Monday, May 11, 2009
It's Notre Dame Week
…on College Football Live! What the hell did they do to earn a week of national television time? Has anything else been as consistently disappointing as Notre Dame football since 1999? Maybe Family Guy? Is Seth MacFarlane a bigger douche than Charlie Weis (not in the purely physical sense of course where Wies would win in a land slide)? THESE are the questions.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Everybody's Favorite Game Show!
I call it "What The Hell Are You Thinking?". It's pretty self-explanatory.
Contestant number one is Stu Jackson, the NBA executive in charge of handing out suspensions and a super mega butthole. Let's review the suspensions that have been handed out recently and try to find a pattern, shall we?
1. Robert Horry hip checks Steve Nash into the scorer's table: 2 games.
2. Rajon Rondo throws Kirk Hinrich into the scorer's table: No suspension.
3. Rafer Alston gives Eddie House a what-the-fuck-was-that head smack: 1 game.
4. Rajon Rondo takes a running swipe at Brad Miller's face, giving him several stiches: Not even a flagrant.
5. Dwight Howard throws a a malicious elbow above Samuel Dalembert's shoulders: 1 game as defined by the NBA rulebook.
6. Kendrick Perkins throws a malicious elbow above Mickael Pietrus's shoulder's: 0 games, despite this situation being outlined as an automatic suspension in the rule book and the precedent set by Dwight Howard.
Do you see the pattern? Hint: it's that small market teams get suspensions while big market teams don't. But that's not even the best part. It gets better if you take a look at Stu Jackson's actual quotes:
"It's clear in our rules that we treat elbow contact above the shoulder area differently than we do for other parts of the body."
False. Not true. You are lying. What's clear in the rules is that you should treat elbow contact above the shoulder area differently than for other parts of the body. What's clear by your refusal to suspend Kendrick Perkins when he elbowed my Mickael Pietrus in the neck, and according to this chart the neck is above the shoulder, is that you don't give a flying fuck about the rules.
"We didn't think much about this penalty [Alston's suspension] because the rule here is clear -- any player who swings his hand, whether with an open or closed fist and whether or not that hand connects -- we suspend them for one game."
See example 4 for why this statement is actually satire.
Contestant Number 2: The Incredible Kruk. For his over the top, self-righteous rant against Manny Ramirez. To paraphrase, John explains that all the other Dodgers followed Manny around like puppy dogs, that he gave them all advice on hitting and baseball, and that by taking performance enhancing drugs Manny placed himself above the team. He also questions why anyone would want him on their team. Dear Mr. Kruk, how is taking performance enhancing drugs putting yourself above the team? Is it because they make you perform better, thus improving the team's chances of winning? Is it because the illegal edge PEDs gave Manny last year rocketed the Dodgers into the playoffs?* Is it because PEDs turn a guy into a complete asshole, someone who would not go around giving advice to young hitters on how to improve themselves? You know, the kind of advice that comes from one of the best hitters of his generation, that's still valid even though he was taking PEDs?
Let's be honest about this era of baseball. It is reasonable to assume that every great hitter from this generation was taking some form of PED. It was too easy to cheat and not get caught, and there were too many guys cheating for most good players to stay clean. I won't get into the debate about whether or not Manny should make the Hall, because I don't know how I feel about it. But this is not an example of Manny placing himself above the team. Manny placed himself above the team when he quit on the Red Sox. Manny placed himself above the team when he held out for a preposterous contract nobody could afford during the worst economic crisis in 30 years. Manny is a douche. It's that simple. But he is also a hell of a baseball player and seems to be a good teammate in LA. It's OK to hate him, to rail against him, to say he embarrassed the game. But don't be a fucking pawn who freaks out whenever PEDs are brought up in an attempt to re-sanctify the game. If baseball ever does regain the image it once had, it sure as hell won't be because of the misplaced indignation of the "writers" who cover it.
Contestant Number 3: Mark Wunderlich and Magic Johnson competing as a tag team. Wunderlich is the official who didn't call the intentional foul while time wound down in the Mavericks-Nuggets game. He was so incredibly incompetent that the NBA actually admitted a mistake. Let me restate that for emphasis. This man was so unbelievably fucking incompetent that the NBA, which as protocol never admits error, had to admit that its terrible officiating did in fact effect the outcome of a game. Mark Cuban hasn't come out with his reaction yet because his head actually exploded. Marky Mark was also involved in the Portland-Houston playoff game where the Houston crowd started chanting "These refs suck!". For the record, I read some of Mark Wunderlich's bio and he seems like a genuinely good guy. He just happens to be a terrible official and I believe the NBA really needs to be called out about all the piss poor officiating that occurs in the league.
Helping him find his way to the podium will be Magic Johnson, who actually believes that it's the Mavericks fault a foul wasn't called because they didn't tell the refs they were trying to intentional foul. I would like to explain to Magic that it's called an intentional foul because it is obvious to everyone in the building that you are fouling the guy on purpose, hoping to make the ref blow the whistle. If a situation is obvious to everyone in the building but the official, then there's something wrong with the official not everybody else. Part of the reason we have such shitty officiating is that people like Magic Johnson make an excuse for them every time they make an egregious error. If their job is so damn hard, then put a fourth man on the crew. Or bump their pay and make the field more attractive to potential competitors. Competition improves quality. That's a little economics lesson for the NBA front office, because they seem to care far more about making a buck than the quality and integrity of the league.
