College football kicks off tomorrow, and frankly it's the greatest thing ever. Why is it better than the NFL? Because there's an underdog, tradition, real rivalries, and the clock stops after first downs making the fourth quarter infinitely more exciting. Pro football just doesn't compare, especially when it comes to rivalries. Michigan/Ohio State kicks the living crap out of Bears/Packers. So strap on your beer helmets and lock the female figures out of the house, it is time.
ESPN kicked off the football season by signing a 15 year contract with the SEC, which means they're gonna shove their head so far up that conference's ass that they'll be wearing Urban Meyer's colon as a hat. If I hear one more time that SEC football is "just different" and "simply better than everyone else", I'm going to drive over to Bristol and punch Gameday's producer square in the trachea. People like to dump on the Big 10, but over the past 5 years, the conferences are 9-9 against each other in bowl games (that info thanks to the extremely biased secsportsfan.com). Factor in that every single one of those games is a road game for the Big 10 team, and it looks like the middle and upper tiers of the Big 10 are better than those of the SEC. The only real difference is that the SEC has a much better lower class of teams (Vanderbilt, South Carolina, Ole Miss, and Mississippi State are better than Minnesota, Northwestern, Purdue, and Indiana). The fact that Ohio State got blown out by Florida, after a fluke but karma delivering injury to their key offensive player when he was celebrating a touchdown, should not be representative of the entire argument. Last year everyone knew LSU was head and shoulders above every other team in the country. #7 USC lost to Stanford, #5 Georgia lost to Troy, #3 Virginia Tech already lost by 40 to LSU, #4 Oklahoma lost to Colorado and Texas Tech, #8 Kansas was no better than Michigan State and got to the Orange Bowl by running up the score on garbage opponents, #6 Missouri was pretty much, make that exactly, the same team as Illinois. I am more than happy to credit the SEC with the best 2 teams in the last 2 years, but it is simply not a group of NFL teams dominating the collegiate level.
Now that I got my rant about the SEC out of the way, with minor jabs at the Big 12 which people also overrate, let's talk this year. My rule is that I don't talk about teams that I haven't watched, because it's so obvious when somebody like Lee Corso or one of your friends does this. So far I've watched a few Michigan practice highlights and South Carolina vs. NC State. South Carolina blew NC State out, and yet I'm still sure that they are a bad team. They threw 4 picks and still managed to shut the Wolfpack out. Frankly, it's more of a testament to NC State's incredible sucking power.
Why is everybody crapping on Michigan saying they're going to go 7-5? They just brought in the spread offense. Northwestern can go 7-5 in the Big 10 with a spread (the true weakness of the Big 10 is shoddy, old-fashioned coaching), I think Michigan can at least pull off 9 wins. Yeah they have a red-shirt freshman QB, but a senior wouldn't have a significant edge in knowing the system. The spread turned Pat Whie, a receiver for goodness sake, into a Heisman candidate QB. Yes the speed option is missing, but Michigan has a stable of really good running backs who actually fit the spread offense (Carlos Brown, Avery Horn, and Brandon Minor) which should be able to push ahead on the ground. Spread receivers don't need to be spectacular, just fast with one big guy, and there aren't a lot of complex patterns for them to run. You know who's excited to see what youtube legend Sam McGuffie can do with a bubble screen or quick slant? THIS guy. Frankly, it's one of the simplest and most effective offenses to run, and with talented players it can be absolutely devastating. Other important factors: the defense is actually in shape for once as they have been trained by a man who is essentially the physical embodiment of all those Chuck Norris jokes, there's an actual coaching staff, there's no pressure, they only play one team (Ohio State) that is a significant favorite and they have already been proven to be weak against the spread. Every game they play is winnable, I just don't expect them to win every game. Just more than 7.
Baseball introduced instant replay thursday. Kenny Rogers said that it shouldn't be done because you don't get a mulligan or a chance to redo mistakes in real life. Who the F*** asked you, Kenny Rogers? You still mad you didn't get a redo that time you attacked a camera man?
Upset Alerts for tomorrow's games: #17 Virginia Tech at ECU, #6 Missouri vs. #20 Illinois.
Lock: #3 USC at Virginia
Underdog who covers: Bowling Green at #25 Pittsburgh.
Remember that gambling is illegal and that information is for the purpose of winning Monopoly Dollars only. Any person caught gambling shall be condemned to hell where they will experience pain beyond imagination because a man in an exquisite hat and white robes told me so.
Has anyone noticed that the best analysts of a sport are often guys who never played? Most of the ex-players suck. As such is this case, the following people should simply be replaced by Erin Andrews or cardboard cutouts of Erin Andrews: Shannon Sharpe, Tom Jackson, Bob Kruk, Fernando Viña, Jalen Rose, and Lou Holtz should simply be euthanized.
Now it is time for rest, for tomorrow shall be a big day. You can now go back to stalking people on facebook or myspace or even in real life. I promise I won't judge you for it.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
Insert Outlandish Statement Here
As I head over to ESPN today to do my daily news gathering as well as hope that Bill Simmons may once again write an article, and not one about Boston, I notice that the headline is a comparison of the Dream Team vs. the Redeem Team. This is not the first time I've seen the article, but I have yet to read an actual breakdown. So I'll do one, keep in consideration that I'm basing most of the Dream Team analysis on the 90, 91, and 92 seasons, which is when most of the guys were in their prime.
Point Guards:
Magic Johnson and John Stockton vs. Chris Paul and Deron Williams.
I assume the Dream Team would play Stockton when Paul was on the court and Magic when Williams was in. Paul is better at drving to the basket and scoring, but Stockton was averaging a ridiculous 14 assists at the time. They are both on the All NBA Defensive Team and of similar heights. On a team of superstars, I might prefer Stockton's superior passing ability, but they are about equal. The reak advantage comes when Williams matches up with Magic. Williams' greatest asset is his size at point guard, which he uses to bully or simply shoot over smaller guards. Magic is 6'8". Williams' would be completely locked down on the offensive end. It would be interesting to see how Johnson would match up with a smaller, quicker Chris Paul. I personally see Stockton as a better match for him.
Advantage: Dream.
Shotting Guards:
Michael Jordan and Clyde Drexler vs. Kobe Bryant and Dwyane Wade.
Michael Jordan would crush Kobe Bryant in every facet of the game, to the point where Kobe would feel the need to re-masculate himself in a Colorado hotel room (you decide what that means). I am so sick of hearing any conversation that remotely compares the two. Jordan was so far a superior scorer, but people rarely realize that because their points per game totals are similar. What people don't realize is that Kobe's peak FG percentage is around 45 while Jordan at his peak shot around 52 percent from the field. To put 7 percent in perspective, that's the difference between Kobe and Larry Hughes. Michael Jordan was one of the best defenders ever, Kobe is second on his team to a man named Sasha. Michael Jordan also makes his teammates a lot better. I'm not about to compare Scottie Pippen to Lamar Odom, but I will say that Odom has a lot of the tools (size, shooting touch, ability to play multiple positions) that Pippen had and I belive Jordan would at least make him a viable all-star candidate. Look at the 1997-98 Bulls, the greatest team ever. They had Jordan, Pippen, Rodman, and a ton of role players. You could possible even count Rodman as the greatest role player ever, the perfect rebound/defense man. Kukoc couldn't defend me, Luc Longley was a stiff, Ron Harper was about the same as this year's Derek Fisher, and nobody else has more than one dimension. That team was the best ever. Kobe had a top 5 center, a more dynamic third option than Kukoc, similar caliber role players, and couldn't make the finals all that interesting. So there's my rant. Drexler and Wade are about even, I don't really care that much about them.
Advantage: Dream Team
Small Forwards:
Scottie Pippen, Larry Bird, and Chris Mullin vs. LeBron James, Tayshaun Prince, and Michael Redd.
I'd like to see Pippen vs. Lebron. Lebron has an inch and 20 pounds on Scottie, but Scottie is a far superior defender and had a much more refined game. It would be good. And even if LeBron simply overpowered him, I expect Chuck Daly would switch Charles Barkley on to him and let's see what happens when LeBron tries to run him over (it's his only move). I'd be willing to bet it's something sneaky and painful. I don't think Prince could match up with Bird's 20, 10, and 7. Bird's game is simply too polished and he can come at you in so many different ways. Both Redd and Mullin are SG/SF combos who can drain from the outside. Mullin however was All NBA in '92 while Redd was a good scoring threat on an awful team.
Advantage: slight Dream Team.
Power Forwards:
Karl Malone and Charles Barkley vs. Carmello Anthony and Carlos Boozer.
It's funny, Malone going up the heir to his throne. They also both happen to be 6'9", put up nearly identical numbers, specialize in the pick and roll, and have had trouble reaching the summit. Barkley vs. Anthony would be another fantastic matchup. Anthony would try to take him outside, while Barkley would pound him in the post.
Advantage: None.
Centers:
Patrick Ewing and David Robinson vs. Dwight Howard and Chris Bosh.
