MAILBAG!!!!!!@!!!@!

I know what you're thinking: "Jeff, you don't have enough readers for a mailbag". You're right. So I stole Bill Simmons's mailbag and gave far snappier answers. Why? To prove how fucking easy his job is and how your average chimp (me) could do it.

Q: After hearing you and JackO talk about how unfunny athletes really are in a recent podcast, doesn't there need to be a new ratings scale known as "Athlete Funny"? I derived this after I listened to a Cubs fan tell me how funny Ryan Dempster is. Just because you can crack up people on "Cold Pizza" with your Dr. Evil impression (i.e., an impression of an impression) does not make you funny.
-- Chad, Los Angeles

I love arbitrary ratings scales. Use them all the time. A 13 year old version of me and my friends had a way to arbitrarily rate the attractiveness of girls on a 35 point scale. Highly misogynistic and juvenile, but also fairly effective. With all my love for arbitrary ratings and cut-offs I simply cannot justify answering this question. There are four categories of funny people: people who are flat out not funny, pretty people, regurgitaters, and truly funny people. The breakdown is pretty simple, people will always be more willing to laugh at a joke made be someone who is attractive. Regurgitaters are people who can quote a movie at the right time, play up a stereotype, do a good job of ripping off another person's joke, or they can be funny with a set script. They seem kinda funny at first, but eventually you realize that they aren't original. Almost every professional athlete is a regurgitater.

Q: Read your Clips' curse column. As a "Lost" fan, I am surprised you didn't notice that in the very first move of your timeline, the Clippers fired a "Dr. Jack" and replaced him with a "Locke." Coincidence? I think not!
-- Evan, St. Paul, Minn.

Another parallel? All the things that happen involving Lost or the Clippers make no fucking sense. How a show that features time travel, tropical polar bears, and a group of bad guys as generically titled as "The Others" could be taken as a tour de force is as astonishing as the continued existence of a franchise as dysfunctional as the LA Clippers. Also I think Mike Dunleavy is running both of them, because it's clear that shit is just getting made up is it goes along.

Q: Is nobody willing to acknowledge the fact that Ivan Rodriguez and many of his 1990s Rangers teammates were all juicing while President Bush was their owner? That's a story right there.

GET THE HUFFINGTON POST ON THIS STAT!

Q: I'm 18 and just graduated high school. When my college decisions came in in April, I narrowed down my choices to Dartmouth and Princeton and had no idea what to do. Whether it's teenage indecision or my relative laziness, the only thing I could think of was your pure hatred for Princeton. So I chose Dartmouth. You, Bill Simmons, made the biggest decision I have ever made. Most likely, you will be responsible for whatever shenanigans I go through in life. Just wanted to let you know and say thanks.
-- Sam, New York

I've seen a fair amount of tools in my day, but Sam from New York could be the biggest fucking tool in America. He is the tool shed, Batman's tool belt, and the rock band Tool all rolled into one ginormous douche bag. Why Sam wrote this: 1. To say look at me, I got into Dartmouth and Princeton! Good for you Sam, you're clearly a strong student who's super fucking impressed with himself. We had a kid like that in my class. He was very smart and is going to Yale and his senior quote was "Yale 2013". Also, everyone hated him. 2. If you let a sportswriter's dislike of a group of alumni determine where you choose to go to college, you are a pawn. And for the record, kids from Dartmouth have about as bad as a reputation as you can have. Thank you for continuing the tradition Sam.

Q: You wrote that no current celebrity would get the same reaction as Michael Jackson did when he died. What about Oprah? I'm thinking that the entire free world might stop.
-- Tom K., Red Bank, N.J.

Oprah's told a lot of people what to like for a long time and she's done a lot of good work. But Simmons is right when he says it won't be the same because she's not an artist. I don't think they'll show all these great clips of her show. We'll see what happens when Bono dies. He may get canonized. It would be a different kind of stoppage, but it will be big.

Q: It's July 14. Happy Curmudgeon Liberation Day!
-- Corey, Salt Lake City

Let's eat matzah and recount the days when we suffered under the reign of Billy Packer.

Q: I need an official ruling from you. Me and my buddy Lawson have been arguing over the proper title for our obsession with the glory that is hard-throwing Red Sox reliever Daniel Bard. He suggested Bardoner and I countered with Bardner. Recently we have reached an agreement on Bard-on. What do you think?
-- Ethan S., Boston

Bardoner and Bardner don't really make sense, Bard-on is appropriate but not very creative. Like when the Cubs got Rich Harden and people would say I've got a Harden. Would this question have made it if Bard wasn't on the Red Sox? I say no.

