Boston Surpasses New York On Sports Douche Baggery Scale

Wow. I don't know who to thank for this god awful piece of shit written by Adam Kilgore, but it is perfect for this blog. I guess I'll thank Tonatiuh, the Aztec sun god. He will receive a nice goat.

ANAHEIM, Calif. - Josh Beckett found himself in a difficult situation early into his workday yesterday afternoon. The first inning wasn't complete, and a speedy baserunner, Chone Figgins, stood on second.

Being cornered by a territorial panther is a difficult situation. Being born without the ability to detect hot and cold is a difficult situation. Facing Bobby Abreu with a runner on second in the bottom of the first is baseball.

Beckett wanted to throw off Figgins's timing, and with Bobby Abreu in the batter's box, Beckett decided the best way to do that would be to hold the ball. He stood like a statue on the rubber. He looked at second base once, twice, three times.

Let me condense all that for you: Beckett decided to be a prick.

After the third time, he kicked his leg. Abreu called time. Plate umpire Paul Schrieber granted it. Beckett chucked the ball when time was called and his delivery had started. He believes trying to stop short can injure a pitcher, maybe even end a career, so he fired the pitch.

Please insert the words "at Abreu's head" at the end of the last sentence. That way it isn't misleading.

"It could have gone anywhere," he [Beckett] said.

Bobby Abreu's head does technically fit under the category of anywhere.

But it went directly at Abreu's head, which sparked the clearing of benches. Players streamed in from the dugouts. Pitchers sprinted in from the bullpen. The field cleared, then was flooded again. The teams circled each other, the only damage inflicted upon vocal cords. By the time the posturing concluded, umpires had ejected four Angels - including manager Mike Scioscia and center fielder Torii Hunter - and no Red Sox.

One of the most egregious examples of piss poor umpiring I've ever seen. Ed Rapuano, Paul Schreiber, Joe West, and Marvin Hudson should have to walk around with feces smeared on their foreheads as a mark of shame.

Bias colored every perspective.

Bias colors your perspective. Everybody outside of Boston agrees that Josh Beckett deserves a swift kick in the dick.

Beckett, the only person who knew the true motivation of his wayward pitch, said:

Stop it. You don't have to have telepathic powers to know when a guy is being an asshole. I am 100 percent convinced that both Adam Kilgore and Josh Beckett are assholes and I don't start telepathy classes for another 6 weeks.

"That's what I always do. I'm not going to stop when I'm that far in. I've never hit anybody in the head, and it's not on my list of [stuff] to get done. People can think what they want to think."

I think I'm going to call up Tonya Harding and ask for the number of the guy she used to bust Nancy Kerrigan's leg. I'd go into further detail but that would make the reader's accessories and I don't feel like putting that on them.

During the skirmish, Beckett said, he looked at Abreu and said, 'Hey. Come on.'

This is an extraordinarily misleading sentence. Abreu was talking to the umpire and Beckett walked over and barked the "Hey. Come on," in the same way he would say "Fuck you Bobby". It was not said in a "Hey, it was an accident, let's move on," manner. William Hearst, and really anyone else who likes inflammatory half-truths, would be proud of the type of journalism Adam Kilgore practices.

"I know Bobby Abreu," Beckett said. "He knows I'm not trying to hit him in the head."

Actually, he thinks the exact opposite.

"That was about as flagrant as anything I have seen in this game and it's unfortunate," Scioscia said. "Usually the pitcher will show a little bit of remorse. We didn't see any of that from Beckett. [sic] "There were some things that happened on the field that were disturbing and I feel the league has to look into it."

Sorry Scioscia, Commissioner Bud is hibernating with his head up his ass until the all-star break. And there's no chance his minions will interrupt his slumber so he can suspend the ace of one of his most marketable teams. Said minion would be immediately eviscerated, and they all know that.

Angels reliever Justin Speier was the most aggressive player while both teams occupied the infield. Teammates restrained him after he charged in from the bullpen in left field, and he was ejected.

I would say Josh Beckett was the most aggressive. He threw a pitch at Abreu's head, then walked over and started talking shit, then tried to fight Mike Scoscia, then told took out billboard ad on Interstate 5 so that every day Angels fans on the way to a ballgame would have to drive past a picture of Josh Beckett's middle finger.

"What Beckett did was totally uncalled for," Speier said. "To throw a 94-mile per hour fastball at his head is totally disrespectful to us and disrespectful to the game. Then he has the gall to chase Abreu and then start talking smack to Abreu and our manager."

Let me condense all that for you: Beckett is a prick.

By the end of the dustup, some of the Angels' anger had turned from the Red Sox to the umpires. "There were just some words said that were just outrageous," Hunter said. "And it wasn't from the Red Sox." Hunter was ejected after yelling at umpires, but crew chief Joe West said he was ejected because he threatened to fight Beckett.

Joe West? The same Joe West who sings country music, tackles catchers, and ejects camera men? Sounds like a douche.

"The Angels were the aggressors," West said. "That's why they were ejected. They were the aggressors and Beckett was warned.

Yeah, definitely a douche. Out of all the outrageous things said in this article, Joe West is gonna wind up taking home this week's Stevie Janowski "Who the fuck are you?! WHO the FUCK are YOU!?" quote of the week. I honestly can't take this quote seriously. Do you even know what an aggressor is Joe West? Were you awake when this conflict started? Let's recap: Beckett throws high and tight after time is called, then starts talking shit to Bobby Abreu, the Angels are agressors. That takes some incredible bounds of illogic, even when you consider that Joe West is a country musician. Beckett was warned Joe West? Beckett was warned and 4 Angels were ejected?

Joe West (to Beckett): Hey Josh, you better not throw another pitch at a guy's head. That's not acceptable.
Mike Scioscia nods.
Joe West (turning to Scioscia): GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
Scioscia laughs as if it's a joke.
Joe West: I WILL PUT A BOOT IN YOUR ASS! LEAVE NOW!
Scioscia walks away shaking his head in confusion

And lastly, most importantly, why the fuck is Joe West talking to the media about this? Umpires are like children, they should be seen and not heard. Here is a list of things that are more important than Joe West and his ridiculous views on reality:
My ridiculous views on reality
Bromance
The plight of the endangered Okapi
Fad diets
People who live in New Jersey
People who don't live in New Jersey
Bill O'Reilly's ridiculous views on reality
CBS's tuesday night lineup next fall
Creationism
The TV show Madden Nation

And for the sake of continuing a joke, let me condense all that for you: Shut up Joe West.

"We even charged the Red Sox with a trip to the mound, because the manager and the pitching coach were standing there when we separated everybody."

Are you still talking Joe West? Really? Fucking really? Charging a mound trip isn't jack shit compared to ejecting a team's manager, center fielder, and hitting coach. Speier didn't matter much, but you're still a dick for tossing him.

"They weren't happy about that either, so we had everybody mad at us."

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH. I hate you Joe West. I hate you Josh Beckett. I hate you Boston Red Sox. I hate you Boston Globe. I hate you Boston (insert noun here). This article (and the subsequent reader comments which I refuse to address) are why you have officially passed New York as America's most detested sports city.