Mark Schlabach Impersonating Joe Morgan

Recently I discovered that ESPN's Mark Schlabach does chats. He has long been one of my absolute least favorite writers of all time, but I wasn't sure if he warranted space in here with his generally inane but not outrageous articles. Then the good lord brought this to my attention:

Mark Schlabach (2:03 PM)

OK, thanks for joining the chat again this week. Hope your teams won over the weekend. Here we go...

My man parts are all a-tingle.

Bob (Atlanta)

Mark,I think Barkley and Pryor got way too much attention. It is almost as though the media has the story written before a pass is thrown. Both looked very average Saturday night and I doubt if Barkley has the arm strength to ever be a star.Forcier on the other hand.....thoughts?
Mark Schlabach (2:03 PM)

I thought Forcier played the best among the QBs you mentioned. Playing Notre Dame's defense -- and not USC and Ohio State -- might have had something to do with it. But I think all three QBs will be great. But I agree that Barkley got maybe too much attention. But it was a great drive and he's the USC QB.

It's like he's arguing with himself when he starts three consecutive sentences with "but". We may have a new contender in the realm of ESPN analysts who fucking hate grammar.

Dan (Washington, DC)

What do you think the keys are for the Virginia Tech, Nebraska game and who do you think prevails?
Mark Schlabach (2:04 PM)

I was at the game in Lincoln last year. Nebraska has to do a better job of containing Tyrod Taylor. They have to force him to throw the ball and shut down Ryan Williams and David Wilson.

Well he answered half of the question, the key for Nebraska is to keep Tyrod Taylor in the pocket and make him throw. "I was in Nebraska last year" however does not qualify as an answer to the question "Who do you think will win?".

JStew (Muskegon, MI)

After UM's big win over ND what is in store for the Blue from hear on out? Originally most would have thgout 8-4 would be great 7-5 good, maybe even better than that? ND could end up going down if they lose to State this weekend, loook out.
Mark Schlabach (2:07 PM)

I'm not sure we still know how good Michigan (or Notre Dame is this year), other than they're both better than last year. Michigan has two more cupcakes, although Indiana is 2-0, and then tough back-to-back road games at Michigan State and Iowa. I still think 8-4 or 7-5 is a great improvement over 3-9.

Question is "How do you think Michigan will perform the rest of the season?". Answer: I don't know, list next four games without making any sort of prediction or thought, 8 wins is more than 3 wins. Also, no mention of where Notre Dame could go if they had lost to MSU this weekend.

Jerry (Metairie, LA)

It is entirely possible that LSU will be 5-0 when they play Florida at home on a Saturday night. Think the Tigers have a chance to win this one and upset Florida?
Mark Schlabach (2:11 PM)

I think LSU needs to get a lot better on offense. That should be the Tigers' first priority. They just seem to be missing something right now. Jefferson completed a lot of passes vs. Vandy, but didn't have a lot of yards. Scott didn't run the ball well, but Williams did. They just don't look really explosive. Need to get Holliday and Sheppard more involved.

Totally just pulled up a box score and summed it up for this answer. Why were the passes going for short yardage? Is it because Vanderbilt was playing their safeties deep and were content to give up short consistent yards in the hopes of avoiding a big play? Is Scott or Williams the better running back? I have no idea why he's talking about getting Holliday more involved, he's their third running back and fourth WR. There is a "Sheppard" on the team, but Kelvin Sheppard is a LB. I assume he means freshman speedster QB Russell Shepard, who is probably as involved in the offense as a backup QB with lots of talent but doesn't know the offense should be.

Kevin (Atlanta)

I know you have Gators and Horns in the BCS Championship...and perhaps rightfully so...but based solely on first 2 weeks...who are the teams that are performing best?
Mark Schlabach (2:12 PM)

It's hard to say because Florida and Texas really haven't played anybody. Based on the first two weeks, I'd say those teams, along with USC, Alabama and Penn State. At least USC and Bama have beaten legitimate opponents to date.