Contestant number one is Stu Jackson, the NBA executive in charge of handing out suspensions and a super mega butthole. Let's review the suspensions that have been handed out recently and try to find a pattern, shall we?
1. Robert Horry hip checks Steve Nash into the scorer's table: 2 games.
2. Rajon Rondo throws Kirk Hinrich into the scorer's table: No suspension.
3. Rafer Alston gives Eddie House a what-the-fuck-was-that head smack: 1 game.
4. Rajon Rondo takes a running swipe at Brad Miller's face, giving him several stiches: Not even a flagrant.
5. Dwight Howard throws a a malicious elbow above Samuel Dalembert's shoulders: 1 game as defined by the NBA rulebook.
6. Kendrick Perkins throws a malicious elbow above Mickael Pietrus's shoulder's: 0 games, despite this situation being outlined as an automatic suspension in the rule book and the precedent set by Dwight Howard.
Do you see the pattern? Hint: it's that small market teams get suspensions while big market teams don't. But that's not even the best part. It gets better if you take a look at Stu Jackson's actual quotes:
"It's clear in our rules that we treat elbow contact above the shoulder area differently than we do for other parts of the body."
False. Not true. You are lying. What's clear in the rules is that you should treat elbow contact above the shoulder area differently than for other parts of the body. What's clear by your refusal to suspend Kendrick Perkins when he elbowed my Mickael Pietrus in the neck, and according to this chart the neck is above the shoulder, is that you don't give a flying fuck about the rules.
"We didn't think much about this penalty [Alston's suspension] because the rule here is clear -- any player who swings his hand, whether with an open or closed fist and whether or not that hand connects -- we suspend them for one game."
See example 4 for why this statement is actually satire.
Contestant Number 2: The Incredible Kruk. For his over the top, self-righteous rant against Manny Ramirez. To paraphrase, John explains that all the other Dodgers followed Manny around like puppy dogs, that he gave them all advice on hitting and baseball, and that by taking performance enhancing drugs Manny placed himself above the team. He also questions why anyone would want him on their team. Dear Mr. Kruk, how is taking performance enhancing drugs putting yourself above the team? Is it because they make you perform better, thus improving the team's chances of winning? Is it because the illegal edge PEDs gave Manny last year rocketed the Dodgers into the playoffs?* Is it because PEDs turn a guy into a complete asshole, someone who would not go around giving advice to young hitters on how to improve themselves? You know, the kind of advice that comes from one of the best hitters of his generation, that's still valid even though he was taking PEDs?
Let's be honest about this era of baseball. It is reasonable to assume that every great hitter from this generation was taking some form of PED. It was too easy to cheat and not get caught, and there were too many guys cheating for most good players to stay clean. I won't get into the debate about whether or not Manny should make the Hall, because I don't know how I feel about it. But this is not an example of Manny placing himself above the team. Manny placed himself above the team when he quit on the Red Sox. Manny placed himself above the team when he held out for a preposterous contract nobody could afford during the worst economic crisis in 30 years. Manny is a douche. It's that simple. But he is also a hell of a baseball player and seems to be a good teammate in LA. It's OK to hate him, to rail against him, to say he embarrassed the game. But don't be a fucking pawn who freaks out whenever PEDs are brought up in an attempt to re-sanctify the game. If baseball ever does regain the image it once had, it sure as hell won't be because of the misplaced indignation of the "writers" who cover it.
Contestant Number 3: Mark Wunderlich and Magic Johnson competing as a tag team. Wunderlich is the official who didn't call the intentional foul while time wound down in the Mavericks-Nuggets game. He was so incredibly incompetent that the NBA actually admitted a mistake. Let me restate that for emphasis. This man was so unbelievably fucking incompetent that the NBA, which as protocol never admits error, had to admit that its terrible officiating did in fact effect the outcome of a game. Mark Cuban hasn't come out with his reaction yet because his head actually exploded. Marky Mark was also involved in the Portland-Houston playoff game where the Houston crowd started chanting "These refs suck!". For the record, I read some of Mark Wunderlich's bio and he seems like a genuinely good guy. He just happens to be a terrible official and I believe the NBA really needs to be called out about all the piss poor officiating that occurs in the league.
Helping him find his way to the podium will be Magic Johnson, who actually believes that it's the Mavericks fault a foul wasn't called because they didn't tell the refs they were trying to intentional foul. I would like to explain to Magic that it's called an intentional foul because it is obvious to everyone in the building that you are fouling the guy on purpose, hoping to make the ref blow the whistle. If a situation is obvious to everyone in the building but the official, then there's something wrong with the official not everybody else. Part of the reason we have such shitty officiating is that people like Magic Johnson make an excuse for them every time they make an egregious error. If their job is so damn hard, then put a fourth man on the crew. Or bump their pay and make the field more attractive to potential competitors. Competition improves quality. That's a little economics lesson for the NBA front office, because they seem to care far more about making a buck than the quality and integrity of the league.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
That's What She Said
I usually try to avoid discussions on A-Rod. He's a great baseball player and a flawed individual who gets beat up in the media more than anyone except Bonds. I just think the accusations and hearsay thrown out by journalist Selena Roberts are over the line, and that's why I've decided to take a page out of Jason Whitlock's book and declare shenanigans on Selena. Any quotes you see are from this article.