The Dream Team has a small size advantage while the Redeem Team has a significant athleticism advantage. I think Howard wins his matchup against Ewing because of his freakish athleticism and leaping ability. A young David Robinson was a little better than Chris Bosh, but not that much.
Advantage: slight Redeem Team.
I feel that Dream Team was a better team, but it would be a good game. They have a bigger advantage in international play because the Dream Team featured better 3-point shooters, but we wouldn't play like that because you should get to play by your own rules when you invent the game. Kudos to the US Basketball team for bringing home gold, as well as all the other medalists who gave the US a 10 medal victory over a country that was cheating. Good day.
Point Guards:
Magic Johnson and John Stockton vs. Chris Paul and Deron Williams.
I assume the Dream Team would play Stockton when Paul was on the court and Magic when Williams was in. Paul is better at drving to the basket and scoring, but Stockton was averaging a ridiculous 14 assists at the time. They are both on the All NBA Defensive Team and of similar heights. On a team of superstars, I might prefer Stockton's superior passing ability, but they are about equal. The reak advantage comes when Williams matches up with Magic. Williams' greatest asset is his size at point guard, which he uses to bully or simply shoot over smaller guards. Magic is 6'8". Williams' would be completely locked down on the offensive end. It would be interesting to see how Johnson would match up with a smaller, quicker Chris Paul. I personally see Stockton as a better match for him.
Advantage: Dream.
Shotting Guards:
Michael Jordan and Clyde Drexler vs. Kobe Bryant and Dwyane Wade.
Michael Jordan would crush Kobe Bryant in every facet of the game, to the point where Kobe would feel the need to re-masculate himself in a Colorado hotel room (you decide what that means). I am so sick of hearing any conversation that remotely compares the two. Jordan was so far a superior scorer, but people rarely realize that because their points per game totals are similar. What people don't realize is that Kobe's peak FG percentage is around 45 while Jordan at his peak shot around 52 percent from the field. To put 7 percent in perspective, that's the difference between Kobe and Larry Hughes. Michael Jordan was one of the best defenders ever, Kobe is second on his team to a man named Sasha. Michael Jordan also makes his teammates a lot better. I'm not about to compare Scottie Pippen to Lamar Odom, but I will say that Odom has a lot of the tools (size, shooting touch, ability to play multiple positions) that Pippen had and I belive Jordan would at least make him a viable all-star candidate. Look at the 1997-98 Bulls, the greatest team ever. They had Jordan, Pippen, Rodman, and a ton of role players. You could possible even count Rodman as the greatest role player ever, the perfect rebound/defense man. Kukoc couldn't defend me, Luc Longley was a stiff, Ron Harper was about the same as this year's Derek Fisher, and nobody else has more than one dimension. That team was the best ever. Kobe had a top 5 center, a more dynamic third option than Kukoc, similar caliber role players, and couldn't make the finals all that interesting. So there's my rant. Drexler and Wade are about even, I don't really care that much about them.
Advantage: Dream Team
Small Forwards:
Scottie Pippen, Larry Bird, and Chris Mullin vs. LeBron James, Tayshaun Prince, and Michael Redd.
I'd like to see Pippen vs. Lebron. Lebron has an inch and 20 pounds on Scottie, but Scottie is a far superior defender and had a much more refined game. It would be good. And even if LeBron simply overpowered him, I expect Chuck Daly would switch Charles Barkley on to him and let's see what happens when LeBron tries to run him over (it's his only move). I'd be willing to bet it's something sneaky and painful. I don't think Prince could match up with Bird's 20, 10, and 7. Bird's game is simply too polished and he can come at you in so many different ways. Both Redd and Mullin are SG/SF combos who can drain from the outside. Mullin however was All NBA in '92 while Redd was a good scoring threat on an awful team.
Advantage: slight Dream Team.
Power Forwards:
Karl Malone and Charles Barkley vs. Carmello Anthony and Carlos Boozer.
It's funny, Malone going up the heir to his throne. They also both happen to be 6'9", put up nearly identical numbers, specialize in the pick and roll, and have had trouble reaching the summit. Barkley vs. Anthony would be another fantastic matchup. Anthony would try to take him outside, while Barkley would pound him in the post.
Advantage: None.
Centers:
Patrick Ewing and David Robinson vs. Dwight Howard and Chris Bosh.
The Dream Team has a small size advantage while the Redeem Team has a significant athleticism advantage. I think Howard wins his matchup against Ewing because of his freakish athleticism and leaping ability. A young David Robinson was a little better than Chris Bosh, but not that much.
Advantage: slight Redeem Team.
I feel that Dream Team was a better team, but it would be a good game. They have a bigger advantage in international play because the Dream Team featured better 3-point shooters, but we wouldn't play like that because you should get to play by your own rules when you invent the game. Kudos to the US Basketball team for bringing home gold, as well as all the other medalists who gave the US a 10 medal victory over a country that was cheating. Good day.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
An Actual Sports Article
Title says it all. This one will not be based on dangerous animals or things I hate.
As a White Sox fan, I feel it's time somebody made the case for Alexei Ramirez as rookie of the year. The only other viable candidate is the Rays' Evan Longoria. Longoria is injured but ad about 70 more at bats than Ramirez before going down so it's doesn't make a difference. Their lines are:
Longoria- .278 BA, .353 OBP, 22 HRs, 71 RBIs, 7 SBs.
Ramirez- .311 BA, .330 OBP, 14 HRs, 55 RBIs, 9 SBs.
Looking at those surface stats, Longoria looks slightly better. Thankfully, we have many more stats to look at. For example, with runners in scoring position, Ramirez is hitting .400. Longoria is hitting .235. With scoring position and 2 out, Alexei hits .351. Longoria hits .246. Who would you rather have with a man on second and down 1? Probably the guy hitting 100-165 points higher in those situations. Alexei's also a better fielder. You can find that out by checking the stats or watching Baseball Tonight. Chances are he's on there making another web gem. And I don't like to make this kind of argument, but Alexei would have more RBIs if he weren't buried in the 7th or 8th spot. Quentin, Dye, and Thome already clear most of the baserunners, and the Sox have too much invested in strugglers Paul Konerko and Nick Swisher to drop them behind 7. Would you rather have the super clutch, strong fielding, .310 hitting second basemen with partially deflated RBI totals? Or do you prefer the mashing, decent fielding third basemen, who gets on base more often? They are both good options, but I think one is better than the other. And while I don't have a vote, ROY voting is really a popularity contest. So I'm going to introduce the world to my man crush, Alexei Ramirez.
The Bulls completely screwed up with Ben Gordon. Way to go Bulls management, you finally add a penetrating presence (giggle) to the team, only to get rid of your best perimeter shooter. You know who really benefits from a driving point guard? Good perimeter shooters. Anyway, he announced that he's played his last game as a Bull and he needs to be traded. So I came up with a few scenarios. These assume Gordon takes the 6.4 million qualifying offer.
The stretch deal:
1. Bulls send Ben Gordon and Kirk Hinrich to Denver, utilize 5.2 Joe Smith trade exception.
Nuggets send Allen Iverson to Chicago.
The Nuggets do this in order to get younger, something they made a priority when they traded Marcus Camby for nothing. They would have a core of Hinrich, Gordon, Carmello, and Nene. Not bad. The Bulls do it as a 1 year flier on Iverson, and it makes them an Eastern Conference version of the 2007 Golden State Warriors. They would have slashing guards, a strong scoring threat, a good midrange shooter in Deng, and some tough defensive guys in the post. It goes against the youth theme, but at a certain point the Bulls have to make a splash. Maybe at the deadline they could acquire a center and turn the team into a championship threat.
2. Bulls send Ben Gordon to the Nets.
Nets send Stromile Swift and a first round pick to the Bulls.
The Nets would move the 6'6" Vince Carter to SF and have a core of Harris, Gordon, Carter, Yi, and Brook Lopez. They could trade either Gordon or Carter when LeBron comes to town in a couple years. Swift gets buried for the year and take a first rounder in the teens for their troubles.
3. Bulls send Ben Gordon to the Magic.
Magic send Hedo Turkoglu to the Bulls.
The Magic don't have a crunch time perimeter shooter, look up Turkoglu's brick on the final play against the Pistons, and Gordon would give them that. Hedo brings some size and replaces Gordon's perimeter shooting.
4. Bulls send Ben Gordon to the Raptors.
The Raptors send Anthony Carter and Joey Graham to the Bulls.
Carter is a decent young player, but Gordon is a clear upgrade. The Bulls don't need Graham, but need his salary. He'd probably be flipped for a second rounder. It's 80 cents on the dollar, but it may be as much as the Bulls can get.
I personally believe that the best and most likely deal is Gordon for Turkoglu.
