl games right now, along with BYU and Boise State.
No chance two Pac-10 teams and Boise State and BYU go to the BCS. None whatsoever.
Mike (Anaheim)
Mark, do some research. The SEC is not "the best" conference like everyone keeps saying.
Mark Schlabach (2:58 PM)
I had them ranked No. 1 last week and will again this week. Last time I checked, it's the league that produced the last three national champions. Which other league can make that argument? What else I'm supposed to base it on? Recruiting rankings?
Look at this, Mark is actually getting pissed off about having to do his job, which he shouldn't have. No you should not base it off recruiting rankings, smart ass. You shouldn't base it off who has the best team either. It's a top to bottom ranking of a group of teams, you should watch these teams and compare them. Basing your rankings off which conference's best team is best is every bit as dumb as basing it off which conference's worst team sucks least. Or which conference's 4th best team is best. It's only slightly less inane than basing it off which conference has the hottest coach's wives. In which case the SEC would win because Lane Kiffin's wife is a babe.
But back to my original point, if you have an employee who sucks at his job and he gets pissy about it, why do you keep him around?
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Let Me Be The First To Say
FUCKING ENOUGH WITH BRETT FAVRE, OK? He's a 39 year old quarterback coming off reconstructive surgery going to a team with no receivers who he has never practiced with. He is a lazy dick who went out of his way not to put in effort this offseason. He is every bit the asshole Barry Bonds. He will suck. I promise you that. He threw 22 picks last year, and had a QB rating a point higher than that of Kyle Orton. He may not be an upgrade over Sage Rosenfels, who at least knows the system and receivers. And in regards to ESPN, I've even had to ban Sportscenter which has become The Slob On Brett Favre Hour Featuring Chris Mortensen. We may have to march on Bristol. Call Jessie and Al, they know how to organize that shit.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Grit Wears A Chest Protector
Lindsay Berra would like to tell you about the game's best catcher. It starts with the tyipcal admiration for Albert Pujols, who is the almighty sun god of baseball. It gets interesting around paragraph three.
But if Pujols is El Hombre, the Dominican successor to Cardinals legend Stan "The Man" Musial, [Yadier] Molina is the glue that holds the team together. In fact, he's the sport's one true game-changing catcher, playing the position like no other.
I disagree. To the point where I will write an overly critical response on a blog that a maximum of three people read.
Yes, Joe Mauer has won two batting titles,
Joe Mauer also has a 1.022 OPS right now. I would say that is pretty game changing. Yadier's .722 OPS? Technically it changes the game, just not really positively like Joe Mauer's does.
Jorge Posada owns four World Series rings,
Luis Sojo has five. And he was once called the best .200 hitter ever by the Yankees radio announcer. So top that.
and Matt Wieters may be the Next Big Thing.
But right now he's not very good.
But catchers throughout the game know who sets the bar behind the dish.
Joe Mauer right?
Says Posada, "The best defensive catcher in baseball is Yadier Molina."
Says Atlanta's Brian McCann, "Yadi is the best defensive catcher in baseball."
Says Cleveland's Victor Martínez, "Yadier is the best behind the plate."
Ok yeah, I agree with that. Yadier is definitely the best defensive catcher in the game. That is at most, half of the equation.
Molina is a throwback, a catcher in the grittiest sense of the word.
This is also true. On the Grit Scale, Molina scores a 57. Comparatively, Jason Varitek only scores a 39. Despite frequently getting into fights and starting controversy, AJ Pierzynski and his bleached locks score a rather pedestrian 25. And pothead Geovany Soto scores a -4. Note to Geo: There's no such thing as a gritty chill bro.
He's a master of an art driven underground by a collective lust for the long ball.
That's right, Yadier is one hell of a basket weaver.
In the early 1980s, when offense exploded and home runs became all the rage, many clubs started signing catchers for their skills at the plate rather than those behind it.
Not really. Here are the top 10 catchers for OPS+ in the 1980s:
1. Gary Carter-119
2. Carlton Fisk-112
3. Lance Parrish-109
4. Darrel Porter-109
5. Bob Brenly-106
6. Ron Hassey- 105
7. Alan Ashby-104
8. Erny Whitt- 103
9. Ozzie Virgil- 102
10. Mike Scioscia- 100
Basically anyone outside of the 10 best hitting catchers of the 80's was below average. Really you'd hope these guys were not being signed for their hitting skills.
In the '90s, Mike Piazza became the poster boy, and the nuances of the position began to fade.
Mike Piazza is a hall of famer. He was not typical.
But no catcher can drive in as many runs as he can prevent.
False. Patently, patently false. A catcher can really only prevent runs by blocking a play at the plate or catching a guy stealing. Maybe he throws out a bunt attempt. None of these things happens on an every game basis. Look at AJ Pierzynski, the guy has the weakest arm of any catcher in the league. He can not prevent a stolen base. Can't do it. His career catcher's ERA is 4.22. Yadier Molina, easily the best defensive catcher in the game, has a career catcher's ERA of 4.02. Adjust for the fact that instead of facing a DH, Yadier's pitchers face another pitcher. The best defensive catcher in the game and, arguably, the worst end up having about the same impact on run prevention. You know who prevents runs? Pitchers and shortstops and fast outfielders.
But it's not even about that. The best catcher can prevent about 50 stolen bases when compared to an average one (I obtained this by looking at how many bases have been stolen on Yadier vs. more average catchers). A very good hitting catcher, will create about about 40 more runs per season than the average catcher (done by comparing Victor Martinez's runs created vs. average catchers). So unless 80 percent of the people who steal bases wind up scoring, a catcher will likely not prevent as many runs as he could have created. But who knows? Maybe Yadier's superior plate blocking skills save his team dozens of runs per year.
The stat geeks have yet to master next-level fielding metrics for catchers, so Molina's defensive prowess is more anecdotal than measured, but his pickoff and caught-stealing numbers are telling. It all began in 2002, when, by his own account, he picked 26 runners off the bases at Single-A Peoria (the team didn't keep that stat).
Not sure if I take offense to the stat geek reference, but I sure as hell don't care about how many Single-A Dream Chasers Yadier picked off. Especially if there's no evidence towards it.
In 2007, his fourth season in the big leagues, he threw out an astonishing 50% of the runners attempting to steal (the league average was 22%). But it wasn't until last season, when he batted a career-high .304 and his offense brought attention to his defense, that he finally won a Gold Glove.
I will include this sentence as my indictment against the Gold Glove voting. It is the biggest sham in professional sports.
Casual baseball fans may best know the 27-year-old Molina for, of all things, a home run -- one of just 36 he has hit in his career. In the top of the ninth inning of Game 7 of the 2006 NLCS against the Mets, Molina, who had batted just .216 during the regular season, came to the plate with one on and one out and the game tied 1-1. He drilled Aaron Heilman's first-pitch changeup over the leftfield wall at Shea Stadium, giving the Cardinals a 3-1 lead and reducing to a footnote Endy Chavez's spectacular, over-the-wall catch of a Scott Rolen blast in the sixth.
Not to be contrarian, but I remember Endy Chavez's catch more so than Yadier's homer. In fact, I don't even remember that it was Yadier who hit the homer.
But it was the bottom of the ninth that revealed the essence of Molina.
Essence of Molina: the new fragrance from Old Spice.
With two outs, the bases loaded and Cardinal-killer Carlos Beltrán at the plate
Cardinal-killing Carlos batted .143 against the Cardinals that year. Granted he had an acceptable .762 OPS, but he was by no means a Cardinal-killer. The year before he had a .726 OPS against the Cardinals. In fact, up until this year, Beltran's OPS against the Cardinals was about 150 points lower than his career OPS. If Carlos were on trial for Cardinal killing in the great state of Kentucky, I would have to vote him not guilty.
the catcher signaled for an 0-2 curveball from closer Adam Wainwright. In a situation where a hanger or even a wild pitch could have spelled catastrophe, the rookie righthander, without hesitation, hurled a filthy bender that started up and away and bit hard to the low inside corner. The pitch froze Beltrán for an embarrassing called third strike and gave the Cardinals the NL pennant.
In no way is Yadier Molina responsible for Adam Wainwright making a good pitch. Adam Wainwright is responsible for Adam Wainwright making a good pitch. People that were equally responsible for Adam Wainwright striking out Carlos Beltran:
Albert Pujols
David Eckstein
The Other Molina Brothers
Jesus
Mel Gibson
King Abdullah of Jordan
Solange Knowles
Captain Crunch
Assassinated Archduke Ferdinand
Black Jesus
The Canadian Man Who Invented The Zipper And Won't Shut Up About It
"You don't ever have to worry about bouncing a ball to Yadier," says Wainwright, now a St. Louis starter. "He's a human vacuum behind the plate. The only thing you have to think about is making the pitch, because you know Yadi's going to catch whatever you throw."
You should always feel confident about your catcher catching your pitches. You are a professional baseball player and he is a professional baseball player. Together, you should be able to throw and catch a ball 60 feet on the fly.
That kind of confidence in a catcher can't be overstated.
Yes it can. By crediting the catcher for a great pitch when it was the pitcher who threw the ball.
"I don't think anybody in the major leagues does a better job," manager Tony La Russa says. "Yadi is wonderful."
Defensively, "Yadi" is the best. Only defensively.
In the early days of baseball, catchers were revered.
Here we go, we're going to the early days. Where shit is inarguably worse, but everyone pretends it was better.
With tales of heroism from the Civil War fading from memory, the ballpark became the battlefield, and catchers established the standard for courage and toughness. They went behind the plate without any equipment, not even a glove, shielded from bats and balls only by their own bravado.
And stupidity. Don't forget stupidity.
They would catch fastballs with the palms of their hands,
Not as impressive as it sounds. Overhand pitching was still banned for the first years after the Civil War. After that, it was standard pitching form to windmill your arms around twice, pause in the middle of your wind up, and have a motion that took at least 5 seconds. They threw from 55 feet away and no one was throwing faster than 70. Still impressive, just not insane. Mostly it was dumb.
withstand a firestorm of foul tips and drop to block a skittish spitball and rise undaunted. They were judged by the number of games they could survive without sustaining a season-ending injury -- a broken hand or jaw, a concussing blow to the head. Those who couldn't hack it gave up after a few innings; the best played a hundred games.
Natural selection at it's finest. Those who had the mental capacity to wear gloves continued to play.
Eventually catchers donned masks and gloves, shin guards and chest protectors. But while the prototype backstop has changed -- from Mickey Cochrane and Bill Dickey, through Roy Campanella and Yogi Berra, to Johnny Bench and Carlton Fisk -- the essential characteristics of the catcher haven't.
Let me guess… some combination of heart and guts and other cliches.
Molina touches his hand to the redbird logo on his chest. "If you're weak here, in the heart, you won't last," he says. He taps two fingers to his temple. "If you're weak here, in the mind, you won't last. And guts. You have to have guts."
Thought so.
To spot all that, you really have to look. As Molina stands in front of his locker after a May 19 win over the Cubs, without his cap or catcher's mask, his Mohawk is the first thing you notice,
MOLINA HAS A MOHAWK!?!?! This adds four more points to his Grit Factor, putting him at an unprecedented 61 Grit Points! We haven't seen something this gritty since Kirk Gibson homered in the 1988 World Series on two bad legs and then tore down the Berlin Wall with his handmade steel-toed boots. That was truly a fine day for America.
and his calf-scraping jean shorts and canvas Ed Hardy sneakers make him look more like a punk skater than the man who just engineered Joel Piñeiro's shutout. The pitcher had lost three tough games earlier in the month, in the middle of a 4-10 Cardinals slide, and tonight he started slowly, giving up a leadoff single to Alfonso Soriano. But five pitches later, Molina picked Soriano off first, and Piñeiro allowed just two more hits the rest of the way.
It goes on like this with anecdotes for several paragraphs. I won't waste your time with them, but among the points that Berra makes are:
1. Molina steals 10-12 strikes per game based on his ability to frame pitches. Can't be proven one way or another, but I doubt it.
2. Yadier gets the ball down to second base about .2 seconds faster than the average catcher. I believe it.
3. Part of Yadier's defensive prowess is his ability to pick a guy off first base. He has done it twice as much as the second best guy since 2004, but still only amount to 5 or 6 outs a year. Scott Podsednik, he of the terrible fielding ability, will gun the same amount of people out at the plate this year.
4. Molina's arm prevents people from going first to third and keeps double plays intact. Probably true, not sure how many plays it actually impacts per year. Again, probably not a lot.
We will back jump in here:
Molina's expertise behind the plate has helped him as a hitter. After batting .304 last year, this season he's on pace for a career high in home runs.
His career high for home runs is 8. He is on pace to tie it. Kudos to Yadier.
He's also one of the toughest hitters in baseball to strike out.
Yadier is seventh among catchers in sacrifices. Otherwise a strikeout is the same as flyout or a groundout.
In the second inning of the All-Star Game, he stepped to the plate with runners on first and second and quickly went down 0-2 against Blue Jays ace Roy Halladay. But Molina shortened his swing and slapped an RBI single to center. "He puts the ball in play," says Pujols, who has become Molina's de facto hitting coach. "But the thing I really admire about Yadier is it doesn't matter if he goes 0-for-4 or 5-for-5; he has the same attitude every time he gets behind the plate. He cares about his defense more than anything because, through his defense, he will be able to help us win more. But he'll still get that big hit when we need it."
He's a below average hitter with a good approach. That still makes him a below average hitter.
After the All-Star Game, the best defensive catcher in baseball entertained a large crowd at his locker, chatting about his RBI.
I like to think Lindsay Berra qualified that term using "defensive" because of me. Although I will say that the final paragraph is an odd to place to temper the vocabulary.
It didn't matter that the reporters were waiting for Pujols, whose locker was next door, to get out of the shower. Molina always knows the score. "Is that a souvenir from your first All-Star Game?" a reporter asked about the ball Molina was holding. "No," he replied. "It's for my family. It's signed by Albert Pujols."
Worst ending ever.
But if Pujols is El Hombre, the Dominican successor to Cardinals legend Stan "The Man" Musial, [Yadier] Molina is the glue that holds the team together. In fact, he's the sport's one true game-changing catcher, playing the position like no other.
I disagree. To the point where I will write an overly critical response on a blog that a maximum of three people read.
Yes, Joe Mauer has won two batting titles,
Joe Mauer also has a 1.022 OPS right now. I would say that is pretty game changing. Yadier's .722 OPS? Technically it changes the game, just not really positively like Joe Mauer's does.
Jorge Posada owns four World Series rings,
Luis Sojo has five. And he was once called the best .200 hitter ever by the Yankees radio announcer. So top that.
and Matt Wieters may be the Next Big Thing.
But right now he's not very good.
But catchers throughout the game know who sets the bar behind the dish.
Joe Mauer right?
Says Posada, "The best defensive catcher in baseball is Yadier Molina."
Says Atlanta's Brian McCann, "Yadi is the best defensive catcher in baseball."
Says Cleveland's Victor Martínez, "Yadier is the best behind the plate."
Ok yeah, I agree with that. Yadier is definitely the best defensive catcher in the game. That is at most, half of the equation.
Molina is a throwback, a catcher in the grittiest sense of the word.
This is also true. On the Grit Scale, Molina scores a 57. Comparatively, Jason Varitek only scores a 39. Despite frequently getting into fights and starting controversy, AJ Pierzynski and his bleached locks score a rather pedestrian 25. And pothead Geovany Soto scores a -4. Note to Geo: There's no such thing as a gritty chill bro.
He's a master of an art driven underground by a collective lust for the long ball.
That's right, Yadier is one hell of a basket weaver.
In the early 1980s, when offense exploded and home runs became all the rage, many clubs started signing catchers for their skills at the plate rather than those behind it.
Not really. Here are the top 10 catchers for OPS+ in the 1980s:
1. Gary Carter-119
2. Carlton Fisk-112
3. Lance Parrish-109
4. Darrel Porter-109
5. Bob Brenly-106
6. Ron Hassey- 105
7. Alan Ashby-104
8. Erny Whitt- 103
9. Ozzie Virgil- 102
10. Mike Scioscia- 100
Basically anyone outside of the 10 best hitting catchers of the 80's was below average. Really you'd hope these guys were not being signed for their hitting skills.
In the '90s, Mike Piazza became the poster boy, and the nuances of the position began to fade.
Mike Piazza is a hall of famer. He was not typical.
But no catcher can drive in as many runs as he can prevent.
