Panic! At The Disco

It's been a full 6 days since the first MLB regular season game. Could somebody start pushing the Panic Button? Thanks for obliging Tracy Ringolsby. 

Sure it's only a series into the season.

You acknowledge the concept of reason. I like this.

And even those 1969 expansion San Diego Padres swept Houston in their first series ever, only to lose 110 of the final 159 games in their first season of existence.

You seem to have a decent knowledge of baseball as well. I like this.

Truth be told, however, it's never too early to worry if you are:

Fuck you Tracy.

The Oakland A's.

The A's had taken two of three from the Angels when this article was written. What is prompting this? Why are they the first team that comes to mind when you think of teams that should be worried?

But is anybody really serious in claiming this team has a chance to stun the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in the AL West?

Nope! It was all a joke! You got punk'd bitch!

[The A's] Offense is great, but there's still the need to get 27 outs. And be honest: These aren't the A's of Mark Mulder, Tim Hudson and Barry Zito anchoring the rotation,

Those 3 guys suck right now. They make up the Holy Triumvirate of Suck. Billy Beane was smart to trade them.

or even from the era of Dan Haren, Rich Harden and Joe Blanton,

This is a half reasonable point. Haren's pretty damn good. But Oakland took two of the guys they got from Arizona, packaged them with Huston Street, and got Matt Holliday. And they got two high level prospects who are going to start in the rotation this year. So I don't think they regret that. Harden is an oft-injured 6-inning pitcher who has been far better for the Cubs than he was for the A's. Joe Blanton is about as average a pitcher as they make them. I would be surprised if the A's couldn't replace his career 4.30 ERA.

There may be a lot of potential, but there is a reason they are called prospects, and it's not because they have proven they are ready for the prime time players. The four lefties — Dallas Braden and Dana Eveland, both 25, Josh Outman, 24, and Brett Anderson, 21 — and the right-handed complement of Trevor Cahill, 21, average a tad over 23 years of age. That's the youngest rotation in baseball,

My favorite fallacy in all of baseball is that inexperienced pitchers are a detriment to a team. It's just not true that an unproven player is an ineffective one. Last year's AL Champion Rays had one pitcher older than 25, James Shields was 26. The White Sox relied on John Danks and Gavin Floyd. The Twins relied on, and got solid performances out of, rookies Kevin Slowey and Nick Blackburn. Let me provide an an analogy. You have two sandwiches. You're fairly certain one of the sandwiches is a turd sandwich. Let's call this sandwich "any available free agent pitcher outside of CC Sabathia". You don't know about the other sandwich. Let's call this sandwich a "Brett Anderson". Why would you pay 5-10 times as much for a known a turd sandwich when you could have a Brett Anderson, which seems like it could be pretty good? And yes, I did make this analogy to carry on firejoemorgan's food metaphors legacy.

The New York Yankees. They shelled out a seven-year, $161 million offseason contract for the enigmatic CC Sabathia, looking for the 6-foot-7, 290-pounder to recapture fans with his charisma and regain respect for the franchise with his power left arm.

CC Sabathia struggles every April. He has a 5.34 ERA in April over the last 3 years. You are a sports journalist. This is basic research. Somewhere along the way to writing an article, you two should meet.

But can he? Was that season-opening nightmare against Baltimore — the 96-pitch, 4 1/3-inning, 6 earned-run effort that includes 5 walks and no strikeouts — just a game to forget, or was it a sign of things to come?

It was a game to forget. You wanna know what my big issue with this article is? That Tracy Ringolsby consistently acknowledges the intelligent, reasonable point of view, then proceeds to spout nonsense. I call it a logic pump fake.

Dick Tracy then goes on about how injuries to Brandon Webb and Joe Mauer are bad for the D'Backs and Twins. The points are valid and also extremely obvious. Did you know that playing without your best player is a detriment to your team? I did and so did Tracy Ringolsby, but you might not have. Oh you did? And you say that we have insulted your intelligence? Hmmm. What other obvious situation could you point out as cause for alarm Tracy?

Cleveland. Will the real Cliff Lee please stand up?

Do you mean the one who has a 4.6 career ERA when you exclude last season's Esteban Loaiza-esque fluke? Because I think the Cleveland Indians would prefer that Cliff Lee, the real Cliff Lee, sit down and shut the hell up. I however have decided to stand up and leave because I am thoroughly done with this article.