Accusation 1: "a player told me [Selena Roberts] he had witnessed a strange scene: [Kevin] Brown and Alex had ampules of HGH in their possession at Yankee Stadium."
A well respected journalist told me that Selena Roberts is a worthless hack of a journalist. His name is Jason Whitlock. Do you see the difference between what I write and what Selena writes? I name the source, thus allowing an opposing viewpoint a real chance to challenge my claim. Using unnamed, anonymous sources is a disgrace to journalistic integrity. What if I said a journalist told me he witnessed Selena Roberts snorting coke in the bathroom? That statement would be considered libelous, yet it is perfectly analogous to the claim Selena is making.
Accusation 2: A-Rod was juicing in high school. Selena explains that "I've talked to players who say he was using in high school, but if you want to discard that…"
Unless you want to name these players, I absolutely want to discard that. Everybody in the fucking world should want to discard that. It is not credible information, it is pure bullshit. Doug Mientkiewicz, an actual person who has been proven to exist, came out and said he never saw A-Rod use steroids.
"'… you look at the physical evidence,' she told the AP. 'You look at a player who by his own coach's account was unrecognizable his junior year because his body had changed so much. Scouts didn't recognize him. In his sophomore year he could barely bench press 100 pounds. By his junior year, he was bench pressing 300 pounds.'"
Don't believe my anecdotal evidence? Well how about more anecdotal evidence!? Here's a question for you Selena: How the FUCK could you possibly know what A-Rod was benching in high school? Answer for you Selena: It would be impossible for you to actually know that. I'm not saying A-Rod didn't juice in high school, looking at his statistics, it's likely he did. In his 3-year high school career, A-Rod hit with a .417 batting average and 17 HRs. He hit .506 with 9 of those 17 HRs in his senior year. So yeah, he did have a meteoric rise during his high school career. But it's also unlikely he hit below .300 his sophomore year, when he was a puny shrimp who happened to be named to the U.S. Junior Olympic baseball team. Does it seem likely that a .300 hitter who plays for the United States Junior Olympic baseball team could barely bench 100 pounds? Maybe he took steroids in high school, maybe he just hit puberty and worked out like a maniac (say what you want, but he does work out like a maniac). Either way, the point is that Selena's accusation is entirely not credible and stupid.
Accusation 3: A-Rod is so starved for attention that he will do anything to get it. "But more interesting than the drug accusations is the psychological portrait of a needy Rodriguez desperately trying to create a lovable image yet wrecking it by running around with strippers, going to a "swingers' club" and to illegal poker venues. Roberts called it 'a battle he is waging' that's made him a staple of the gossip pages. 'He went through a phase where, I think, and maybe he's still going through the phase, I don't know, where he really I think felt as if he had transcended baseball and reached a different level with the public, on a higher celebrity level, than he was as a ballplayer,' she said."
You know what everybody HATES? Amateur psychologists. If you play amateur psychologist, you should be punched in the throat and have your greatest fears and insecurities announced to people over a loudspeaker. How incredibly fucking arrogant of you to assume you know how a person thinks and operates, then to present it as fact to the public. What's wrong with A-Rod liking strippers? They are people, it's not like he's in to beastiality. What's wrong with A-Rod playing poker? As a 13 year old, I played illegal poker with my friends all the time. Let me know when he's betting on baseball.
"That celebrity only has increased in the past two years as he got interested in Kaballah, became friends with Madonna and divorced his wife Cynthia. While most Yankees who live in Manhattan take apartments on the East Side, convenient for traveling to the ballpark, Rodriguez has rented a $30,000-a-month apartment two blocks from Madonna's Manhattan residence on the West Side."
Why does Roberts keep bringing up Rodriguez's questionable relationships with women? We get that the man is flawed, why is there a need to keep bringing these up unless you're attempting character assassination? A person is not bad because he got divorced and a person is not bad because he goes to strip clubs. Said person probably has a lot of issues with women. And that's part of why I think Selena Roberts went on this crusade to destroy A-Rod's public image. Roberts is a well documented feminist and she most likely hates the way A-Rod acts towards women. I can understand this, from the stories it certainly appears A-Rod does not treat women well. Sit down with him and write a book about that. Do not seek out unnamed sources and use them to utterly destroy the public perception of another human being. That is both terrible reporting and being a total douche.
"She writes 'the abandoned boy within Alex Rodriguez made him particularly gullible to the influence of successful, authoritative men, so it was easy for [agent] Scott Boras to manipulate him like a sock puppet.'"