False. Patently, patently false. A catcher can really only prevent runs by blocking a play at the plate or catching a guy stealing. Maybe he throws out a bunt attempt. None of these things happens on an every game basis. Look at AJ Pierzynski, the guy has the weakest arm of any catcher in the league. He can not prevent a stolen base. Can't do it. His career catcher's ERA is 4.22. Yadier Molina, easily the best defensive catcher in the game, has a career catcher's ERA of 4.02. Adjust for the fact that instead of facing a DH, Yadier's pitchers face another pitcher. The best defensive catcher in the game and, arguably, the worst end up having about the same impact on run prevention. You know who prevents runs? Pitchers and shortstops and fast outfielders.
But it's not even about that. The best catcher can prevent about 50 stolen bases when compared to an average one (I obtained this by looking at how many bases have been stolen on Yadier vs. more average catchers). A very good hitting catcher, will create about about 40 more runs per season than the average catcher (done by comparing Victor Martinez's runs created vs. average catchers). So unless 80 percent of the people who steal bases wind up scoring, a catcher will likely not prevent as many runs as he could have created. But who knows? Maybe Yadier's superior plate blocking skills save his team dozens of runs per year.
The stat geeks have yet to master next-level fielding metrics for catchers, so Molina's defensive prowess is more anecdotal than measured, but his pickoff and caught-stealing numbers are telling. It all began in 2002, when, by his own account, he picked 26 runners off the bases at Single-A Peoria (the team didn't keep that stat).
Not sure if I take offense to the stat geek reference, but I sure as hell don't care about how many Single-A Dream Chasers Yadier picked off. Especially if there's no evidence towards it.
In 2007, his fourth season in the big leagues, he threw out an astonishing 50% of the runners attempting to steal (the league average was 22%). But it wasn't until last season, when he batted a career-high .304 and his offense brought attention to his defense, that he finally won a Gold Glove.
I will include this sentence as my indictment against the Gold Glove voting. It is the biggest sham in professional sports.
Casual baseball fans may best know the 27-year-old Molina for, of all things, a home run -- one of just 36 he has hit in his career. In the top of the ninth inning of Game 7 of the 2006 NLCS against the Mets, Molina, who had batted just .216 during the regular season, came to the plate with one on and one out and the game tied 1-1. He drilled Aaron Heilman's first-pitch changeup over the leftfield wall at Shea Stadium, giving the Cardinals a 3-1 lead and reducing to a footnote Endy Chavez's spectacular, over-the-wall catch of a Scott Rolen blast in the sixth.
Not to be contrarian, but I remember Endy Chavez's catch more so than Yadier's homer. In fact, I don't even remember that it was Yadier who hit the homer.
But it was the bottom of the ninth that revealed the essence of Molina.
Essence of Molina: the new fragrance from Old Spice.
With two outs, the bases loaded and Cardinal-killer Carlos Beltrán at the plate
Cardinal-killing Carlos batted .143 against the Cardinals that year. Granted he had an acceptable .762 OPS, but he was by no means a Cardinal-killer. The year before he had a .726 OPS against the Cardinals. In fact, up until this year, Beltran's OPS against the Cardinals was about 150 points lower than his career OPS. If Carlos were on trial for Cardinal killing in the great state of Kentucky, I would have to vote him not guilty.
the catcher signaled for an 0-2 curveball from closer Adam Wainwright. In a situation where a hanger or even a wild pitch could have spelled catastrophe, the rookie righthander, without hesitation, hurled a filthy bender that started up and away and bit hard to the low inside corner. The pitch froze Beltrán for an embarrassing called third strike and gave the Cardinals the NL pennant.
In no way is Yadier Molina responsible for Adam Wainwright making a good pitch. Adam Wainwright is responsible for Adam Wainwright making a good pitch. People that were equally responsible for Adam Wainwright striking out Carlos Beltran:
Albert Pujols
David Eckstein
The Other Molina Brothers
Jesus
Mel Gibson
King Abdullah of Jordan
Solange Knowles
Captain Crunch
Assassinated Archduke Ferdinand
Black Jesus
The Canadian Man Who Invented The Zipper And Won't Shut Up About It
"You don't ever have to worry about bouncing a ball to Yadier," says Wainwright, now a St. Louis starter. "He's a human vacuum behind the plate. The only thing you have to think about is making the pitch, because you know Yadi's going to catch whatever you throw."
You should always feel confident about your catcher catching your pitches. You are a professional baseball player and he is a professional baseball player. Together, you should be able to throw and catch a ball 60 feet on the fly.
That kind of confidence in a catcher can't be overstated.
Yes it can. By crediting the catcher for a great pitch when it was the pitcher who threw the ball.
"I don't think anybody in the major leagues does a better job," manager Tony La Russa says. "Yadi is wonderful."
Defensively, "Yadi" is the best. Only defensively.
In the early days of baseball, catchers were revered.
Here we go, we're going to the early days. Where shit is inarguably worse, but everyone pretends it was better.
With tales of heroism from the Civil War fading from memory, the ballpark became the battlefield, and catchers established the standard for courage and toughness. They went behind the plate without any equipment, not even a glove, shielded from bats and balls only by their own bravado.
And stupidity. Don't forget stupidity.
They would catch fastballs with the palms of their hands,
Not as impressive as it sounds. Overhand pitching was still banned for the first years after the Civil War. After that, it was standard pitching form to windmill your arms around twice, pause in the middle of your wind up, and have a motion that took at least 5 seconds. They threw from 55 feet away and no one was throwing faster than 70. Still impressive, just not insane. Mostly it was dumb.
withstand a firestorm of foul tips and drop to block a skittish spitball and rise undaunted. They were judged by the number of games they could survive without sustaining a season-ending injury -- a broken hand or jaw, a concussing blow to the head. Those who couldn't hack it gave up after a few innings; the best played a hundred games.
Natural selection at it's finest. Those who had the mental capacity to wear gloves continued to play.
Eventually catchers donned masks and gloves, shin guards and chest protectors. But while the prototype backstop has changed -- from Mickey Cochrane and Bill Dickey, through Roy Campanella and Yogi Berra, to Johnny Bench and Carlton Fisk -- the essential characteristics of the catcher haven't.
Let me guess… some combination of heart and guts and other cliches.
Molina touches his hand to the redbird logo on his chest. "If you're weak here, in the heart, you won't last," he says. He taps two fingers to his temple. "If you're weak here, in the mind, you won't last. And guts. You have to have guts."
Thought so.
To spot all that, you really have to look. As Molina stands in front of his locker after a May 19 win over the Cubs, without his cap or catcher's mask, his Mohawk is the first thing you notice,
MOLINA HAS A MOHAWK!?!?! This adds four more points to his Grit Factor, putting him at an unprecedented 61 Grit Points! We haven't seen something this gritty since Kirk Gibson homered in the 1988 World Series on two bad legs and then tore down the Berlin Wall with his handmade steel-toed boots. That was truly a fine day for America.
and his calf-scraping jean shorts and canvas Ed Hardy sneakers make him look more like a punk skater than the man who just engineered Joel Piñeiro's shutout. The pitcher had lost three tough games earlier in the month, in the middle of a 4-10 Cardinals slide, and tonight he started slowly, giving up a leadoff single to Alfonso Soriano. But five pitches later, Molina picked Soriano off first, and Piñeiro allowed just two more hits the rest of the way.
It goes on like this with anecdotes for several paragraphs. I won't waste your time with them, but among the points that Berra makes are:
1. Molina steals 10-12 strikes per game based on his ability to frame pitches. Can't be proven one way or another, but I doubt it.
2. Yadier gets the ball down to second base about .2 seconds faster than the average catcher. I believe it.
3. Part of Yadier's defensive prowess is his ability to pick a guy off first base. He has done it twice as much as the second best guy since 2004, but still only amount to 5 or 6 outs a year. Scott Podsednik, he of the terrible fielding ability, will gun the same amount of people out at the plate this year.
4. Molina's arm prevents people from going first to third and keeps double plays intact. Probably true, not sure how many plays it actually impacts per year. Again, probably not a lot.
We will back jump in here:
Molina's expertise behind the plate has helped him as a hitter. After batting .304 last year, this season he's on pace for a career high in home runs.
His career high for home runs is 8. He is on pace to tie it. Kudos to Yadier.
He's also one of the toughest hitters in baseball to strike out.
Yadier is seventh among catchers in sacrifices. Otherwise a strikeout is the same as flyout or a groundout.
In the second inning of the All-Star Game, he stepped to the plate with runners on first and second and quickly went down 0-2 against Blue Jays ace Roy Halladay. But Molina shortened his swing and slapped an RBI single to center. "He puts the ball in play," says Pujols, who has become Molina's de facto hitting coach. "But the thing I really admire about Yadier is it doesn't matter if he goes 0-for-4 or 5-for-5; he has the same attitude every time he gets behind the plate. He cares about his defense more than anything because, through his defense, he will be able to help us win more. But he'll still get that big hit when we need it."
He's a below average hitter with a good approach. That still makes him a below average hitter.
After the All-Star Game, the best defensive catcher in baseball entertained a large crowd at his locker, chatting about his RBI.
I like to think Lindsay Berra qualified that term using "defensive" because of me. Although I will say that the final paragraph is an odd to place to temper the vocabulary.
It didn't matter that the reporters were waiting for Pujols, whose locker was next door, to get out of the shower. Molina always knows the score. "Is that a souvenir from your first All-Star Game?" a reporter asked about the ball Molina was holding. "No," he replied. "It's for my family. It's signed by Albert Pujols."
Worst ending ever.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
How Does This Continue To Happen?
Greg Poppovich and Phil Jackson have won 14 championships in the last 20 years. Part of it has to do with them being hall of fame coaches, but they also know how to work with a front office to get the personnel they need. If you watched this NBA offseason, you would see how shockingly rare this is. NBA GMs are dumb. They seriously do not know how to build a basketball team. As evidence, I provide the following teams:
1. Memphis Grizzlies. Just when I thought I could never be shocked by anything Chris Wallace did, he drafted Hasheem Thabeet, traded for Zach Randolph, let Hakim Warrick walk, and for some reason opted into a trade that gave Dallas Shawn Marion in order to save his team 2 million. You know what's a good way to make 2 million? Field a team that doesn't suck. Look at the starting roster: Conley is too small and is a bit of an injury liability (shockingly he has no backup), OJ Mayo is a chucker, Rudy Gay is a chucker, Zach Randolph is a black hole, and Hasheem Thabeet is in absolutely no way an NBA caliber player right now. This team might not win fifteen games, it's going bankrupt, Chris Wallace already traded Pau Gasol for Javaris Crittenton, and now he wants to maybe sign Allen Iverson. How in the fucking world does he have a job? Has anybody ever been this bad at something? Not even their job, just pick an activity that someone could be bad at performing, are they as terrible as Chris Wallace?
2.Milwaukee Bucks. Trading Richard Jefferson for nothing? Bold. Not even offering a contract to Charlie Villanueva? Also bold. Letting Ramon Sessions leave as well? Alright then, that leaves you with a team that has one player that can described as good and one other that can be described as above average. Outside of Bogut and Redd, I'm not sure Milwaukee has a single guy who should be in the top 8 of a professional franchise.
3. Minnesota Timberwolves. Drafted consecutive point guards at 5 and 6. No coach. Brian Cardinal and Darius Songalia looking at real minutes. It won't be too long before Al Jefferson demands out. It could be worse, but it looks like Rubio's gonna come over and play. I guess that's a good thing, even though he played against some weak competition. They could actually win less games than a team run by Chris Wallace.
4. Indiana Pacers. They let Jarret Jack flee the country, drafted Tyler Hansborough too early, and signed Dahntay Jones for 11 million even though he fills the same niche as 2008 first rounder Brandon Rush. On the plus side, they could trot out the least athletic lineup since basketball integrated with Travis Diener, Mike Dunleavy, Tyler Hansborough, Troy Murphy, and Roy Hibbert.
5. Phoenix Suns. Traded Shaq for nothing. Not that there was a lot on the table, but I just have to criticize a team that gave up a starting all-star center in exchange for jack shit. After Amare leaves, they may be very bad for a good number of years.
6. Detroit Pistons. They're locked in for mediocrity. Gordon and Villanueva are nice players, neither of whom can play defense. You should not commit 20 million dollars per year for 5 years to those two. Kwame Brown is starting. You should not start Kwame Brown. Rip Hamilton does the exact same thing Ben Gordon does at the same price, only not quite as well. There is not one good ballhandler on the roster. Look for an inglorious exit for Joey Dumars in a year or two because he's made a mess.
7. Atlanta Hawks. Trading for Jamal Crawford automatically gets you put into the top 10. There's a reason he has never been on a winning team.
THUS ENDS THE GMS THAT HAVE DONE MULTIPLE YEARS OF HARM TO THEIR TEAMS. The next group has made their team in some way worse off, but not irreparably so.
8. Houston Rockets. Trevor Ariza is simply not the player Ron Artest is. Don't let his hot shooting streak in the playoffs fool you, he shot a miserable 32 percent from 3 during the regular season. He's probably not as bad as his regular season would indicate, but absolutely not as good as his April would. Rumors of Ron Ron's defensive demise have been greatly exaggerated. His counterpart PER at SF was an astounding 12.3, the SFs Ariza was charged with guarding had a PER of 16. Oh and Ron is a much better defender. Sure he's crazy, but look at how well they played the Lakers when it was basically Artest, Battier, and Scola. A healthy Yao Ming (I know) and that's a championship contender, especially once they clear T-Mac's massive salary. They took a big step back.
9. LA Lakers. Just because I spent the last paragraph admonishing Ron Artest doesn't mean I think LA's a good fit for him. Ariza did exactly what they needed, which was provide perimeter D while not taking any bad shots. Well Ron likes to shoot a lot more. He might not like being the fourth option on a team behind Kobe, Pau, possibly Odom or Bynum. Also he's an insane person living in the holy Mecca of insane people. I have no idea what could happen. Maybe he opens an international chain of waffle houses. Maybe he gets his own personal tiger to ride around on, whom he lovingly names Jambi. Maybe he starts dressing like Mr. Peanut and crashes movies studios and gives spontaneous advice to M. Night Shamalyan on the subtleties of mis-en-scene. He's like a comic book character, nothing is out of the question.
10. Chicago Bulls. I still can't believe they gave a small forward who's specialty is the mid range game 12 million per. I can't remember any contract that was so instantly regretted. And it cost the Bulls Ben Gordon, a guy who could absolutely be the third option on a championship team. It's not so bad, Gordon's skill is probably the easiest of any to replace. I'm pissed that Jerry was so unwilling to go into the tax for a team that's so close. Seriously we were Luol Deng and Tyrus Thomas for Chris Bosh (could happen midseason) from being contenders. Oh and Jerry's trying to buy the Phoenix Coyotes and the Bulls have been the most profitable team in the NBA over the decade despite being a joke for the first half of it. We deserved better.
11. Boston Celtics. Sheed is terrible. His stats are comparable to Walter Hermann's. And you can only put so much crazy douche into one team before it explodes. Sheed is an ass, KG is an ass, Rondo is a punkbitch extraordinairre. One can only hope that Sheed ends up pounding the crap out of Rajon, who Danny Ainge publicly blasted earlier this summer.
12. Orlando Magic. Opted for Marcin Gortat and Brandon Bass over Hedo Turkoglu. Let me rephrase that, opted for two back ups over their crunch time shooter. Nelson, Carter, Turkoglu, Lewis, Howard could have been the most offensively complete starting lineup in the NBA. They even have the necessary wing stopper off the bench in Pietrus. They were one step from a championship, made that step, then purposely took a huge step back. Dumb.
13. New Jersey. Was Courtney Lee really the best player you could get for Vince Carter? Really?
So those 13 teams got worse. Portland, Charlotte, Dallas, New Orleans, and Washington all made moves that don't really make their teams much better. Miami, Utah, Denver, Philadelphia, Sacramento, and New York didn't do anything of significance, although Utah and Miami may. Golden State will be better in the future, maybe not this year, after ditching Jamal Crawford. The Clippers picked Blake Griffin, although I award them no credit in doing so. Cleveland got Shaq but they still need a versatile forward who can play good defense. Turkoglu may help the Raptors get to the playoffs, or they may severely regret that contract if they don't come out of the gate strong and have to trade Bosh. Oklahoma City made a solid pick with James Harden.
