So many incomprehensible things were said during the NFL draft over these 2 days, unfortunately I wasn't in front of a computer for all of them. Sure there were the clichés, "This guy really loves football!" (Who the fuck doesn't?), but it was a stand out day for whimsical nonsense. Paraphrases of some of my favorites:
Patrick Chung, now here's an interesting story. Father came over on a boat from China, took a wrong turn, ended up in Jamaica.- Chris Berman
Anyone who has ever seen a map knows this is impossible.
Bill Cosby has befriended Quan Cosby because he likes his name. They are not related.- Erin Andrews
I wasn't really paying attention to what Erin Andrews was saying because I was busy pleasuring myself. Talk sports me to Erin, I like that. Anyways, I'm pretty sure this actually happened. Well played Bill Cosby, this is an impressive act of strange.
If you ain't been in the NFL, you don't know what it takes to be a player.- Cris Carter
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW, OK!? YOU DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW! What if I said if you haven't taken a course about public speaking or the english language, then you shouldn't be on national television touting your opinions? How would you feel about that Cris Carter?
You know what other wide receiver didn't run a great forty time? Jerry Rice.- Everybody
Listen, I don't buy the forty yard dash as a tool for evaluating players. Anquan Boldin ran a 4.7, and he still managed to bust a 71 yard drag pattern for a TD against the Falcons in the playoffs. Guys train for several weeks to run the forty, going over very specific techniques and whatever, and it's gotten to the point where it's not particularly applicable to actual football. If you want to make an argument for the relative unimportance of the forty yard dash, then you should say something similar to what I just did. You should not say "Jerry was slow too! And he was the best!". Jerry Rice did just about everything else better than everybody else, chances are Hakeem Nicks will not do this.
BREAKING NEWS: Erin Andrews is currently sandwiched between Quan Cosby and Dr. Bill Cosby on the same couch. Quan Cosby is on the phone with a friend and Bill Cosby is wearing a Temple football helmet. I have decided that this would be the strangest group sex scene that could ever occur. This is the game I play whenever I see Erin interviewing a group of guys who clearly want to bag her. Up until this interview, it was her appearance before the draft with the five Crabtree boys. Can you tell that I respect Erin as a reporter?
A few final thoughts:
Mark Sanchez will be a bust. For every game he played in college, the talent surrounding him was significantly better than the talent on the other team. I absolutely doubt his ability to compete when the defense is as good as his offense.
Malcolm Jenkins will be a bust because he doesn't have a clear position.
I think Arizona got the best pick of the day when they got Beanie Wells. He's a risk because he's not too durable, but that guy is a freak of nature. I was amazed when I watched him play LSU in the '07 national championship game. He was running over All-Americans like it was nothing.
Kenny Britt was a very good pick for the Titans.
I hated watching teams like the Browns trade down because of monetary issues. Let's fix this recession now before it starts taking down things that actually matter. Like football.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Think Happy Thoughts
No snooty article commentary this time. Not that it isn't fun and all but occasionally I have an original thought. Amazing right?
STOP THE FLOPPINESS! I can't believe the NBA plans on fining on Erick Dampier for saying he's gonna put Tony Parker on his back. Tony Parker is a vagina. His vagina-y style of basketball is ruining basketball. He was the first of the pussy point guard breed that is ruining basketball. These are the guys that drive to the hoop, jump to the side, then purposely fall flailing to the floor in hopes of getting a foul call. I absolutely despise it. Nash does it as he's gotten older, Devin Harris does it, Rondo does it as bad as Parker. If I'm a coach against one these guys, I instruct my players to collapse on him on every drive and basically sandwich him every time he jumps in the air. That will teach them to try to turn basketball into soccer.
Percy Harvin and Brandon Tate tested positive for marijuana at the NFL combine. They are also rumored to drink alcohol and associate with loose women. Any NFL team would be foolish to draft them.
What the fuck is wrong with Isaiah Thomas's eyebrows? It looks like he has two sets of eye brows or something, I can't really describe it. I bet that's why Chris McKendry grilled him on sportscenter. She hated his weird eyebrows.
Kudos to the Bulls for stealing a game from the Boston Bennett Salvatores. They almost took another one but Steve Javie and his crew saw to that. And I'm tired of hearing about how Steve Javie is one of the best refs in the business, if people know a referee's name it's because he's an arrogant douche or grossly incompetent. Both are bad qualities for a supposedly unbiased person.
I know I have a very small reach, but I feel a need to dispel the myth that Greg Paulus is going to Michigan to play QB. He worked out for them once. Sources say Michigan is not interested. Michigan should not be interested because Tate Forcier is younger, just as good, and has had more time to learn the offense. I don't want anybody else to ask me my opinion on this whole situation because they know I'm a Michigan fan. Get up to date folks. And yes, this is largely ESPN's fault for hyping this story and then not reporting that it's over.
These ramblings were brought to you by Eggo Waffles. Eggo Waffles, for when your house is completely fucking out of food.
STOP THE FLOPPINESS! I can't believe the NBA plans on fining on Erick Dampier for saying he's gonna put Tony Parker on his back. Tony Parker is a vagina. His vagina-y style of basketball is ruining basketball. He was the first of the pussy point guard breed that is ruining basketball. These are the guys that drive to the hoop, jump to the side, then purposely fall flailing to the floor in hopes of getting a foul call. I absolutely despise it. Nash does it as he's gotten older, Devin Harris does it, Rondo does it as bad as Parker. If I'm a coach against one these guys, I instruct my players to collapse on him on every drive and basically sandwich him every time he jumps in the air. That will teach them to try to turn basketball into soccer.
