Everybody's Favorite Game Show!

I call it "What The Hell Are You Thinking?". It's pretty self-explanatory.

Contestant number one is Stu Jackson, the NBA executive in charge of handing out suspensions and a super mega butthole. Let's review the suspensions that have been handed out recently and try to find a pattern, shall we?
1. Robert Horry hip checks Steve Nash into the scorer's table: 2 games.
2. Rajon Rondo throws Kirk Hinrich into the scorer's table: No suspension.
3. Rafer Alston gives Eddie House a what-the-fuck-was-that head smack: 1 game.
4. Rajon Rondo takes a running swipe at Brad Miller's face, giving him several stiches: Not even a flagrant.
5. Dwight Howard throws a a malicious elbow above Samuel Dalembert's shoulders: 1 game as defined by the NBA rulebook.
6. Kendrick Perkins throws a malicious elbow above Mickael Pietrus's shoulder's: 0 games, despite this situation being outlined as an automatic suspension in the rule book and the precedent set by Dwight Howard.
Do you see the pattern? Hint: it's that small market teams get suspensions while big market teams don't. But that's not even the best part. It gets better if you take a look at Stu Jackson's actual quotes:
"It's clear in our rules that we treat elbow contact above the shoulder area differently than we do for other parts of the body."
False. Not true. You are lying. What's clear in the rules is that you should treat elbow contact above the shoulder area differently than for other parts of the body. What's clear by your refusal to suspend Kendrick Perkins when he elbowed my Mickael Pietrus in the neck, and according to this chart the neck is above the shoulder, is that you don't give a flying fuck about the rules.
"We didn't think much about this penalty [Alston's suspension] because the rule here is clear -- any player who swings his hand, whether with an open or closed fist and whether or not that hand connects -- we suspend them for one game."
See example 4 for why this statement is actually satire.

Contestant Number 2: The Incredible Kruk. For his over the top, self-righteous rant against Manny Ramirez. To paraphrase, John explains that all the other Dodgers followed Manny around like puppy dogs, that he gave them all advice on hitting and baseball, and that by taking performance enhancing drugs Manny placed himself above the team. He also questions why anyone would want him on their team. Dear Mr. Kruk, how is taking performance enhancing drugs putting yourself above the team? Is it because they make you perform better, thus improving the team's chances of winning? Is it because the illegal edge PEDs gave Manny last year rocketed the Dodgers into the playoffs?* Is it because PEDs turn a guy into a complete asshole, someone who would not go around giving advice to young hitters on how to improve themselves? You know, the kind of advice that comes from one of the best hitters of his generation, that's still valid even though he was taking PEDs?

Let's be honest about this era of baseball. It is reasonable to assume that every great hitter from this generation was taking some form of PED. It was too easy to cheat and not get caught, and there were too many guys cheating for most good players to stay clean. I won't get into the debate about whether or not Manny should make the Hall, because I don't know how I feel about it. But this is not an example of Manny placing himself above the team. Manny placed himself above the team when he quit on the Red Sox. Manny placed himself above the team when he held out for a preposterous contract nobody could afford during the worst economic crisis in 30 years. Manny is a douche. It's that simple. But he is also a hell of a baseball player and seems to be a good teammate in LA. It's OK to hate him, to rail against him, to say he embarrassed the game. But don't be a fucking pawn who freaks out whenever PEDs are brought up in an attempt to re-sanctify the game. If baseball ever does regain the image it once had, it sure as hell won't be because of the misplaced indignation of the "writers" who cover it.

Contestant Number 3: Mark Wunderlich and Magic Johnson competing as a tag team. Wunderlich is the official who didn't call the intentional foul while time wound down in the Mavericks-Nuggets game. He was so incredibly incompetent that the NBA actually admitted a mistake. Let me restate that for emphasis. This man was so unbelievably fucking incompetent that the NBA, which as protocol never admits error, had to admit that its terrible officiating did in fact effect the outcome of a game. Mark Cuban hasn't come out with his reaction yet because his head actually exploded. Marky Mark was also involved in the Portland-Houston playoff game where the Houston crowd started chanting "These refs suck!". For the record, I read some of Mark Wunderlich's bio and he seems like a genuinely good guy. He just happens to be a terrible official and I believe the NBA really needs to be called out about all the piss poor officiating that occurs in the league.

Helping him find his way to the podium will be Magic Johnson, who actually believes that it's the Mavericks fault a foul wasn't called because they didn't tell the refs they were trying to intentional foul. I would like to explain to Magic that it's called an intentional foul because it is obvious to everyone in the building that you are fouling the guy on purpose, hoping to make the ref blow the whistle. If a situation is obvious to everyone in the building but the official, then there's something wrong with the official not everybody else. Part of the reason we have such shitty officiating is that people like Magic Johnson make an excuse for them every time they make an egregious error. If their job is so damn hard, then put a fourth man on the crew. Or bump their pay and make the field more attractive to potential competitors. Competition improves quality. That's a little economics lesson for the NBA front office, because they seem to care far more about making a buck than the quality and integrity of the league.