When did Scott Boras manipulate Rodriguez? Are you confusing Rodriguez with Manny Ramirez? Their last names are kind of similar I guess. Let's examine the circumstance under which A-Rod left. He claimed he wanted to stay and didn't, he claimed he wanted to play for a competitive team and the Rangers were not competitive after he joined. Alright. At the time, the Mariners had just finished in first and the Rangers in fourth. But, the M's had let traded Griffey in 1999 and let Randy Johnson walk in 1998. It wasn't unreasonable to assume that the M's were headed in the wrong direction. The Rangers had Pudge and Rafael Palmeiro in their primes. They got Andres Galarrage who had averaged 38 HRs, 123 RBIs, and a .369 OBP the past 5 years. It's reasonable to think that the Rangers were headed in the right direction. So then we have Rodriguez's stated desire to play in Seattle. Seattle offered a 3 year deal worth 54 million dollars with a 2 year option for an additional 38 million dollars for a total of 92 million dollars over 5 years. Texas offered 252 million over 10 years. 150 million dollars is a big difference, even for me and I'm the guy who railed against Mark Texeira for being about over last dollar. Texeira was manipulated. He trade his home town team for an 15 percent more money. Rodriguez went out and got 167 percent more money. With the numbers being so incredibly disparate, I don't see how anyone can claim Boras manipulated A-Rod into taking the contract. Well you can, but you end up looking like a fucking moron who doesn't know what the fuck their talking about and should get back in the goddamn… newsroom where they can perform more research.
Accusation 4: Teammates referred to A-Rod as "Bitch Tits".
Not to his face they didn't. Not if he was as juiced as you claim he was. Because if they did, he would beat the living daylights out of these teammates. Or maybe they did and A-Rod's reputation as a terrible teammate is totally undeserved because his teammates are total jags. Or most likely, a few guys referred to him as Bitch Tits behind his back and Selena Roberts is publicizing this in a blatant attempt to piss Rodriguez off. What an unfair, mean-spirited, and largely irrelevant thing to publicly announce about a person.
Accusation 5: A-Rod tipped pitches to opponents in hopes that they would return the favor.
I doubt it. Possible, but you'd think with all the cameras recording the game that we would have some footage of this. You know actual video evidence instead of hearsay. In fact I have yet to see any real evidence for any of these accusations. It's all bullshit. Jolting end to the article coming in 5,4,3,2 now.
Accusation 1: "a player told me [Selena Roberts] he had witnessed a strange scene: [Kevin] Brown and Alex had ampules of HGH in their possession at Yankee Stadium."
A well respected journalist told me that Selena Roberts is a worthless hack of a journalist. His name is Jason Whitlock. Do you see the difference between what I write and what Selena writes? I name the source, thus allowing an opposing viewpoint a real chance to challenge my claim. Using unnamed, anonymous sources is a disgrace to journalistic integrity. What if I said a journalist told me he witnessed Selena Roberts snorting coke in the bathroom? That statement would be considered libelous, yet it is perfectly analogous to the claim Selena is making.
Accusation 2: A-Rod was juicing in high school. Selena explains that "I've talked to players who say he was using in high school, but if you want to discard that…"
Unless you want to name these players, I absolutely want to discard that. Everybody in the fucking world should want to discard that. It is not credible information, it is pure bullshit. Doug Mientkiewicz, an actual person who has been proven to exist, came out and said he never saw A-Rod use steroids.
"'… you look at the physical evidence,' she told the AP. 'You look at a player who by his own coach's account was unrecognizable his junior year because his body had changed so much. Scouts didn't recognize him. In his sophomore year he could barely bench press 100 pounds. By his junior year, he was bench pressing 300 pounds.'"
Don't believe my anecdotal evidence? Well how about more anecdotal evidence!? Here's a question for you Selena: How the FUCK could you possibly know what A-Rod was benching in high school? Answer for you Selena: It would be impossible for you to actually know that. I'm not saying A-Rod didn't juice in high school, looking at his statistics, it's likely he did. In his 3-year high school career, A-Rod hit with a .417 batting average and 17 HRs. He hit .506 with 9 of those 17 HRs in his senior year. So yeah, he did have a meteoric rise during his high school career. But it's also unlikely he hit below .300 his sophomore year, when he was a puny shrimp who happened to be named to the U.S. Junior Olympic baseball team. Does it seem likely that a .300 hitter who plays for the United States Junior Olympic baseball team could barely bench 100 pounds? Maybe he took steroids in high school, maybe he just hit puberty and worked out like a maniac (say what you want, but he does work out like a maniac). Either way, the point is that Selena's accusation is entirely not credible and stupid.
Accusation 3: A-Rod is so starved for attention that he will do anything to get it. "But more interesting than the drug accusations is the psychological portrait of a needy Rodriguez desperately trying to create a lovable image yet wrecking it by running around with strippers, going to a "swingers' club" and to illegal poker venues. Roberts called it 'a battle he is waging' that's made him a staple of the gossip pages. 'He went through a phase where, I think, and maybe he's still going through the phase, I don't know, where he really I think felt as if he had transcended baseball and reached a different level with the public, on a higher celebrity level, than he was as a ballplayer,' she said."