Percy Harvin and Brandon Tate tested positive for marijuana at the NFL combine. They are also rumored to drink alcohol and associate with loose women. Any NFL team would be foolish to draft them.
What the fuck is wrong with Isaiah Thomas's eyebrows? It looks like he has two sets of eye brows or something, I can't really describe it. I bet that's why Chris McKendry grilled him on sportscenter. She hated his weird eyebrows.
Kudos to the Bulls for stealing a game from the Boston Bennett Salvatores. They almost took another one but Steve Javie and his crew saw to that. And I'm tired of hearing about how Steve Javie is one of the best refs in the business, if people know a referee's name it's because he's an arrogant douche or grossly incompetent. Both are bad qualities for a supposedly unbiased person.
I know I have a very small reach, but I feel a need to dispel the myth that Greg Paulus is going to Michigan to play QB. He worked out for them once. Sources say Michigan is not interested. Michigan should not be interested because Tate Forcier is younger, just as good, and has had more time to learn the offense. I don't want anybody else to ask me my opinion on this whole situation because they know I'm a Michigan fan. Get up to date folks. And yes, this is largely ESPN's fault for hyping this story and then not reporting that it's over.
These ramblings were brought to you by Eggo Waffles. Eggo Waffles, for when your house is completely fucking out of food.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Oh ESPN
Bloomin' Onions!: Bulls Stun Celts
That's the headline you come up with for the Bulls' upset? It makes no sense. I don't even have a snarky commentary, I just want to know how the bloomin' onion, America's most delicious and deadly appetizer, has anything to do with the NBA playoffs.
That's the headline you come up with for the Bulls' upset? It makes no sense. I don't even have a snarky commentary, I just want to know how the bloomin' onion, America's most delicious and deadly appetizer, has anything to do with the NBA playoffs.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Boston Surpasses New York On Sports Douche Baggery Scale
Wow. I don't know who to thank for this god awful piece of shit written by Adam Kilgore, but it is perfect for this blog. I guess I'll thank Tonatiuh, the Aztec sun god. He will receive a nice goat.
ANAHEIM, Calif. - Josh Beckett found himself in a difficult situation early into his workday yesterday afternoon. The first inning wasn't complete, and a speedy baserunner, Chone Figgins, stood on second.
Being cornered by a territorial panther is a difficult situation. Being born without the ability to detect hot and cold is a difficult situation. Facing Bobby Abreu with a runner on second in the bottom of the first is baseball.
Beckett wanted to throw off Figgins's timing, and with Bobby Abreu in the batter's box, Beckett decided the best way to do that would be to hold the ball. He stood like a statue on the rubber. He looked at second base once, twice, three times.
Let me condense all that for you: Beckett decided to be a prick.
After the third time, he kicked his leg. Abreu called time. Plate umpire Paul Schrieber granted it. Beckett chucked the ball when time was called and his delivery had started. He believes trying to stop short can injure a pitcher, maybe even end a career, so he fired the pitch.
Please insert the words "at Abreu's head" at the end of the last sentence. That way it isn't misleading.
"It could have gone anywhere," he [Beckett] said.
Bobby Abreu's head does technically fit under the category of anywhere.
But it went directly at Abreu's head, which sparked the clearing of benches. Players streamed in from the dugouts. Pitchers sprinted in from the bullpen. The field cleared, then was flooded again. The teams circled each other, the only damage inflicted upon vocal cords. By the time the posturing concluded, umpires had ejected four Angels - including manager Mike Scioscia and center fielder Torii Hunter - and no Red Sox.
One of the most egregious examples of piss poor umpiring I've ever seen. Ed Rapuano, Paul Schreiber, Joe West, and Marvin Hudson should have to walk around with feces smeared on their foreheads as a mark of shame.
Bias colored every perspective.
Bias colors your perspective. Everybody outside of Boston agrees that Josh Beckett deserves a swift kick in the dick.
Beckett, the only person who knew the true motivation of his wayward pitch, said:
Stop it. You don't have to have telepathic powers to know when a guy is being an asshole. I am 100 percent convinced that both Adam Kilgore and Josh Beckett are assholes and I don't start telepathy classes for another 6 weeks.
"That's what I always do. I'm not going to stop when I'm that far in. I've never hit anybody in the head, and it's not on my list of [stuff] to get done. People can think what they want to think."
I think I'm going to call up Tonya Harding and ask for the number of the guy she used to bust Nancy Kerrigan's leg. I'd go into further detail but that would make the reader's accessories and I don't feel like putting that on them.
During the skirmish, Beckett said, he looked at Abreu and said, 'Hey. Come on.'
This is an extraordinarily misleading sentence. Abreu was talking to the umpire and Beckett walked over and barked the "Hey. Come on," in the same way he would say "Fuck you Bobby". It was not said in a "Hey, it was an accident, let's move on," manner. William Hearst, and really anyone else who likes inflammatory half-truths, would be proud of the type of journalism Adam Kilgore practices.
"I know Bobby Abreu," Beckett said. "He knows I'm not trying to hit him in the head."