Of all the teams in the NBA, only the San Antonio Spurs made savvy moves that made the team significantly better. Parker, Mason, Jefferson (people forget he can also be a damn good wing defender), McDyess, Duncan, with Ginobili playing thirty off the bench. DaJuan Blair, my favorite sleeper of the draft and a guy the Bulls absolutely should have picked, as a valuable big man off the bench. Matt Bonner is a 6-10 PF who can shoot the 3. They can throw so many different looks at a team and spread the floor so well, and Pops is gonna be the best coach in the game next year. The team's getting older, but I think they have one last run in them. I'm tagging the Spurs as my early favorite for 2010.
So let's do a quick recap. Of the 30 NBA teams, thirteen got worse. Another eleven didn't really change. Two teams made high profile moves that probably won't pay off. Only four teams got better. One of those was addition by subtraction, so no credit because the Warriors acquired Jamal Crawford in the first place. No credit for picking Blake Griffin number one either because it was the most obvious pick of all time. That leaves us with Sam Presti and R.C. Buford, the two best GMs in basketball with only Jerry Buss, Daryl Morey, Mark Warkentien, and Kevin Pritchard deserving mention as good. Think about that. Only twenty percent of the profession deserves praise. That's not even half way to an F minus. The NBA: Where not even half way to an F minus happens.
1. Memphis Grizzlies. Just when I thought I could never be shocked by anything Chris Wallace did, he drafted Hasheem Thabeet, traded for Zach Randolph, let Hakim Warrick walk, and for some reason opted into a trade that gave Dallas Shawn Marion in order to save his team 2 million. You know what's a good way to make 2 million? Field a team that doesn't suck. Look at the starting roster: Conley is too small and is a bit of an injury liability (shockingly he has no backup), OJ Mayo is a chucker, Rudy Gay is a chucker, Zach Randolph is a black hole, and Hasheem Thabeet is in absolutely no way an NBA caliber player right now. This team might not win fifteen games, it's going bankrupt, Chris Wallace already traded Pau Gasol for Javaris Crittenton, and now he wants to maybe sign Allen Iverson. How in the fucking world does he have a job? Has anybody ever been this bad at something? Not even their job, just pick an activity that someone could be bad at performing, are they as terrible as Chris Wallace?
2.Milwaukee Bucks. Trading Richard Jefferson for nothing? Bold. Not even offering a contract to Charlie Villanueva? Also bold. Letting Ramon Sessions leave as well? Alright then, that leaves you with a team that has one player that can described as good and one other that can be described as above average. Outside of Bogut and Redd, I'm not sure Milwaukee has a single guy who should be in the top 8 of a professional franchise.
3. Minnesota Timberwolves. Drafted consecutive point guards at 5 and 6. No coach. Brian Cardinal and Darius Songalia looking at real minutes. It won't be too long before Al Jefferson demands out. It could be worse, but it looks like Rubio's gonna come over and play. I guess that's a good thing, even though he played against some weak competition. They could actually win less games than a team run by Chris Wallace.
4. Indiana Pacers. They let Jarret Jack flee the country, drafted Tyler Hansborough too early, and signed Dahntay Jones for 11 million even though he fills the same niche as 2008 first rounder Brandon Rush. On the plus side, they could trot out the least athletic lineup since basketball integrated with Travis Diener, Mike Dunleavy, Tyler Hansborough, Troy Murphy, and Roy Hibbert.
5. Phoenix Suns. Traded Shaq for nothing. Not that there was a lot on the table, but I just have to criticize a team that gave up a starting all-star center in exchange for jack shit. After Amare leaves, they may be very bad for a good number of years.
6. Detroit Pistons. They're locked in for mediocrity. Gordon and Villanueva are nice players, neither of whom can play defense. You should not commit 20 million dollars per year for 5 years to those two. Kwame Brown is starting. You should not start Kwame Brown. Rip Hamilton does the exact same thing Ben Gordon does at the same price, only not quite as well. There is not one good ballhandler on the roster. Look for an inglorious exit for Joey Dumars in a year or two because he's made a mess.
7. Atlanta Hawks. Trading for Jamal Crawford automatically gets you put into the top 10. There's a reason he has never been on a winning team.
THUS ENDS THE GMS THAT HAVE DONE MULTIPLE YEARS OF HARM TO THEIR TEAMS. The next group has made their team in some way worse off, but not irreparably so.
8. Houston Rockets. Trevor Ariza is simply not the player Ron Artest is. Don't let his hot shooting streak in the playoffs fool you, he shot a miserable 32 percent from 3 during the regular season. He's probably not as bad as his regular season would indicate, but absolutely not as good as his April would. Rumors of Ron Ron's defensive demise have been greatly exaggerated. His counterpart PER at SF was an astounding 12.3, the SFs Ariza was charged with guarding had a PER of 16. Oh and Ron is a much better defender. Sure he's crazy, but look at how well they played the Lakers when it was basically Artest, Battier, and Scola. A healthy Yao Ming (I know) and that's a championship contender, especially once they clear T-Mac's massive salary. They took a big step back.
9. LA Lakers. Just because I spent the last paragraph admonishing Ron Artest doesn't mean I think LA's a good fit for him. Ariza did exactly what they needed, which was provide perimeter D while not taking any bad shots. Well Ron likes to shoot a lot more. He might not like being the fourth option on a team behind Kobe, Pau, possibly Odom or Bynum. Also he's an insane person living in the holy Mecca of insane people. I have no idea what could happen. Maybe he opens an international chain of waffle houses. Maybe he gets his own personal tiger to ride around on, whom he lovingly names Jambi. Maybe he starts dressing like Mr. Peanut and crashes movies studios and gives spontaneous advice to M. Night Shamalyan on the subtleties of mis-en-scene. He's like a comic book character, nothing is out of the question.
10. Chicago Bulls. I still can't believe they gave a small forward who's specialty is the mid range game 12 million per. I can't remember any contract that was so instantly regretted. And it cost the Bulls Ben Gordon, a guy who could absolutely be the third option on a championship team. It's not so bad, Gordon's skill is probably the easiest of any to replace. I'm pissed that Jerry was so unwilling to go into the tax for a team that's so close. Seriously we were Luol Deng and Tyrus Thomas for Chris Bosh (could happen midseason) from being contenders. Oh and Jerry's trying to buy the Phoenix Coyotes and the Bulls have been the most profitable team in the NBA over the decade despite being a joke for the first half of it. We deserved better.
11. Boston Celtics. Sheed is terrible. His stats are comparable to Walter Hermann's. And you can only put so much crazy douche into one team before it explodes. Sheed is an ass, KG is an ass, Rondo is a punkbitch extraordinairre. One can only hope that Sheed ends up pounding the crap out of Rajon, who Danny Ainge publicly blasted earlier this summer.
12. Orlando Magic. Opted for Marcin Gortat and Brandon Bass over Hedo Turkoglu. Let me rephrase that, opted for two back ups over their crunch time shooter. Nelson, Carter, Turkoglu, Lewis, Howard could have been the most offensively complete starting lineup in the NBA. They even have the necessary wing stopper off the bench in Pietrus. They were one step from a championship, made that step, then purposely took a huge step back. Dumb.
13. New Jersey. Was Courtney Lee really the best player you could get for Vince Carter? Really?
So those 13 teams got worse. Portland, Charlotte, Dallas, New Orleans, and Washington all made moves that don't really make their teams much better. Miami, Utah, Denver, Philadelphia, Sacramento, and New York didn't do anything of significance, although Utah and Miami may. Golden State will be better in the future, maybe not this year, after ditching Jamal Crawford. The Clippers picked Blake Griffin, although I award them no credit in doing so. Cleveland got Shaq but they still need a versatile forward who can play good defense. Turkoglu may help the Raptors get to the playoffs, or they may severely regret that contract if they don't come out of the gate strong and have to trade Bosh. Oklahoma City made a solid pick with James Harden.
Of all the teams in the NBA, only the San Antonio Spurs made savvy moves that made the team significantly better. Parker, Mason, Jefferson (people forget he can also be a damn good wing defender), McDyess, Duncan, with Ginobili playing thirty off the bench. DaJuan Blair, my favorite sleeper of the draft and a guy the Bulls absolutely should have picked, as a valuable big man off the bench. Matt Bonner is a 6-10 PF who can shoot the 3. They can throw so many different looks at a team and spread the floor so well, and Pops is gonna be the best coach in the game next year. The team's getting older, but I think they have one last run in them. I'm tagging the Spurs as my early favorite for 2010.
So let's do a quick recap. Of the 30 NBA teams, thirteen got worse. Another eleven didn't really change. Two teams made high profile moves that probably won't pay off. Only four teams got better. One of those was addition by subtraction, so no credit because the Warriors acquired Jamal Crawford in the first place. No credit for picking Blake Griffin number one either because it was the most obvious pick of all time. That leaves us with Sam Presti and R.C. Buford, the two best GMs in basketball with only Jerry Buss, Daryl Morey, Mark Warkentien, and Kevin Pritchard deserving mention as good. Think about that. Only twenty percent of the profession deserves praise. That's not even half way to an F minus. The NBA: Where not even half way to an F minus happens.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
MAILBAG!!!!!!@!!!@!
I know what you're thinking: "Jeff, you don't have enough readers for a mailbag". You're right. So I stole Bill Simmons's mailbag and gave far snappier answers. Why? To prove how fucking easy his job is and how your average chimp (me) could do it.
Q: After hearing you and JackO talk about how unfunny athletes really are in a recent podcast, doesn't there need to be a new ratings scale known as "Athlete Funny"? I derived this after I listened to a Cubs fan tell me how funny Ryan Dempster is. Just because you can crack up people on "Cold Pizza" with your Dr. Evil impression (i.e., an impression of an impression) does not make you funny.
-- Chad, Los Angeles
I love arbitrary ratings scales. Use them all the time. A 13 year old version of me and my friends had a way to arbitrarily rate the attractiveness of girls on a 35 point scale. Highly misogynistic and juvenile, but also fairly effective. With all my love for arbitrary ratings and cut-offs I simply cannot justify answering this question. There are four categories of funny people: people who are flat out not funny, pretty people, regurgitaters, and truly funny people. The breakdown is pretty simple, people will always be more willing to laugh at a joke made be someone who is attractive. Regurgitaters are people who can quote a movie at the right time, play up a stereotype, do a good job of ripping off another person's joke, or they can be funny with a set script. They seem kinda funny at first, but eventually you realize that they aren't original. Almost every professional athlete is a regurgitater.
Q: Read your Clips' curse column. As a "Lost" fan, I am surprised you didn't notice that in the very first move of your timeline, the Clippers fired a "Dr. Jack" and replaced him with a "Locke." Coincidence? I think not!
-- Evan, St. Paul, Minn.
Another parallel? All the things that happen involving Lost or the Clippers make no fucking sense. How a show that features time travel, tropical polar bears, and a group of bad guys as generically titled as "The Others" could be taken as a tour de force is as astonishing as the continued existence of a franchise as dysfunctional as the LA Clippers. Also I think Mike Dunleavy is running both of them, because it's clear that shit is just getting made up is it goes along.
Q: Is nobody willing to acknowledge the fact that Ivan Rodriguez and many of his 1990s Rangers teammates were all juicing while President Bush was their owner? That's a story right there.
GET THE HUFFINGTON POST ON THIS STAT!
Q: I'm 18 and just graduated high school. When my college decisions came in in April, I narrowed down my choices to Dartmouth and Princeton and had no idea what to do. Whether it's teenage indecision or my relative laziness, the only thing I could think of was your pure hatred for Princeton. So I chose Dartmouth. You, Bill Simmons, made the biggest decision I have ever made. Most likely, you will be responsible for whatever shenanigans I go through in life. Just wanted to let you know and say thanks.
-- Sam, New York
I've seen a fair amount of tools in my day, but Sam from New York could be the biggest fucking tool in America. He is the tool shed, Batman's tool belt, and the rock band Tool all rolled into one ginormous douche bag. Why Sam wrote this: 1. To say look at me, I got into Dartmouth and Princeton! Good for you Sam, you're clearly a strong student who's super fucking impressed with himself. We had a kid like that in my class. He was very smart and is going to Yale and his senior quote was "Yale 2013". Also, everyone hated him. 2. If you let a sportswriter's dislike of a group of alumni determine where you choose to go to college, you are a pawn. And for the record, kids from Dartmouth have about as bad as a reputation as you can have. Thank you for continuing the tradition Sam.
Q: You wrote that no current celebrity would get the same reaction as Michael Jackson did when he died. What about Oprah? I'm thinking that the entire free world might stop.
-- Tom K., Red Bank, N.J.
Oprah's told a lot of people what to like for a long time and she's done a lot of good work. But Simmons is right when he says it won't be the same because she's not an artist. I don't think they'll show all these great clips of her show. We'll see what happens when Bono dies. He may get canonized. It would be a different kind of stoppage, but it will be big.
Q: It's July 14. Happy Curmudgeon Liberation Day!
-- Corey, Salt Lake City
Let's eat matzah and recount the days when we suffered under the reign of Billy Packer.
Q: I need an official ruling from you. Me and my buddy Lawson have been arguing over the proper title for our obsession with the glory that is hard-throwing Red Sox reliever Daniel Bard. He suggested Bardoner and I countered with Bardner. Recently we have reached an agreement on Bard-on. What do you think?
-- Ethan S., Boston
Bardoner and Bardner don't really make sense, Bard-on is appropriate but not very creative. Like when the Cubs got Rich Harden and people would say I've got a Harden. Would this question have made it if Bard wasn't on the Red Sox? I say no.
Q: Ever messed around with the NBA Trade Machine and tried to determine what trade would give the absolute highest possible increase in John Hollinger's projected wins to a team? Ultimately, I was able to add 58 projected wins to the Knicks by sacking Portland, Cleveland and the Lakers of their valuables. Please don't ask me how long that took. My challenge to you is simple: TOP THAT.
-- Jon, Edison, N.J.
Jon's 58 wins? Not bad. The 66 Bill Simmons picked up? Pretty damn good. But how about an additional 69 victories? I pulled it off. Sadly I can't figure out how to make a hyperlink to my specific trade, only the trade machine front page. But I'll describe it to you. The trade would give the New York Knicks a starting lineup of Tony Parker, Brandon Roy, LeBron James, LaMarcus Aldridge, and Tim Duncan. Manu Ginobli gets to play to his ideal role as a super six man. Jerryd Bayless, Rudy Fernandez, JJ Hickson, Jordan Hill, Darko Milicic, and Toney Douglass are the reserves. I had to trade away everyone I could from the Knicks, but they suck so who cares. And yes my team would beat Bill Simmons's team.
Q: My girlfriend has been making me watch "The Bachelorette" and I'm not even ashamed. Isn't it easily as good as any other Monday night comedy? Plus, there's Jillian and the unending internal debate in my head as to whether she's hot or not. Literally every shot of her evokes a different reaction from me. I'm amazed at how intriguing the show is.
-- Mike B. Brighton, Mass.
I have proudly never watched the bachelorette.
Q: Simmons, you amaze me. You are either the embodiment of the American Dream or a sure sign of Armageddon. You write for ESPN, yet you break no stories, have no sources, offer little analysis. Instead you write superfluous pieces of fluff that are only your half-baked opinion, offer no proof and constantly write about the NBA, the Red Sox and Pats to the exclusion of anything else of substance. To top it off, you seem as mature as a horny, pimply 14-year-old. I don't get it.
-- Rick D, Saint Joseph, Mo.
He also likes to party and bullshit. Don't you ever forget that.
Q: What is your starting lineup of stars from 1992-2008 that you would be shocked to find out used PEDs?
-- (Name accidentally deleted)
Simmons named Jeter and Griffey which I agree with, but I would add Greg Maddux. He threw barely threw 90, which is damn rare for a major league right hander. Imagine if he blew up like Barry Bonds and could suddenly throw 95 on the black over and over again. I have to admit bias though, the Mad Dog was my favorite pitcher growing up and I was at his 3,000th strikeout game which was frickin awesome.
Q: I am a die-hard soccer fan living abroad and agree with your theory that international soccer could take off in the States. But not everyone listens to your podcasts, so could you please make the same case in one of your columns so everyone can see it? I think it's important. Thanks and cheers from the UK!
-- T.J., Leeds, England
International soccer is very cool. Something I like to casually follow but can't really get into because I don't have ties to any teams.
Q: I would like to add an idea to the great things you have suggested to improve NBA officiating: an NBA ombudsman, someone affiliated with the league, but who could sort through complaints (both internal and external) without an agenda, and criticize the league when it needs to be criticized. Le Anne Schreiber did such a great job for ESPN, I would love to see the NBA hire someone to do the same thing.