You know what everybody HATES? Amateur psychologists. If you play amateur psychologist, you should be punched in the throat and have your greatest fears and insecurities announced to people over a loudspeaker. How incredibly fucking arrogant of you to assume you know how a person thinks and operates, then to present it as fact to the public. What's wrong with A-Rod liking strippers? They are people, it's not like he's in to beastiality. What's wrong with A-Rod playing poker? As a 13 year old, I played illegal poker with my friends all the time. Let me know when he's betting on baseball.
"That celebrity only has increased in the past two years as he got interested in Kaballah, became friends with Madonna and divorced his wife Cynthia. While most Yankees who live in Manhattan take apartments on the East Side, convenient for traveling to the ballpark, Rodriguez has rented a $30,000-a-month apartment two blocks from Madonna's Manhattan residence on the West Side."
Why does Roberts keep bringing up Rodriguez's questionable relationships with women? We get that the man is flawed, why is there a need to keep bringing these up unless you're attempting character assassination? A person is not bad because he got divorced and a person is not bad because he goes to strip clubs. Said person probably has a lot of issues with women. And that's part of why I think Selena Roberts went on this crusade to destroy A-Rod's public image. Roberts is a well documented feminist and she most likely hates the way A-Rod acts towards women. I can understand this, from the stories it certainly appears A-Rod does not treat women well. Sit down with him and write a book about that. Do not seek out unnamed sources and use them to utterly destroy the public perception of another human being. That is both terrible reporting and being a total douche.
"She writes 'the abandoned boy within Alex Rodriguez made him particularly gullible to the influence of successful, authoritative men, so it was easy for [agent] Scott Boras to manipulate him like a sock puppet.'"
When did Scott Boras manipulate Rodriguez? Are you confusing Rodriguez with Manny Ramirez? Their last names are kind of similar I guess. Let's examine the circumstance under which A-Rod left. He claimed he wanted to stay and didn't, he claimed he wanted to play for a competitive team and the Rangers were not competitive after he joined. Alright. At the time, the Mariners had just finished in first and the Rangers in fourth. But, the M's had let traded Griffey in 1999 and let Randy Johnson walk in 1998. It wasn't unreasonable to assume that the M's were headed in the wrong direction. The Rangers had Pudge and Rafael Palmeiro in their primes. They got Andres Galarrage who had averaged 38 HRs, 123 RBIs, and a .369 OBP the past 5 years. It's reasonable to think that the Rangers were headed in the right direction. So then we have Rodriguez's stated desire to play in Seattle. Seattle offered a 3 year deal worth 54 million dollars with a 2 year option for an additional 38 million dollars for a total of 92 million dollars over 5 years. Texas offered 252 million over 10 years. 150 million dollars is a big difference, even for me and I'm the guy who railed against Mark Texeira for being about over last dollar. Texeira was manipulated. He trade his home town team for an 15 percent more money. Rodriguez went out and got 167 percent more money. With the numbers being so incredibly disparate, I don't see how anyone can claim Boras manipulated A-Rod into taking the contract. Well you can, but you end up looking like a fucking moron who doesn't know what the fuck their talking about and should get back in the goddamn… newsroom where they can perform more research.
Accusation 4: Teammates referred to A-Rod as "Bitch Tits".
Not to his face they didn't. Not if he was as juiced as you claim he was. Because if they did, he would beat the living daylights out of these teammates. Or maybe they did and A-Rod's reputation as a terrible teammate is totally undeserved because his teammates are total jags. Or most likely, a few guys referred to him as Bitch Tits behind his back and Selena Roberts is publicizing this in a blatant attempt to piss Rodriguez off. What an unfair, mean-spirited, and largely irrelevant thing to publicly announce about a person.
Accusation 5: A-Rod tipped pitches to opponents in hopes that they would return the favor.
I doubt it. Possible, but you'd think with all the cameras recording the game that we would have some footage of this. You know actual video evidence instead of hearsay. In fact I have yet to see any real evidence for any of these accusations. It's all bullshit. Jolting end to the article coming in 5,4,3,2 now.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Only Because No One Else Is Saying It
Like the title says, the only reason I bring this up is because it needs to be mentioned and neither ESPN nor foxsports nor NBA.com have any sort of journalistic integrity. Rajon Rondo should be suspended for game 7 of the Bulls-Celtics series. You will not even find a hint of debate on any of these sites over this subject, like it never happened. Attempting to throw a player into the stands is grade F, horseshit, Horry got two games for a similar deal. Rondo then throwing an elbow at the player's head, and yahoo! sports also caught this little move, is grade F horseshit. Amare Stoudemire was suspended for leaving the bench area. I demand to know how Stu Jackson will justify, and he will somehow justify it, not suspending Rajon when the rules and precedent are so clear.