Actually, he thinks the exact opposite.
"That was about as flagrant as anything I have seen in this game and it's unfortunate," Scioscia said. "Usually the pitcher will show a little bit of remorse. We didn't see any of that from Beckett. [sic] "There were some things that happened on the field that were disturbing and I feel the league has to look into it."
Sorry Scioscia, Commissioner Bud is hibernating with his head up his ass until the all-star break. And there's no chance his minions will interrupt his slumber so he can suspend the ace of one of his most marketable teams. Said minion would be immediately eviscerated, and they all know that.
Angels reliever Justin Speier was the most aggressive player while both teams occupied the infield. Teammates restrained him after he charged in from the bullpen in left field, and he was ejected.
I would say Josh Beckett was the most aggressive. He threw a pitch at Abreu's head, then walked over and started talking shit, then tried to fight Mike Scoscia, then told took out billboard ad on Interstate 5 so that every day Angels fans on the way to a ballgame would have to drive past a picture of Josh Beckett's middle finger.
"What Beckett did was totally uncalled for," Speier said. "To throw a 94-mile per hour fastball at his head is totally disrespectful to us and disrespectful to the game. Then he has the gall to chase Abreu and then start talking smack to Abreu and our manager."
Let me condense all that for you: Beckett is a prick.
By the end of the dustup, some of the Angels' anger had turned from the Red Sox to the umpires. "There were just some words said that were just outrageous," Hunter said. "And it wasn't from the Red Sox." Hunter was ejected after yelling at umpires, but crew chief Joe West said he was ejected because he threatened to fight Beckett.
Joe West? The same Joe West who sings country music, tackles catchers, and ejects camera men? Sounds like a douche.
"The Angels were the aggressors," West said. "That's why they were ejected. They were the aggressors and Beckett was warned.
Yeah, definitely a douche. Out of all the outrageous things said in this article, Joe West is gonna wind up taking home this week's Stevie Janowski "Who the fuck are you?! WHO the FUCK are YOU!?" quote of the week. I honestly can't take this quote seriously. Do you even know what an aggressor is Joe West? Were you awake when this conflict started? Let's recap: Beckett throws high and tight after time is called, then starts talking shit to Bobby Abreu, the Angels are agressors. That takes some incredible bounds of illogic, even when you consider that Joe West is a country musician. Beckett was warned Joe West? Beckett was warned and 4 Angels were ejected?
Joe West (to Beckett): Hey Josh, you better not throw another pitch at a guy's head. That's not acceptable.
Mike Scioscia nods.
Joe West (turning to Scioscia): GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
Scioscia laughs as if it's a joke.
Joe West: I WILL PUT A BOOT IN YOUR ASS! LEAVE NOW!
Scioscia walks away shaking his head in confusion
And lastly, most importantly, why the fuck is Joe West talking to the media about this? Umpires are like children, they should be seen and not heard. Here is a list of things that are more important than Joe West and his ridiculous views on reality:
My ridiculous views on reality
Bromance
The plight of the endangered Okapi
Fad diets
People who live in New Jersey
People who don't live in New Jersey
Bill O'Reilly's ridiculous views on reality
CBS's tuesday night lineup next fall
Creationism
The TV show Madden Nation
And for the sake of continuing a joke, let me condense all that for you: Shut up Joe West.
"We even charged the Red Sox with a trip to the mound, because the manager and the pitching coach were standing there when we separated everybody."
Are you still talking Joe West? Really? Fucking really? Charging a mound trip isn't jack shit compared to ejecting a team's manager, center fielder, and hitting coach. Speier didn't matter much, but you're still a dick for tossing him.
"They weren't happy about that either, so we had everybody mad at us."
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH. I hate you Joe West. I hate you Josh Beckett. I hate you Boston Red Sox. I hate you Boston Globe. I hate you Boston (insert noun here). This article (and the subsequent reader comments which I refuse to address) are why you have officially passed New York as America's most detested sports city.
ANAHEIM, Calif. - Josh Beckett found himself in a difficult situation early into his workday yesterday afternoon. The first inning wasn't complete, and a speedy baserunner, Chone Figgins, stood on second.
Being cornered by a territorial panther is a difficult situation. Being born without the ability to detect hot and cold is a difficult situation. Facing Bobby Abreu with a runner on second in the bottom of the first is baseball.
Beckett wanted to throw off Figgins's timing, and with Bobby Abreu in the batter's box, Beckett decided the best way to do that would be to hold the ball. He stood like a statue on the rubber. He looked at second base once, twice, three times.
Let me condense all that for you: Beckett decided to be a prick.
After the third time, he kicked his leg. Abreu called time. Plate umpire Paul Schrieber granted it. Beckett chucked the ball when time was called and his delivery had started. He believes trying to stop short can injure a pitcher, maybe even end a career, so he fired the pitch.
Please insert the words "at Abreu's head" at the end of the last sentence. That way it isn't misleading.
"It could have gone anywhere," he [Beckett] said.
Bobby Abreu's head does technically fit under the category of anywhere.
But it went directly at Abreu's head, which sparked the clearing of benches. Players streamed in from the dugouts. Pitchers sprinted in from the bullpen. The field cleared, then was flooded again. The teams circled each other, the only damage inflicted upon vocal cords. By the time the posturing concluded, umpires had ejected four Angels - including manager Mike Scioscia and center fielder Torii Hunter - and no Red Sox.