Q: Ever messed around with the NBA Trade Machine and tried to determine what trade would give the absolute highest possible increase in John Hollinger's projected wins to a team? Ultimately, I was able to add 58 projected wins to the Knicks by sacking Portland, Cleveland and the Lakers of their valuables. Please don't ask me how long that took. My challenge to you is simple: TOP THAT.
-- Jon, Edison, N.J.

Jon's 58 wins? Not bad. The 66 Bill Simmons picked up? Pretty damn good. But how about an additional 69 victories? I pulled it off. Sadly I can't figure out how to make a hyperlink to my specific trade, only the trade machine front page. But I'll describe it to you. The trade would give the New York Knicks a starting lineup of Tony Parker, Brandon Roy, LeBron James, LaMarcus Aldridge, and Tim Duncan. Manu Ginobli gets to play to his ideal role as a super six man. Jerryd Bayless, Rudy Fernandez, JJ Hickson, Jordan Hill, Darko Milicic, and Toney Douglass are the reserves. I had to trade away everyone I could from the Knicks, but they suck so who cares. And yes my team would beat Bill Simmons's team.

Q: My girlfriend has been making me watch "The Bachelorette" and I'm not even ashamed. Isn't it easily as good as any other Monday night comedy? Plus, there's Jillian and the unending internal debate in my head as to whether she's hot or not. Literally every shot of her evokes a different reaction from me. I'm amazed at how intriguing the show is.
-- Mike B. Brighton, Mass.

I have proudly never watched the bachelorette.

Q: Simmons, you amaze me. You are either the embodiment of the American Dream or a sure sign of Armageddon. You write for ESPN, yet you break no stories, have no sources, offer little analysis. Instead you write superfluous pieces of fluff that are only your half-baked opinion, offer no proof and constantly write about the NBA, the Red Sox and Pats to the exclusion of anything else of substance. To top it off, you seem as mature as a horny, pimply 14-year-old. I don't get it.
-- Rick D, Saint Joseph, Mo.

He also likes to party and bullshit. Don't you ever forget that.

Q: What is your starting lineup of stars from 1992-2008 that you would be shocked to find out used PEDs?
-- (Name accidentally deleted)

Simmons named Jeter and Griffey which I agree with, but I would add Greg Maddux. He threw barely threw 90, which is damn rare for a major league right hander. Imagine if he blew up like Barry Bonds and could suddenly throw 95 on the black over and over again. I have to admit bias though, the Mad Dog was my favorite pitcher growing up and I was at his 3,000th strikeout game which was frickin awesome.

Q: I am a die-hard soccer fan living abroad and agree with your theory that international soccer could take off in the States. But not everyone listens to your podcasts, so could you please make the same case in one of your columns so everyone can see it? I think it's important. Thanks and cheers from the UK!
-- T.J., Leeds, England

International soccer is very cool. Something I like to casually follow but can't really get into because I don't have ties to any teams.

Q: I would like to add an idea to the great things you have suggested to improve NBA officiating: an NBA ombudsman, someone affiliated with the league, but who could sort through complaints (both internal and external) without an agenda, and criticize the league when it needs to be criticized. Le Anne Schreiber did such a great job for ESPN, I would love to see the NBA hire someone to do the same thing.
-- Mike Rensink, San Diego

I love the idea of an ombudsman. Everything should have an ombudsman, from the largest corporation to a group of friends. Think about it. Appoint one person from outside your circle of friends to become your ombudsman for three months. They could help resolve disputes, give honest criticism to people, and provide general analysis on the group's social standing. This person would be required to give a formal state of the group address at the end of his term. Wouldn't this make people better?

Q: Do you think Joe Buck and Tim McCarver look like a couple who live in Sweden and design a currency for cats and dogs?
-- Evan, Boston

Talladega Nights reference. Cool. Keeping up ESPN's disturbing penchant for random Will Ferrell movie quotes.