So the US basketball team looks pretty dominant, huh? I love how I'm surprised by that. I also love how we beat down the Aussies when some of their guys were chirping before the game. My favorite is the Australian who said Team USA was in "deep s---" because they were overconfident. Really, who was in "deep s---" Mr. Kangaroo? Who was overconfident? The scoreboard would indicate that "the Kangaroos" would be a correct answer to both of those question. (Note: the Kangaroos is not their official team name, however it seems appropriate.)
http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?id=3542649. Rick Reilly basically summed up how I feel about the Chinese government and the olympics. This year they have been a particularly spectacular sham. Falsified documents, outright lies, a fascist and moderately tyrannical government, and some questionable judging. Nineteen of China's 45 gold medals come in events that are scored subjectively, while only 1 of their silver medals comes in scored events. Isn't that odd? Wouldn't you expect the ratio to be a little bit more even at the top levels of elite competition than 19:1? Also, China has 10 more gold medals than they have silver and bronze combined. Every other has about the same amount of gold, silver, and bronze, if not a little more in the silver and bronze. This is more questionable than Justin Timberlake's manhood. And that is highly questionable to anyone who has heard him sing like a pre-pubescent girl.
Feeling sad about the end of summer? Football starts soon. And once that happens, I can write a real post. So now you have something to look forward to. Until then, good day.
As a White Sox fan, I feel it's time somebody made the case for Alexei Ramirez as rookie of the year. The only other viable candidate is the Rays' Evan Longoria. Longoria is injured but ad about 70 more at bats than Ramirez before going down so it's doesn't make a difference. Their lines are:
Longoria- .278 BA, .353 OBP, 22 HRs, 71 RBIs, 7 SBs.
Ramirez- .311 BA, .330 OBP, 14 HRs, 55 RBIs, 9 SBs.
Looking at those surface stats, Longoria looks slightly better. Thankfully, we have many more stats to look at. For example, with runners in scoring position, Ramirez is hitting .400. Longoria is hitting .235. With scoring position and 2 out, Alexei hits .351. Longoria hits .246. Who would you rather have with a man on second and down 1? Probably the guy hitting 100-165 points higher in those situations. Alexei's also a better fielder. You can find that out by checking the stats or watching Baseball Tonight. Chances are he's on there making another web gem. And I don't like to make this kind of argument, but Alexei would have more RBIs if he weren't buried in the 7th or 8th spot. Quentin, Dye, and Thome already clear most of the baserunners, and the Sox have too much invested in strugglers Paul Konerko and Nick Swisher to drop them behind 7. Would you rather have the super clutch, strong fielding, .310 hitting second basemen with partially deflated RBI totals? Or do you prefer the mashing, decent fielding third basemen, who gets on base more often? They are both good options, but I think one is better than the other. And while I don't have a vote, ROY voting is really a popularity contest. So I'm going to introduce the world to my man crush, Alexei Ramirez.
The Bulls completely screwed up with Ben Gordon. Way to go Bulls management, you finally add a penetrating presence (giggle) to the team, only to get rid of your best perimeter shooter. You know who really benefits from a driving point guard? Good perimeter shooters. Anyway, he announced that he's played his last game as a Bull and he needs to be traded. So I came up with a few scenarios. These assume Gordon takes the 6.4 million qualifying offer.
The stretch deal:
1. Bulls send Ben Gordon and Kirk Hinrich to Denver, utilize 5.2 Joe Smith trade exception.
Nuggets send Allen Iverson to Chicago.
The Nuggets do this in order to get younger, something they made a priority when they traded Marcus Camby for nothing. They would have a core of Hinrich, Gordon, Carmello, and Nene. Not bad. The Bulls do it as a 1 year flier on Iverson, and it makes them an Eastern Conference version of the 2007 Golden State Warriors. They would have slashing guards, a strong scoring threat, a good midrange shooter in Deng, and some tough defensive guys in the post. It goes against the youth theme, but at a certain point the Bulls have to make a splash. Maybe at the deadline they could acquire a center and turn the team into a championship threat.
2. Bulls send Ben Gordon to the Nets.
Nets send Stromile Swift and a first round pick to the Bulls.
The Nets would move the 6'6" Vince Carter to SF and have a core of Harris, Gordon, Carter, Yi, and Brook Lopez. They could trade either Gordon or Carter when LeBron comes to town in a couple years. Swift gets buried for the year and take a first rounder in the teens for their troubles.
3. Bulls send Ben Gordon to the Magic.
Magic send Hedo Turkoglu to the Bulls.
The Magic don't have a crunch time perimeter shooter, look up Turkoglu's brick on the final play against the Pistons, and Gordon would give them that. Hedo brings some size and replaces Gordon's perimeter shooting.
4. Bulls send Ben Gordon to the Raptors.
The Raptors send Anthony Carter and Joey Graham to the Bulls.
Carter is a decent young player, but Gordon is a clear upgrade. The Bulls don't need Graham, but need his salary. He'd probably be flipped for a second rounder. It's 80 cents on the dollar, but it may be as much as the Bulls can get.
I personally believe that the best and most likely deal is Gordon for Turkoglu.
So the US basketball team looks pretty dominant, huh? I love how I'm surprised by that. I also love how we beat down the Aussies when some of their guys were chirping before the game. My favorite is the Australian who said Team USA was in "deep s---" because they were overconfident. Really, who was in "deep s---" Mr. Kangaroo? Who was overconfident? The scoreboard would indicate that "the Kangaroos" would be a correct answer to both of those question. (Note: the Kangaroos is not their official team name, however it seems appropriate.)
http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?id=3542649. Rick Reilly basically summed up how I feel about the Chinese government and the olympics. This year they have been a particularly spectacular sham. Falsified documents, outright lies, a fascist and moderately tyrannical government, and some questionable judging. Nineteen of China's 45 gold medals come in events that are scored subjectively, while only 1 of their silver medals comes in scored events. Isn't that odd? Wouldn't you expect the ratio to be a little bit more even at the top levels of elite competition than 19:1? Also, China has 10 more gold medals than they have silver and bronze combined. Every other has about the same amount of gold, silver, and bronze, if not a little more in the silver and bronze. This is more questionable than Justin Timberlake's manhood. And that is highly questionable to anyone who has heard him sing like a pre-pubescent girl.
Feeling sad about the end of summer? Football starts soon. And once that happens, I can write a real post. So now you have something to look forward to. Until then, good day.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Late Night Rants
It's late and I was up until 5 in the morning with my friend in New York yesterday, so now seemed like the perfect time to write. I'm pretty sure that a lot of the greatest pieces of writing were written by authors that were sleep deprived or intoxicated, in one way or another they were not in a perfect mental state. My thoughts on all the important things that happened, and some that may not have happened, over the past couple of days are as follows:
Watching the US Swim team get Michael Phelps his eighth gold was worth leaving Soho early. I felt like going out and destroying communism, only to learn that there are only 1 or 2 real communist states left because communism doesn't work. Yet I still see a bunch of hipster punks handing out communist fliers claiming to know better than you. The aforementioned people should be rounded up and sent Antarctica. Let's see if polar bears tolerate their shennanigans.
Speaking of polar bears, you know that WWF commercial where they show a bunch of cute endangered polar bears on some floating ice in order to get you to send them money? They should show a polar bear taking down a small whale, which they do, and literally biting its face off. I feel that's a more accurate representation of the mighty polar bear and I would definitely feel like I owed them money after seeing something that amazing.
While up from 2 to 4 last night I watched the second Harold and Kumar movie. It was the first thing I had ever seen during that time period that wasn't funny. Seriously, everything is fantastic from 2 to 4 in the morning and that movie still sucked. Don't see it.
However, you should see Pineapple Express. I put it on the overrated side of a column a week ago, was ready for a letdown, and loved that movie. I consider myself a fairly tough movie guy, but Pineapple Express was genuinely excellent.
Everytime I fly, the airline seats me next to someone with gray hair and a moustache. Sometimes it's a man, sometimes it's a woman, but I never get sat next to someone withing 30 years of me. Frankly, I'd like to sit next to an attractive girl.
I got to try some kobe beef this weekend, because I wasn't paying for the meal, and it is noticeably tastier. It was only a slider, not a whole steak or anything, but it tasted like happiness and children's laughter. I recommend trying it once in your life, especially if someone else is paying.
I don't remember who or where, but someone described ESPN as standing for the Eastern Seaboard Programming Network. I liked that, very accurate.
For summer reading I came across a graduation speech given by Conan O'Brien. I found it amusing, I laughed out loud, and I may even have been inspired. I don't know what inspiration feels like so it could have been something else, I don't care because that's not what cool people do. Anyway here's a link. http://painstakinglydrafted.wordpress.com/2007/05/02/conan-obriens-graduation-speech/
You know how I said that Michael Phelps should tea bag his opponents after crushing them? Well Usain Bolt came about as close as you really can when he started taunting everyone in the 100 meter dash finals with a third of the race left, and still set a world record. I was amazed by both his speed and lack of sportsmanship.
What do you think Phelps should do with his 8 gold medals? I think he should have them made into the most bitchingest menorah ever. One for each night. Wearing them all when he goes out in public would be cool, too.