Ratings are important, this has been a great series. But I have news for people: Nothing will top Game 6. Game 7 will most likely be a letdown. To say "Well the fans want to see a great game!" as an argument for why a player should not be suspended is insulting to every real fan who has ever watched the game of basketball. The whole "You don't call THAT in the final minutes of a game" argument, the "You don't let a star foul out with THAT" argument, and the "You can't suspend him NOW" arguments need revision. The players should be allowed to play in the final minutes of a game, they know they aren't getting a call on the final drive. But here's the thing. THE DEFENSE KNOWS THAT TOO. So the Celtics have turned this gentleman's agreement into a carté-blanche to take whatever cheap shots are necessary to stop the ball. If John Salmons drives the lane in the final minutes f a game, Paul Pierce pushes him from behind and slaps at the ball, Rondo runs in from the side and slaps him on the arms, and Kendrick Perkins puts a forearm in his face. One of those 3 should be called a foul.
I should mention that I credit the Celtics for taking advantage of the incompetence of the refs, they know it helps them win. I think it's absolutely pathetic that the officials have become so predictably terrible that a team can turn them into strategy. More anecdotal evidence: with 5 fouls in overtime last night, Paul Pierce committed between 3-6 more fouls before eventually picking up his 6th. He would fly in over the backs of guys and actually took Joakim Noah down on one particular rebound because he knew he wasn't fouling out on an over-the-back call. He would push and shove John Salmons every time he dribbled because he knew he wasn't fouling out with a blocking foul. He threw an elbow at Kirk Hinrich when Hinrich matched up tight with him because he knew he wasn't fouling out with an offensive foul. How many lame and cheap to decent fouls up add up to one good one? It's almost an advantage for a Celtics star to be playing with 5 fouls.
As for the argument that nobody wants to see Rajon suspended now, for Game 7, I only have one sentence. IF HE WANTS TO PLAY, THEN HE SHOULDN'T HAVE FUCKING THROWN A GUY INTO A SCORER'S TABLE THEN PITCHED AN ELBOW AT HIM BECAUSE THAT WARRANTS A SUSPENSION EVERY FUCKING TIME!
I'm sorry if you believe this is all I took away from the greatest basketball game ever. It's really not, I absolutely loved it. I even had a Boston fan respectfully congratulate me on the game, which meant that this one really was special. But I do have reasons why I run this blog, and one of the biggest is that I hate the media's impact on sports. Another big reason is that I hate to see league's sell some of the integrity of the game (And the NBA has sold a lot of integrity right now. Rondo could basically go up to David Stern and say "Fuck you, you don't have the balls to suspend me for this game no matter what I do," and David Stern would smile, nod, and then go back to counting his wad of money) for the sake of money. And the third is that I think I'm super-awesome and important and everybody should know what I think about things.
Ratings are important, this has been a great series. But I have news for people: Nothing will top Game 6. Game 7 will most likely be a letdown. To say "Well the fans want to see a great game!" as an argument for why a player should not be suspended is insulting to every real fan who has ever watched the game of basketball. The whole "You don't call THAT in the final minutes of a game" argument, the "You don't let a star foul out with THAT" argument, and the "You can't suspend him NOW" arguments need revision. The players should be allowed to play in the final minutes of a game, they know they aren't getting a call on the final drive. But here's the thing. THE DEFENSE KNOWS THAT TOO. So the Celtics have turned this gentleman's agreement into a carté-blanche to take whatever cheap shots are necessary to stop the ball. If John Salmons drives the lane in the final minutes f a game, Paul Pierce pushes him from behind and slaps at the ball, Rondo runs in from the side and slaps him on the arms, and Kendrick Perkins puts a forearm in his face. One of those 3 should be called a foul.
I should mention that I credit the Celtics for taking advantage of the incompetence of the refs, they know it helps them win. I think it's absolutely pathetic that the officials have become so predictably terrible that a team can turn them into strategy. More anecdotal evidence: with 5 fouls in overtime last night, Paul Pierce committed between 3-6 more fouls before eventually picking up his 6th. He would fly in over the backs of guys and actually took Joakim Noah down on one particular rebound because he knew he wasn't fouling out on an over-the-back call. He would push and shove John Salmons every time he dribbled because he knew he wasn't fouling out with a blocking foul. He threw an elbow at Kirk Hinrich when Hinrich matched up tight with him because he knew he wasn't fouling out with an offensive foul. How many lame and cheap to decent fouls up add up to one good one? It's almost an advantage for a Celtics star to be playing with 5 fouls.
As for the argument that nobody wants to see Rajon suspended now, for Game 7, I only have one sentence. IF HE WANTS TO PLAY, THEN HE SHOULDN'T HAVE FUCKING THROWN A GUY INTO A SCORER'S TABLE THEN PITCHED AN ELBOW AT HIM BECAUSE THAT WARRANTS A SUSPENSION EVERY FUCKING TIME!