Q: I watched UFC 100 and was thoroughly entertained. A pretty great night for the UFC, methinks. Then I read all over the Internet that what Brock Lesnar did after his match was unacceptable, unprofessional, etc. Really? It was unacceptable? This is the freaking UFC, not the PGA Tour! Who do they think they are fooling? Can I get you, Sports Guy, to give everyone an official "settle down" on this issue with Lesnar?
-- Tony N., Minneapolis

Flipping off the fans was a bit excessive, but good promotion from Lesnar. Not sure if it was a savvy move or he's just a jag. Either way, everyone's rooting for him to get his ass kicked. Don't be surprised if he gets the Michael Bisping treatment where someone throws in an all out shot to Lesnar's teeth after he's been dropped. Watching that fight, Lesnar should've learned that talking shit is a bad idea in the UFC.

Q: Since DeJuan Blair has no ACLs to tear, what would happen if the Clippers drafted him?
-- Tyler F., St. Louis

"It would be like crossing the streams in "Ghostbusters." Buildings would blow up and Ernie Hudson would be covered in marshmallow when it was over." I stole BS's answer because I can't top it.

Q: I need your expertise here. I was lying in bed with my wife one night and she caught me staring at her chest. My wife was blessed with large breasts (which I am thankful for) and she was wearing my Giants Super Bowl championship sweatshirt (that was not meant as a dig). When she asked me what I was staring at, I said, "What? You know I love the Giants." I instantly realized the wonderful double meaning of what I said. Can you think of another team that would have worked as well in this situation? The best I can come up with is the Twins.
-- Dave, New York

I would add the Rockies and the Titans. Definitely the Titans. The far more interesting question, posed by BS, is which teams would be in some way offensive? The obvious choices are the Nuggets and the A's, and I would say the 49ers is kinda funny if you think about.

Q: I'm taking Sports Leadership taught by Charley Casserly at Georgetown next fall. What percentage of the class is going to be on "How to draft a defensive end from N.C. State even when a running back from USC is available"?
-- Rawiri, Washington

Yeah, what a fucking dumbass that Charley Casserly is. I mean he drafted a guy who's made two all-pro teams in his first three years over a guy who averaged almost as many YPC as Deuce McAllister last year! He could have had Pierre Thomas's complement back! Dunce.

Q: If you could choose any athlete (not including Larry Bird) to ghostwrite an autobiography, who would it be? Assume that he or she will be completely candid with you about everything. I bet my brother $10 you will say Charles Oakley. I would pay $100 to read that book!
-- Chris, Mobile, Ala.

Ron Artest is a good answer, but I would pick Ty Cobb. Ty once rushed into the stands to beat up a no-handed heckler. He would drop an N-bomb or two then turn around and go into the dugouts of Negro League teams to talk baseball with the players. He may or may not have killed a man. He was an all-time great baseball player. Ron Artest wasn't shit compared to Crazy Ty Cobb.

Q: I am sure you remember the reality show "Temptation Island" with Mark L. Walberg. My idea is called "The Real Temptation Island." Basically, you find 12 heterosexual guys and put them on an island with 12 strippers, porn stars and escorts. The guys have to go the longest without having sex or even touching a woman sexually (and they have to be masters of their domain). You have two competitions -- the guy who goes the longest wins a prize (say $100K) and the woman who eliminates the most guys wins a prize (say $50K). It would be perfect for cable. Wouldn't Cinemax love it?
-- Dan, New York

GET ME THE PRESIDENT OF FOX RIGHT FUCKING NOW!! (And put an uncensored version on HBO, too.)

Q: How about taking a group of mid-20s guys (I came up with this talking to my friends and we would DEFINITELY be the group) who live in a house with a D-II/D-I women's basketball team, training and getting ready for a big game against the women, complete with trash-talking. It has to be with guys who are ADAMANT that there is no way they could possibly lose to women. Softball, soccer, it could all work.
-- Murph, Livermore, Calif.

I gave up basketball in seventh grade. I played competitive one on one with a member of a women's D-III national championship team. It was about even. I'm pretty sure a decent former high school basketball player could take a D-II women's team. Maybe a bad D-I team. A good D-I team would beat them though, mostly because they would have a team offense and defense.

Q: What if Dr. James Andrews was betting on games? Tim Donaghy just called fouls; Dr. Andrews could remove players for an entire season! This guy has the power to tell someone such as Peyton Manning or Tiger Woods that they need to sit out a year with a bogus surgery. I could just imagine Selig, Goodell, Stern, Bettman and every other owner and commissioner sitting at their desks, writing their resignation letters and wondering: How the hell did James Andrews get the best of us?
-- Kyle Potter, Boston

Always get a second opinion when getting surgery. That's legitimate advice. Also, why would the commissioner's have to resign if James Andrews was screwing over the athletes?

