My return is prompted largely by the death of firejoemorgan.com, which is simply the greatest critical commentary out there. Really sad to see it go. But I'll try to fill there shoes by attempting to make money by criticizing every sports related jack off who gets paid to make outrageous, outlandish, and socially dangerous claims. I've only made 20 cents for writing this blog, so my outrageous, outlandish, and socially dangerous claims aren't a problem. Yet.
Who's douche bag number one on my list? Mark Schlereth. You may know him as the ESPN personality, analyst is a highly inappropriate term, who appeared as Roc Hoover in the long running soap opera "The Guiding Light". Coincidentally, "The Guiding Light" was cancelled by CBS this year after 72 years on TV. Call it the Mark Schlereth effect. My love for day time soaps aside, Mark Schlereth has all the the speaking ability of a flustered 8th grader. Check out his commentary on the Jay Cutler trade at http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=4035919&categoryid=2459789. However, if you'd like to save 30 seconds and the majority of your brain cells, I can sum it up with "I mean really Jay, first you didn't want to be traded, now you do. I mean come on. Really. Come on. I don't buy it." Yeah Jay! Come on! Really! First you want to lead your team, then you're upset when the new coach tries to dump you for his guy without telling you? Well Mark Schlereth isn't sipping from your purple drink my friend. You feel betrayed by this? It's a team game buddy, and if the owner wants to treat you like a commodity to improve the team so he can make more money, then you sit on it and take it like a man. That's what Mark Schlereth would have done. Is Jay Cutler arrogant and could he have done more to stay in Denver? Probably, we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. But when I think of hires off the Belicheck coaching tree, I can't help recall another arrogant fuck of an offensive coordinator who recently proved to be a hack running a proud football team into the ground. Is Josh McDaniels the next Charlie Weis? I'd bet on it. And really how hypocritical is Pat Bowlen going out and smearing this kid when he made John Elway the face of his franchise and good friend? Elway pulled a far worse punk move when he refused to go to Baltimore in the '83 draft. Mr. Bowlen, I insist you eat a shut the fuck up sandwich.
My first ever Stevie Janowski "Who the fuck are you?! WHO the FUCK are YOU!?" quote of the week goes to Steve Phillips for telling Dan Shulman "Well I was a better baseball player than you." Here's the thing Steve, a lot of people were/are better at baseball than Dan Shulman, he's a Canadian with a degree in actuarial science. We all think you're very cool, but please stick to talking about baseball.
I'm glad Blake Griffin went pro. Now I won't ever have to see another CBS cutaway to his mom screaming at the refs when her son doesn't get a foul call. Seriously, I love watching psychotic women yell about sports, it's why I watch Jay Mariotti. Thanks CBS, you know me so well.
I made Jim from the Office's Awkward Face roughly 417 times while listening Bill Simmons's podcast with Rick Reilly. The two could not be more uncomfortable together. It didn't help that they were talking about race for part of it. I question the thought process behind it. "Hey, let's get two guys who don't like each other together and have them discuss golf and race. This is why I work at ESPN!" Should've thrown Scoop Jackson in their so he could talk about Padraig Harrington being an Uncle Tom. Not sure what that means, but I like they way it sounds.
Next article I'll be criticizing non-ESPN workers. Hooray!
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