That wasn't analysis, that was naming the teams that could go undefeated in the 4 major conferences (no ACC and Big East, you do not count). Penn State has looked pretty damn mediocre in the first two weeks and can't find an effective running game. USC needed a last minute drive to beat a team that didn't score a touchdown, at some point that offense will fail them. Bama looked good against VT, then had a letdown. BYU deserves mention as a contender if they go undefeated.

Ben (Los Angeles, CA)

Do you think Urban Meyer will earn himself a nick name of sorts if he displays a similar no mercy attack on Tenn this weekend reminiscent of the Georgia game last year? if so what would the nick name be?
Mark Schlabach (2:12 PM)

Hmmm. Let me think about that one.

I'm going to put the odds that Mark returns to this thought at eleventy-billion to negative five. But if we're coming up with nickname for Urbie, how about Weasel-face? Any objections to Weasel-face? Because his face looks like that of a weasel.

Xander (Philly)

Do you the Buckeyes continuing to play hard and reach the Rose Bowl or will they implode?
Mark Schlabach (2:13 PM)

They have to beat Penn State. Do that and they'll play in the Rose Bowl.

This was the preseason conception of the Big Ten. I would say Michigan looks like they could beat them in the Big House and there's always that trip up game that every team has.

Matt (Philadelphia)

Is the GT-Miami Thursday nighter the game of the week?
Mark Schlabach (2:16 PM)

If it's like the last two ACC games I've attended (Miami-FSU

That would be one game you've attended, if you named one more game it would be two.

joe (charleston)

mark, what do you think about weis' play calling at the end of the UM game? i mean, i want to fault the guy for not running out the clock, but if that long pass wouldve been a completion, it'd be ball game right there.
Mark Schlabach (2:18 PM)

If they make the first down, he's a genius. They didn't so he's a goat. I would have run the ball to force Michigan to burn some timeouts, but he was there and had a better feel for the game. Tough loss.

Don't take that cop out, the offensive genius should be positively ripped for his decision not to run. Armando Allen is averaging about 73 yards per carry up until that point, why not give him the ball and see if he can get the first? At least Michigan burns their timeouts. If Weis's brain were half as big as his fupa he would have run the ball.

Jeff (Pennsylvania)

West Virginia @ Auburn.... Any thoughts?
Mark Schlabach (2:18 PM)

West Virginia played much better against East Carolina after a so-so opener against Liberty. Auburn might be the most surprising team in the country right now. Putting up huge numbers on offense after being so bad last year. Gus Mahlzahn has done a great job so far.

Mark Schlabach: My thoughts are that both teams are good and both could win and both want to win.

Steven (Denver)

The competition looks a little too stacked this year, but what are Case Keenum's chances for Heisman next year?
Mark Schlabach (2:23 PM)

Definitely a darkhorse, but I'd say he faces pretty long odds. Seems to be a race between Tebow and McCoy, with Jahvid Best and a couple of other players, including Keenum, in the picture. It's early, though.

The question was about next year, when Best, Tebow, and McCoy will be playing in the NFL. Check that, Best will be playing while McCoy and Tebow sit on the sidelines.

kc (phoenix)

What have you learned about the Pac 10 so far?
Mark Schlabach (2:24 PM)

My opinion is Cal has a good chance to knock off USC. But it's just an opinion...

We know it's just an opinion, we came to this chat to get your opinion you blithering ninny. Actually, I came to this chat to destroy you and the things you stand for. But the others came here for your opinion.