One of the most egregious examples of piss poor umpiring I've ever seen. Ed Rapuano, Paul Schreiber, Joe West, and Marvin Hudson should have to walk around with feces smeared on their foreheads as a mark of shame.
Bias colored every perspective.
Bias colors your perspective. Everybody outside of Boston agrees that Josh Beckett deserves a swift kick in the dick.
Beckett, the only person who knew the true motivation of his wayward pitch, said:
Stop it. You don't have to have telepathic powers to know when a guy is being an asshole. I am 100 percent convinced that both Adam Kilgore and Josh Beckett are assholes and I don't start telepathy classes for another 6 weeks.
"That's what I always do. I'm not going to stop when I'm that far in. I've never hit anybody in the head, and it's not on my list of [stuff] to get done. People can think what they want to think."
I think I'm going to call up Tonya Harding and ask for the number of the guy she used to bust Nancy Kerrigan's leg. I'd go into further detail but that would make the reader's accessories and I don't feel like putting that on them.
During the skirmish, Beckett said, he looked at Abreu and said, 'Hey. Come on.'
This is an extraordinarily misleading sentence. Abreu was talking to the umpire and Beckett walked over and barked the "Hey. Come on," in the same way he would say "Fuck you Bobby". It was not said in a "Hey, it was an accident, let's move on," manner. William Hearst, and really anyone else who likes inflammatory half-truths, would be proud of the type of journalism Adam Kilgore practices.
"I know Bobby Abreu," Beckett said. "He knows I'm not trying to hit him in the head."
Actually, he thinks the exact opposite.
"That was about as flagrant as anything I have seen in this game and it's unfortunate," Scioscia said. "Usually the pitcher will show a little bit of remorse. We didn't see any of that from Beckett. [sic] "There were some things that happened on the field that were disturbing and I feel the league has to look into it."
Sorry Scioscia, Commissioner Bud is hibernating with his head up his ass until the all-star break. And there's no chance his minions will interrupt his slumber so he can suspend the ace of one of his most marketable teams. Said minion would be immediately eviscerated, and they all know that.
Angels reliever Justin Speier was the most aggressive player while both teams occupied the infield. Teammates restrained him after he charged in from the bullpen in left field, and he was ejected.
I would say Josh Beckett was the most aggressive. He threw a pitch at Abreu's head, then walked over and started talking shit, then tried to fight Mike Scoscia, then told took out billboard ad on Interstate 5 so that every day Angels fans on the way to a ballgame would have to drive past a picture of Josh Beckett's middle finger.
"What Beckett did was totally uncalled for," Speier said. "To throw a 94-mile per hour fastball at his head is totally disrespectful to us and disrespectful to the game. Then he has the gall to chase Abreu and then start talking smack to Abreu and our manager."
Let me condense all that for you: Beckett is a prick.
By the end of the dustup, some of the Angels' anger had turned from the Red Sox to the umpires. "There were just some words said that were just outrageous," Hunter said. "And it wasn't from the Red Sox." Hunter was ejected after yelling at umpires, but crew chief Joe West said he was ejected because he threatened to fight Beckett.
Joe West? The same Joe West who sings country music, tackles catchers, and ejects camera men? Sounds like a douche.
"The Angels were the aggressors," West said. "That's why they were ejected. They were the aggressors and Beckett was warned.
Yeah, definitely a douche. Out of all the outrageous things said in this article, Joe West is gonna wind up taking home this week's Stevie Janowski "Who the fuck are you?! WHO the FUCK are YOU!?" quote of the week. I honestly can't take this quote seriously. Do you even know what an aggressor is Joe West? Were you awake when this conflict started? Let's recap: Beckett throws high and tight after time is called, then starts talking shit to Bobby Abreu, the Angels are agressors. That takes some incredible bounds of illogic, even when you consider that Joe West is a country musician. Beckett was warned Joe West? Beckett was warned and 4 Angels were ejected?
Joe West (to Beckett): Hey Josh, you better not throw another pitch at a guy's head. That's not acceptable.
Mike Scioscia nods.
Joe West (turning to Scioscia): GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
Scioscia laughs as if it's a joke.
Joe West: I WILL PUT A BOOT IN YOUR ASS! LEAVE NOW!
Scioscia walks away shaking his head in confusion
And lastly, most importantly, why the fuck is Joe West talking to the media about this? Umpires are like children, they should be seen and not heard. Here is a list of things that are more important than Joe West and his ridiculous views on reality:
My ridiculous views on reality
Bromance
The plight of the endangered Okapi
Fad diets
People who live in New Jersey
People who don't live in New Jersey
Bill O'Reilly's ridiculous views on reality
CBS's tuesday night lineup next fall
Creationism
The TV show Madden Nation
And for the sake of continuing a joke, let me condense all that for you: Shut up Joe West.
"We even charged the Red Sox with a trip to the mound, because the manager and the pitching coach were standing there when we separated everybody."
Are you still talking Joe West? Really? Fucking really? Charging a mound trip isn't jack shit compared to ejecting a team's manager, center fielder, and hitting coach. Speier didn't matter much, but you're still a dick for tossing him.
"They weren't happy about that either, so we had everybody mad at us."