-- Mike Rensink, San Diego
I love the idea of an ombudsman. Everything should have an ombudsman, from the largest corporation to a group of friends. Think about it. Appoint one person from outside your circle of friends to become your ombudsman for three months. They could help resolve disputes, give honest criticism to people, and provide general analysis on the group's social standing. This person would be required to give a formal state of the group address at the end of his term. Wouldn't this make people better?
Q: Do you think Joe Buck and Tim McCarver look like a couple who live in Sweden and design a currency for cats and dogs?
-- Evan, Boston
Talladega Nights reference. Cool. Keeping up ESPN's disturbing penchant for random Will Ferrell movie quotes.
Q: I watched UFC 100 and was thoroughly entertained. A pretty great night for the UFC, methinks. Then I read all over the Internet that what Brock Lesnar did after his match was unacceptable, unprofessional, etc. Really? It was unacceptable? This is the freaking UFC, not the PGA Tour! Who do they think they are fooling? Can I get you, Sports Guy, to give everyone an official "settle down" on this issue with Lesnar?
-- Tony N., Minneapolis
Flipping off the fans was a bit excessive, but good promotion from Lesnar. Not sure if it was a savvy move or he's just a jag. Either way, everyone's rooting for him to get his ass kicked. Don't be surprised if he gets the Michael Bisping treatment where someone throws in an all out shot to Lesnar's teeth after he's been dropped. Watching that fight, Lesnar should've learned that talking shit is a bad idea in the UFC.
Q: Since DeJuan Blair has no ACLs to tear, what would happen if the Clippers drafted him?
-- Tyler F., St. Louis
"It would be like crossing the streams in "Ghostbusters." Buildings would blow up and Ernie Hudson would be covered in marshmallow when it was over." I stole BS's answer because I can't top it.
Q: I need your expertise here. I was lying in bed with my wife one night and she caught me staring at her chest. My wife was blessed with large breasts (which I am thankful for) and she was wearing my Giants Super Bowl championship sweatshirt (that was not meant as a dig). When she asked me what I was staring at, I said, "What? You know I love the Giants." I instantly realized the wonderful double meaning of what I said. Can you think of another team that would have worked as well in this situation? The best I can come up with is the Twins.
-- Dave, New York
I would add the Rockies and the Titans. Definitely the Titans. The far more interesting question, posed by BS, is which teams would be in some way offensive? The obvious choices are the Nuggets and the A's, and I would say the 49ers is kinda funny if you think about.
Q: I'm taking Sports Leadership taught by Charley Casserly at Georgetown next fall. What percentage of the class is going to be on "How to draft a defensive end from N.C. State even when a running back from USC is available"?
-- Rawiri, Washington
Yeah, what a fucking dumbass that Charley Casserly is. I mean he drafted a guy who's made two all-pro teams in his first three years over a guy who averaged almost as many YPC as Deuce McAllister last year! He could have had Pierre Thomas's complement back! Dunce.
Q: If you could choose any athlete (not including Larry Bird) to ghostwrite an autobiography, who would it be? Assume that he or she will be completely candid with you about everything. I bet my brother $10 you will say Charles Oakley. I would pay $100 to read that book!
-- Chris, Mobile, Ala.
Ron Artest is a good answer, but I would pick Ty Cobb. Ty once rushed into the stands to beat up a no-handed heckler. He would drop an N-bomb or two then turn around and go into the dugouts of Negro League teams to talk baseball with the players. He may or may not have killed a man. He was an all-time great baseball player. Ron Artest wasn't shit compared to Crazy Ty Cobb.
Q: I am sure you remember the reality show "Temptation Island" with Mark L. Walberg. My idea is called "The Real Temptation Island." Basically, you find 12 heterosexual guys and put them on an island with 12 strippers, porn stars and escorts. The guys have to go the longest without having sex or even touching a woman sexually (and they have to be masters of their domain). You have two competitions -- the guy who goes the longest wins a prize (say $100K) and the woman who eliminates the most guys wins a prize (say $50K). It would be perfect for cable. Wouldn't Cinemax love it?
-- Dan, New York
GET ME THE PRESIDENT OF FOX RIGHT FUCKING NOW!! (And put an uncensored version on HBO, too.)
Q: How about taking a group of mid-20s guys (I came up with this talking to my friends and we would DEFINITELY be the group) who live in a house with a D-II/D-I women's basketball team, training and getting ready for a big game against the women, complete with trash-talking. It has to be with guys who are ADAMANT that there is no way they could possibly lose to women. Softball, soccer, it could all work.
-- Murph, Livermore, Calif.
I gave up basketball in seventh grade. I played competitive one on one with a member of a women's D-III national championship team. It was about even. I'm pretty sure a decent former high school basketball player could take a D-II women's team. Maybe a bad D-I team. A good D-I team would beat them though, mostly because they would have a team offense and defense.
Q: What if Dr. James Andrews was betting on games? Tim Donaghy just called fouls; Dr. Andrews could remove players for an entire season! This guy has the power to tell someone such as Peyton Manning or Tiger Woods that they need to sit out a year with a bogus surgery. I could just imagine Selig, Goodell, Stern, Bettman and every other owner and commissioner sitting at their desks, writing their resignation letters and wondering: How the hell did James Andrews get the best of us?
-- Kyle Potter, Boston
Always get a second opinion when getting surgery. That's legitimate advice. Also, why would the commissioner's have to resign if James Andrews was screwing over the athletes?
Q: I'm in Hawaii for my fifth anniversary and reading your live draft article and had a thought. When they bring polygamy back, will you be my second wife? My current wife could handle all the sex, cooking, cleaning, and you could just have the responsibility of watching sports with me all day. Sound good?
-- Spencer, Utah
Spencer says "when the bring polygamy back", so he must know something I don't. Apparently gay marriage will be cool, too. Suck it red states.
Q: OK, so it's 2009. Josh Baskin is now roughly 34, the same age as when he was dating Elizabeth Perkins, who's now roughly 50. Did they get back together when he turned 18? Did they look each other up later on in life? Did she realize that she inadvertently had sex with a 13-year-old and become scarred for life, or perhaps just move on and marry someone her own age? Did he realize that she's too old now and he'd rather sleep with hot young chicks? This has been bothering me for hours. To answer your question: Yes, I'm drunk.
-- Andrew, New York
This happened in real life. Google Mary Kay Letorneau. It's some messed up shit.
Q: What unmade movie sequel would you just know would be the worst sequel in history before it even came out? Use the following criteria: (A) Only one movie had been made previously (can't be part 3 or 4); (B) the original is well-loved by almost everyone you know; and (C) you will watch the original 100 percent of the time when it comes on TV even though you've seen it 437 times already.
-- Anthony F, Ontario
Anchorman 2: Oh Wait, This Might Actually Happen. Maybe a sequel could work, but when has a comedy ever had a great sequel?
Q: The guys in my fantasy league were discussing how Al Davis would do as a member of our league and we decided he would finish dead last. Go Raiders!
-- Jeremy H, Jacksonville, Fla.
But would he be worse at fantasy football than Mike Dunleavy is at fantasy basketball or Dusty Baker is at fantasy baseball? What if we got those three, the Pirates GM, Chris Wallace, Matt Millen, and two regular guys together and had them all play a full year of fantasy sports? Would any of those guys finish in the top half of the standings in their respective sports? Would the two average fans ever finish below second place? I say no to both.
Q: My buddies and I returned home today with a few dozen steamed crabs from a beach adventure this past weekend that involved three cougars, two Hooters waitresses and a hotel room that could only be rivaled by the room in "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" or the more recent hotel room fiasco in "The Hangover." After watching four straight hours of the "Entourage" marathon leading up to the Season 6 premiere, we waited for the HBO content screen in anticipation of the "N for nudity" to appear. When it did, we were all thrilled and spent the next 27 minutes trying to figure out who it would be ahead of time (wagers were made and odds went off as such: Sloane 10-1, Meadow Soprano 4-1, Ari's wife 15-1, random Vince slew 1-5). When the episode ended boob-less we then argued about whether the chick Vince had in the Escalade might have actually been naked. As I sit here typing, I am looking at my TV realizing HBO has since changed the content screen to no longer say there is nudity in the episode. This should be either illegal or made good with one of the above three naked in a subsequent episode. What are your thoughts on this shafting HBO put on all of us?
-- Dave, Baltimore
It's official. Bill Simmons's sign off has jumped the shark. When you encourage people to be ridiculous, you get this crap. That's why nobody goes to fmylife.com anymore.
Q: I'm already excited enough when you write a new column. But your new picture? Your bright eyes gazing deep into my face. Your intense glare penetrating into my soul. I not only feel touched by your beautiful words … but also by the inner Bill Simmons. Something more than the sports columnist, some ungraspable, intangible feeling. I am ready to read.
-- Neal R., Oak Park, Ill.
Or crap like this.
Q: I am a recent college graduate who is depressed with the fact that I am no longer in college, and that Kevin Garnett's knees are about as healthy as the current job market. To make up for that fact, I do exactly what I used to do in class at home now -- read the archives of your articles. One of the articles I came across was your 20 worst fans at a baseball game, with No. 1 being the a-hole on his cell phone. I am e-mailing you to say that I did it at a local minor league game a few weeks ago. The guy was so excited to be on Rhode Island public television, and I got so angry that his $12 seat was being consumed by such a jackass. So I walked up, took the phone out of his hand and threw it to the ground. The man was more confused than anything, which was not the reaction I was expecting at all. I am now no longer allowed at PawSox games for the rest of the season. They have my picture. I hope you're happy.
-- Brian F, Rhode Island
Or this. You claim this story as truth Brian F? Shenanigans. Utter shenanigans. And if it is true, well that's probably worse. Moral to my reader(s): Don't be like Brian.
Q: After hearing you and JackO talk about how unfunny athletes really are in a recent podcast, doesn't there need to be a new ratings scale known as "Athlete Funny"? I derived this after I listened to a Cubs fan tell me how funny Ryan Dempster is. Just because you can crack up people on "Cold Pizza" with your Dr. Evil impression (i.e., an impression of an impression) does not make you funny.
-- Chad, Los Angeles
I love arbitrary ratings scales. Use them all the time. A 13 year old version of me and my friends had a way to arbitrarily rate the attractiveness of girls on a 35 point scale. Highly misogynistic and juvenile, but also fairly effective. With all my love for arbitrary ratings and cut-offs I simply cannot justify answering this question. There are four categories of funny people: people who are flat out not funny, pretty people, regurgitaters, and truly funny people. The breakdown is pretty simple, people will always be more willing to laugh at a joke made be someone who is attractive. Regurgitaters are people who can quote a movie at the right time, play up a stereotype, do a good job of ripping off another person's joke, or they can be funny with a set script. They seem kinda funny at first, but eventually you realize that they aren't original. Almost every professional athlete is a regurgitater.
Q: Read your Clips' curse column. As a "Lost" fan, I am surprised you didn't notice that in the very first move of your timeline, the Clippers fired a "Dr. Jack" and replaced him with a "Locke." Coincidence? I think not!
-- Evan, St. Paul, Minn.
Another parallel? All the things that happen involving Lost or the Clippers make no fucking sense. How a show that features time travel, tropical polar bears, and a group of bad guys as generically titled as "The Others" could be taken as a tour de force is as astonishing as the continued existence of a franchise as dysfunctional as the LA Clippers. Also I think Mike Dunleavy is running both of them, because it's clear that shit is just getting made up is it goes along.
Q: Is nobody willing to acknowledge the fact that Ivan Rodriguez and many of his 1990s Rangers teammates were all juicing while President Bush was their owner? That's a story right there.
GET THE HUFFINGTON POST ON THIS STAT!
Q: I'm 18 and just graduated high school. When my college decisions came in in April, I narrowed down my choices to Dartmouth and Princeton and had no idea what to do. Whether it's teenage indecision or my relative laziness, the only thing I could think of was your pure hatred for Princeton. So I chose Dartmouth. You, Bill Simmons, made the biggest decision I have ever made. Most likely, you will be responsible for whatever shenanigans I go through in life. Just wanted to let you know and say thanks.
-- Sam, New York
I've seen a fair amount of tools in my day, but Sam from New York could be the biggest fucking tool in America. He is the tool shed, Batman's tool belt, and the rock band Tool all rolled into one ginormous douche bag. Why Sam wrote this: 1. To say look at me, I got into Dartmouth and Princeton! Good for you Sam, you're clearly a strong student who's super fucking impressed with himself. We had a kid like that in my class. He was very smart and is going to Yale and his senior quote was "Yale 2013". Also, everyone hated him. 2. If you let a sportswriter's dislike of a group of alumni determine where you choose to go to college, you are a pawn. And for the record, kids from Dartmouth have about as bad as a reputation as you can have. Thank you for continuing the tradition Sam.
Q: You wrote that no current celebrity would get the same reaction as Michael Jackson did when he died. What about Oprah? I'm thinking that the entire free world might stop.
-- Tom K., Red Bank, N.J.
Oprah's told a lot of people what to like for a long time and she's done a lot of good work. But Simmons is right when he says it won't be the same because she's not an artist. I don't think they'll show all these great clips of her show. We'll see what happens when Bono dies. He may get canonized. It would be a different kind of stoppage, but it will be big.
Q: It's July 14. Happy Curmudgeon Liberation Day!
-- Corey, Salt Lake City
Let's eat matzah and recount the days when we suffered under the reign of Billy Packer.
Q: I need an official ruling from you. Me and my buddy Lawson have been arguing over the proper title for our obsession with the glory that is hard-throwing Red Sox reliever Daniel Bard. He suggested Bardoner and I countered with Bardner. Recently we have reached an agreement on Bard-on. What do you think?
-- Ethan S., Boston
Bardoner and Bardner don't really make sense, Bard-on is appropriate but not very creative. Like when the Cubs got Rich Harden and people would say I've got a Harden. Would this question have made it if Bard wasn't on the Red Sox? I say no.
Q: Ever messed around with the NBA Trade Machine and tried to determine what trade would give the absolute highest possible increase in John Hollinger's projected wins to a team? Ultimately, I was able to add 58 projected wins to the Knicks by sacking Portland, Cleveland and the Lakers of their valuables. Please don't ask me how long that took. My challenge to you is simple: TOP THAT.
-- Jon, Edison, N.J.
Jon's 58 wins? Not bad. The 66 Bill Simmons picked up? Pretty damn good. But how about an additional 69 victories? I pulled it off. Sadly I can't figure out how to make a hyperlink to my specific trade, only the trade machine front page. But I'll describe it to you. The trade would give the New York Knicks a starting lineup of Tony Parker, Brandon Roy, LeBron James, LaMarcus Aldridge, and Tim Duncan. Manu Ginobli gets to play to his ideal role as a super six man. Jerryd Bayless, Rudy Fernandez, JJ Hickson, Jordan Hill, Darko Milicic, and Toney Douglass are the reserves. I had to trade away everyone I could from the Knicks, but they suck so who cares. And yes my team would beat Bill Simmons's team.
Q: My girlfriend has been making me watch "The Bachelorette" and I'm not even ashamed. Isn't it easily as good as any other Monday night comedy? Plus, there's Jillian and the unending internal debate in my head as to whether she's hot or not. Literally every shot of her evokes a different reaction from me. I'm amazed at how intriguing the show is.
-- Mike B. Brighton, Mass.
I have proudly never watched the bachelorette.
Q: Simmons, you amaze me. You are either the embodiment of the American Dream or a sure sign of Armageddon. You write for ESPN, yet you break no stories, have no sources, offer little analysis. Instead you write superfluous pieces of fluff that are only your half-baked opinion, offer no proof and constantly write about the NBA, the Red Sox and Pats to the exclusion of anything else of substance. To top it off, you seem as mature as a horny, pimply 14-year-old. I don't get it.
-- Rick D, Saint Joseph, Mo.
He also likes to party and bullshit. Don't you ever forget that.
Q: What is your starting lineup of stars from 1992-2008 that you would be shocked to find out used PEDs?
-- (Name accidentally deleted)
Simmons named Jeter and Griffey which I agree with, but I would add Greg Maddux. He threw barely threw 90, which is damn rare for a major league right hander. Imagine if he blew up like Barry Bonds and could suddenly throw 95 on the black over and over again. I have to admit bias though, the Mad Dog was my favorite pitcher growing up and I was at his 3,000th strikeout game which was frickin awesome.