I'm sorry if you believe this is all I took away from the greatest basketball game ever. It's really not, I absolutely loved it. I even had a Boston fan respectfully congratulate me on the game, which meant that this one really was special. But I do have reasons why I run this blog, and one of the biggest is that I hate the media's impact on sports. Another big reason is that I hate to see league's sell some of the integrity of the game (And the NBA has sold a lot of integrity right now. Rondo could basically go up to David Stern and say "Fuck you, you don't have the balls to suspend me for this game no matter what I do," and David Stern would smile, nod, and then go back to counting his wad of money) for the sake of money. And the third is that I think I'm super-awesome and important and everybody should know what I think about things.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Chris Berman, Grand Wizard of Whimsical Nonsense
So many incomprehensible things were said during the NFL draft over these 2 days, unfortunately I wasn't in front of a computer for all of them. Sure there were the clichés, "This guy really loves football!" (Who the fuck doesn't?), but it was a stand out day for whimsical nonsense. Paraphrases of some of my favorites:
Patrick Chung, now here's an interesting story. Father came over on a boat from China, took a wrong turn, ended up in Jamaica.- Chris Berman
Anyone who has ever seen a map knows this is impossible.
Bill Cosby has befriended Quan Cosby because he likes his name. They are not related.- Erin Andrews
I wasn't really paying attention to what Erin Andrews was saying because I was busy pleasuring myself. Talk sports me to Erin, I like that. Anyways, I'm pretty sure this actually happened. Well played Bill Cosby, this is an impressive act of strange.
If you ain't been in the NFL, you don't know what it takes to be a player.- Cris Carter
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW, OK!? YOU DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW! What if I said if you haven't taken a course about public speaking or the english language, then you shouldn't be on national television touting your opinions? How would you feel about that Cris Carter?
You know what other wide receiver didn't run a great forty time? Jerry Rice.- Everybody
Listen, I don't buy the forty yard dash as a tool for evaluating players. Anquan Boldin ran a 4.7, and he still managed to bust a 71 yard drag pattern for a TD against the Falcons in the playoffs. Guys train for several weeks to run the forty, going over very specific techniques and whatever, and it's gotten to the point where it's not particularly applicable to actual football. If you want to make an argument for the relative unimportance of the forty yard dash, then you should say something similar to what I just did. You should not say "Jerry was slow too! And he was the best!". Jerry Rice did just about everything else better than everybody else, chances are Hakeem Nicks will not do this.
BREAKING NEWS: Erin Andrews is currently sandwiched between Quan Cosby and Dr. Bill Cosby on the same couch. Quan Cosby is on the phone with a friend and Bill Cosby is wearing a Temple football helmet. I have decided that this would be the strangest group sex scene that could ever occur. This is the game I play whenever I see Erin interviewing a group of guys who clearly want to bag her. Up until this interview, it was her appearance before the draft with the five Crabtree boys. Can you tell that I respect Erin as a reporter?
A few final thoughts:
Mark Sanchez will be a bust. For every game he played in college, the talent surrounding him was significantly better than the talent on the other team. I absolutely doubt his ability to compete when the defense is as good as his offense.
Malcolm Jenkins will be a bust because he doesn't have a clear position.
I think Arizona got the best pick of the day when they got Beanie Wells. He's a risk because he's not too durable, but that guy is a freak of nature. I was amazed when I watched him play LSU in the '07 national championship game. He was running over All-Americans like it was nothing.
Kenny Britt was a very good pick for the Titans.
I hated watching teams like the Browns trade down because of monetary issues. Let's fix this recession now before it starts taking down things that actually matter. Like football.
Patrick Chung, now here's an interesting story. Father came over on a boat from China, took a wrong turn, ended up in Jamaica.- Chris Berman
Anyone who has ever seen a map knows this is impossible.
Bill Cosby has befriended Quan Cosby because he likes his name. They are not related.- Erin Andrews
I wasn't really paying attention to what Erin Andrews was saying because I was busy pleasuring myself. Talk sports me to Erin, I like that. Anyways, I'm pretty sure this actually happened. Well played Bill Cosby, this is an impressive act of strange.
If you ain't been in the NFL, you don't know what it takes to be a player.- Cris Carter
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW, OK!? YOU DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW! What if I said if you haven't taken a course about public speaking or the english language, then you shouldn't be on national television touting your opinions? How would you feel about that Cris Carter?
You know what other wide receiver didn't run a great forty time? Jerry Rice.- Everybody
Listen, I don't buy the forty yard dash as a tool for evaluating players. Anquan Boldin ran a 4.7, and he still managed to bust a 71 yard drag pattern for a TD against the Falcons in the playoffs. Guys train for several weeks to run the forty, going over very specific techniques and whatever, and it's gotten to the point where it's not particularly applicable to actual football. If you want to make an argument for the relative unimportance of the forty yard dash, then you should say something similar to what I just did. You should not say "Jerry was slow too! And he was the best!". Jerry Rice did just about everything else better than everybody else, chances are Hakeem Nicks will not do this.
BREAKING NEWS: Erin Andrews is currently sandwiched between Quan Cosby and Dr. Bill Cosby on the same couch. Quan Cosby is on the phone with a friend and Bill Cosby is wearing a Temple football helmet. I have decided that this would be the strangest group sex scene that could ever occur. This is the game I play whenever I see Erin interviewing a group of guys who clearly want to bag her. Up until this interview, it was her appearance before the draft with the five Crabtree boys. Can you tell that I respect Erin as a reporter?
A few final thoughts:
Mark Sanchez will be a bust. For every game he played in college, the talent surrounding him was significantly better than the talent on the other team. I absolutely doubt his ability to compete when the defense is as good as his offense.