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH. I hate you Joe West. I hate you Josh Beckett. I hate you Boston Red Sox. I hate you Boston Globe. I hate you Boston (insert noun here). This article (and the subsequent reader comments which I refuse to address) are why you have officially passed New York as America's most detested sports city.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Panic! At The Disco
It's been a full 6 days since the first MLB regular season game. Could somebody start pushing the Panic Button? Thanks for obliging Tracy Ringolsby.
Sure it's only a series into the season.
You acknowledge the concept of reason. I like this.
And even those 1969 expansion San Diego Padres swept Houston in their first series ever, only to lose 110 of the final 159 games in their first season of existence.
You seem to have a decent knowledge of baseball as well. I like this.
Truth be told, however, it's never too early to worry if you are:
Fuck you Tracy.
The Oakland A's.
The A's had taken two of three from the Angels when this article was written. What is prompting this? Why are they the first team that comes to mind when you think of teams that should be worried?
But is anybody really serious in claiming this team has a chance to stun the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in the AL West?
Nope! It was all a joke! You got punk'd bitch!
[The A's] Offense is great, but there's still the need to get 27 outs. And be honest: These aren't the A's of Mark Mulder, Tim Hudson and Barry Zito anchoring the rotation,
Those 3 guys suck right now. They make up the Holy Triumvirate of Suck. Billy Beane was smart to trade them.
or even from the era of Dan Haren, Rich Harden and Joe Blanton,
This is a half reasonable point. Haren's pretty damn good. But Oakland took two of the guys they got from Arizona, packaged them with Huston Street, and got Matt Holliday. And they got two high level prospects who are going to start in the rotation this year. So I don't think they regret that. Harden is an oft-injured 6-inning pitcher who has been far better for the Cubs than he was for the A's. Joe Blanton is about as average a pitcher as they make them. I would be surprised if the A's couldn't replace his career 4.30 ERA.
There may be a lot of potential, but there is a reason they are called prospects, and it's not because they have proven they are ready for the prime time players. The four lefties — Dallas Braden and Dana Eveland, both 25, Josh Outman, 24, and Brett Anderson, 21 — and the right-handed complement of Trevor Cahill, 21, average a tad over 23 years of age. That's the youngest rotation in baseball,
My favorite fallacy in all of baseball is that inexperienced pitchers are a detriment to a team. It's just not true that an unproven player is an ineffective one. Last year's AL Champion Rays had one pitcher older than 25, James Shields was 26. The White Sox relied on John Danks and Gavin Floyd. The Twins relied on, and got solid performances out of, rookies Kevin Slowey and Nick Blackburn. Let me provide an an analogy. You have two sandwiches. You're fairly certain one of the sandwiches is a turd sandwich. Let's call this sandwich "any available free agent pitcher outside of CC Sabathia". You don't know about the other sandwich. Let's call this sandwich a "Brett Anderson". Why would you pay 5-10 times as much for a known a turd sandwich when you could have a Brett Anderson, which seems like it could be pretty good? And yes, I did make this analogy to carry on firejoemorgan's food metaphors legacy.
The New York Yankees. They shelled out a seven-year, $161 million offseason contract for the enigmatic CC Sabathia, looking for the 6-foot-7, 290-pounder to recapture fans with his charisma and regain respect for the franchise with his power left arm.
CC Sabathia struggles every April. He has a 5.34 ERA in April over the last 3 years. You are a sports journalist. This is basic research. Somewhere along the way to writing an article, you two should meet.
But can he? Was that season-opening nightmare against Baltimore — the 96-pitch, 4 1/3-inning, 6 earned-run effort that includes 5 walks and no strikeouts — just a game to forget, or was it a sign of things to come?
It was a game to forget. You wanna know what my big issue with this article is? That Tracy Ringolsby consistently acknowledges the intelligent, reasonable point of view, then proceeds to spout nonsense. I call it a logic pump fake.
Dick Tracy then goes on about how injuries to Brandon Webb and Joe Mauer are bad for the D'Backs and Twins. The points are valid and also extremely obvious. Did you know that playing without your best player is a detriment to your team? I did and so did Tracy Ringolsby, but you might not have. Oh you did? And you say that we have insulted your intelligence? Hmmm. What other obvious situation could you point out as cause for alarm Tracy?
Cleveland. Will the real Cliff Lee please stand up?
Do you mean the one who has a 4.6 career ERA when you exclude last season's Esteban Loaiza-esque fluke? Because I think the Cleveland Indians would prefer that Cliff Lee, the real Cliff Lee, sit down and shut the hell up. I however have decided to stand up and leave because I am thoroughly done with this article.
Sure it's only a series into the season.
You acknowledge the concept of reason. I like this.
And even those 1969 expansion San Diego Padres swept Houston in their first series ever, only to lose 110 of the final 159 games in their first season of existence.
You seem to have a decent knowledge of baseball as well. I like this.
Truth be told, however, it's never too early to worry if you are:
Fuck you Tracy.
The Oakland A's.
The A's had taken two of three from the Angels when this article was written. What is prompting this? Why are they the first team that comes to mind when you think of teams that should be worried?
But is anybody really serious in claiming this team has a chance to stun the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in the AL West?
Nope! It was all a joke! You got punk'd bitch!