Q: I am a die-hard soccer fan living abroad and agree with your theory that international soccer could take off in the States. But not everyone listens to your podcasts, so could you please make the same case in one of your columns so everyone can see it? I think it's important. Thanks and cheers from the UK!
-- T.J., Leeds, England
International soccer is very cool. Something I like to casually follow but can't really get into because I don't have ties to any teams.
Q: I would like to add an idea to the great things you have suggested to improve NBA officiating: an NBA ombudsman, someone affiliated with the league, but who could sort through complaints (both internal and external) without an agenda, and criticize the league when it needs to be criticized. Le Anne Schreiber did such a great job for ESPN, I would love to see the NBA hire someone to do the same thing.
-- Mike Rensink, San Diego
I love the idea of an ombudsman. Everything should have an ombudsman, from the largest corporation to a group of friends. Think about it. Appoint one person from outside your circle of friends to become your ombudsman for three months. They could help resolve disputes, give honest criticism to people, and provide general analysis on the group's social standing. This person would be required to give a formal state of the group address at the end of his term. Wouldn't this make people better?
Q: Do you think Joe Buck and Tim McCarver look like a couple who live in Sweden and design a currency for cats and dogs?
-- Evan, Boston
Talladega Nights reference. Cool. Keeping up ESPN's disturbing penchant for random Will Ferrell movie quotes.
Q: I watched UFC 100 and was thoroughly entertained. A pretty great night for the UFC, methinks. Then I read all over the Internet that what Brock Lesnar did after his match was unacceptable, unprofessional, etc. Really? It was unacceptable? This is the freaking UFC, not the PGA Tour! Who do they think they are fooling? Can I get you, Sports Guy, to give everyone an official "settle down" on this issue with Lesnar?
-- Tony N., Minneapolis
Flipping off the fans was a bit excessive, but good promotion from Lesnar. Not sure if it was a savvy move or he's just a jag. Either way, everyone's rooting for him to get his ass kicked. Don't be surprised if he gets the Michael Bisping treatment where someone throws in an all out shot to Lesnar's teeth after he's been dropped. Watching that fight, Lesnar should've learned that talking shit is a bad idea in the UFC.
Q: Since DeJuan Blair has no ACLs to tear, what would happen if the Clippers drafted him?
-- Tyler F., St. Louis
"It would be like crossing the streams in "Ghostbusters." Buildings would blow up and Ernie Hudson would be covered in marshmallow when it was over." I stole BS's answer because I can't top it.
Q: I need your expertise here. I was lying in bed with my wife one night and she caught me staring at her chest. My wife was blessed with large breasts (which I am thankful for) and she was wearing my Giants Super Bowl championship sweatshirt (that was not meant as a dig). When she asked me what I was staring at, I said, "What? You know I love the Giants." I instantly realized the wonderful double meaning of what I said. Can you think of another team that would have worked as well in this situation? The best I can come up with is the Twins.
-- Dave, New York
I would add the Rockies and the Titans. Definitely the Titans. The far more interesting question, posed by BS, is which teams would be in some way offensive? The obvious choices are the Nuggets and the A's, and I would say the 49ers is kinda funny if you think about.
Q: I'm taking Sports Leadership taught by Charley Casserly at Georgetown next fall. What percentage of the class is going to be on "How to draft a defensive end from N.C. State even when a running back from USC is available"?
-- Rawiri, Washington
Yeah, what a fucking dumbass that Charley Casserly is. I mean he drafted a guy who's made two all-pro teams in his first three years over a guy who averaged almost as many YPC as Deuce McAllister last year! He could have had Pierre Thomas's complement back! Dunce.
Q: If you could choose any athlete (not including Larry Bird) to ghostwrite an autobiography, who would it be? Assume that he or she will be completely candid with you about everything. I bet my brother $10 you will say Charles Oakley. I would pay $100 to read that book!
-- Chris, Mobile, Ala.
Ron Artest is a good answer, but I would pick Ty Cobb. Ty once rushed into the stands to beat up a no-handed heckler. He would drop an N-bomb or two then turn around and go into the dugouts of Negro League teams to talk baseball with the players. He may or may not have killed a man. He was an all-time great baseball player. Ron Artest wasn't shit compared to Crazy Ty Cobb.
Q: I am sure you remember the reality show "Temptation Island" with Mark L. Walberg. My idea is called "The Real Temptation Island." Basically, you find 12 heterosexual guys and put them on an island with 12 strippers, porn stars and escorts. The guys have to go the longest without having sex or even touching a woman sexually (and they have to be masters of their domain). You have two competitions -- the guy who goes the longest wins a prize (say $100K) and the woman who eliminates the most guys wins a prize (say $50K). It would be perfect for cable. Wouldn't Cinemax love it?
-- Dan, New York
GET ME THE PRESIDENT OF FOX RIGHT FUCKING NOW!! (And put an uncensored version on HBO, too.)
Q: How about taking a group of mid-20s guys (I came up with this talking to my friends and we would DEFINITELY be the group) who live in a house with a D-II/D-I women's basketball team, training and getting ready for a big game against the women, complete with trash-talking. It has to be with guys who are ADAMANT that there is no way they could possibly lose to women. Softball, soccer, it could all work.
-- Murph, Livermore, Calif.
I gave up basketball in seventh grade. I played competitive one on one with a member of a women's D-III national championship team. It was about even. I'm pretty sure a decent former high school basketball player could take a D-II women's team. Maybe a bad D-I team. A good D-I team would beat them though, mostly because they would have a team offense and defense.
Q: What if Dr. James Andrews was betting on games? Tim Donaghy just called fouls; Dr. Andrews could remove players for an entire season! This guy has the power to tell someone such as Peyton Manning or Tiger Woods that they need to sit out a year with a bogus surgery. I could just imagine Selig, Goodell, Stern, Bettman and every other owner and commissioner sitting at their desks, writing their resignation letters and wondering: How the hell did James Andrews get the best of us?
-- Kyle Potter, Boston
Always get a second opinion when getting surgery. That's legitimate advice. Also, why would the commissioner's have to resign if James Andrews was screwing over the athletes?
Q: I'm in Hawaii for my fifth anniversary and reading your live draft article and had a thought. When they bring polygamy back, will you be my second wife? My current wife could handle all the sex, cooking, cleaning, and you could just have the responsibility of watching sports with me all day. Sound good?
-- Spencer, Utah
Spencer says "when the bring polygamy back", so he must know something I don't. Apparently gay marriage will be cool, too. Suck it red states.
Q: OK, so it's 2009. Josh Baskin is now roughly 34, the same age as when he was dating Elizabeth Perkins, who's now roughly 50. Did they get back together when he turned 18? Did they look each other up later on in life? Did she realize that she inadvertently had sex with a 13-year-old and become scarred for life, or perhaps just move on and marry someone her own age? Did he realize that she's too old now and he'd rather sleep with hot young chicks? This has been bothering me for hours. To answer your question: Yes, I'm drunk.
-- Andrew, New York
This happened in real life. Google Mary Kay Letorneau. It's some messed up shit.
Q: What unmade movie sequel would you just know would be the worst sequel in history before it even came out? Use the following criteria: (A) Only one movie had been made previously (can't be part 3 or 4); (B) the original is well-loved by almost everyone you know; and (C) you will watch the original 100 percent of the time when it comes on TV even though you've seen it 437 times already.
-- Anthony F, Ontario
Anchorman 2: Oh Wait, This Might Actually Happen. Maybe a sequel could work, but when has a comedy ever had a great sequel?
Q: The guys in my fantasy league were discussing how Al Davis would do as a member of our league and we decided he would finish dead last. Go Raiders!
-- Jeremy H, Jacksonville, Fla.
But would he be worse at fantasy football than Mike Dunleavy is at fantasy basketball or Dusty Baker is at fantasy baseball? What if we got those three, the Pirates GM, Chris Wallace, Matt Millen, and two regular guys together and had them all play a full year of fantasy sports? Would any of those guys finish in the top half of the standings in their respective sports? Would the two average fans ever finish below second place? I say no to both.
Q: My buddies and I returned home today with a few dozen steamed crabs from a beach adventure this past weekend that involved three cougars, two Hooters waitresses and a hotel room that could only be rivaled by the room in "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" or the more recent hotel room fiasco in "The Hangover." After watching four straight hours of the "Entourage" marathon leading up to the Season 6 premiere, we waited for the HBO content screen in anticipation of the "N for nudity" to appear. When it did, we were all thrilled and spent the next 27 minutes trying to figure out who it would be ahead of time (wagers were made and odds went off as such: Sloane 10-1, Meadow Soprano 4-1, Ari's wife 15-1, random Vince slew 1-5). When the episode ended boob-less we then argued about whether the chick Vince had in the Escalade might have actually been naked. As I sit here typing, I am looking at my TV realizing HBO has since changed the content screen to no longer say there is nudity in the episode. This should be either illegal or made good with one of the above three naked in a subsequent episode. What are your thoughts on this shafting HBO put on all of us?
-- Dave, Baltimore
It's official. Bill Simmons's sign off has jumped the shark. When you encourage people to be ridiculous, you get this crap. That's why nobody goes to fmylife.com anymore.
Q: I'm already excited enough when you write a new column. But your new picture? Your bright eyes gazing deep into my face. Your intense glare penetrating into my soul. I not only feel touched by your beautiful words … but also by the inner Bill Simmons. Something more than the sports columnist, some ungraspable, intangible feeling. I am ready to read.
-- Neal R., Oak Park, Ill.
Or crap like this.
Q: I am a recent college graduate who is depressed with the fact that I am no longer in college, and that Kevin Garnett's knees are about as healthy as the current job market. To make up for that fact, I do exactly what I used to do in class at home now -- read the archives of your articles. One of the articles I came across was your 20 worst fans at a baseball game, with No. 1 being the a-hole on his cell phone. I am e-mailing you to say that I did it at a local minor league game a few weeks ago. The guy was so excited to be on Rhode Island public television, and I got so angry that his $12 seat was being consumed by such a jackass. So I walked up, took the phone out of his hand and threw it to the ground. The man was more confused than anything, which was not the reaction I was expecting at all. I am now no longer allowed at PawSox games for the rest of the season. They have my picture. I hope you're happy.
-- Brian F, Rhode Island
Or this. You claim this story as truth Brian F? Shenanigans. Utter shenanigans. And if it is true, well that's probably worse. Moral to my reader(s): Don't be like Brian.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Rebuttal: It Is Actually You Who Sucks
Rick Morrissey decided that the death of Hall Of Fame sports journalist was the perfect opportunity to bring up how much bloggers suck. I accepted the bait.
The first few paragraphs are just some simple nostalgia, credence to a widely respected sportswriter. Then Morrissey pours the hater-ade:
The display features photographs of Holtzman actually interviewing ballplayers and managers, something the blogosphere mostly indicates is too much of a bother and, more to the point, unnecessary.
First of all, what makes a person assume bloggers don't want access to the subject that they're covering? Of course I want access. I would love to go one-on-one with Ozzie or Sweet Lou. I just don't have it. And really how important is it interview a person to know what kind of baseball player or manager he is? You can see what kind of a player or manager or a guy is by watching them on TV. You will learn some interesting things behind the thought process through interviews, but it's really not necessary in analyzing a baseball game.
What matters, we're told, is having an opinion, and the louder, the better. Let somebody else do the dirty work.
Quick think of 5 sports journalists. Any 5. Done? Good. If you thought of Jay Mariotti, Skip Bayless, Greg Easterbrook, Stephen A Smith, Jemele Hill, Jason Whitlock, Ken Rosenthal, Gene Wojomojojojo, Rick Reilly, Scoop Jackson, Woody Paige, Uberdouche Colin Cowherd, or Peter King, you just thought of a prominent professional journalist who occasionally/frequently takes up preposterously over the top positions for the sake of creating a discussion. I didn't even bother including former players. And that's basically a fucking who's who of sports media. I wouldn't say this is the pot calling the kettle black, mostly because RIck Morrissey isn't qualified to be a pot.
The display reminded me of how important the work of baseball beat writers is.
This sentence looks like it was written by a fifth grader. Just really awkward writing. Try: The display reminded me of the importance of baseball's beat writers.
If you look inside a press box these days, you'll see a lot more empty seats than you would have even five years ago as newspapers continue to scale back in a difficult economy.
If you look anywhere these days, you'll see less people than there once was. It's a recession, bitches.
But traditional media still shovel the coal of information into the fire that drives the engine of Internet news.
I agree to an extent. I form a fair amount of my sports opinions bases on in depth statistics that are not kept by traditional media. For interviews, breaking news, and personal pieces, I still trust traditional media. But the line is getting blurred between what's a traditional outlet and what is an internet news outlet. And that's not to say an internet news site couldn't capably fill that traditional role. But yeah, traditional media still does a lot of the grunt work.
The Internet people will tell you that the steam-engine imagery is perfect for a dying industry.
Weird sentence again. Even weirder because Morrissey ends the paragraph here.
Perhaps, but picking up the telephone, asking the right questions of the right people, gathering information and writing a clear, informative story is no small thing.
I will always be more impressed by thoughtful, in-depth analysis supported by evidence. Often, these clear informative stories can be fully explained by their byline.
It's what Holtzman did day after day, year after year for the Sun-Times and Tribune.
He went to the ballpark to talk with people. He did not thrum his fingers on a desk and wait for someone else to do his work for him. His opinion was informed by the reporting he did.
Good, we could use more reporters like him.
The same can be said of some of the writers at the bigger sports Web sites, including ESPN.com.
Absolutely not. No. A thousand times, no. Guys I like at ESPN: Hollinger, Simmons, Law, Clayton, Kurkjian, and sometimes Chadiha. Of those guys, Hollinger and Law are total stat nerds and Simmons is really just a glorified blogger (gasp!). I only like three of the more "traditional" writers. You can scroll back up earlier for some names I don't particularly like, keep in mind that I don't dislike all of them. I definitely respect Bayless and Whitlock, who at least seem to really love sports.
But there was a relentlessness to Holtzman and others like him that you won't find in a standard blog.
If bloggers are anything, any one thing in the world, they are relentless. We have nothing better to do because we don't have jobs, or access to the sports we discuss, and we live in our mothers' basements.
Those bloggers don't have the access the mainstream media have, and I'm convinced many of them don't want it. They want to opine.
Ok, honestly, what the fuck does me having the ability to talk to Kobe Bryant have to do with me being able to analyze his skills at basketball? Yes I like to know that Tim Tebow does a lot of charity work or some of the incredible hardships Aaron Curry went through. There are some incredible stories that I like knowing. But having that access doesn't change the person's on field performance and any blog that talks about an athlete off the field probably deserves to be ignored. So you guys do your personal interest pieces, and I'll form my own opinions. And really, it's kind of a snobbish fuck you to say that we're undeserving of opinions because we don't have access to players or journalism school degrees.
Nothing wrong with that. But just know what you're getting, Mr. And Mrs. News Consumer.
Why would you say there's nothing wrong with the opinion of bloggers, then not subtly hint that there is some defect of quality in it? Just say you don't like bloggers. I'm not sure how you can say that, because it's an incredibly large and diverse group of people, but if that's the way you feel, that's the way you feel. There are many completely idiotic blogs that deserve to be shut down and their creators are deserving of a kick in the ass. There are also some really good blogs out there. This is because they are representative of common fans. Some common fans are assholes, others are knowledgeable.
What the best baseball writers do is not as important as the work of the reporters who keep tabs on government officials. But they see it as their duty to keep you informed, and everyone is better off because of it.
And bloggers keep you guys in check by preventing you from becoming sycophants and puppets to the teams you cover. So really we could say everybody is better off because of us, too. Or we could cut the self-important bullshit. Whatever.
The smart people understand this. Guillen understands. At the unveiling, he talked for several minutes about the importance of the media to baseball. He tells his players that reporters are the conduit between the sport and the public.
He tells them this knowing that the media-athlete relationship sometimes is adversarial. And yet he carries on, knowing his sport would be a lesser thing without responsible coverage.
The coverage is not always responsible. Remember the whole steroid era? Where even as 12 year old kids, we would discuss who we knew was juicing, yet there were very few people challenging suspected users (except Rick Reilly, who called Sammy Sosa on his shenanigans). And I don't really mind that we let the steroid era happen, but I do flip shit when baseball writers pretend they were some poor innocent lambs who were duped by the stars they fawned over. Yes I agree that the sport is lesser without responsible coverage, I disagree with Morrissey presenting the current coverage as responsible.
I know all of this sounds self-serving coming from a newspaper writer, but it's also community-serving.