Guess who currently has more medals, Canada or Kazakhstan? If you guessed Kazakhstan, grab yourself a gold star.
Madden 09 is sweet, although I don't love the computer IQ thing. If someone could tell me how to defend that play on the IQ where both receivers run button hooks, that would be great.
I'm going to come back to this in the morning and see if it makes any sense. If it does, I'll edit it until it doesn't. Until then, I'm off to destroy the Kraken.
Watching the US Swim team get Michael Phelps his eighth gold was worth leaving Soho early. I felt like going out and destroying communism, only to learn that there are only 1 or 2 real communist states left because communism doesn't work. Yet I still see a bunch of hipster punks handing out communist fliers claiming to know better than you. The aforementioned people should be rounded up and sent Antarctica. Let's see if polar bears tolerate their shennanigans.
Speaking of polar bears, you know that WWF commercial where they show a bunch of cute endangered polar bears on some floating ice in order to get you to send them money? They should show a polar bear taking down a small whale, which they do, and literally biting its face off. I feel that's a more accurate representation of the mighty polar bear and I would definitely feel like I owed them money after seeing something that amazing.
While up from 2 to 4 last night I watched the second Harold and Kumar movie. It was the first thing I had ever seen during that time period that wasn't funny. Seriously, everything is fantastic from 2 to 4 in the morning and that movie still sucked. Don't see it.
However, you should see Pineapple Express. I put it on the overrated side of a column a week ago, was ready for a letdown, and loved that movie. I consider myself a fairly tough movie guy, but Pineapple Express was genuinely excellent.
Everytime I fly, the airline seats me next to someone with gray hair and a moustache. Sometimes it's a man, sometimes it's a woman, but I never get sat next to someone withing 30 years of me. Frankly, I'd like to sit next to an attractive girl.
I got to try some kobe beef this weekend, because I wasn't paying for the meal, and it is noticeably tastier. It was only a slider, not a whole steak or anything, but it tasted like happiness and children's laughter. I recommend trying it once in your life, especially if someone else is paying.
I don't remember who or where, but someone described ESPN as standing for the Eastern Seaboard Programming Network. I liked that, very accurate.
For summer reading I came across a graduation speech given by Conan O'Brien. I found it amusing, I laughed out loud, and I may even have been inspired. I don't know what inspiration feels like so it could have been something else, I don't care because that's not what cool people do. Anyway here's a link. http://painstakinglydrafted.wordpress.com/2007/05/02/conan-obriens-graduation-speech/
You know how I said that Michael Phelps should tea bag his opponents after crushing them? Well Usain Bolt came about as close as you really can when he started taunting everyone in the 100 meter dash finals with a third of the race left, and still set a world record. I was amazed by both his speed and lack of sportsmanship.
What do you think Phelps should do with his 8 gold medals? I think he should have them made into the most bitchingest menorah ever. One for each night. Wearing them all when he goes out in public would be cool, too.
Guess who currently has more medals, Canada or Kazakhstan? If you guessed Kazakhstan, grab yourself a gold star.
Madden 09 is sweet, although I don't love the computer IQ thing. If someone could tell me how to defend that play on the IQ where both receivers run button hooks, that would be great.
I'm going to come back to this in the morning and see if it makes any sense. If it does, I'll edit it until it doesn't. Until then, I'm off to destroy the Kraken.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Gold Medal Column
This remains a somewhat difficult time to write about sports, evidenced by all the coverage given to NBA 12th men jumping to Europe and the media created threat surrounding it. I like that Cavs owner Dan Gilbert recently called major sports writers out on it. Here's another random thoughts column.
Has anyone else notice that the early olympic events are all games dominated by the Chinese? I don't know if they choose the schedule, I assume they do, and it looks like they're trying to make themselves look better. Has there been a single track and field event? What the hell is men's 10 meter air pistol? It freaked me out to see the Chinese leading the medal count, but when it turns out they're winning all of it in judo, lightweight division weightlifting, and shooting, I understand. Americans don't particularly care about those sports. We'll take the lead as soon as the sports start involving a ball. I also think it's funny that Americans are stereotyped as fat and lazy even though we're the most athletic country in the world.
If Michael Phelps wins 8 gold medals, he should be allowed to tea bag all those who fell to his might. That's how it works on Xbox Live. You get wrecked, you get bagged.
The Yankee beast is finally dead. It has to be. They have to make up more than a game a week to get the division, and are 4 back of their biggest rival for the wild card, and are injured all over. I honestly feel better knowing they aren't in the playoffs. My only regret is that the streak ended the year after Papa George stepped down. His tirade could have been the stuff of legend.
Hawk Harrelson recently said that 3 most dangerous teams are the Angels, Cubs, and White Sox. Having seen some of all 3, as well as the Red Sox and Rays, I agree with that assessment. All 3 have lineups that can bomb and 3 pitchers that can be downright dominant. I wouldn't want to play the Brewers in a 5 game set, but they aren't as well off for a 7 game as the others because they play awful defense and have no bullpen.
The D'Backs picked up Adam Dunn today for prospects. I don't know how much he'll help over there, seeing as he doesn't hit for average and no one in front of him can get on base. Like an anti-social drinker, most of his shots will be solo.
http://www.faniq.com/blog/Video-Michael-Phelps-Jason-Lezak-And-USA-4x100-Freestyle-Relay-Team-Beat-France-To-Win-Gold-Blog-10943. I haven't figured out how to hyperlink on this, but it's the Americans coming back to beat the the trash talking French. Why were the French talking trash? The last 2 times they talked trash, Germany ended up running the country for a little while. I think we should let Germany run France for a little while until they remember where they belong. Go away French people, I don't like you.
You may be wondering why I dislike the French. I suggest you read the book "50 Reasons To Hate The French" or watch Thomas L. Friedman's "Does Europe Hate Us?". Both are excellent examples of why we should train polar bears and other endangered wild animals to attack France and make it their new home.
I was disappointed by the coverage of the Beijing stabbings. Seemed sensationalist and I felt it lacked respect for the victims.
Michael Phelps just set another world record and won another gold medal. The man is a freak.
Did South Park and Family Guy become significantly more juvenile over the last 2 years or did I mature? I did not mature so it must be the former. I made up a fun game called "See How Much Time Family Guy Wastes In An Episode With Unfunny Running Jokes Because They Can No Longer Come Up With Original Ideas." I'm working on a better title, but it averages around 5 minutes per show.
27 Hours until Madden. I think I'll write a review article on that. Let's hope they fixed the "F*** YOU!!" play that the computer likes to screw you with in the fourth quarter. You know the play. The one where your about to take control of the game and you fumble, or the computer breaks 5 tackles for a score. I broke many an electronic device on the "F*** YOU!!" play.
May Snow Wolf bless you with a pleasant night.
Has anyone else notice that the early olympic events are all games dominated by the Chinese? I don't know if they choose the schedule, I assume they do, and it looks like they're trying to make themselves look better. Has there been a single track and field event? What the hell is men's 10 meter air pistol? It freaked me out to see the Chinese leading the medal count, but when it turns out they're winning all of it in judo, lightweight division weightlifting, and shooting, I understand. Americans don't particularly care about those sports. We'll take the lead as soon as the sports start involving a ball. I also think it's funny that Americans are stereotyped as fat and lazy even though we're the most athletic country in the world.
If Michael Phelps wins 8 gold medals, he should be allowed to tea bag all those who fell to his might. That's how it works on Xbox Live. You get wrecked, you get bagged.
The Yankee beast is finally dead. It has to be. They have to make up more than a game a week to get the division, and are 4 back of their biggest rival for the wild card, and are injured all over. I honestly feel better knowing they aren't in the playoffs. My only regret is that the streak ended the year after Papa George stepped down. His tirade could have been the stuff of legend.
Hawk Harrelson recently said that 3 most dangerous teams are the Angels, Cubs, and White Sox. Having seen some of all 3, as well as the Red Sox and Rays, I agree with that assessment. All 3 have lineups that can bomb and 3 pitchers that can be downright dominant. I wouldn't want to play the Brewers in a 5 game set, but they aren't as well off for a 7 game as the others because they play awful defense and have no bullpen.
The D'Backs picked up Adam Dunn today for prospects. I don't know how much he'll help over there, seeing as he doesn't hit for average and no one in front of him can get on base. Like an anti-social drinker, most of his shots will be solo.
http://www.faniq.com/blog/Video-Michael-Phelps-Jason-Lezak-And-USA-4x100-Freestyle-Relay-Team-Beat-France-To-Win-Gold-Blog-10943. I haven't figured out how to hyperlink on this, but it's the Americans coming back to beat the the trash talking French. Why were the French talking trash? The last 2 times they talked trash, Germany ended up running the country for a little while. I think we should let Germany run France for a little while until they remember where they belong. Go away French people, I don't like you.
You may be wondering why I dislike the French. I suggest you read the book "50 Reasons To Hate The French" or watch Thomas L. Friedman's "Does Europe Hate Us?". Both are excellent examples of why we should train polar bears and other endangered wild animals to attack France and make it their new home.