Malcolm Jenkins will be a bust because he doesn't have a clear position.
I think Arizona got the best pick of the day when they got Beanie Wells. He's a risk because he's not too durable, but that guy is a freak of nature. I was amazed when I watched him play LSU in the '07 national championship game. He was running over All-Americans like it was nothing.
Kenny Britt was a very good pick for the Titans.
I hated watching teams like the Browns trade down because of monetary issues. Let's fix this recession now before it starts taking down things that actually matter. Like football.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Think Happy Thoughts
No snooty article commentary this time. Not that it isn't fun and all but occasionally I have an original thought. Amazing right?
STOP THE FLOPPINESS! I can't believe the NBA plans on fining on Erick Dampier for saying he's gonna put Tony Parker on his back. Tony Parker is a vagina. His vagina-y style of basketball is ruining basketball. He was the first of the pussy point guard breed that is ruining basketball. These are the guys that drive to the hoop, jump to the side, then purposely fall flailing to the floor in hopes of getting a foul call. I absolutely despise it. Nash does it as he's gotten older, Devin Harris does it, Rondo does it as bad as Parker. If I'm a coach against one these guys, I instruct my players to collapse on him on every drive and basically sandwich him every time he jumps in the air. That will teach them to try to turn basketball into soccer.
Percy Harvin and Brandon Tate tested positive for marijuana at the NFL combine. They are also rumored to drink alcohol and associate with loose women. Any NFL team would be foolish to draft them.
What the fuck is wrong with Isaiah Thomas's eyebrows? It looks like he has two sets of eye brows or something, I can't really describe it. I bet that's why Chris McKendry grilled him on sportscenter. She hated his weird eyebrows.
Kudos to the Bulls for stealing a game from the Boston Bennett Salvatores. They almost took another one but Steve Javie and his crew saw to that. And I'm tired of hearing about how Steve Javie is one of the best refs in the business, if people know a referee's name it's because he's an arrogant douche or grossly incompetent. Both are bad qualities for a supposedly unbiased person.
I know I have a very small reach, but I feel a need to dispel the myth that Greg Paulus is going to Michigan to play QB. He worked out for them once. Sources say Michigan is not interested. Michigan should not be interested because Tate Forcier is younger, just as good, and has had more time to learn the offense. I don't want anybody else to ask me my opinion on this whole situation because they know I'm a Michigan fan. Get up to date folks. And yes, this is largely ESPN's fault for hyping this story and then not reporting that it's over.
These ramblings were brought to you by Eggo Waffles. Eggo Waffles, for when your house is completely fucking out of food.
STOP THE FLOPPINESS! I can't believe the NBA plans on fining on Erick Dampier for saying he's gonna put Tony Parker on his back. Tony Parker is a vagina. His vagina-y style of basketball is ruining basketball. He was the first of the pussy point guard breed that is ruining basketball. These are the guys that drive to the hoop, jump to the side, then purposely fall flailing to the floor in hopes of getting a foul call. I absolutely despise it. Nash does it as he's gotten older, Devin Harris does it, Rondo does it as bad as Parker. If I'm a coach against one these guys, I instruct my players to collapse on him on every drive and basically sandwich him every time he jumps in the air. That will teach them to try to turn basketball into soccer.
Percy Harvin and Brandon Tate tested positive for marijuana at the NFL combine. They are also rumored to drink alcohol and associate with loose women. Any NFL team would be foolish to draft them.
What the fuck is wrong with Isaiah Thomas's eyebrows? It looks like he has two sets of eye brows or something, I can't really describe it. I bet that's why Chris McKendry grilled him on sportscenter. She hated his weird eyebrows.
Kudos to the Bulls for stealing a game from the Boston Bennett Salvatores. They almost took another one but Steve Javie and his crew saw to that. And I'm tired of hearing about how Steve Javie is one of the best refs in the business, if people know a referee's name it's because he's an arrogant douche or grossly incompetent. Both are bad qualities for a supposedly unbiased person.
I know I have a very small reach, but I feel a need to dispel the myth that Greg Paulus is going to Michigan to play QB. He worked out for them once. Sources say Michigan is not interested. Michigan should not be interested because Tate Forcier is younger, just as good, and has had more time to learn the offense. I don't want anybody else to ask me my opinion on this whole situation because they know I'm a Michigan fan. Get up to date folks. And yes, this is largely ESPN's fault for hyping this story and then not reporting that it's over.
These ramblings were brought to you by Eggo Waffles. Eggo Waffles, for when your house is completely fucking out of food.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Oh ESPN
Bloomin' Onions!: Bulls Stun Celts
That's the headline you come up with for the Bulls' upset? It makes no sense. I don't even have a snarky commentary, I just want to know how the bloomin' onion, America's most delicious and deadly appetizer, has anything to do with the NBA playoffs.
That's the headline you come up with for the Bulls' upset? It makes no sense. I don't even have a snarky commentary, I just want to know how the bloomin' onion, America's most delicious and deadly appetizer, has anything to do with the NBA playoffs.
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