[The A's] Offense is great, but there's still the need to get 27 outs. And be honest: These aren't the A's of Mark Mulder, Tim Hudson and Barry Zito anchoring the rotation,
Those 3 guys suck right now. They make up the Holy Triumvirate of Suck. Billy Beane was smart to trade them.
or even from the era of Dan Haren, Rich Harden and Joe Blanton,
This is a half reasonable point. Haren's pretty damn good. But Oakland took two of the guys they got from Arizona, packaged them with Huston Street, and got Matt Holliday. And they got two high level prospects who are going to start in the rotation this year. So I don't think they regret that. Harden is an oft-injured 6-inning pitcher who has been far better for the Cubs than he was for the A's. Joe Blanton is about as average a pitcher as they make them. I would be surprised if the A's couldn't replace his career 4.30 ERA.
There may be a lot of potential, but there is a reason they are called prospects, and it's not because they have proven they are ready for the prime time players. The four lefties — Dallas Braden and Dana Eveland, both 25, Josh Outman, 24, and Brett Anderson, 21 — and the right-handed complement of Trevor Cahill, 21, average a tad over 23 years of age. That's the youngest rotation in baseball,
My favorite fallacy in all of baseball is that inexperienced pitchers are a detriment to a team. It's just not true that an unproven player is an ineffective one. Last year's AL Champion Rays had one pitcher older than 25, James Shields was 26. The White Sox relied on John Danks and Gavin Floyd. The Twins relied on, and got solid performances out of, rookies Kevin Slowey and Nick Blackburn. Let me provide an an analogy. You have two sandwiches. You're fairly certain one of the sandwiches is a turd sandwich. Let's call this sandwich "any available free agent pitcher outside of CC Sabathia". You don't know about the other sandwich. Let's call this sandwich a "Brett Anderson". Why would you pay 5-10 times as much for a known a turd sandwich when you could have a Brett Anderson, which seems like it could be pretty good? And yes, I did make this analogy to carry on firejoemorgan's food metaphors legacy.
The New York Yankees. They shelled out a seven-year, $161 million offseason contract for the enigmatic CC Sabathia, looking for the 6-foot-7, 290-pounder to recapture fans with his charisma and regain respect for the franchise with his power left arm.
CC Sabathia struggles every April. He has a 5.34 ERA in April over the last 3 years. You are a sports journalist. This is basic research. Somewhere along the way to writing an article, you two should meet.
But can he? Was that season-opening nightmare against Baltimore — the 96-pitch, 4 1/3-inning, 6 earned-run effort that includes 5 walks and no strikeouts — just a game to forget, or was it a sign of things to come?
It was a game to forget. You wanna know what my big issue with this article is? That Tracy Ringolsby consistently acknowledges the intelligent, reasonable point of view, then proceeds to spout nonsense. I call it a logic pump fake.
Dick Tracy then goes on about how injuries to Brandon Webb and Joe Mauer are bad for the D'Backs and Twins. The points are valid and also extremely obvious. Did you know that playing without your best player is a detriment to your team? I did and so did Tracy Ringolsby, but you might not have. Oh you did? And you say that we have insulted your intelligence? Hmmm. What other obvious situation could you point out as cause for alarm Tracy?
Cleveland. Will the real Cliff Lee please stand up?
Do you mean the one who has a 4.6 career ERA when you exclude last season's Esteban Loaiza-esque fluke? Because I think the Cleveland Indians would prefer that Cliff Lee, the real Cliff Lee, sit down and shut the hell up. I however have decided to stand up and leave because I am thoroughly done with this article.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Don't Tase Me Bro
So I promised I would rip on somebody other than ESPN. Without further ado, I bring to you the other people who say things so ridiculous that I want to tase them. Some deserve nothing more than a good shock to wake their ass up, others I would like to see twitching on the ground like Paris Hilton after an 8 ball, 3 Red Bulls, and a free sample pack of enzyte.
Unemployed? Boo the Yankees. Deep in debt? Take it out on the Yankees. Depressed by your 401(k)? Commit fan interference against the Yankees.
I stubbed my toe pretty bad on a desk today, can I dome rock Mark Texeira? Scientific studies have empirically shown that dome rocking Mark Texeira alleviates depression in 100% of tested individuals.
Orioles fans had no rational reason to boo Yankees first baseman Mark Teixeira on Monday, unless you believe that a free agent should give his hometown team a $30 million discount and ignore that team's 11 straight losing seasons.
It may seem that I skipped around in the article, but that's actually the next sentence. Let's not discuss the lack of any sort of connection between the two thoughts. Let's discuss the point of this though. If you were offered 150 million to play baseball for the team you rooted for growing up or 180 million to go to the rival of your favorite team growing up, which would team would you join? At what point does money stop mattering? Top of the line Lear jets cost 50 million dollars. After buying the most obscenely expensive, showy, and unnecessary item in the world you would still have 100 million dollars. What else can you buy? Orioles fans have the following rational reasons to boo Texeira: A) He is everything wrong with sports, shunning the opportunity to revive his hometown team in exchange for extra money that isn't particularly valuable to him. B) They paid for the tickets. If you pay the 40-50 bucks it costs to go to a game and you want to tell a player that you think he's an asshole, that's the advantage to being at a game instead of watching it on TV. Home field advantage exists because of the assholes at the game.
For one day, and probably only one day, Baltimore's Camden Yards was transformed from the funereal home of a bumbling franchise to the raucous center of a populist rebellion.
The first goal of this populist rebellion will be to round up all condescending sportswriters who use gross hyperbole in their articles, then firmly punch them in the trachea.