I was disappointed by the coverage of the Beijing stabbings. Seemed sensationalist and I felt it lacked respect for the victims.
Michael Phelps just set another world record and won another gold medal. The man is a freak.
Did South Park and Family Guy become significantly more juvenile over the last 2 years or did I mature? I did not mature so it must be the former. I made up a fun game called "See How Much Time Family Guy Wastes In An Episode With Unfunny Running Jokes Because They Can No Longer Come Up With Original Ideas." I'm working on a better title, but it averages around 5 minutes per show.
27 Hours until Madden. I think I'll write a review article on that. Let's hope they fixed the "F*** YOU!!" play that the computer likes to screw you with in the fourth quarter. You know the play. The one where your about to take control of the game and you fumble, or the computer breaks 5 tackles for a score. I broke many an electronic device on the "F*** YOU!!" play.
May Snow Wolf bless you with a pleasant night.
Friday, August 8, 2008
NO MORE BRETT FAVRE!!!
The Packers finally made the move and dealt Brett to the Jets. I tried not to comment on this whole saga, but now that there's a trade, I have a reason to speak out. Looking over the Packers offense, I feel better about the Bears chances at a wild card. Our offense sucks, but the Packers offense just lost a huge playmaker and their defense isn't as good as ours. Brett may kill a team with a stupid pick in the playoffs, in fact he has twice, but he takes a questionable offense with no running back and turns it into a threat. Live by the Favre, die by the Favre.
The Jets strongly resemble last year's Packers that went 13-3. Granted that they play in the AFC, but looking over their schedule, 10-6 is well within reach. It's going to be a battle with Cleveland, Tennessee, and Jacksonville for those 2 wild card spots. I personally like Cleveland and Jacksonville out of that group, but all 4 could make and maybe the Texans or Bills could threaten as well.
I hold no regard for the Packers management regime. How do you force out a 3-time MVP, who never missed a game in 16 years, brought a small market team a Super Bowl and respect, and most importantly, is an upgrade over your current starter? Did Brett flip-flop? Hell yes. But it was clear at every step that he still wanted to be a Packer, and even more clear that Ted Thompson (who looks like some sort of deviant) would not allow that. I think Favre handled this wrongly, he should have said all along that I want to be a Packer and these guys won't let me.
MLB is investigating reports that Scott Boras encouraged Manny to tank in order to guarantee the Red Sox would not pick up their team option on him. Manny signed his previous with a different agent, so Boras sees no money until Manny signs a new contract. Here's to hoping they find significant evidence and banish Boras's pitchfork carrying ass from professional sports.
Also, please spare me the ensuing race argument that people are only saying Manny tanked because he isn't white. He did tank, OK. He hit .347 at the plate because he's smart. He knows he's auditioning for money in the offseason and if teams feel he's lost his eye or bat speed, that's millions of dollars lost. He did it in the field and on the basepaths. You've seen the highlights of him letting flyballs drop and the one where he slides by the ball then rolls around over it, thus turning a pop out into a triple. He did it by choke-slamming travel aides, hitting Kevin Youkilis, shoving Red Sox employees, and telling Francona he wouldn't play. This isn't a race issue, this is Manny being a complete and utter turd.
(Note: As soon as I wrote this, Rob Parker on ESPN's 1st and 10 played the race card. For the first time ever, I'm nodding in agreement with douche Skip Bayless. Lead us to the almighty truth Skip!)
Who's excited for Madden? I'm excited for Madden. I'll be forming one of those full league online fantasy draft leagues where nerds play each other every sunday. Oh yes.
The Grizz signed Josh Smith to an offer sheet for 11.5 million a year. The Hawks will match it if they have any sense. I'm not sure why the Grizz did that, they just trade Pau Gasol for nothing. If you were gonna make a playoff push, all-star centers are typically considered valuable. I think Chris Wallace and Annonymous Rich Guy Who Owns The Grizzlies are bipolar. Let's get Bob Ley on this.
I really should have put Kobe Bryant in the overrated article. If he wins a title without Shaq, then we can compare him to Julius Erving not Michael Jordan. I would honestly prefer to have LeBron James's 30 points, 8 reb, and 7 assists last year over Kobe's 28, 6, and 5 in the same categories. LeBron took the Celtics to 7 with a garbage heap. Kobe put up 5 games of fight with an all-star center and a solid 3rd option in Lamar Odom. Vujacic would've been the starter on the Cavs, he was in the bench rotation for the Lakers.
Thr Olympics start today and I don't particularly care. Come home with gold or move in with the Mongols.
The Jets strongly resemble last year's Packers that went 13-3. Granted that they play in the AFC, but looking over their schedule, 10-6 is well within reach. It's going to be a battle with Cleveland, Tennessee, and Jacksonville for those 2 wild card spots. I personally like Cleveland and Jacksonville out of that group, but all 4 could make and maybe the Texans or Bills could threaten as well.
I hold no regard for the Packers management regime. How do you force out a 3-time MVP, who never missed a game in 16 years, brought a small market team a Super Bowl and respect, and most importantly, is an upgrade over your current starter? Did Brett flip-flop? Hell yes. But it was clear at every step that he still wanted to be a Packer, and even more clear that Ted Thompson (who looks like some sort of deviant) would not allow that. I think Favre handled this wrongly, he should have said all along that I want to be a Packer and these guys won't let me.
MLB is investigating reports that Scott Boras encouraged Manny to tank in order to guarantee the Red Sox would not pick up their team option on him. Manny signed his previous with a different agent, so Boras sees no money until Manny signs a new contract. Here's to hoping they find significant evidence and banish Boras's pitchfork carrying ass from professional sports.
Also, please spare me the ensuing race argument that people are only saying Manny tanked because he isn't white. He did tank, OK. He hit .347 at the plate because he's smart. He knows he's auditioning for money in the offseason and if teams feel he's lost his eye or bat speed, that's millions of dollars lost. He did it in the field and on the basepaths. You've seen the highlights of him letting flyballs drop and the one where he slides by the ball then rolls around over it, thus turning a pop out into a triple. He did it by choke-slamming travel aides, hitting Kevin Youkilis, shoving Red Sox employees, and telling Francona he wouldn't play. This isn't a race issue, this is Manny being a complete and utter turd.
(Note: As soon as I wrote this, Rob Parker on ESPN's 1st and 10 played the race card. For the first time ever, I'm nodding in agreement with douche Skip Bayless. Lead us to the almighty truth Skip!)
Who's excited for Madden? I'm excited for Madden. I'll be forming one of those full league online fantasy draft leagues where nerds play each other every sunday. Oh yes.
The Grizz signed Josh Smith to an offer sheet for 11.5 million a year. The Hawks will match it if they have any sense. I'm not sure why the Grizz did that, they just trade Pau Gasol for nothing. If you were gonna make a playoff push, all-star centers are typically considered valuable. I think Chris Wallace and Annonymous Rich Guy Who Owns The Grizzlies are bipolar. Let's get Bob Ley on this.
I really should have put Kobe Bryant in the overrated article. If he wins a title without Shaq, then we can compare him to Julius Erving not Michael Jordan. I would honestly prefer to have LeBron James's 30 points, 8 reb, and 7 assists last year over Kobe's 28, 6, and 5 in the same categories. LeBron took the Celtics to 7 with a garbage heap. Kobe put up 5 games of fight with an all-star center and a solid 3rd option in Lamar Odom. Vujacic would've been the starter on the Cavs, he was in the bench rotation for the Lakers.
Thr Olympics start today and I don't particularly care. Come home with gold or move in with the Mongols.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Overrated or Underrated?
I'm sorry for my last article being unbearably long, I had a lot to say. This one will be shorter and features a theme, which is rare. A friend asked for an overrated/underrated column, and I can't deny a request because it means someone will read this. It's been done before, but Will Ferrell plays the same character in every movie and he never gets old, so maybe it's like Will Ferrell. I tried to find a counterpart for everything and they are ranked from most eggregiously misrated to only slightly misrated.
Overrated: Lil Wayne. He rhymes the same words over and over, he rarely makes any sense, he mispronounces words and finishes thoughts half way in order to fit rhymes, he's repetitive, his songs have no energy, and he's incredibly popular. His new hit "A Milli" would be the worst song I've ever heard, had I not already heard Lil Wayne's "Phone Home". I understand that he makes frat party music, but so do many other people (often better) and none of them get mention as the heir to rap's throne. It's a well known fact that Lil Wayne just gets high as hell, turns on the mic, and just churns out songs. I can respect that he's at work so often, but if you're not stoned, he just sounds like another stoner retard telling you about something you had to be there to understand.
Underrated: I don't listen to too much rap so it's hard to find a counterpart and most good rap gets popular pretty quick. So I'll give you some albums that I particularly like that aren't that well known or may have and have forgotten about: Lucky Boys Confusion's Commitment, Reel Big Fish's Our Live Album Is Better Than Your Live Album, Vertical Horizon's Everything You Want, Linkin Park's Hybrid Theory, Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here (My Favorite Album Cover Ever), and as much I think Kanye's a punk, he did good on Graduation. The first albums are more underrated and the others are popular but I wanted to represent a lot of genres and those cover more. I also really like the Killers' Hot Fuss, but hate their new stuff.