Charlie (New York)

MWC the #7 conference? Really? How can you possible justify that?
Mark Schlabach (2:25 PM)

Probably should have had them sixth, but I thought ACC had better teams at the top

The ACC does have better teams at the top, but I'm pretty sure the Mountain West has better teams than the Big East. What was fucking absurd was the following week, Schlabach ranked the Mountain West fourth. FOURTH! In 3 weeks, this conference has pulled out 9 wins against FBS opponents and only one win against a top 25 team. That team was Oklahoma, playing without their two best offensive players. Otherwise they've beat Virginia (lost to William and Mary), Tulane (one of the top 5 worst teams), San Jose State (top 15 worst teams), Nevada (meh, they're ok)m Utah State (won 6 games in 3 years), Hawaii (needed a last minute TD to beat Central Arkansas), Colorado (Blown out by Toledo), and New Mexico (which is in the conference and terrible). Meanwhile the Big 10 has beat 20 FBS opponent and the ACC has beaten 12 (one of whom was BYU, who got absolutely stomped at home by FSU). I'm submitting this article to ESPN's Ombudsman as to why Mark Schlabach should not only be let go, but placed into some sort of institution where his outrageous opinions can not infuriate the general population.

Matt (San Diego)

How do you expect Zac Lee to play on his first road start in Blacksburg for the NU-VT game? He's looked outstanding against two lesser teams. Thoughts?
Mark Schlabach (2:31 PM)

Having been to quite a few games at Lane Stadium in Blacksburg, it's one of the loudest settings you'll ever see. Isn't the biggest stadium in the country, but there's a lot of noise and the field is very close to the stands. It will be a challenge.

Yes Mark, we know it will be a challenge. That is why the question was asked. Do you think Zac Lee is up to the challenge or not?

Bruce (Philadelphia)

After suspect officiating in the Big House on Saturday, how can Michigan still be able to dictate that a Big Ten crew does there home games. If a Big East crew was assigned to that game the outcome would have been very different.
Mark Schlabach (2:33 PM)

I believe the road team decides where the officials come from. I might be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that's how it works.

1. Blaming the officials in a game that you clearly blew is stupid.
2. The officials got all of the controversial calls right. Here is indisputable evidence that Armando Allen stepped out. Scroll back through the video history to page 6. The announcer tries to make the argument that because the refs didn't have this angle, that the call shouldn't have been overturned. This is a fucking ridiculous argument, you want them to make the right call. Period.
3. Two seconds ran off the clock on the kick because the returner tipped the ball.
4. They have Big East officials at Notre Dame when Michigan plays there, so I'm sure the home team picking the refs is somewhere in the contract.
5. Go fuck yourself Bruce from Philadelphia.

Brett (Scranton PA)

I have season tickets and the running game has been less than impressive against Akron and Syracuse. That said, Darryl Clark has looked extremely sharp passing. His location and timing have both been phenomenal. Do you see him potentially working his way up draft boards and maybe looking at a 3rd round selection? Or will he be like Michael Robinson and switch to tailback?
Mark Schlabach (2:34 PM)

Clark has been very impressive. But remember: It came against Akron and Syracuse. The Orange are better under Doug Marrone, but it's still Syracuse. But what Clark has done is difficult to do against air in practice.

"But what Clark has done is difficult to do against air in practice." What does that even mean? Did Mr. Miyagi type this after going on a bender?

Bruce (Philadelphia)

You didn't answer the question.....How can Michigan dictate who does their games. They are the only team in the nation that does this.
Mark Schlabach (2:35 PM)

I don't think that's the case, unless it's specific to its contract with Notre Dame. If that were the case, I'm sure Notre Dame decided which league provides officials for its home games vs. Michigan.

1. This is a patently false statement, Michigan absolutely does not dictate who officiates their games. There is no conspiracy.
2. I can't believe I'm siding with Mark Schlabach on an issue.
3. Who let Bruce back in this chat?

John (Lubbock TX)

Looking at Texas Tech's Schedule, they play 6 ranked (read: curently) teams, 4 of which are away. Of course, I am biased towards anything Texas Tech. Objectively, Who do you think has the hardest forseeable schedule in College football?
Mark Schlabach (2:36 PM)

And only one FCS opponent this year. We'll see if the Big 12 gets better. Not looking great right now, outside of Texas. We'll find out how good the Red Raiders are this weekend.