It sounds incredibly self-serving.
The idea is for everyone to be as informed as they can be. I look at the shrinking newspaper industry and know it can't possibly be the case.
Such a dumb comment. Would you prefer the days when William Randolph Hearst could start a war with his yellow journalism? A strong newspaper industry is in no way an indication of a well informed public. I would in fact argue that blogs are extremely helpful in informing the public. They provide more people with the opportunity to be heard, and the more sides and aspects you have on a story, the more accurate a representation you have.
I look at Holtzman's display not as a glorification of the good, old days but as a reminder that the best information comes firsthand and from hard work.
Reinsdorf likes to tell the story of being frustrated with media coverage of him at one point and Holtzman telling him that, if he felt so strongly about it, he should stop talking with reporters.
We writers chuckle to ourselves about the story because we see Holtzman's advice as at least partially self-serving; like any good reporter, he didn't want to share a source with everyone else. What better way than to have Reinsdorf issue himself a gag order?
The next blogger with that kind of access will be the first.
I resent the sentiment that because I do not personally know Jerry Reinsdorf that I am somehow less qualified to provide sports commentary than the incredibly self-important Rick Morrissey.
Sunday will be the one-year anniversary of Holtzman's death. Inside his display are a World Series press pin, some promotional material the Tribune used while he was the paper's national baseball writer and a book about the Sox's 2005 World Series title that includes a foreword by him. I hope you have the opportunity to see it.
I hope you see those photos of a journalist working.
Then maybe one day I'll bring my son to the exhibit, and say "See that's what a real writer looked like", right before we are clubbed and beaten by a group of roaming rabid bloggers. Because they are out to destroy the notion of sports journalism as we know it.
The first few paragraphs are just some simple nostalgia, credence to a widely respected sportswriter. Then Morrissey pours the hater-ade:
The display features photographs of Holtzman actually interviewing ballplayers and managers, something the blogosphere mostly indicates is too much of a bother and, more to the point, unnecessary.
First of all, what makes a person assume bloggers don't want access to the subject that they're covering? Of course I want access. I would love to go one-on-one with Ozzie or Sweet Lou. I just don't have it. And really how important is it interview a person to know what kind of baseball player or manager he is? You can see what kind of a player or manager or a guy is by watching them on TV. You will learn some interesting things behind the thought process through interviews, but it's really not necessary in analyzing a baseball game.
What matters, we're told, is having an opinion, and the louder, the better. Let somebody else do the dirty work.
Quick think of 5 sports journalists. Any 5. Done? Good. If you thought of Jay Mariotti, Skip Bayless, Greg Easterbrook, Stephen A Smith, Jemele Hill, Jason Whitlock, Ken Rosenthal, Gene Wojomojojojo, Rick Reilly, Scoop Jackson, Woody Paige, Uberdouche Colin Cowherd, or Peter King, you just thought of a prominent professional journalist who occasionally/frequently takes up preposterously over the top positions for the sake of creating a discussion. I didn't even bother including former players. And that's basically a fucking who's who of sports media. I wouldn't say this is the pot calling the kettle black, mostly because RIck Morrissey isn't qualified to be a pot.
The display reminded me of how important the work of baseball beat writers is.
This sentence looks like it was written by a fifth grader. Just really awkward writing. Try: The display reminded me of the importance of baseball's beat writers.
If you look inside a press box these days, you'll see a lot more empty seats than you would have even five years ago as newspapers continue to scale back in a difficult economy.
If you look anywhere these days, you'll see less people than there once was. It's a recession, bitches.
But traditional media still shovel the coal of information into the fire that drives the engine of Internet news.
I agree to an extent. I form a fair amount of my sports opinions bases on in depth statistics that are not kept by traditional media. For interviews, breaking news, and personal pieces, I still trust traditional media. But the line is getting blurred between what's a traditional outlet and what is an internet news outlet. And that's not to say an internet news site couldn't capably fill that traditional role. But yeah, traditional media still does a lot of the grunt work.
The Internet people will tell you that the steam-engine imagery is perfect for a dying industry.
Weird sentence again. Even weirder because Morrissey ends the paragraph here.
Perhaps, but picking up the telephone, asking the right questions of the right people, gathering information and writing a clear, informative story is no small thing.
I will always be more impressed by thoughtful, in-depth analysis supported by evidence. Often, these clear informative stories can be fully explained by their byline.
It's what Holtzman did day after day, year after year for the Sun-Times and Tribune.
He went to the ballpark to talk with people. He did not thrum his fingers on a desk and wait for someone else to do his work for him. His opinion was informed by the reporting he did.
Good, we could use more reporters like him.
The same can be said of some of the writers at the bigger sports Web sites, including ESPN.com.
Absolutely not. No. A thousand times, no. Guys I like at ESPN: Hollinger, Simmons, Law, Clayton, Kurkjian, and sometimes Chadiha. Of those guys, Hollinger and Law are total stat nerds and Simmons is really just a glorified blogger (gasp!). I only like three of the more "traditional" writers. You can scroll back up earlier for some names I don't particularly like, keep in mind that I don't dislike all of them. I definitely respect Bayless and Whitlock, who at least seem to really love sports.
But there was a relentlessness to Holtzman and others like him that you won't find in a standard blog.
If bloggers are anything, any one thing in the world, they are relentless. We have nothing better to do because we don't have jobs, or access to the sports we discuss, and we live in our mothers' basements.
Those bloggers don't have the access the mainstream media have, and I'm convinced many of them don't want it. They want to opine.
Ok, honestly, what the fuck does me having the ability to talk to Kobe Bryant have to do with me being able to analyze his skills at basketball? Yes I like to know that Tim Tebow does a lot of charity work or some of the incredible hardships Aaron Curry went through. There are some incredible stories that I like knowing. But having that access doesn't change the person's on field performance and any blog that talks about an athlete off the field probably deserves to be ignored. So you guys do your personal interest pieces, and I'll form my own opinions. And really, it's kind of a snobbish fuck you to say that we're undeserving of opinions because we don't have access to players or journalism school degrees.
Nothing wrong with that. But just know what you're getting, Mr. And Mrs. News Consumer.
Why would you say there's nothing wrong with the opinion of bloggers, then not subtly hint that there is some defect of quality in it? Just say you don't like bloggers. I'm not sure how you can say that, because it's an incredibly large and diverse group of people, but if that's the way you feel, that's the way you feel. There are many completely idiotic blogs that deserve to be shut down and their creators are deserving of a kick in the ass. There are also some really good blogs out there. This is because they are representative of common fans. Some common fans are assholes, others are knowledgeable.
What the best baseball writers do is not as important as the work of the reporters who keep tabs on government officials. But they see it as their duty to keep you informed, and everyone is better off because of it.
And bloggers keep you guys in check by preventing you from becoming sycophants and puppets to the teams you cover. So really we could say everybody is better off because of us, too. Or we could cut the self-important bullshit. Whatever.
The smart people understand this. Guillen understands. At the unveiling, he talked for several minutes about the importance of the media to baseball. He tells his players that reporters are the conduit between the sport and the public.
He tells them this knowing that the media-athlete relationship sometimes is adversarial. And yet he carries on, knowing his sport would be a lesser thing without responsible coverage.
The coverage is not always responsible. Remember the whole steroid era? Where even as 12 year old kids, we would discuss who we knew was juicing, yet there were very few people challenging suspected users (except Rick Reilly, who called Sammy Sosa on his shenanigans). And I don't really mind that we let the steroid era happen, but I do flip shit when baseball writers pretend they were some poor innocent lambs who were duped by the stars they fawned over. Yes I agree that the sport is lesser without responsible coverage, I disagree with Morrissey presenting the current coverage as responsible.
I know all of this sounds self-serving coming from a newspaper writer, but it's also community-serving.
It sounds incredibly self-serving.
The idea is for everyone to be as informed as they can be. I look at the shrinking newspaper industry and know it can't possibly be the case.
Such a dumb comment. Would you prefer the days when William Randolph Hearst could start a war with his yellow journalism? A strong newspaper industry is in no way an indication of a well informed public. I would in fact argue that blogs are extremely helpful in informing the public. They provide more people with the opportunity to be heard, and the more sides and aspects you have on a story, the more accurate a representation you have.
I look at Holtzman's display not as a glorification of the good, old days but as a reminder that the best information comes firsthand and from hard work.
Reinsdorf likes to tell the story of being frustrated with media coverage of him at one point and Holtzman telling him that, if he felt so strongly about it, he should stop talking with reporters.
We writers chuckle to ourselves about the story because we see Holtzman's advice as at least partially self-serving; like any good reporter, he didn't want to share a source with everyone else. What better way than to have Reinsdorf issue himself a gag order?
The next blogger with that kind of access will be the first.
I resent the sentiment that because I do not personally know Jerry Reinsdorf that I am somehow less qualified to provide sports commentary than the incredibly self-important Rick Morrissey.
Sunday will be the one-year anniversary of Holtzman's death. Inside his display are a World Series press pin, some promotional material the Tribune used while he was the paper's national baseball writer and a book about the Sox's 2005 World Series title that includes a foreword by him. I hope you have the opportunity to see it.
I hope you see those photos of a journalist working.
Then maybe one day I'll bring my son to the exhibit, and say "See that's what a real writer looked like", right before we are clubbed and beaten by a group of roaming rabid bloggers. Because they are out to destroy the notion of sports journalism as we know it.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Steve McNair
I'd like to give a brief tribute to the man who for a short period of time, made me a Tennessee Titans fan. I still remember when he was too beat up to practice but still came out every Sunday and absolutely did work. I don't know what he was like off the field, but on the field he was everything you wanted in a quarterback.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Ben Gordon Departs
And then this happens.
Has Ben: Time was up for one-dimensional star
BY CAROL SLEZAK
Print media has a love affair with puns in their headlines. This is why it is dying.
Ben Gordon is moving to Detroit, and you just know he's going to explode for 40 points the next time the Bulls play the Pistons. And when he does, many angry Bulls fans will complain that he never should have been allowed to leave.
Damn straight. Never let a guy who can put up 40 go for nothing. Seems to me that these fans are reasonable people.
Natural born shooters are a rare commodity in today's NBA, and when you're lucky enough to have a guy who can shoot like Gordon, you must keep him.
Do you feel what's coming? Carol is setting up a whammy. Pat Benatar me, Carol.
Not so fast, folks.
WHAMMY!
There is another side to this debate. In truth, Gordon was often a liability for the Bulls. He has never had any interest in playing defense,
You are correct in saying that there is another side to this debate. However that side is wrong. To say he has never had any interest in playing defense is bullshit. Every time a black player takes too many shots on offense, and Gordon can definitely be a ball hog, he gets labeled as lazy on defense. Every last time. On the flipside, offensibely mediocre white guys almost always get labeled as gritty defenders. Kind of like Kirk Hinrich. Both players are considered combo guards, except Kirk Hinrich gets extolled for being able to ably defend two positions while ignoramuses like Carol Slezak proclaim Ben Gordon has never cared to play defense in his professional career. The following are Kirk Hinrich and Ben Gordon's counterpart production on a 48 minute basis at SG:
FGA eFG% FTA iFG Reb Ast T/O Blk PF Pts PER*
Kirk-15.4 0.494 5.1 27% 5.1 3.9 2.3 0.3 3.8 19.5 16.0
Ben -16.9 0.504 4.3 27% 5.1 4.3 2.4 0.5 3.4 20.6 15.4
Look, I don't love basketball sabremetrics. It's not baseball where one guy accounts for his performance and nobody else's (with the exception of a catcher calling pitches). There are 9 other guys out there who all influence one player's production. But these numbers, even taken with the massive grain of salt, show that losing Gordon and replacing him with a supposedly solid defender won't make much of a difference on the defensive end. It will make an impact on the offensive end where Gordon averages 27.1 points per 48 and Kirk averages 18.2.
his ballhandling skills are non-existent
His ballhandling (snicker) does kind of suck. But we have Derrick Rose to handle the ball and get Ben the open looks that he always knocks down. That's part of the fun of having Derrick Rose.
and he's too small to be a bona fide NBA shooting guard.
No. Of all the arguments against resigning Ben Gordon, this is by far the stupidest. He put up 21 points per game and shot a damn good percentage from both within and beyond the ark. His height is not affecting his ability to get his shot off. As shown by facts earlier in this post, it doesn't particularly affect his defense. It doesn't affect his passing. Ray Allen is 6'5" and Ben grabbed just as many rebounds as him last year. Ben battled him to a stand-still in the NBA playoffs last year. They are two comparable players, yet nobody ever says Ray Allen isn't worth the 19 (!) million he's paid. People should say that because he's not, but they don't because Ray was fortunate enough to have KG on his team. Yes Ray shoots a higher percentage, but the Celtics have more offensive threats than the Bulls do and that gets Ray more open looks.
When he was hot, he could carry the Bulls. When he wasn't hot, he could be a burden.
He was hot more often than not. He often carried the Bulls. Because he is very good at basketball.
After five seasons, the Bulls knew what they were going to get from Gordon, good and bad. He'd give them about 18 points a game, and give up at least that many on the defensive end.
Facts refute this statement. Slezak: Facts :: Transformers 2: Cinema. Meaning the first and third objects hate and seek to destroy everything the second and fourth objects represent.
There was plenty to like about him, but in the end he had only one dimension to his game. He was a specialist. Should a specialist make $11 million a season?
Yes, if they are very good at their specialty. Like Ray Allen or a top tier brain surgeon is.
And can a specialist who wants the ball every trip down the court play side-by-side with Derrick Rose, who needs to have the ball in his hands?
Yes again. Because Derrick Rose likes to drive and kick and Ben likes to shoot open shots. Derrick is a creator and Ben is a finisher. They are complementary players. Why is this difficult to understand?
Those were the questions the Bulls were facing. Luxury tax implications aside, that's what this decision came down to.
No. Basketball issues aside, this decision came down to luxury tax implications. Jerry Reinsdorf doesn't care to spend money on the Bulls. This article is about to set a Guiness record in the category of wrong.
The Pistons apparently believe Gordon is worth it. He has agreed to a five-year, $55 million deal with them.
The Pistons are in fact, screwed. They have 3 shoot first guards in Stuckey, Gordon, and Hamilton and a power forward who also needs a lot of touches in Villanueva. This of course ignores Tayshuan Prince who's actually a good offensive player who deserves more touches and instead will be getting less. Ben is a good piece on a team with an unselfish point guard and low post players who can protect the rim. The Pistons don't have any of that.
The Bulls, who once offered Gordon $50 million over five years, no longer value his contributions so highly. You can be sure that Rose's incredible rookie season made their decision easier. In some ways, Rose's emergence made this decision necessary.
I bet the conversation between GM Gar Foreman and John Paxson went exactly like this:
GF: John, what do you think resigning Ben Gordon? He's a hell of a good shooter but his game is kind of flawed.
JP: Well I pissed him off last year by offering a contract and then rescinding it when he accepted, so that's not gonna help. But it's ok though. Because thanks to my brilliant drafting strategy, we have Derrick Rose. A true point guard who creates open looks for his teammates.
GF: Yeah Derrick's abilities could really help Ben reach the next level. They could be a great backcourt tandem, add a good power forward and this may be a championship team.
JP: No dummy, Ben Gordon taking and making shots hinders Derrick's growth. Derrick's a second year player now, it's time he became the sole bearer of this team's offensive burden.
GF: Of course, how could I be so blind. Surrounding good players with other good players doesn't improve their game. Derrick needs more shot opportunities. I don't care if he took 15 shots per game last year for second most among rookies. I don't care if he's only 19, playing in a system run by what appears to be a cardboard cut out of Luke Wilson making his confused face. It doesn't matter if he's a a true point guard who isn't necessarily looking to score first. I won't be satisfied until he's jacking up 20 shots a game with defenses collapsing on him everytime he steps inside the three point arc.
JP: You learn quickly, grasshopper. Now, to the batmobile!
Paxson dashes off while Foreman calls Carol Slezak to explain this breakthrough in team building logic.
Gordon never was an easy fit with Rose. With Gordon firing up shots at every opportunity, Rose often was left standing flat-footed, watching him. At times Rose seemed to become a spectator.
Early in the season yes. Then they jelled and played the Celtics every bit as tough as the Orlando Magic, who went to the NBA finals. Think about it. Bulls get a break or two against the Celtics and advance. They can compete with the Magic and the Cavs and really are already part of the East's top teams. Resign Gordon and make a trade and you're a perennial contender. That's how you move forward. Instead of sitting back with a thumb up the ass hoping Dwyane Wade will join us in 2010.