Overrated: Playoff experience in baseball. So few teams make the playoff (only 3 every year from the AL since the Yanks make it every year) that really not a lot of guys have playoff experience. Sure there are legends who shine every October, but it's such a crapshoot in baseball that lacking a championship ring doesn't really hinder a player's Hall of Fame resume. Since 2000, the final year of the Yankees reign, 4 teams who had just about no playoff experience won the world series. They are the 2001 D'Backs, the 2002 Angels, the 2003 Marlins, and the 2005 White Sox. I had a witty one-liner to drop here, but I just watched a commercial in which a biker gets into to bed with a man in a Geico Gecko suit and can not think.
Underrated: Outifield defense. It sounds like an oxymoron, but it's one of the reasons the Twins have made it this far. When the White Sox played them, I was really impressed and infuriated with their ability to get to balls in the gap, turning doubles into singles or outs. A team also can't be as aggressive tagging against good outfielders. Looking back at the outfields of world series winners (thanks baseball-reference.com), almost all of them had strong defensive outfields. The '01 D'Backs outfielders made 4 errors all year. the '03 Marlins had Juan Pierre when he was good, Miguel Cabrera when he could fit through a door, and Juan Encarnacion had a nifty 7/0 Assist to Error ratio. The '05 White Sox moved Scott Podsednik to left, had Aaron Rowand in center, and Jermaine Dye's league leading 9 assists in right. If a seemingly inferior team keeps winning, take a close look at who's roaming the outfield for them.
Overrated: Missouri and Illinois. Mark it down, Missouri will go 10-3 but get crushed by Texas and Oklahoma in the Big 12 championship. They don't play a real schedule and the Big 12 deserves it's own rant on being overrated. Illinois has Ron Zook at the helm, so they will get 1 big win (probably Missouri), beat the teams they should, and lose to teams of a similar caliber. A final record of 8-4 seems likely.
Underrated: Iowa. This year's Missouri that will end up being vastly overrated after going through a schedule that features no top 10 opponent. Kirk Ferentz is on the hot seat and if he's really a good coach, he'll pull himself off that seat with a 10 or 11 win season.
Overrated: Pineapple Express. It came out today, I haven't seen it, I don't know anyone who has, but it will be overrated. It's a movie all about pot and there's nothing a pot head with a burnt out sense of humor loves more than weed jokes. It will be pretty funny, but stoners will laugh too loud, too long, and talk too much about it. Was Knocked Up really that great a movie? No, but it appealed to the the right crowd and it know gets treated like a great movie. Same thing here.
Underrated: Boondock Saints. My favorite move nobody knows. The plot isn't brilliant, but there's lots of action and the movie is shot really well. Will definitely entertain you everytime you see it.
Overrated: Running Backs.
Underrated: Offensive Line. The best running backs in the NFL are products of their offensive line. Look at Larry Johnson after he had 2 Hall of Famers on the left side of his line retire. He went from the best to washed up. After the Vikings picked up Steve Hutchinson, Chester Taylor became a viable offensive option and Adrian Peterson looks like Jesus in pads. Edgerrin James leaves the Colts O-Line for the Cardinals and can't average 3.5 YPC. All the league's best running backs have great offensive lines. A good runner becomes great and a great becomes an all-timer. This is not to doubt the talents of LT, Adrian Peterson, and others, but they would not be anywhere near where they are without a strong group of uglies clearing the way.
Overrated: The Dark Knight. Great movie, not in the top 3 I have ever seen. I've heard too many friends say it's a top 10 movie ever.
Underrated: Boxing. You can download the Margarito-Cotto fight for free online and I recommend you do if you have some free time.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to listen to Tha Carter III and laugh my ass off at Lil Wayne's attempt at music. Then I will feel bad because he makes millions of dollars. Then I will feel good again because he looks like he was hit in the face with a frying pan. Then I will feel bad because he still gets more sex than he can handle. Then finally good again because I don't have chlamydia.
Overrated: Lil Wayne. He rhymes the same words over and over, he rarely makes any sense, he mispronounces words and finishes thoughts half way in order to fit rhymes, he's repetitive, his songs have no energy, and he's incredibly popular. His new hit "A Milli" would be the worst song I've ever heard, had I not already heard Lil Wayne's "Phone Home". I understand that he makes frat party music, but so do many other people (often better) and none of them get mention as the heir to rap's throne. It's a well known fact that Lil Wayne just gets high as hell, turns on the mic, and just churns out songs. I can respect that he's at work so often, but if you're not stoned, he just sounds like another stoner retard telling you about something you had to be there to understand.
Underrated: I don't listen to too much rap so it's hard to find a counterpart and most good rap gets popular pretty quick. So I'll give you some albums that I particularly like that aren't that well known or may have and have forgotten about: Lucky Boys Confusion's Commitment, Reel Big Fish's Our Live Album Is Better Than Your Live Album, Vertical Horizon's Everything You Want, Linkin Park's Hybrid Theory, Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here (My Favorite Album Cover Ever), and as much I think Kanye's a punk, he did good on Graduation. The first albums are more underrated and the others are popular but I wanted to represent a lot of genres and those cover more. I also really like the Killers' Hot Fuss, but hate their new stuff.
Overrated: Playoff experience in baseball. So few teams make the playoff (only 3 every year from the AL since the Yanks make it every year) that really not a lot of guys have playoff experience. Sure there are legends who shine every October, but it's such a crapshoot in baseball that lacking a championship ring doesn't really hinder a player's Hall of Fame resume. Since 2000, the final year of the Yankees reign, 4 teams who had just about no playoff experience won the world series. They are the 2001 D'Backs, the 2002 Angels, the 2003 Marlins, and the 2005 White Sox. I had a witty one-liner to drop here, but I just watched a commercial in which a biker gets into to bed with a man in a Geico Gecko suit and can not think.
Underrated: Outifield defense. It sounds like an oxymoron, but it's one of the reasons the Twins have made it this far. When the White Sox played them, I was really impressed and infuriated with their ability to get to balls in the gap, turning doubles into singles or outs. A team also can't be as aggressive tagging against good outfielders. Looking back at the outfields of world series winners (thanks baseball-reference.com), almost all of them had strong defensive outfields. The '01 D'Backs outfielders made 4 errors all year. the '03 Marlins had Juan Pierre when he was good, Miguel Cabrera when he could fit through a door, and Juan Encarnacion had a nifty 7/0 Assist to Error ratio. The '05 White Sox moved Scott Podsednik to left, had Aaron Rowand in center, and Jermaine Dye's league leading 9 assists in right. If a seemingly inferior team keeps winning, take a close look at who's roaming the outfield for them.
Overrated: Missouri and Illinois. Mark it down, Missouri will go 10-3 but get crushed by Texas and Oklahoma in the Big 12 championship. They don't play a real schedule and the Big 12 deserves it's own rant on being overrated. Illinois has Ron Zook at the helm, so they will get 1 big win (probably Missouri), beat the teams they should, and lose to teams of a similar caliber. A final record of 8-4 seems likely.
Underrated: Iowa. This year's Missouri that will end up being vastly overrated after going through a schedule that features no top 10 opponent. Kirk Ferentz is on the hot seat and if he's really a good coach, he'll pull himself off that seat with a 10 or 11 win season.
Overrated: Pineapple Express. It came out today, I haven't seen it, I don't know anyone who has, but it will be overrated. It's a movie all about pot and there's nothing a pot head with a burnt out sense of humor loves more than weed jokes. It will be pretty funny, but stoners will laugh too loud, too long, and talk too much about it. Was Knocked Up really that great a movie? No, but it appealed to the the right crowd and it know gets treated like a great movie. Same thing here.
Underrated: Boondock Saints. My favorite move nobody knows. The plot isn't brilliant, but there's lots of action and the movie is shot really well. Will definitely entertain you everytime you see it.
Overrated: Running Backs.
Underrated: Offensive Line. The best running backs in the NFL are products of their offensive line. Look at Larry Johnson after he had 2 Hall of Famers on the left side of his line retire. He went from the best to washed up. After the Vikings picked up Steve Hutchinson, Chester Taylor became a viable offensive option and Adrian Peterson looks like Jesus in pads. Edgerrin James leaves the Colts O-Line for the Cardinals and can't average 3.5 YPC. All the league's best running backs have great offensive lines. A good runner becomes great and a great becomes an all-timer. This is not to doubt the talents of LT, Adrian Peterson, and others, but they would not be anywhere near where they are without a strong group of uglies clearing the way.
Overrated: The Dark Knight. Great movie, not in the top 3 I have ever seen. I've heard too many friends say it's a top 10 movie ever.