The question was "Who has the hardest schedule in college football?". The answer was "We'll see how good the Big 12 and Texas Tech are". It's like he's a politician dancing around a particularly difficult question, only the questions aren't difficult.

Tucker (Orlando, FL)

Bruce, UF refused to play UMiami last year unless an SEC Crew officiated the game in Gainesville.
Mark Schlabach (2:37 PM)

there you go....

Dear Bruce, are you fucking yourself yet? You should be.

Matt (Santa Rosa, CA)

Can you explain rankings to me? How can a team like Oklahoma State lose at home to an unranked team and remain ranked? While a team like the University of Oregon lost to a ranked team on the road an drop from the rankings.
Mark Schlabach (2:38 PM)

Pokes beat a ranked team to start the season. And they have top-10 talent on offense.

The rankings can not be explained, they are arbitrary and stupid. Because people like Mark Schlabach help decide them.

Mike (DC)

Charlie Weis said in his presser yesterday that in ND's contract with Michigan, Michigan mandated that B10 refs be used for their home games and ND will use BE refs in the games in South Bend. Charlie stated it was the only series contract he has done where the other school has requested to use it's conference refs at home.
Mark Schlabach (2:39 PM)

There you go....

How about now Bruce from Philly? Can you go fuck yourself now? Good.

DJ (Phila)

Mark--I think it was the agreement between the schools that allowed Michigan to choose Big 10 officials to do the game...that being said, please comment on the QUALITY (or lack thereof) of the officiating...I felt a # of significant mistakes were made...your comments, please, and thanks.
Mark Schlabach (2:40 PM)

Saw some mistakes. From the officials and the coaches.

Judging by the grammatical errors and use of ellipses instead of periods, I would wager DJ from Phila and Bruce from Philadelphia are the same jackass-y person.

MIke (J-Ville)

Mark, come on, answer my question. Do my Noles have a good shot at the upset in Provo? How do you see the game shaking out?
Mark Schlabach (2:53 PM)

I would expect them to play much better than they did against Jax. State. My concern with FSU right now is its inability to run the football. Expected a lot more from the O-line.

Mike's plead to have Mark actually answer his question fell upon deaf ears.

matthew (murfreesboro)

IF Tennessee had a QB that could just manage the game and not turn the ball over so much, do you think they are top 15 team? I feel like we have a ton of talent but we are very weak at the position that matters most
Mark Schlabach (2:56 PM)

Not very good at QB. Crompton still seems flustered too easily.

Really? This is as much of a soft toss as you get, but Mark just restates that Crompton sucks. We all know he sucks and even if we didn't, it's in the question.

Jeff (Flagstaff)

Mark - why are you once again so biased against the west coast? Barkley is awesome, but it turns out that Corp or Mustain could run the offense and the Trojans win. You should have called Bob from Atlanta an idiot
Mark Schlabach (2:57 PM)

That's why I have two Pac-10 teams in BCS bowl games right now, along with BYU and Boise State.

No chance two Pac-10 teams and Boise State and BYU go to the BCS. None whatsoever.

Mike (Anaheim)

Mark, do some research. The SEC is not "the best" conference like everyone keeps saying.
Mark Schlabach (2:58 PM)

I had them ranked No. 1 last week and will again this week. Last time I checked, it's the league that produced the last three national champions. Which other league can make that argument? What else I'm supposed to base it on? Recruiting rankings?

Look at this, Mark is actually getting pissed off about having to do his job, which he shouldn't have. No you should not base it off recruiting rankings, smart ass. You shouldn't base it off who has the best team either. It's a top to bottom ranking of a group of teams, you should watch these teams and compare them. Basing your rankings off which conference's best team is best is every bit as dumb as basing it off which conference's worst team sucks least. Or which conference's 4th best team is best. It's only slightly less inane than basing it off which conference has the hottest coach's wives. In which case the SEC would win because Lane Kiffin's wife is a babe.

But back to my original point, if you have an employee who sucks at his job and he gets pissy about it, why do you keep him around?