So many incomprehensible things were said during the NFL draft over these 2 days, unfortunately I wasn't in front of a computer for all of them. Sure there were the clichés, "This guy really loves football!" (Who the fuck doesn't?), but it was a stand out day for whimsical nonsense. Paraphrases of some of my favorites:
Patrick Chung, now here's an interesting story. Father came over on a boat from China, took a wrong turn, ended up in Jamaica.- Chris Berman
Anyone who has ever seen a map knows this is impossible.
Bill Cosby has befriended Quan Cosby because he likes his name. They are not related.- Erin Andrews
I wasn't really paying attention to what Erin Andrews was saying because I was busy pleasuring myself. Talk sports me to Erin, I like that. Anyways, I'm pretty sure this actually happened. Well played Bill Cosby, this is an impressive act of strange.
If you ain't been in the NFL, you don't know what it takes to be a player.- Cris Carter
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW, OK!? YOU DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW! What if I said if you haven't taken a course about public speaking or the english language, then you shouldn't be on national television touting your opinions? How would you feel about that Cris Carter?
You know what other wide receiver didn't run a great forty time? Jerry Rice.- Everybody
Listen, I don't buy the forty yard dash as a tool for evaluating players. Anquan Boldin ran a 4.7, and he still managed to bust a 71 yard drag pattern for a TD against the Falcons in the playoffs. Guys train for several weeks to run the forty, going over very specific techniques and whatever, and it's gotten to the point where it's not particularly applicable to actual football. If you want to make an argument for the relative unimportance of the forty yard dash, then you should say something similar to what I just did. You should not say "Jerry was slow too! And he was the best!". Jerry Rice did just about everything else better than everybody else, chances are Hakeem Nicks will not do this.
BREAKING NEWS: Erin Andrews is currently sandwiched between Quan Cosby and Dr. Bill Cosby on the same couch. Quan Cosby is on the phone with a friend and Bill Cosby is wearing a Temple football helmet. I have decided that this would be the strangest group sex scene that could ever occur. This is the game I play whenever I see Erin interviewing a group of guys who clearly want to bag her. Up until this interview, it was her appearance before the draft with the five Crabtree boys. Can you tell that I respect Erin as a reporter?
A few final thoughts:
Mark Sanchez will be a bust. For every game he played in college, the talent surrounding him was significantly better than the talent on the other team. I absolutely doubt his ability to compete when the defense is as good as his offense.
Malcolm Jenkins will be a bust because he doesn't have a clear position.
I think Arizona got the best pick of the day when they got Beanie Wells. He's a risk because he's not too durable, but that guy is a freak of nature. I was amazed when I watched him play LSU in the '07 national championship game. He was running over All-Americans like it was nothing.
Kenny Britt was a very good pick for the Titans.
I hated watching teams like the Browns trade down because of monetary issues. Let's fix this recession now before it starts taking down things that actually matter. Like football.
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