Underrated: Boxing. You can download the Margarito-Cotto fight for free online and I recommend you do if you have some free time.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to listen to Tha Carter III and laugh my ass off at Lil Wayne's attempt at music. Then I will feel bad because he makes millions of dollars. Then I will feel good again because he looks like he was hit in the face with a frying pan. Then I will feel bad because he still gets more sex than he can handle. Then finally good again because I don't have chlamydia.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Warped, Sports, and Forts
A lot of things happened the last 3 days or so. We had a flurry of activity at the trade deadline, I hit up the Warped tour in Milwaukee, and built the most bitching fort in my basement.
Trade Winners:
1. Milwaukee Brewers. They at least bought themselves a playoff birth and a shot at the division in the Sabbathia trade. He's a perfect NL pitcher: can go deep into games, overpowering stuff, and can hit. It's not a tough call when he comes up top 7 to say "take your bat CC, you're out there next inning." That's important. They gave up Matt LaPorta and a friend of mine who works for the Brewers and watched LaPorta is sure he'll be a stud. So the Indians got a good looking deal as well.
2. Chicago Cubs. Harden and Wood, can we get NBA benchwarmer Matt Bonner to work in middle relief so we can make more jokes? Rich is a great six inning pitcher, but he's only a 6 inning pitcher. Which is why you will see great stats from him in every category but the win-loss column. You can count on 3 runs or less, but how much do you like turning the ball over to middle relievers for 2 innings every outing? Those guys are wild cards, that's why they aren't starters or closers. The scouting reports are very positive on Gallagher and he's posting a 4 ERA at 22, so he might be very good one day. He needs to work on better mixing his pitches as well as locations (thank you ESPN scouting).
3. Angels. A middle of the order consisting of Vlad, Teixeira, and Torii Hunter. That's intimidating. They know look like the most complete team in baseball. They lost Kotchman who's a good young player, but his OBP was .321 and he was on pace to be a 20 HR guy. You want more out of your 5 guy. They also gave up Steve Marek a closer-prospect. Angels fans may be upset over losing a sentimental favorite in Kotchman, who's father is a minor league manager for the Angels and was brought up on the Angels, but the fact of the matter is that most of the game's very good-elite 1B were far better at age 25 than Kotchman is.
-----Epic Gap in the impact of the trades.
3. Yankees. Picked up Pudge who calls a good game and hits decently for an easily replaceable Kyle Farnsworth. Xavier Nady is incredibly underrated and will probably take over at DH. That lineup will not be fun to go throw because everyone can hurt you, with the exception of the Melky "Milkman" Cabrera (the milkman only delivers once a week, much like Cabrera). Marte is a left handed specialist who adds depth to the bullpen. They gave up a couple of B prospects, which if your the Yanks means nothing.
4. White Sox and Reds. Good trade for both sides. Griffey probably won't be an everyday starter, but will push Swisher and Konerko to start performing as well as allow Dye and Quentin to take a day off here and there without forfeiting the game. The two have combined to miss 4 out of about 200 possible games. Granted baseball isn't a taxing sport, but you still want guys fresh. Griffey also provides a left handed power bat to balance the order. The Reds win because they save 8 million dollars. They got a long reliever and utility man in the process too, if that means anything.
Neutral:
1. Dodgers. Manny is crazy. He is gone, became a complete caricature of himself. He can still hit well, but he's only in it for the money. I can see him fighting Jeff Kent to the death in a daring camel-back joust, we REALLY need to bring back jousting, or I could see him leading the Dodgers to an NL West division championship. It's not a real risk, because he came essentially for free, but I'm evaluating based on how much the deal could help. It may not make any impact whatsoever, could tear the clubhouse apart, or give them an already winnable NL West. They are not a championship threat.
2. Pirates. I have to assume there going to use all the pieces they acquired to bring an a stud player. Otherwise it seems like they set themselves up to be this years pre-Manny Dodgers.
3. Tigers. Pudge will be replaced by super-utility Brandon Inge and production won't really suffer. Their bullpen needed the help.
4. Braves. Probably could have gotten same caliber players with the compensation picks from Teixeira, although grabbing the players through a trade is a little safer.
Losers:
1. Red Sox. Lost the face of the franchise. Bay isn't a long drop performance-wise, but he is in the category of fear. People knew and feared Manny, perhaps because he resembles the Predator meets fat Pirates of the Carribean Johnny Depp, and baseball is a game where players psyche themselves out. Bay isn't scary, he's Canadian. Teams intentionally walked teammate Nate McClouth 3 times as often as they did Bay. You also never know how a guy going from nobody watching in Pittsburgh to the bright lights of Boston is going to react. He looked good last night though. Is anyone else wondering where Bill Simmons commentary on his favorite team losing it's defining player went?
2. Rays and Marlins who missed out on Bay and Manny respectively. They Rays didn't lose too bad though, because Manny is gone from the division. I thought the Twins should have gone after a power bat to plug in at DH and solidify the order, but I don't really question their methods.
WARPED TOUR
I made the hour long drive to Warped Tour's Milwaukee stop with my friend Billy. I was going basically just to see Reel Big Fish but I ended up catching 4 shows and hanging out to hear another couple. The following are my mental notes:
In any given room, I'm in the top 5 palest people there. Usually there's a couple people who see less sun than me, but I'm always up there. Not at Warped. Here I'm a bronzed god. It's the skater/irony/misfit crowd and my friend and I stick out pretty bad because we don't hate life and see the sun.
Not a particularly attractive female crowd. Strike Milwaukee off the list of cities I want to be an eligible bachelor in.
The first band we catch is We The Kings at 1. My friend Scott saw them in New York and said the played well but it wasn't that fun. I endorse his statement.
Around 2, we head over to the free Monster bar and listen in on Motion City Soundtrack. I don't have any music by most of the bands here, but I have heard some stuff by all of them. I was very comfortale sipping on an energy drink and overhearing MCS. They were pretty good and the fans were into it.
2:30- Against Me. I stood towards the back because I only knew a couple of their songs and I'm happy I made that descision. A couple of people came out of the mosh pit with serious gashes. Definitely not a studio band, but they tried to play straight through their entire set and lost some steam at the end. It was a pretty impressive show, usually you see a band slow it down a little but they played at an incredible pace up to half way through the last song.
We took a break for an hour between Against Me and Reel Big Fish. The Monster was keeping me awake but didn't give me the energy boost it claimed. The t-shirts being sold were kind of disappointing. We sat around until it was finally time.
Reel Big Fish Time! We went over a couple minutes early to get good spots and a death metal band was playing on the adjacent stage. Billy said it best: "This music makes me feel sad." But then they were done and there was no more sadness. Because Reel Big Fish came out and played "I Want Your Girlfriend To Be My Girlfriend Too". There was a large pit which was a hybrid skank/mosh pit. I'd like to thank whoever invented skanking as it allows white people like me to comfortably dance. They covered the first verse of Metallica's "Enter Sandman", I think it was a small jab at the emo crowd that had dispersed a little for their show. They played to the crowd more than any other band, telling some jokes throwing out air fives, mocking Katy Perry, and other such things. They took requests and when the crowd overwhelmingly chanted for "Beer" they said it was beneath their artistic integriy. They held out for a minute then when they said "just kidding. This song is called Beer," everybody went nuts. They followed that with Take On Me and for those two songs there was only glory and frenzy. I was the final crowd surfer over and the lead singer gave me a thumbs up. All of that is true and it was perfect.
Cobra Starship followed Reel Big Fish as a double-header main event. I found Billy and sat down because I had no energy. I resembled Paris Hilton after RBF, drained, smelly, and covered in other men's sweat. The key difference being I hadn't died a little on the inside, I had done whatever the opposite of that is. We listened to Cobra, who performed really well and the fans were again going nuts. They still sound a little raw and I don't approve of the tight white pants they wore, but Cobra won me over. They, like almost every other band there, are better live than in studio.
Break and dinner.
The final show I wanted to see: 3Oh!3. My friend told me I had to see them and he's usually right so I took a flier. It's basically 2 white frat boys from Boulder who decided they wanted to start a techno/rap band. Then they hired a random black guy to dance and throw Monster on people and created a cool hand sign. That's a winning formula. The music was good but nowhere near as impressive as they energy they sent out. They simply got the crowd going nuts. They were a little short of Big Fish, but those 2 were well above everyone else as must-sees. If going you should also see Cobra Starship, Motion City Soundtrack, and Against Me. That way you get your fill of emo pop, punk, hip hop, and ska.
-----Random Change of Thought
I recommend to anyone feeling down that they build a blanket fort. I built a huge fort in my basement and it was very worthwhile. One feels very safe when in a blanket fort. You need chairs, large blankets, and some pillows for comfort.
Can the Bulls please sign Ben Gordon? Seriously, we look like the Hawks. He's gonna benefit more from Derrick Rose's drving presence as an outside shooter more than Deng is, and we already overpaid Deng. What's the holdup?
