Prepare For Glory

College football kicks off tomorrow, and frankly it's the greatest thing ever. Why is it better than the NFL? Because there's an underdog, tradition, real rivalries, and the clock stops after first downs making the fourth quarter infinitely more exciting. Pro football just doesn't compare, especially when it comes to rivalries. Michigan/Ohio State kicks the living crap out of Bears/Packers. So strap on your beer helmets and lock the female figures out of the house, it is time.

ESPN kicked off the football season by signing a 15 year contract with the SEC, which means they're gonna shove their head so far up that conference's ass that they'll be wearing Urban Meyer's colon as a hat. If I hear one more time that SEC football is "just different" and "simply better than everyone else", I'm going to drive over to Bristol and punch Gameday's producer square in the trachea. People like to dump on the Big 10, but over the past 5 years, the conferences are 9-9 against each other in bowl games (that info thanks to the extremely biased secsportsfan.com). Factor in that every single one of those games is a road game for the Big 10 team, and it looks like the middle and upper tiers of the Big 10 are better than those of the SEC. The only real difference is that the SEC has a much better lower class of teams (Vanderbilt, South Carolina, Ole Miss, and Mississippi State are better than Minnesota, Northwestern, Purdue, and Indiana). The fact that Ohio State got blown out by Florida, after a fluke but karma delivering injury to their key offensive player when he was celebrating a touchdown, should not be representative of the entire argument. Last year everyone knew LSU was head and shoulders above every other team in the country. #7 USC lost to Stanford, #5 Georgia lost to Troy, #3 Virginia Tech already lost by 40 to LSU, #4 Oklahoma lost to Colorado and Texas Tech, #8 Kansas was no better than Michigan State and got to the Orange Bowl by running up the score on garbage opponents, #6 Missouri was pretty much, make that exactly, the same team as Illinois. I am more than happy to credit the SEC with the best 2 teams in the last 2 years, but it is simply not a group of NFL teams dominating the collegiate level.

Now that I got my rant about the SEC out of the way, with minor jabs at the Big 12 which people also overrate, let's talk this year. My rule is that I don't talk about teams that I haven't watched, because it's so obvious when somebody like Lee Corso or one of your friends does this. So far I've watched a few Michigan practice highlights and South Carolina vs. NC State. South Carolina blew NC State out, and yet I'm still sure that they are a bad team. They threw 4 picks and still managed to shut the Wolfpack out. Frankly, it's more of a testament to NC State's incredible sucking power.

Why is everybody crapping on Michigan saying they're going to go 7-5? They just brought in the spread offense. Northwestern can go 7-5 in the Big 10 with a spread (the true weakness of the Big 10 is shoddy, old-fashioned coaching), I think Michigan can at least pull off 9 wins. Yeah they have a red-shirt freshman QB, but a senior wouldn't have a significant edge in knowing the system. The spread turned Pat Whie, a receiver for goodness sake, into a Heisman candidate QB. Yes the speed option is missing, but Michigan has a stable of really good running backs who actually fit the spread offense (Carlos Brown, Avery Horn, and Brandon Minor) which should be able to push ahead on the ground. Spread receivers don't need to be spectacular, just fast with one big guy, and there aren't a lot of complex patterns for them to run. You know who's excited to see what youtube legend Sam McGuffie can do with a bubble screen or quick slant? THIS guy. Frankly, it's one of the simplest and most effective offenses to run, and with talented players it can be absolutely devastating. Other important factors: the defense is actually in shape for once as they have been trained by a man who is essentially the physical embodiment of all those Chuck Norris jokes, there's an actual coaching staff, there's no pressure, they only play one team (Ohio State) that is a significant favorite and they have already been proven to be weak against the spread. Every game they play is winnable, I just don't expect them to win every game. Just more than 7.

Baseball introduced instant replay thursday. Kenny Rogers said that it shouldn't be done because you don't get a mulligan or a chance to redo mistakes in real life. Who the F*** asked you, Kenny Rogers? You still mad you didn't get a redo that time you attacked a camera man?

Upset Alerts for tomorrow's games: #17 Virginia Tech at ECU, #6 Missouri vs. #20 Illinois.
Lock: #3 USC at Virginia
Underdog who covers: Bowling Green at #25 Pittsburgh.

Remember that gambling is illegal and that information is for the purpose of winning Monopoly Dollars only. Any person caught gambling shall be condemned to hell where they will experience pain beyond imagination because a man in an exquisite hat and white robes told me so.

Has anyone noticed that the best analysts of a sport are often guys who never played? Most of the ex-players suck. As such is this case, the following people should simply be replaced by Erin Andrews or cardboard cutouts of Erin Andrews: Shannon Sharpe, Tom Jackson, Bob Kruk, Fernando Viña, Jalen Rose, and Lou Holtz should simply be euthanized.

Now it is time for rest, for tomorrow shall be a big day. You can now go back to stalking people on facebook or myspace or even in real life. I promise I won't judge you for it.