Although he was best suited coming off the bench, to score in bunches, Gordon viewed himself as a starter.
Gordon repeatedly said he wouldn't mind coming off the bench. The coach viewed him as a starter.
He also viewed himself as a team leader.
He tried his best to act like one, too. Management really pulled together to act like one big collective douche to him. Who's leading this team? Vinny? Pax? Hinrich? Rose? Joakim? Tyrus? Tim Thomas? Luol? Lindsay Hunter? Seriously, who stepped up to be a leader on this team?
Gordon has never lacked confidence, and there's nothing wrong with that. But in reality, the Bulls are now Rose's team. They will miss Gordon's scoring in the short-term, but it was time for him to move on.
Rose needs help. Help Rose. Help me. Please?
Has Ben: Time was up for one-dimensional star
BY CAROL SLEZAK
Print media has a love affair with puns in their headlines. This is why it is dying.
Ben Gordon is moving to Detroit, and you just know he's going to explode for 40 points the next time the Bulls play the Pistons. And when he does, many angry Bulls fans will complain that he never should have been allowed to leave.
Damn straight. Never let a guy who can put up 40 go for nothing. Seems to me that these fans are reasonable people.
Natural born shooters are a rare commodity in today's NBA, and when you're lucky enough to have a guy who can shoot like Gordon, you must keep him.
Do you feel what's coming? Carol is setting up a whammy. Pat Benatar me, Carol.
Not so fast, folks.
WHAMMY!
There is another side to this debate. In truth, Gordon was often a liability for the Bulls. He has never had any interest in playing defense,
You are correct in saying that there is another side to this debate. However that side is wrong. To say he has never had any interest in playing defense is bullshit. Every time a black player takes too many shots on offense, and Gordon can definitely be a ball hog, he gets labeled as lazy on defense. Every last time. On the flipside, offensibely mediocre white guys almost always get labeled as gritty defenders. Kind of like Kirk Hinrich. Both players are considered combo guards, except Kirk Hinrich gets extolled for being able to ably defend two positions while ignoramuses like Carol Slezak proclaim Ben Gordon has never cared to play defense in his professional career. The following are Kirk Hinrich and Ben Gordon's counterpart production on a 48 minute basis at SG:
FGA eFG% FTA iFG Reb Ast T/O Blk PF Pts PER*
Kirk-15.4 0.494 5.1 27% 5.1 3.9 2.3 0.3 3.8 19.5 16.0
Ben -16.9 0.504 4.3 27% 5.1 4.3 2.4 0.5 3.4 20.6 15.4
Look, I don't love basketball sabremetrics. It's not baseball where one guy accounts for his performance and nobody else's (with the exception of a catcher calling pitches). There are 9 other guys out there who all influence one player's production. But these numbers, even taken with the massive grain of salt, show that losing Gordon and replacing him with a supposedly solid defender won't make much of a difference on the defensive end. It will make an impact on the offensive end where Gordon averages 27.1 points per 48 and Kirk averages 18.2.
his ballhandling skills are non-existent
His ballhandling (snicker) does kind of suck. But we have Derrick Rose to handle the ball and get Ben the open looks that he always knocks down. That's part of the fun of having Derrick Rose.
and he's too small to be a bona fide NBA shooting guard.
No. Of all the arguments against resigning Ben Gordon, this is by far the stupidest. He put up 21 points per game and shot a damn good percentage from both within and beyond the ark. His height is not affecting his ability to get his shot off. As shown by facts earlier in this post, it doesn't particularly affect his defense. It doesn't affect his passing. Ray Allen is 6'5" and Ben grabbed just as many rebounds as him last year. Ben battled him to a stand-still in the NBA playoffs last year. They are two comparable players, yet nobody ever says Ray Allen isn't worth the 19 (!) million he's paid. People should say that because he's not, but they don't because Ray was fortunate enough to have KG on his team. Yes Ray shoots a higher percentage, but the Celtics have more offensive threats than the Bulls do and that gets Ray more open looks.
When he was hot, he could carry the Bulls. When he wasn't hot, he could be a burden.
He was hot more often than not. He often carried the Bulls. Because he is very good at basketball.
After five seasons, the Bulls knew what they were going to get from Gordon, good and bad. He'd give them about 18 points a game, and give up at least that many on the defensive end.
Facts refute this statement. Slezak: Facts :: Transformers 2: Cinema. Meaning the first and third objects hate and seek to destroy everything the second and fourth objects represent.
There was plenty to like about him, but in the end he had only one dimension to his game. He was a specialist. Should a specialist make $11 million a season?
Yes, if they are very good at their specialty. Like Ray Allen or a top tier brain surgeon is.
And can a specialist who wants the ball every trip down the court play side-by-side with Derrick Rose, who needs to have the ball in his hands?
Yes again. Because Derrick Rose likes to drive and kick and Ben likes to shoot open shots. Derrick is a creator and Ben is a finisher. They are complementary players. Why is this difficult to understand?
Those were the questions the Bulls were facing. Luxury tax implications aside, that's what this decision came down to.
No. Basketball issues aside, this decision came down to luxury tax implications. Jerry Reinsdorf doesn't care to spend money on the Bulls. This article is about to set a Guiness record in the category of wrong.
The Pistons apparently believe Gordon is worth it. He has agreed to a five-year, $55 million deal with them.
The Pistons are in fact, screwed. They have 3 shoot first guards in Stuckey, Gordon, and Hamilton and a power forward who also needs a lot of touches in Villanueva. This of course ignores Tayshuan Prince who's actually a good offensive player who deserves more touches and instead will be getting less. Ben is a good piece on a team with an unselfish point guard and low post players who can protect the rim. The Pistons don't have any of that.
The Bulls, who once offered Gordon $50 million over five years, no longer value his contributions so highly. You can be sure that Rose's incredible rookie season made their decision easier. In some ways, Rose's emergence made this decision necessary.
I bet the conversation between GM Gar Foreman and John Paxson went exactly like this:
GF: John, what do you think resigning Ben Gordon? He's a hell of a good shooter but his game is kind of flawed.
JP: Well I pissed him off last year by offering a contract and then rescinding it when he accepted, so that's not gonna help. But it's ok though. Because thanks to my brilliant drafting strategy, we have Derrick Rose. A true point guard who creates open looks for his teammates.
GF: Yeah Derrick's abilities could really help Ben reach the next level. They could be a great backcourt tandem, add a good power forward and this may be a championship team.
JP: No dummy, Ben Gordon taking and making shots hinders Derrick's growth. Derrick's a second year player now, it's time he became the sole bearer of this team's offensive burden.
GF: Of course, how could I be so blind. Surrounding good players with other good players doesn't improve their game. Derrick needs more shot opportunities. I don't care if he took 15 shots per game last year for second most among rookies. I don't care if he's only 19, playing in a system run by what appears to be a cardboard cut out of Luke Wilson making his confused face. It doesn't matter if he's a a true point guard who isn't necessarily looking to score first. I won't be satisfied until he's jacking up 20 shots a game with defenses collapsing on him everytime he steps inside the three point arc.
JP: You learn quickly, grasshopper. Now, to the batmobile!
Paxson dashes off while Foreman calls Carol Slezak to explain this breakthrough in team building logic.
Gordon never was an easy fit with Rose. With Gordon firing up shots at every opportunity, Rose often was left standing flat-footed, watching him. At times Rose seemed to become a spectator.
Early in the season yes. Then they jelled and played the Celtics every bit as tough as the Orlando Magic, who went to the NBA finals. Think about it. Bulls get a break or two against the Celtics and advance. They can compete with the Magic and the Cavs and really are already part of the East's top teams. Resign Gordon and make a trade and you're a perennial contender. That's how you move forward. Instead of sitting back with a thumb up the ass hoping Dwyane Wade will join us in 2010.
Although he was best suited coming off the bench, to score in bunches, Gordon viewed himself as a starter.
Gordon repeatedly said he wouldn't mind coming off the bench. The coach viewed him as a starter.
He also viewed himself as a team leader.
He tried his best to act like one, too. Management really pulled together to act like one big collective douche to him. Who's leading this team? Vinny? Pax? Hinrich? Rose? Joakim? Tyrus? Tim Thomas? Luol? Lindsay Hunter? Seriously, who stepped up to be a leader on this team?
Gordon has never lacked confidence, and there's nothing wrong with that. But in reality, the Bulls are now Rose's team. They will miss Gordon's scoring in the short-term, but it was time for him to move on.
Rose needs help. Help Rose. Help me. Please?
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
This Is Why I Don't Watch Around The Horn
Followed by why I don't feel so bad about watching it this time, followed by why I may track down and beat Tony Realli with my shoes.
While arguing whether or not Albert Pujols would be the single-season home run king if he hit 62 home runs this year, JA Adande said this in the most matter-of-fact way conceivable:
People want to pretend to close their eyes and pretend that the steroids era never happened, but it did. You can't do that. You have to recognize Barry Bonds as the home run king.
If you're going to blindly recognize Barry Bonds as the home run king, that's pretending he never took steroids. If you do that for guys like Sosa, McGwire, etc. that would be pretending the steroid era never happened. So JA is arguing that you can't pretend the steroid era never happened, while tacitly pretending the steroid era never happened. Bold.
Tony Realli unleashed this (paraphrased) piece of terrible:
Like it or not baseball wasn't testing for steroids back then. You can't say he cheated because he didn't test positive for steroids. Maybe he cheated, but you can't blame him because baseball wasn't looking for steroid users. So it really wasn't illegal.
Jackie Mac called him out on using semantics, which he is. Tony responded by saying "Well is it semantics or is it accurate?". Jackie Mac probably then responded "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING RIGHT NOW?" but they edited that out. Here are the problems with Tony's argument:
-Steroids are illegal in the United States. Baseball does not need to ban a substance that is illegal in the United States. So yes steroids really were illegal in baseball.
-Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, and the Big Mac are not culpable for not cheaters because baseball wasn't testing them and they weren't caught. Maybe in an American court of law this argument works, or maybe not depending on Bonds's perjury trial, but not for recognizing record holders. Allow me an analogy: Let's say a man beats his wife. You can see all the bruises, typical marks, etc. It is painfully obvious to all involved. Do you need the police to come in and arrest him before you decide that he's a bad husband? I don't.
- Only a contrarian shitheel would make this argument. Everybody knows Bonds, Sosa, and McGwire cheated. To say that they might not have is the kind of attitude that got baseball in this mess in the first place. Instead of debating whether or not they cheated, debate whether or not 73 dirty homers is better than 62 clean ones. That's a legitimate debate.
After fervently whipping me and Jack Mac into a mode of attack (pure poetry there folks), they switched into an uninteresting debate over what it meant that Lou Piniella was voted the least popular manager in baseball. That led to this:
Woody Paige: "It doesn't matter that Lou Piniella was voted the least popular manager in baseball. I was voted the worst sports columnist in Denver. It just means people are talking about you."
Tim Cowpie: "When was this Woody?"
Woody Paige: "Ummm… about two weeks ago."
Kudos Woody, you finally won an award you've deserved a long time. As for the poll, who gives a shit. The only players that have to like you are the ones on your team.
And back to why I hate ATH, courtesy of the artist formerly known as stat boy:
"Don't blame Bonds for not getting caught. Blame baseball."
Bonds is a perjury trial away from getting caught. I don't have to give him a reprieve because baseball didn't care to catch him or was too incompetent to do so. If a little kid is a turd and his parents don't care to punish him, the kid is still a turd. The parents are turds, too. And so are the people who make excuses for the kid's lousy behavior. Do you see what I'm getting at?
I would declare Albert Pujols's 62 as the single-season record. Yes he could be cheating, but he's only put on 20 pounds since his rookie year. A-Rod has put on 38. Barry Bonds has put on 50. Based on those numbers, I'd say he's clean. And unless anyone has evidence to the contrary, I would then have to call him the single season home run king.
While arguing whether or not Albert Pujols would be the single-season home run king if he hit 62 home runs this year, JA Adande said this in the most matter-of-fact way conceivable:
People want to pretend to close their eyes and pretend that the steroids era never happened, but it did. You can't do that. You have to recognize Barry Bonds as the home run king.
If you're going to blindly recognize Barry Bonds as the home run king, that's pretending he never took steroids. If you do that for guys like Sosa, McGwire, etc. that would be pretending the steroid era never happened. So JA is arguing that you can't pretend the steroid era never happened, while tacitly pretending the steroid era never happened. Bold.
Tony Realli unleashed this (paraphrased) piece of terrible:
Like it or not baseball wasn't testing for steroids back then. You can't say he cheated because he didn't test positive for steroids. Maybe he cheated, but you can't blame him because baseball wasn't looking for steroid users. So it really wasn't illegal.
Jackie Mac called him out on using semantics, which he is. Tony responded by saying "Well is it semantics or is it accurate?". Jackie Mac probably then responded "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING RIGHT NOW?" but they edited that out. Here are the problems with Tony's argument:
-Steroids are illegal in the United States. Baseball does not need to ban a substance that is illegal in the United States. So yes steroids really were illegal in baseball.
-Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, and the Big Mac are not culpable for not cheaters because baseball wasn't testing them and they weren't caught. Maybe in an American court of law this argument works, or maybe not depending on Bonds's perjury trial, but not for recognizing record holders. Allow me an analogy: Let's say a man beats his wife. You can see all the bruises, typical marks, etc. It is painfully obvious to all involved. Do you need the police to come in and arrest him before you decide that he's a bad husband? I don't.
- Only a contrarian shitheel would make this argument. Everybody knows Bonds, Sosa, and McGwire cheated. To say that they might not have is the kind of attitude that got baseball in this mess in the first place. Instead of debating whether or not they cheated, debate whether or not 73 dirty homers is better than 62 clean ones. That's a legitimate debate.
After fervently whipping me and Jack Mac into a mode of attack (pure poetry there folks), they switched into an uninteresting debate over what it meant that Lou Piniella was voted the least popular manager in baseball. That led to this:
Woody Paige: "It doesn't matter that Lou Piniella was voted the least popular manager in baseball. I was voted the worst sports columnist in Denver. It just means people are talking about you."
Tim Cowpie: "When was this Woody?"
Woody Paige: "Ummm… about two weeks ago."
Kudos Woody, you finally won an award you've deserved a long time. As for the poll, who gives a shit. The only players that have to like you are the ones on your team.
And back to why I hate ATH, courtesy of the artist formerly known as stat boy:
"Don't blame Bonds for not getting caught. Blame baseball."
Bonds is a perjury trial away from getting caught. I don't have to give him a reprieve because baseball didn't care to catch him or was too incompetent to do so. If a little kid is a turd and his parents don't care to punish him, the kid is still a turd. The parents are turds, too. And so are the people who make excuses for the kid's lousy behavior. Do you see what I'm getting at?
I would declare Albert Pujols's 62 as the single-season record. Yes he could be cheating, but he's only put on 20 pounds since his rookie year. A-Rod has put on 38. Barry Bonds has put on 50. Based on those numbers, I'd say he's clean. And unless anyone has evidence to the contrary, I would then have to call him the single season home run king.
Monday, June 29, 2009
THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!
Highlander reference. Good stuff. Won an award for best movie ever.
If he ever leaves the Cubs, Carlos Zambrano said the only two teams he'd consider playing for are the White Sox and Boston Red Sox.
If you ever wanted to see a manager and one of his pitchers battle to the death with baseball bats, you should be writing your local congressman to make this happen. Z has size but Ozzie is squirrely and supremely insane. Good fight, gentleman.
If he ever leaves the Cubs, Carlos Zambrano said the only two teams he'd consider playing for are the White Sox and Boston Red Sox.
If you ever wanted to see a manager and one of his pitchers battle to the death with baseball bats, you should be writing your local congressman to make this happen. Z has size but Ozzie is squirrely and supremely insane. Good fight, gentleman.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
The Worst Piece Of Journalism Ever.
Ever.
You just won the U.S. Open. Act like it!
You'd never know Lucas Glover is a champ by the way he acts
You mean he acts like a classless buffoon in what is supposed to be a gentleman game? A game where JP Hayes turned himself in over inadvertently using the wrong ball, thus costing himself a PGA tour card when nobody would have known the difference? No, you Rick Reilly, are advocating that he act like a jackass.
Two Down O'Connor, World's Most Avid Golf Gambler, was watching replays of Lucas Glover winning the U.S. Open and was severely disgruntled.