Boos directed in the direction of Brett Favre and the Packers. Brett wants to compete for the Packers QB job, they won't let him. The Packers want to trade him out of the division, he won't let them. Solution: throw money at the problem and offer Brett 25 million to stay retired. Way to make it look like this whole fiasco is about ego and money, not the game. UNACCEPTABLE.
You made it to the end of the article! You win!
Trade Winners:
1. Milwaukee Brewers. They at least bought themselves a playoff birth and a shot at the division in the Sabbathia trade. He's a perfect NL pitcher: can go deep into games, overpowering stuff, and can hit. It's not a tough call when he comes up top 7 to say "take your bat CC, you're out there next inning." That's important. They gave up Matt LaPorta and a friend of mine who works for the Brewers and watched LaPorta is sure he'll be a stud. So the Indians got a good looking deal as well.
2. Chicago Cubs. Harden and Wood, can we get NBA benchwarmer Matt Bonner to work in middle relief so we can make more jokes? Rich is a great six inning pitcher, but he's only a 6 inning pitcher. Which is why you will see great stats from him in every category but the win-loss column. You can count on 3 runs or less, but how much do you like turning the ball over to middle relievers for 2 innings every outing? Those guys are wild cards, that's why they aren't starters or closers. The scouting reports are very positive on Gallagher and he's posting a 4 ERA at 22, so he might be very good one day. He needs to work on better mixing his pitches as well as locations (thank you ESPN scouting).
3. Angels. A middle of the order consisting of Vlad, Teixeira, and Torii Hunter. That's intimidating. They know look like the most complete team in baseball. They lost Kotchman who's a good young player, but his OBP was .321 and he was on pace to be a 20 HR guy. You want more out of your 5 guy. They also gave up Steve Marek a closer-prospect. Angels fans may be upset over losing a sentimental favorite in Kotchman, who's father is a minor league manager for the Angels and was brought up on the Angels, but the fact of the matter is that most of the game's very good-elite 1B were far better at age 25 than Kotchman is.
-----Epic Gap in the impact of the trades.
3. Yankees. Picked up Pudge who calls a good game and hits decently for an easily replaceable Kyle Farnsworth. Xavier Nady is incredibly underrated and will probably take over at DH. That lineup will not be fun to go throw because everyone can hurt you, with the exception of the Melky "Milkman" Cabrera (the milkman only delivers once a week, much like Cabrera). Marte is a left handed specialist who adds depth to the bullpen. They gave up a couple of B prospects, which if your the Yanks means nothing.
4. White Sox and Reds. Good trade for both sides. Griffey probably won't be an everyday starter, but will push Swisher and Konerko to start performing as well as allow Dye and Quentin to take a day off here and there without forfeiting the game. The two have combined to miss 4 out of about 200 possible games. Granted baseball isn't a taxing sport, but you still want guys fresh. Griffey also provides a left handed power bat to balance the order. The Reds win because they save 8 million dollars. They got a long reliever and utility man in the process too, if that means anything.
Neutral:
1. Dodgers. Manny is crazy. He is gone, became a complete caricature of himself. He can still hit well, but he's only in it for the money. I can see him fighting Jeff Kent to the death in a daring camel-back joust, we REALLY need to bring back jousting, or I could see him leading the Dodgers to an NL West division championship. It's not a real risk, because he came essentially for free, but I'm evaluating based on how much the deal could help. It may not make any impact whatsoever, could tear the clubhouse apart, or give them an already winnable NL West. They are not a championship threat.
2. Pirates. I have to assume there going to use all the pieces they acquired to bring an a stud player. Otherwise it seems like they set themselves up to be this years pre-Manny Dodgers.
3. Tigers. Pudge will be replaced by super-utility Brandon Inge and production won't really suffer. Their bullpen needed the help.
4. Braves. Probably could have gotten same caliber players with the compensation picks from Teixeira, although grabbing the players through a trade is a little safer.
Losers:
1. Red Sox. Lost the face of the franchise. Bay isn't a long drop performance-wise, but he is in the category of fear. People knew and feared Manny, perhaps because he resembles the Predator meets fat Pirates of the Carribean Johnny Depp, and baseball is a game where players psyche themselves out. Bay isn't scary, he's Canadian. Teams intentionally walked teammate Nate McClouth 3 times as often as they did Bay. You also never know how a guy going from nobody watching in Pittsburgh to the bright lights of Boston is going to react. He looked good last night though. Is anyone else wondering where Bill Simmons commentary on his favorite team losing it's defining player went?
2. Rays and Marlins who missed out on Bay and Manny respectively. They Rays didn't lose too bad though, because Manny is gone from the division. I thought the Twins should have gone after a power bat to plug in at DH and solidify the order, but I don't really question their methods.
WARPED TOUR
I made the hour long drive to Warped Tour's Milwaukee stop with my friend Billy. I was going basically just to see Reel Big Fish but I ended up catching 4 shows and hanging out to hear another couple. The following are my mental notes:
In any given room, I'm in the top 5 palest people there. Usually there's a couple people who see less sun than me, but I'm always up there. Not at Warped. Here I'm a bronzed god. It's the skater/irony/misfit crowd and my friend and I stick out pretty bad because we don't hate life and see the sun.
Not a particularly attractive female crowd. Strike Milwaukee off the list of cities I want to be an eligible bachelor in.
The first band we catch is We The Kings at 1. My friend Scott saw them in New York and said the played well but it wasn't that fun. I endorse his statement.
Around 2, we head over to the free Monster bar and listen in on Motion City Soundtrack. I don't have any music by most of the bands here, but I have heard some stuff by all of them. I was very comfortale sipping on an energy drink and overhearing MCS. They were pretty good and the fans were into it.
2:30- Against Me. I stood towards the back because I only knew a couple of their songs and I'm happy I made that descision. A couple of people came out of the mosh pit with serious gashes. Definitely not a studio band, but they tried to play straight through their entire set and lost some steam at the end. It was a pretty impressive show, usually you see a band slow it down a little but they played at an incredible pace up to half way through the last song.
We took a break for an hour between Against Me and Reel Big Fish. The Monster was keeping me awake but didn't give me the energy boost it claimed. The t-shirts being sold were kind of disappointing. We sat around until it was finally time.
Reel Big Fish Time! We went over a couple minutes early to get good spots and a death metal band was playing on the adjacent stage. Billy said it best: "This music makes me feel sad." But then they were done and there was no more sadness. Because Reel Big Fish came out and played "I Want Your Girlfriend To Be My Girlfriend Too". There was a large pit which was a hybrid skank/mosh pit. I'd like to thank whoever invented skanking as it allows white people like me to comfortably dance. They covered the first verse of Metallica's "Enter Sandman", I think it was a small jab at the emo crowd that had dispersed a little for their show. They played to the crowd more than any other band, telling some jokes throwing out air fives, mocking Katy Perry, and other such things. They took requests and when the crowd overwhelmingly chanted for "Beer" they said it was beneath their artistic integriy. They held out for a minute then when they said "just kidding. This song is called Beer," everybody went nuts. They followed that with Take On Me and for those two songs there was only glory and frenzy. I was the final crowd surfer over and the lead singer gave me a thumbs up. All of that is true and it was perfect.
Cobra Starship followed Reel Big Fish as a double-header main event. I found Billy and sat down because I had no energy. I resembled Paris Hilton after RBF, drained, smelly, and covered in other men's sweat. The key difference being I hadn't died a little on the inside, I had done whatever the opposite of that is. We listened to Cobra, who performed really well and the fans were again going nuts. They still sound a little raw and I don't approve of the tight white pants they wore, but Cobra won me over. They, like almost every other band there, are better live than in studio.
Break and dinner.
The final show I wanted to see: 3Oh!3. My friend told me I had to see them and he's usually right so I took a flier. It's basically 2 white frat boys from Boulder who decided they wanted to start a techno/rap band. Then they hired a random black guy to dance and throw Monster on people and created a cool hand sign. That's a winning formula. The music was good but nowhere near as impressive as they energy they sent out. They simply got the crowd going nuts. They were a little short of Big Fish, but those 2 were well above everyone else as must-sees. If going you should also see Cobra Starship, Motion City Soundtrack, and Against Me. That way you get your fill of emo pop, punk, hip hop, and ska.
-----Random Change of Thought
I recommend to anyone feeling down that they build a blanket fort. I built a huge fort in my basement and it was very worthwhile. One feels very safe when in a blanket fort. You need chairs, large blankets, and some pillows for comfort.
Can the Bulls please sign Ben Gordon? Seriously, we look like the Hawks. He's gonna benefit more from Derrick Rose's drving presence as an outside shooter more than Deng is, and we already overpaid Deng. What's the holdup?
Boos directed in the direction of Brett Favre and the Packers. Brett wants to compete for the Packers QB job, they won't let him. The Packers want to trade him out of the division, he won't let them. Solution: throw money at the problem and offer Brett 25 million to stay retired. Way to make it look like this whole fiasco is about ego and money, not the game. UNACCEPTABLE.
You made it to the end of the article! You win!
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