The Yankees sure didn't look like a club that went 24-10 in spring training,
That is a stupid statement. Spring training means nothing. You are stupid for believing otherwise.
but the season opener is merely the first of 162 games.
Are you really diminishing the importance of regular season games while using spring training performance as an indication of quality? Really? I realize it's only one game, but it still counts for more than all of spring training combined. If Counting Calories Sabathia can't get his shit together when the pressure's on, that's an issue.
Of course, things could get more interesting if fans throughout the American League take a cue from the generally docile Orioles crowd and seek to overthrow the Yankees by whatever means necessary.
THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN! SCREW THE YANKEES AND SCREW THE UNION!
An Orioles fan sitting in the left-field seats actually had the audacity to interfere with Yankees left fielder Johnny Damon on Izturis' two-run homer in the eighth
Rosenthal also compared this situation to the infamous Jeffrey Maier intervention. Jeffrey Maier clearly interfered with a game tying home run in the 8th inning of the ALCS. The anonymous fan in question MAY have interfered with an insurance run in a regular season game. Do I have to taser the concept of magnitude into your brain Mr. Rosenthal?
The play, if marketed properly, could spark an anti-Yankees crusade, filling ballparks across America.
Marketed by who? How would watching an inconsequential non-call spark an anti-Yankees crusade? How would this bring more people to baseball games? People already hated the Yankees, this changes nothing. Absolutely nothing. What were you thinking when you wrote this Ken Rosenthal? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?
First up, Ken Rosenthal of foxsports.com who thinks the yankees are getting an unfair rap.
Unemployed? Boo the Yankees. Deep in debt? Take it out on the Yankees. Depressed by your 401(k)? Commit fan interference against the Yankees.
I stubbed my toe pretty bad on a desk today, can I dome rock Mark Texeira? Scientific studies have empirically shown that dome rocking Mark Texeira alleviates depression in 100% of tested individuals.
Orioles fans had no rational reason to boo Yankees first baseman Mark Teixeira on Monday, unless you believe that a free agent should give his hometown team a $30 million discount and ignore that team's 11 straight losing seasons.
It may seem that I skipped around in the article, but that's actually the next sentence. Let's not discuss the lack of any sort of connection between the two thoughts. Let's discuss the point of this though. If you were offered 150 million to play baseball for the team you rooted for growing up or 180 million to go to the rival of your favorite team growing up, which would team would you join? At what point does money stop mattering? Top of the line Lear jets cost 50 million dollars. After buying the most obscenely expensive, showy, and unnecessary item in the world you would still have 100 million dollars. What else can you buy? Orioles fans have the following rational reasons to boo Texeira: A) He is everything wrong with sports, shunning the opportunity to revive his hometown team in exchange for extra money that isn't particularly valuable to him. B) They paid for the tickets. If you pay the 40-50 bucks it costs to go to a game and you want to tell a player that you think he's an asshole, that's the advantage to being at a game instead of watching it on TV. Home field advantage exists because of the assholes at the game.
For one day, and probably only one day, Baltimore's Camden Yards was transformed from the funereal home of a bumbling franchise to the raucous center of a populist rebellion.
The first goal of this populist rebellion will be to round up all condescending sportswriters who use gross hyperbole in their articles, then firmly punch them in the trachea.
The Yankees sure didn't look like a club that went 24-10 in spring training,
That is a stupid statement. Spring training means nothing. You are stupid for believing otherwise.
but the season opener is merely the first of 162 games.
Are you really diminishing the importance of regular season games while using spring training performance as an indication of quality? Really? I realize it's only one game, but it still counts for more than all of spring training combined. If Counting Calories Sabathia can't get his shit together when the pressure's on, that's an issue.
Of course, things could get more interesting if fans throughout the American League take a cue from the generally docile Orioles crowd and seek to overthrow the Yankees by whatever means necessary.
THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN! SCREW THE YANKEES AND SCREW THE UNION!
An Orioles fan sitting in the left-field seats actually had the audacity to interfere with Yankees left fielder Johnny Damon on Izturis' two-run homer in the eighth
Rosenthal also compared this situation to the infamous Jeffrey Maier intervention. Jeffrey Maier clearly interfered with a game tying home run in the 8th inning of the ALCS. The anonymous fan in question MAY have interfered with an insurance run in a regular season game. Do I have to taser the concept of magnitude into your brain Mr. Rosenthal?
The play, if marketed properly, could spark an anti-Yankees crusade, filling ballparks across America.
Marketed by who? How would watching an inconsequential non-call spark an anti-Yankees crusade? How would this bring more people to baseball games? People already hated the Yankees, this changes nothing. Absolutely nothing. What were you thinking when you wrote this Ken Rosenthal? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
The Return Of The King
That is fucking right, I am done giving a damn about anything in my life except this blog. Why? Because school doesn't matter. So what if it's been 5 months, I had other things to do. I won't say better things because that would be a blatant lie. To explain my absence, here is a list of things I did during my hiatus: I showed the Mongols how to get past the Great Wall, urinated on the moon, the Hamburgler attempted to swipe my happy meal so I curb stomped him, served time for curb stomping the Hamburgler, broke off contact with a group of friends because they didn't like Gus Johnson, I kissed a girl and I liked it, discovered that Mos Def is the best rapper around, and thought a lot. It was mostly fun.