Two Down O'Connor? Really? That's his name? Was he drinking cheap scotch in an old western saloon with a floozie on his lap? I'm not impressed if he wasn't. Also, who the hell is enough of a sociopath to gamble on golf?
"Look at this!" Two Down said as he pointed at Glover, who was politely accepting the trophy on the 18th green at Bethpage Black. "I mean look how boring he is! He looks like he was just named Proctology Patient of the Year."
James Boyle, the actual Proctology Patient of the Year, had to be played off the stage at this year's American Proctology Awards because his speech was so long. He was clearly excited and happy to be there. Two Down O'Connor doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about.
I barely arched an eyebrow. Two Down is the leader of our Saturday morning foursome -- The Chops -- and you do not want to give him a foothold.
That's a very esoteric statement. Why would anyone care?
"If I won a U.S. Freaking Open, I'd go absolutely electroshock, three-alarm, bat-guano nuts!" he continued. "I'd race around the green like I was on fire! I'd French kiss the old lady scorekeeper! I'd climb up the TV tower and swan dive into the crowd!"
THEN I WOULD CHUG THREE NATTY LIGHTS 'CUZ I'M THE FUCKING BOSS!!!!!!@!!!
I did not so much as twitch an eyebrow.
Perhaps you should have told Two Down to shut up. Then we wouldn't have this article.
"Well, why not? In tennis, when Roger Federer wins a major, he falls backward like he just got poleaxed. If this were football, the guy would be doing the electric chicken right in front of the other team's bench, thumping his chest and taking a video of himself with his other hand. Hell, Ochocinco might stage a Broadway musical right then and there."
1. This is not football.
2. The electric chicken, in the terms you are thinking of it, does not exist. You just combined the electric slide, a dance typically performed to Gloria Gaynor's 1980 classic "I Will Survive", and the funky chicken, which is what JR Smith did in front of the Lakers Bench in this year's Western Conference Finals. This is what pops up when you search electric chicken on google.
3. The last sentence is a lame ripoff of an even lamer Family Guy skit where Peter Griffin breaks into a Broadway musical after scoring a touchdown. How pathetic are you when you're stealing ideas from Family Guy?
Another Chop -- Provisional -- hollered in from the euchre table.
Why do all of your friend's have assassin like monikers? What's your moniker? Shadowtrap? The PUNisher? Baron Von Killface? Rickles? I bet it's Rickles.
"He's right! If I won the U.S. Open, I'd pick up the flagstick and fire it like a Tommy gun at the crowd. I'd have secretly hidden my cell phone in the hole and when the final putt went in, I'd answer it: 'This is the 2009 U.S. Open champion speaking. Which means you are not the 2009 U.S. Open champion. Sucks to be you!' I'd make my caddie give me a piggyback ride and I'd whip him like a jockey on a horse. I'd lay my bag on the ground, straddle it and then paddle with my putter. I'd waltz myself around the green like it really was the dance floor!"
If I were a fan watching you do this, I would plug my ipod into the loudspeaker and kick your ass to a soundtrack. Perhaps Asia's "Heat Of The Moment". Is that enough 80's references? No it's not, because I want to be the next Bill Simmons.
This captured the attention of a third Chop -- Hoover, so named because he sucks worse than an entire vacuum plant -- and he jumped in with both cleats.
What does Hoover suck at? Golf? Clog dancing? Life in general? Every group has that one guy who just generally sucks. This group seems to have many of those guys.
"If I just beat 155 guys, I'd be cocky as hell, like other jocks," Hoover said. "I'd extend my hand to the guy I'd just beaten like I was going to shake it and then, when he started to grab it, I'd pull it back. Psych! When the guy in the blazer came out with the winner's check, I'd snatch his toupee off and fling it like a Frisbee."
Bro, bro. Listen, Bro. BRO!! OK, I would totally WRECK SHIT UP! I would eat three Big Macs while drinking a Busch Light while giving it doggy style to Tiger Woods's wife on the 6th tee, Ok? Why the 6th tee? BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I DO!
"No, no," Provisional countered. "I'd rip the mike out of Bob Costas' hands and say into the camera, very sincerely, 'I'd just very much like to thank (pause) my sweet butt for being so good! Nobody's hittin' these shots but me, you fools! You see anybody blockin' for me? Catching balls at the wall? Throwin' me a pass? It's just me out here, by myself, home slice, and I am flat-out a witch with these here Pings. I can do stuff with these things that would've gotten me buried up to my eyes in the desert during the Middle Ages!'
Well thank goodness it's no longer the Middle Ages, but I don't see why that means why we can't bury this fucker in sand up to his eyes. This "home slice" is a "flat out witch with these here Pings." Read that sentence again. No I don't care that he's being facetious, Provisional is a bad man. A very bad man.
I remained unmoved.
Really? You're not impressed by your friends? I am. But if you aren't impressed with them, then why did you write this incredibly terrible article? What's your angle, Rickles?
"And that night?" added Two Down, standing on the table now. "I'd go to Ricky Barnes' hotel room at 3 in the morning and be very sincere and contrite and go: 'Sorry to come by so late. But I just wanted to apologize for my behavior this afternoon on the 18th green. I really want to take this opportunity to say how sorry I am that (pause) you're such a gag artist!' Then I'd hold up the trophy, polish it on my butt and say, 'Take a look at how shiny it is! Really, look close. What do you see? A loser!!! Don't worry, though. I hear the food's great on the Nationwide Tour!'"
If this article was a song, it would be an acapella version of "Boom Boom Pow" by the Black Eyed Peas.
Hoover insisted he'd "get a stepladder out and cut down the flag, like they do in basketball. I'd get up there with a pair of scissors, cut one little piece off, climb back down, pretend I was handing the scissors to the guy behind me in line -- which was just me again -- and climb back up, until the thing was off. Then I'd dig the entire cup out with all the turf around it and stick it in my bag, as a keepsake."
I would club you with a four iron. And when people applauded my achievement, I would bow gracefully and then walk away. Because I have dignity.
"I'd take my 3-iron out and have my caddie kneel before me and I'd knight him like I was the queen," Provisional decided
Ok, I know it's late in the game, but what is the point of all this? Why did Rick Reilly decide to write all this down? Which editor let this happen? This isn't sports, these aren't athletes, these aren't funny people. If I was an editor and I received this, I would spit in it and hand it back. Then I would make the speech that the principal gave after Adam Sandler's speech on the Industrial Revolution in Billy Madison. You know the one that ends "may god have mercy on your soul".
Two Down added: "Then I'd have my agent come out and hand out those ugly T-shirts and hats that all the NBA and college champion teams hand out the second they win the game. Only it would just be a picture of me on the shirts and hats, along with the phrase: '2009 U.S. Open Champion, Suckers!' in big swirly lettering. And then my caddie and I would wear them and we'd hug and fake taking each other's pictures with fake digital cameras."
Not a single idea that these guys presented has been original. Every last one has been pilfered from somewhere else. Family Guy, JR Smith, the Cavs pre-game, Joe Horn's cell phone celebration. Rick Reilly and his group of golfing assassins suck.
There was finally quiet. They seemed to be spent and satisfied, so I spoke up at last.
Can you picture it? Light beam shining down, angellic humming in the background, the voice of reason. Rick Reilly speaks.
"Yeah, that Lucas Glover's a real tool," I said.
You're a tool. Don't care if it was too easy.
"By the way, what'd you guys shoot today?"
"103," said Two Down.
I don't golf, but I'm not impressed by that score. Not half as impressed as I was with all the things Two Down would do after he won the US Open.
"111," said Provisional, "with one backside mulligan. And two kicks."
You suck worse than Two Down.
"137," said Hoover. "Net."
You also suck.
I paused and looked at them, palms up.
They all just blinked back at me.
Irony is lost on The Chops.
Where is the irony, Rickles? Is it ironic that these guys are talking about all the things they would do if the won the US Open even though they suck at golf? Is that the opposite of what you would expect? Because based on the way they talk, I would expect these guys to suck at golf. The irony here, Mr. Reilly, is that you are a professional writer. That really is the exact opposite of what I would expect after reading this article.
You just won the U.S. Open. Act like it!
You'd never know Lucas Glover is a champ by the way he acts
You mean he acts like a classless buffoon in what is supposed to be a gentleman game? A game where JP Hayes turned himself in over inadvertently using the wrong ball, thus costing himself a PGA tour card when nobody would have known the difference? No, you Rick Reilly, are advocating that he act like a jackass.
Two Down O'Connor, World's Most Avid Golf Gambler, was watching replays of Lucas Glover winning the U.S. Open and was severely disgruntled.
Two Down O'Connor? Really? That's his name? Was he drinking cheap scotch in an old western saloon with a floozie on his lap? I'm not impressed if he wasn't. Also, who the hell is enough of a sociopath to gamble on golf?
"Look at this!" Two Down said as he pointed at Glover, who was politely accepting the trophy on the 18th green at Bethpage Black. "I mean look how boring he is! He looks like he was just named Proctology Patient of the Year."
James Boyle, the actual Proctology Patient of the Year, had to be played off the stage at this year's American Proctology Awards because his speech was so long. He was clearly excited and happy to be there. Two Down O'Connor doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about.
I barely arched an eyebrow. Two Down is the leader of our Saturday morning foursome -- The Chops -- and you do not want to give him a foothold.
That's a very esoteric statement. Why would anyone care?
"If I won a U.S. Freaking Open, I'd go absolutely electroshock, three-alarm, bat-guano nuts!" he continued. "I'd race around the green like I was on fire! I'd French kiss the old lady scorekeeper! I'd climb up the TV tower and swan dive into the crowd!"
THEN I WOULD CHUG THREE NATTY LIGHTS 'CUZ I'M THE FUCKING BOSS!!!!!!@!!!
I did not so much as twitch an eyebrow.
Perhaps you should have told Two Down to shut up. Then we wouldn't have this article.
"Well, why not? In tennis, when Roger Federer wins a major, he falls backward like he just got poleaxed. If this were football, the guy would be doing the electric chicken right in front of the other team's bench, thumping his chest and taking a video of himself with his other hand. Hell, Ochocinco might stage a Broadway musical right then and there."
1. This is not football.
2. The electric chicken, in the terms you are thinking of it, does not exist. You just combined the electric slide, a dance typically performed to Gloria Gaynor's 1980 classic "I Will Survive", and the funky chicken, which is what JR Smith did in front of the Lakers Bench in this year's Western Conference Finals. This is what pops up when you search electric chicken on google.
3. The last sentence is a lame ripoff of an even lamer Family Guy skit where Peter Griffin breaks into a Broadway musical after scoring a touchdown. How pathetic are you when you're stealing ideas from Family Guy?
Another Chop -- Provisional -- hollered in from the euchre table.
Why do all of your friend's have assassin like monikers? What's your moniker? Shadowtrap? The PUNisher? Baron Von Killface? Rickles? I bet it's Rickles.
"He's right! If I won the U.S. Open, I'd pick up the flagstick and fire it like a Tommy gun at the crowd. I'd have secretly hidden my cell phone in the hole and when the final putt went in, I'd answer it: 'This is the 2009 U.S. Open champion speaking. Which means you are not the 2009 U.S. Open champion. Sucks to be you!' I'd make my caddie give me a piggyback ride and I'd whip him like a jockey on a horse. I'd lay my bag on the ground, straddle it and then paddle with my putter. I'd waltz myself around the green like it really was the dance floor!"
If I were a fan watching you do this, I would plug my ipod into the loudspeaker and kick your ass to a soundtrack. Perhaps Asia's "Heat Of The Moment". Is that enough 80's references? No it's not, because I want to be the next Bill Simmons.
This captured the attention of a third Chop -- Hoover, so named because he sucks worse than an entire vacuum plant -- and he jumped in with both cleats.
What does Hoover suck at? Golf? Clog dancing? Life in general? Every group has that one guy who just generally sucks. This group seems to have many of those guys.
"If I just beat 155 guys, I'd be cocky as hell, like other jocks," Hoover said. "I'd extend my hand to the guy I'd just beaten like I was going to shake it and then, when he started to grab it, I'd pull it back. Psych! When the guy in the blazer came out with the winner's check, I'd snatch his toupee off and fling it like a Frisbee."
Bro, bro. Listen, Bro. BRO!! OK, I would totally WRECK SHIT UP! I would eat three Big Macs while drinking a Busch Light while giving it doggy style to Tiger Woods's wife on the 6th tee, Ok? Why the 6th tee? BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I DO!
"No, no," Provisional countered. "I'd rip the mike out of Bob Costas' hands and say into the camera, very sincerely, 'I'd just very much like to thank (pause) my sweet butt for being so good! Nobody's hittin' these shots but me, you fools! You see anybody blockin' for me? Catching balls at the wall? Throwin' me a pass? It's just me out here, by myself, home slice, and I am flat-out a witch with these here Pings. I can do stuff with these things that would've gotten me buried up to my eyes in the desert during the Middle Ages!'
Well thank goodness it's no longer the Middle Ages, but I don't see why that means why we can't bury this fucker in sand up to his eyes. This "home slice" is a "flat out witch with these here Pings." Read that sentence again. No I don't care that he's being facetious, Provisional is a bad man. A very bad man.
I remained unmoved.
Really? You're not impressed by your friends? I am. But if you aren't impressed with them, then why did you write this incredibly terrible article? What's your angle, Rickles?
"And that night?" added Two Down, standing on the table now. "I'd go to Ricky Barnes' hotel room at 3 in the morning and be very sincere and contrite and go: 'Sorry to come by so late. But I just wanted to apologize for my behavior this afternoon on the 18th green. I really want to take this opportunity to say how sorry I am that (pause) you're such a gag artist!' Then I'd hold up the trophy, polish it on my butt and say, 'Take a look at how shiny it is! Really, look close. What do you see? A loser!!! Don't worry, though. I hear the food's great on the Nationwide Tour!'"
If this article was a song, it would be an acapella version of "Boom Boom Pow" by the Black Eyed Peas.
Hoover insisted he'd "get a stepladder out and cut down the flag, like they do in basketball. I'd get up there with a pair of scissors, cut one little piece off, climb back down, pretend I was handing the scissors to the guy behind me in line -- which was just me again -- and climb back up, until the thing was off. Then I'd dig the entire cup out with all the turf around it and stick it in my bag, as a keepsake."
I would club you with a four iron. And when people applauded my achievement, I would bow gracefully and then walk away. Because I have dignity.
"I'd take my 3-iron out and have my caddie kneel before me and I'd knight him like I was the queen," Provisional decided
Ok, I know it's late in the game, but what is the point of all this? Why did Rick Reilly decide to write all this down? Which editor let this happen? This isn't sports, these aren't athletes, these aren't funny people. If I was an editor and I received this, I would spit in it and hand it back. Then I would make the speech that the principal gave after Adam Sandler's speech on the Industrial Revolution in Billy Madison. You know the one that ends "may god have mercy on your soul".
Two Down added: "Then I'd have my agent come out and hand out those ugly T-shirts and hats that all the NBA and college champion teams hand out the second they win the game. Only it would just be a picture of me on the shirts and hats, along with the phrase: '2009 U.S. Open Champion, Suckers!' in big swirly lettering. And then my caddie and I would wear them and we'd hug and fake taking each other's pictures with fake digital cameras."
Not a single idea that these guys presented has been original. Every last one has been pilfered from somewhere else. Family Guy, JR Smith, the Cavs pre-game, Joe Horn's cell phone celebration. Rick Reilly and his group of golfing assassins suck.
There was finally quiet. They seemed to be spent and satisfied, so I spoke up at last.
Can you picture it? Light beam shining down, angellic humming in the background, the voice of reason. Rick Reilly speaks.
"Yeah, that Lucas Glover's a real tool," I said.
You're a tool. Don't care if it was too easy.
"By the way, what'd you guys shoot today?"
"103," said Two Down.
I don't golf, but I'm not impressed by that score. Not half as impressed as I was with all the things Two Down would do after he won the US Open.
"111," said Provisional, "with one backside mulligan. And two kicks."
You suck worse than Two Down.
"137," said Hoover. "Net."
You also suck.
I paused and looked at them, palms up.
They all just blinked back at me.
Irony is lost on The Chops.
Where is the irony, Rickles? Is it ironic that these guys are talking about all the things they would do if the won the US Open even though they suck at golf? Is that the opposite of what you would expect? Because based on the way they talk, I would expect these guys to suck at golf. The irony here, Mr. Reilly, is that you are a professional writer. That really is the exact opposite of what I would expect after reading this article.
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