Q: I'm in Hawaii for my fifth anniversary and reading your live draft article and had a thought. When they bring polygamy back, will you be my second wife? My current wife could handle all the sex, cooking, cleaning, and you could just have the responsibility of watching sports with me all day. Sound good?
-- Spencer, Utah

Spencer says "when the bring polygamy back", so he must know something I don't. Apparently gay marriage will be cool, too. Suck it red states.

Q: OK, so it's 2009. Josh Baskin is now roughly 34, the same age as when he was dating Elizabeth Perkins, who's now roughly 50. Did they get back together when he turned 18? Did they look each other up later on in life? Did she realize that she inadvertently had sex with a 13-year-old and become scarred for life, or perhaps just move on and marry someone her own age? Did he realize that she's too old now and he'd rather sleep with hot young chicks? This has been bothering me for hours. To answer your question: Yes, I'm drunk.
-- Andrew, New York

This happened in real life. Google Mary Kay Letorneau. It's some messed up shit.

Q: What unmade movie sequel would you just know would be the worst sequel in history before it even came out? Use the following criteria: (A) Only one movie had been made previously (can't be part 3 or 4); (B) the original is well-loved by almost everyone you know; and (C) you will watch the original 100 percent of the time when it comes on TV even though you've seen it 437 times already.
-- Anthony F, Ontario

Anchorman 2: Oh Wait, This Might Actually Happen. Maybe a sequel could work, but when has a comedy ever had a great sequel?

Q: The guys in my fantasy league were discussing how Al Davis would do as a member of our league and we decided he would finish dead last. Go Raiders!
-- Jeremy H, Jacksonville, Fla.

But would he be worse at fantasy football than Mike Dunleavy is at fantasy basketball or Dusty Baker is at fantasy baseball? What if we got those three, the Pirates GM, Chris Wallace, Matt Millen, and two regular guys together and had them all play a full year of fantasy sports? Would any of those guys finish in the top half of the standings in their respective sports? Would the two average fans ever finish below second place? I say no to both.

Q: My buddies and I returned home today with a few dozen steamed crabs from a beach adventure this past weekend that involved three cougars, two Hooters waitresses and a hotel room that could only be rivaled by the room in "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" or the more recent hotel room fiasco in "The Hangover." After watching four straight hours of the "Entourage" marathon leading up to the Season 6 premiere, we waited for the HBO content screen in anticipation of the "N for nudity" to appear. When it did, we were all thrilled and spent the next 27 minutes trying to figure out who it would be ahead of time (wagers were made and odds went off as such: Sloane 10-1, Meadow Soprano 4-1, Ari's wife 15-1, random Vince slew 1-5). When the episode ended boob-less we then argued about whether the chick Vince had in the Escalade might have actually been naked. As I sit here typing, I am looking at my TV realizing HBO has since changed the content screen to no longer say there is nudity in the episode. This should be either illegal or made good with one of the above three naked in a subsequent episode. What are your thoughts on this shafting HBO put on all of us?
-- Dave, Baltimore

It's official. Bill Simmons's sign off has jumped the shark. When you encourage people to be ridiculous, you get this crap. That's why nobody goes to fmylife.com anymore.

Q: I'm already excited enough when you write a new column. But your new picture? Your bright eyes gazing deep into my face. Your intense glare penetrating into my soul. I not only feel touched by your beautiful words … but also by the inner Bill Simmons. Something more than the sports columnist, some ungraspable, intangible feeling. I am ready to read.
-- Neal R., Oak Park, Ill.

Or crap like this.

Q: I am a recent college graduate who is depressed with the fact that I am no longer in college, and that Kevin Garnett's knees are about as healthy as the current job market. To make up for that fact, I do exactly what I used to do in class at home now -- read the archives of your articles. One of the articles I came across was your 20 worst fans at a baseball game, with No. 1 being the a-hole on his cell phone. I am e-mailing you to say that I did it at a local minor league game a few weeks ago. The guy was so excited to be on Rhode Island public television, and I got so angry that his $12 seat was being consumed by such a jackass. So I walked up, took the phone out of his hand and threw it to the ground. The man was more confused than anything, which was not the reaction I was expecting at all. I am now no longer allowed at PawSox games for the rest of the season. They have my picture. I hope you're happy.
-- Brian F, Rhode Island

Or this. You claim this story as truth Brian F? Shenanigans. Utter shenanigans. And if it is true, well that's probably worse. Moral to my reader(s): Don't be like Brian.