My return is prompted largely by the death of firejoemorgan.com, which is simply the greatest critical commentary out there. Really sad to see it go. But I'll try to fill there shoes by attempting to make money by criticizing every sports related jack off who gets paid to make outrageous, outlandish, and socially dangerous claims. I've only made 20 cents for writing this blog, so my outrageous, outlandish, and socially dangerous claims aren't a problem. Yet.
Who's douche bag number one on my list? Mark Schlereth. You may know him as the ESPN personality, analyst is a highly inappropriate term, who appeared as Roc Hoover in the long running soap opera "The Guiding Light". Coincidentally, "The Guiding Light" was cancelled by CBS this year after 72 years on TV. Call it the Mark Schlereth effect. My love for day time soaps aside, Mark Schlereth has all the the speaking ability of a flustered 8th grader. Check out his commentary on the Jay Cutler trade at http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=4035919&categoryid=2459789. However, if you'd like to save 30 seconds and the majority of your brain cells, I can sum it up with "I mean really Jay, first you didn't want to be traded, now you do. I mean come on. Really. Come on. I don't buy it." Yeah Jay! Come on! Really! First you want to lead your team, then you're upset when the new coach tries to dump you for his guy without telling you? Well Mark Schlereth isn't sipping from your purple drink my friend. You feel betrayed by this? It's a team game buddy, and if the owner wants to treat you like a commodity to improve the team so he can make more money, then you sit on it and take it like a man. That's what Mark Schlereth would have done. Is Jay Cutler arrogant and could he have done more to stay in Denver? Probably, we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. But when I think of hires off the Belicheck coaching tree, I can't help recall another arrogant fuck of an offensive coordinator who recently proved to be a hack running a proud football team into the ground. Is Josh McDaniels the next Charlie Weis? I'd bet on it. And really how hypocritical is Pat Bowlen going out and smearing this kid when he made John Elway the face of his franchise and good friend? Elway pulled a far worse punk move when he refused to go to Baltimore in the '83 draft. Mr. Bowlen, I insist you eat a shut the fuck up sandwich.
My return is prompted largely by the death of firejoemorgan.com, which is simply the greatest critical commentary out there. Really sad to see it go. But I'll try to fill there shoes by attempting to make money by criticizing every sports related jack off who gets paid to make outrageous, outlandish, and socially dangerous claims. I've only made 20 cents for writing this blog, so my outrageous, outlandish, and socially dangerous claims aren't a problem. Yet.
Who's douche bag number one on my list? Mark Schlereth. You may know him as the ESPN personality, analyst is a highly inappropriate term, who appeared as Roc Hoover in the long running soap opera "The Guiding Light". Coincidentally, "The Guiding Light" was cancelled by CBS this year after 72 years on TV. Call it the Mark Schlereth effect. My love for day time soaps aside, Mark Schlereth has all the the speaking ability of a flustered 8th grader. Check out his commentary on the Jay Cutler trade at http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=4035919&categoryid=2459789. However, if you'd like to save 30 seconds and the majority of your brain cells, I can sum it up with "I mean really Jay, first you didn't want to be traded, now you do. I mean come on. Really. Come on. I don't buy it." Yeah Jay! Come on! Really! First you want to lead your team, then you're upset when the new coach tries to dump you for his guy without telling you? Well Mark Schlereth isn't sipping from your purple drink my friend. You feel betrayed by this? It's a team game buddy, and if the owner wants to treat you like a commodity to improve the team so he can make more money, then you sit on it and take it like a man. That's what Mark Schlereth would have done. Is Jay Cutler arrogant and could he have done more to stay in Denver? Probably, we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. But when I think of hires off the Belicheck coaching tree, I can't help recall another arrogant fuck of an offensive coordinator who recently proved to be a hack running a proud football team into the ground. Is Josh McDaniels the next Charlie Weis? I'd bet on it. And really how hypocritical is Pat Bowlen going out and smearing this kid when he made John Elway the face of his franchise and good friend? Elway pulled a far worse punk move when he refused to go to Baltimore in the '83 draft. Mr. Bowlen, I insist you eat a shut the fuck up sandwich.
My first ever Stevie Janowski "Who the fuck are you?! WHO the FUCK are YOU!?" quote of the week goes to Steve Phillips for telling Dan Shulman "Well I was a better baseball player than you." Here's the thing Steve, a lot of people were/are better at baseball than Dan Shulman, he's a Canadian with a degree in actuarial science. We all think you're very cool, but please stick to talking about baseball.
I'm glad Blake Griffin went pro. Now I won't ever have to see another CBS cutaway to his mom screaming at the refs when her son doesn't get a foul call. Seriously, I love watching psychotic women yell about sports, it's why I watch Jay Mariotti. Thanks CBS, you know me so well.
I made Jim from the Office's Awkward Face roughly 417 times while listening Bill Simmons's podcast with Rick Reilly. The two could not be more uncomfortable together. It didn't help that they were talking about race for part of it. I question the thought process behind it. "Hey, let's get two guys who don't like each other together and have them discuss golf and race. This is why I work at ESPN!" Should've thrown Scoop Jackson in their so he could talk about Padraig Harrington being an Uncle Tom. Not sure what that means, but I like they way it sounds.
Next article I'll be criticizing non-ESPN workers. Hooray!
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